Weight Loss Diary 2017 - Goal 1-0-5

misty22

Well-known member
I think I have cried everyday since last Wed over S. Feels like a bit of a waste but my emotions are super up and down and everytime the phone rings or I hear the ping of a text I want to see his name. I miss him. It's been over a week since we cut communication.

I talked to a therapist yesterday about it, Courtney, she was so great. She said I have abandonment wounds and that because we were in such high amount of communication for 1.5 months that it felt like a relationship even though it wasn't. She actually said it would be ok for me to reach out to him in a month, but we agreed that I would also be seeing other people then and that I would need to be in an emotional state where if there was rejection, I would have to be ok with it. She said I need to have an abundance mindset vs a scarcity mindset. I think I'll be ok in a couple of weeks to start seeing more people - no rush - but I also don't want to put my life on hold for too long. She said also that we could start as friends, which isn't entirely a bad idea, depending on how I feel and how receptive he is. There is some trust broken on my end so I think if we even did reconnect I would have to take it very slow. I mean for all I know he could ignore me...which is why it would be important to be seeing other people and not put my eggs all in one basket, and I could book a therapy session before and after.

For all I know, he has reconciled with the ex or is dating other people. So I have to protect myself. Right now I am confused, I mean I may not even reach out after a month, I may find someone else amazing that is a better fit. S. and I had a really good connection but I'm not sure how much of that is in my head vs reality. I don't know how much of it is infatuation. I don't meet people with an amazing connection that often. Probably the last one was A. back in 2018/2019 where...ironically, he also went back to the ex and is now engaged lol. What does that say about me picking unavailable men...sigh. But we had chemistry for sure.

This is hard with the hair loss and the self-worth feelings but I just have to work my best with the hair. I cut it short. It's still falling like mad but I am on birth control, am removing dairy slowly and have an endocrinologist appointment on Sept 27th. My MRI has been booked for Jan but I'm going to see if I can have it earlier and I want to ask the endo/doctor for an adrenal scan in case and an IPSS which helps see if ACTH is high and where in the body it is being produced. This is my game plan so far. I also need to start drinking celery juice and fix my digestion and continue to take care of my liver.

But seriously, re: self-worth, apart from needing to lose 10lbs (which I am working on losing) and hair loss, I am a pretty decent person. I know I'll get a job somewhere....soon hopefully. I'm a good person. I can adopt kids. I mean what else is there. The hair loss is the only thing and I am trying my best to find a solution - and I continue to pray that I can find out what is wrong. I really pray to God there is a resolution, it's been 4-5 years of this now and I am exhausted. I have breakdowns everytime I wash my hair because there are just so many clumps...my hair looks limp and lifeless and there are gaps. Anyways, thinking ahead and staying positive.
 
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misty22

Well-known member
CW: 110lbs

I have about 7 more lbs to go. Man the breakup did set me back :( but on the upside I feel a bit better today after 12 days of no contact. I'm sure I will have my slumps. I am waiting to hear back from a job that I want...I'm praying they get back to me soon. The last round was positive but who knows. Having employment will help so much with mental health.

I'm going to give dating a rest for a week. I downloaded Tinder again but am not engaging with anyone or setting up dates, I feel I am still not 100% ok.

I will reach out to S. again, I think more for closure than anything but in a month's time. I want to give him time and space to heal. and who knows, it may never work out, but at least I can say I explored it. I want to focus on myself in between. Weight. Health. Employment. I think I need those things to be stable.
 

Cate

Support crew
I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I'm annoyed that this has set you back again. I will keep telling you that you deserve better :grouphug:
 

misty22

Well-known member
I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I'm annoyed that this has set you back again. I will keep telling you that you deserve better :grouphug:

thanks Cate - yeah the emotional setback is just not pleasant either but yeah I gained three lbs :(
 

misty22

Well-known member
I miss him today, sigh. Tomorrow will be tough as I am alone with no plans. I was thinking of focusing on my side hustle. All this time alone is brutal.

I walked a lot today, and am on my period.

