I had a lightbulb moment yesterday, I felt so different, the feeling has faded a bit today but sentiment holds.
But anyways, it started because I couldn't sleep until 4am two days ago, I was thinking of everything, being unemployed, being single, being sick and just not being where I wanted to be in life financially. And I cried and I prayed to God. And yesterday, I had this overwhelming feeling that I can get through this. That I have constantly been criticized by family, employers, 'friends', boys and that I don't deserve to criticize and make myself feel small anymore. I am not perfect, by any means (I mean look at my life lol) but I have to be my own cheerleader, have to care less, have to do more things in an action-oriented way (which, by the way, I am SUPER uncomfortable with), but I need to have a 'IDGAF' mentality and accept rejection with open arms, whether its an employer or a love interest. I have been so critical of myself in my head for years and I am tired. I am tired of listening to broken people, toxic companies, toxic managers telling me what's wrong with me, telling me what I am worth. I want to be in my own corner.
I don't know how long this feeling will last, but it needs to become a mantra. I feel I've hit a ceiling and I am breaking through somehow. I'm in this for me.
I came across a video yesterday asking 'how bad do you want it' - and I want to be employed. So I have been messaging hiring managers. I don't ever want to be in the position and the pain that I am in today. There is a lot of mental anguish and pain with my weight even and I am trying to fix it. It really hurt when that overweight dad of three said I was 8 - 12lbs heavier than he thought I looked in my pics eventhough they're all taken near around where I am right now. He was definitely a piece of trash but regardless, I've never had a stranger say that to my face. And I am trying to leverage this hurt and this pain into something positive.