Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
Fiera
Well-known member
Dear Journal,
What an absolute anxiety fest the past 30 hours has been. Finally melting into some semblance of myself again.
First, and this is still to awful to even think or write about...NDog escaped out my front door while I was checking the mail. I know that the likelihood of a loose dog surviving in this high traffic area is about zero. I went flying up the street after him, screaming ahead to a man walking to please help, one arm extended in a desperate plea to oncoming headlights to see that something was wrong. NDog approached the man and for a second I had hope, but he eluded the man's grasp, then doubled back and accelerated and ran down another block in the direction of certain death by car. I ran as fast as I could knowing that he would also easily elude me, rather than run straight at him where he had thankfully stopped to pee on an evergreen, I ran up the sidewalk parallel to him and he saw me and came over. My hand flashed out and the tips of my fingers caught his collar and I clung for dear life. He thankfully submitted and didn't struggle and I enfolded him in a hug while I recovered from the shock. No leash, I walked him all the way back by collar tightening it up to make sure he could not twist out of it. Normally I walk all my dogs in a harness. When I had gotten him up the stairs and into the house, the full force of the burning in my lungs made itself known and I just sat there recovering. The doubt the episode gave me about my ability to handle important things right now was strong. I have been so tired, so anxious, and the risk to his safety was a mistake anyone could have made, except that this is what I do, and it should not have happened under any scenario. I simply was not vigilant enough with an unknown dog...not unlike what happened with the large dog which tripped me up resulting in my injury. It is blooming awful. I know that my state of tiredness had everything to do with it, I know that this is how babies get left in the back seats of cars on a hot day. It is an unspeakable tragedy when it happens, and there is no taking it back. I still cannot quite grasp how this terrible mistake ended up OK. Obviously I am beyond grateful, but still very shaken up.
Today the tree service came. They made short work of my two skinny pines and the white pine was not far behind. I recalled halfway through stump grinding that there is a conduit in the yard for the garage and I ran outside like a banshee to point it out to them. We could see where it exited the house and where it entered the garage but not the exact path. The assured me they were on top of things. I went back inside to the front of the house and 10 minutes later I heard a loud clank. Out back I went, where they told me that yes they had hit it, but a glancing blow and it had not been cut. They had me check the power to the garage and all was well. Then not another 5 minutes later I heard the machine stop so I popped over to the window to look. There were ends of conduit pipe sticking up in the air. This time, they had really cut all the way through it. No more power to my garage. In the end they did do a repair to it which I pray will be water tight, but I have my doubts. They did do a nice job otherwise, and while it is always sad to remove trees, my lack of sadness confirms that it really was time. I can walk through my back yard again without tripping on all the roots. Which means I can start having people over again for fire pits and cocktails and music this summer. Once I have some hardscaping and a new fence, it will be usable space again.
The dog walker was here and now we are navigating two chairs at the front foyer strategically placed to keep NDog from sprinting out the door; a band aid until the baby gate I ordered arrives. I also got NDog to wear a sock on him weaker foot today, though I need to get much more seamless about putting it on him. Tomorrow we try removing the belly band in the house during the day. He barked like a madman when I left him home alone and took KDog for a walk by herself. He does seem to love the outdoors much more than the house.
I missed my massage therapy appt entirely after pushing it back, due to the tree guys being very late and then of course sticking around while they fixed the electrical. They took an hour at the hardware store and then another 45 to patch it. I despise last minute cancellations, it is not fair to the service provider, but it could not be helped. She will see me tomorrow.
I also called the woman next door and just got her vmail which is fine. I need to fill her in on what the attorney/civic guy had to say, but there is no great rush.
I also spaced out in the chaos and left a burner going on the stove for quite a while.
On top of all that going on, we received the notification that the dogs were available for selection for the next transport, and there is a short deadline when that happens, so I had to find some time to work on that for and with Pixy.
By the time my stinky butt had dinner and finally got a shower, it was 7:30. I took the dogs for a walk and then stood on my back porch and surveyed the yard while talking with Proggy. This house needs a lot of work but at least I took a step forward today and spent a little money to make things better in the short term.