CW: 110.4lbs
 

Cate

Support crew
I have no idea where this quote came from, hon, but I like it.
"When you realise your self-worth, you will stop giving people discounts."
I hope you get over this guy soon. There must be someone better who will value you for who you are right now. You deserve that :grouphug:
 

misty22

Well-known member
I have no idea where this quote came from, hon, but I like it.
"When you realise your self-worth, you will stop giving people discounts."
I hope you get over this guy soon. There must be someone better who will value you for who you are right now. You deserve that :grouphug:

I really like that quote, thank you. Yeah, I don't know what I am hanging onto.
 

misty22

Well-known member
Between the hair loss and heartbreak and unemployment, I am miserable. Still waiting to hear back on the role I want. They said they'd get back to me early this week. This is probably one of the hardest chapters of my life. My doctor is trying to see if I can get the MRI done earlier. Endo appointment is not until Sept 27th.

I worry that with the health issues and the hair loss no one will accept me. I will never ever feel secure in myself to make it through to the other side. I am legit depressed and I feel like no amount of prayer or walking is going to fix this. Accepting to be lonely...is just scary. I'm not in the best mind space and I'm talking to Courtney later this evening but I am not sure how much it will help. Seeing yourself getting physically deformed everyday...is brutal. But then there are people in accidents that get disabled and they get through it and live their lives. I'm having difficulty looking at this from the picture of abundance. But I need to wait this out until my endo appointment. Hopefully I can get on some sort of meds to help with the hair loss. Sigh.

I need just one win....somewhere. I'm just going to take in min by min and hour by hour. I cried a lot yesterday and probably will do the same today and if that is what gets me through another day, so be it.

CW: 110lbs
 

Cate

Support crew
Oh, hon. This is certainly a tough period in your life.
I'm having difficulty looking at this from the picture of abundance.
I'm not surprised that you are struggling.
Things will get better & you will look back at this & it will not be as painful. You have had a rough trot.
Hang in there, sweets. Cry if you need to. The last time I cried I know I felt better afterwards. When I went to ex[lain to someone why I cried I couldn't actually remember. Are you taking anything for depression? It may help you through until things start to get better for you.
All I can do is send some love & another hug :grouphug:
 

misty22

Well-known member
Thanks Cate xox

nothing for depression apart from therapy and prayer and walks for now. I’ve talked about meds with my doctor but I feel a lot of this is just circumstantial vs the chemicals in my brain - if that makes sense.

I didn’t do much at all today. I’m just taking it one thing at a time.
 

misty22

Well-known member
Sometimes we need meds just to get us through a rough patch. It's worth a thought xo

No Cate, my root cause isn't a poor chemical imbalance (I know because I have been in extremely deep depression). This is situational. Plus I do not want a cocktail of drugs in my body. I am on birth control, the pit tumour may require meds too. I don't want to take more pills.

I am a bit down today but it's slightly better than yesterday. I am still healing. I miss S. I'd still like to reach out to him in 1-2 months. But I will see other people in the interim. I don't want to chase anymore TBH. Tired of it. If I get rejected, I get rejected. At least that door will be closed for good.

CW: 110.2lbs
 

misty22

Well-known member
I don't know how I feel today. I feel like something is missing. Like I am never going to be happy. I miss S. This is week three of no contact (NC). I think I will give it a couple more weeks. I still feel so emotionally scarred from this experience. No point in reaching out and being rejected if I am already in a fragile state. Need to keep my mind on other stuff. Sort of wish I had never met him because then I wouldn't be experiencing any of this pain. Also I wonder how much longer this will go on.

Anyways, in terms of hair loss, some things I need to rule out:
- Gut health (food sensitivities and low stomach acid)
- Prolactinoma
- Cushings (cyclical or pseudo)
- ACTH (rule out a tumour)

I honestly can't think of what else may be causing the hair loss. I am at a loss, and I will need to test the cortisol consistently and maybe get another endocrinologist's opinion.

Re: interviews, have a couple lined up. Thankfully. I am also hearing back from one tomorrow on the final next steps.

Around 109/110lbs - diet has not been the best the past two weeks for heartache reasons. Luckily exercise has been on track. Need to get back on the horse from a diet perspective.

GW: 103lbs (end of Sept)
 

misty22

Well-known member
I feel much better today.

I have been with my parents for a couple days. It has been a welcome break. I like the peacefulness of the suburbs even when there is nothing to do. The downside is always the diet and the comfort of being in my own space.

I feel I may have gained a pound or two.

I'm not ready to date. But I am ready to fix my life. There is a lot to be done, passport photo, blood tests, weight loss, prayer for my health. Figuring out what I want to do with my life beyond work. It feels like heavy stuff so I also want to figure out the lighter stuff. What I liked about dating S. was that it was escapism. I'd like to reach out to him but I want to be in a place where I am feeling good about myself that the rejection does not phase me. I do miss him.

Re: life. The more I think about staying in corporate, the more it scares the shit out of me. I'm at the point in my life where I know I need to set myself up for success long-term.
 
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misty22

Well-known member
So while I still have this boy on my brain...I am trying to be a normal functioning member of society and trying to focus on myself. It is hard, I must admit, but it's only been 2.5 weeks...I think I will feel better at the 4-week mark. I'm going back this weekend, I have plans for the most part of the long weekend except Sunday - Sunday will be tough but I will figure something out hopefully. Will have to throw myself into a project or take the time to find an interest group or both.

I think the larger issue is .....my life feels unfulfilling. It feels broken, especially with the health, which I am considering working with a new practitioner and hopefully the next round of blood tests do shed some light on whether my cortisol and prolactin are normal/need meds. The meds have side effects, as in more hair loss, but only in some patients, so will have to see. I think I need to prioritize this for a while, my health. It gets exhausting. It is demotivating. Believe me, I know I have not figured it out after 4-5 years but it is also the #1 thing that is affecting my world. And I refuse to believe that I cannot resolve or improve the issue. Whether it's prayer, on a cleaner diet or ruling out things with tests - I need to pick up on this. I have avoided it for a while because it is exhausting and because I was on this track for eliminating H Pylori and despite eliminating it, there is no success. So now I tackle it heaf on in a disciplined manner.
 

misty22

Well-known member
Today is the first day I am feeling more like myself post-breakup. It has been three weeks. I did cry a lot yesterday b/c I missed him. I imagine it will be a bit like a roller coaster still but today I feel like myself and I'm actually at my computer getting my life in order a bit. I am so thankful for right now. I still want to reach out to S. in a few weeks - just to sort of close that door. Even rejection would mean closure.

I am pretty non-active on the apps as of now b/c I don't feel ready to date but I did let one guy slide in. His name is Andres. I know I am not compatible from a religious viewpoint with him, he's 7 years younger but he felt a bit different than the usual douchebag lot I see on apps. We had a date night and ....while I don't believe this will last because one of my non-negotiables is having moderate faith in God, the way he treated me was so different than S. and the other guys I have met recently. He was warm and affectionate and - he has his own emotional walls - but it sort of gave me a glimpse of how I want to be treated.

I would always reach in to kiss S. - like 90% of the time. Even the sex felt selfish and transactional. When I bled heavily during sex, S. didn't even ask me if I was feeling ok after. It just felt so...selfish and detached. There was no foreplay. It was about him. He did ask after if I felt like it was equal. S. was so clouded in love from his last relationship. There was one day he seemed normal. He did lean in to kiss, and he did wrap his arms around me, he did compliment me, but it was just one day where I felt he saw me. I didn't feel like he saw me otherwise....my mind is a bit confused by this whole situation still. He's not a complete villain. There was a good side to him. He surprised me for my birthday, had the waiter put a candle on our dessert. He would always come see me, would never flake, would pay for dates. He called me when he was with his son one day to entertain me. It was the silliest 35 min call ever. I still like him, I'd still take him back but maybe I am holding onto a fantasy and a person that is not good for me, that doesn't have the emotional maturity I need. Anyways, I don't want him to be the only option.

But there was a world of difference between the two men I recently met - and it amazed me how someone can be so warm and affectionate and available. And that is what I want.

I also got off the birth control pill - it accelerated my hair loss I believe and I couldn't deal. Just going to wait to do some more blood work, signed up with a new functional practitioner and waiting for my endo appointment on the 27th. Time to get on with life.

I am thinking of tape-in hair extensions but I am not sure how it would work if my hair loss is happening at the roots. I have to look into this.

CW: 111.4lbs
GW: 103lbs
 
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overlandflyer

Well-known member
one of my non-negotiables is having moderate faith in God,
"Religion can add a dimension to the life of a responsible person, but it does not by itself make a responsible human being out of a criminal." ... Stanton Samenow

religious acceptance is way down my list of judging a person's morality.
 
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