And NDog is safe for the moment...I still am so anxious now about keeping him safe and not making another mistake. I look over at him snoozing and say a little prayer in my head.
And since the anxiety overall is coming back down, and tomorrow is a relatively light day, I think my confidence will bounce back.
The End. Time to flip on some tv and go to bed.
What an absolute anxiety fest the past 30 hours has been. Finally melting into some semblance of myself again.
First, and this is still to awful to even think or write about...NDog escaped out my front door while I was checking the mail. I know that the likelihood of a loose dog surviving in this high traffic area is about zero. I went flying up the street after him, screaming ahead to a man walking to please help, one arm extended in a desperate plea to oncoming headlights to see that something was wrong. NDog approached the man and for a second I had hope, but he eluded the man's grasp, then doubled back and accelerated and ran down another block in the direction of certain death by car. I ran as fast as I could knowing that he would also easily elude me, rather than run straight at him where he had thankfully stopped to pee on an evergreen, I ran up the sidewalk parallel to him and he saw me and came over. My hand flashed out and the tips of my fingers caught his collar and I clung for dear life. He thankfully submitted and didn't struggle and I enfolded him in a hug while I recovered from the shock. No leash, I walked him all the way back by collar tightening it up to make sure he could not twist out of it. Normally I walk all my dogs in a harness. When I had gotten him up the stairs and into the house, the full force of the burning in my lungs made itself known and I just sat there recovering. The doubt the episode gave me about my ability to handle important things right now was strong. I have been so tired, so anxious, and the risk to his safety was a mistake anyone could have made, except that this is what I do, and it should not have happened under any scenario. I simply was not vigilant enough with an unknown dog...not unlike what happened with the large dog which tripped me up resulting in my injury. It is blooming awful. I know that my state of tiredness had everything to do with it, I know that this is how babies get left in the back seats of cars on a hot day. It is an unspeakable tragedy when it happens, and there is no taking it back. I still cannot quite grasp how this terrible mistake ended up OK. Obviously I am beyond grateful, but still very shaken up.
Today the tree service came. They made short work of my two skinny pines and the white pine was not far behind. I recalled halfway through stump grinding that there is a conduit in the yard for the garage and I ran outside like a banshee to point it out to them. We could see where it exited the house and where it entered the garage but not the exact path. The assured me they were on top of things. I went back inside to the front of the house and 10 minutes later I heard a loud clank. Out back I went, where they told me that yes they had hit it, but a glancing blow and it had not been cut. They had me check the power to the garage and all was well. Then not another 5 minutes later I heard the machine stop so I popped over to the window to look. There were ends of conduit pipe sticking up in the air. This time, they had really cut all the way through it. No more power to my garage. In the end they did do a repair to it which I pray will be water tight, but I have my doubts. They did do a nice job otherwise, and while it is always sad to remove trees, my lack of sadness confirms that it really was time. I can walk through my back yard again without tripping on all the roots. Which means I can start having people over again for fire pits and cocktails and music this summer. Once I have some hardscaping and a new fence, it will be usable space again.
The dog walker was here and now we are navigating two chairs at the front foyer strategically placed to keep NDog from sprinting out the door; a band aid until the baby gate I ordered arrives. I also got NDog to wear a sock on him weaker foot today, though I need to get much more seamless about putting it on him. Tomorrow we try removing the belly band in the house during the day. He barked like a madman when I left him home alone and took KDog for a walk by herself. He does seem to love the outdoors much more than the house.
I missed my massage therapy appt entirely after pushing it back, due to the tree guys being very late and then of course sticking around while they fixed the electrical. They took an hour at the hardware store and then another 45 to patch it. I despise last minute cancellations, it is not fair to the service provider, but it could not be helped. She will see me tomorrow.
I also called the woman next door and just got her vmail which is fine. I need to fill her in on what the attorney/civic guy had to say, but there is no great rush.
I also spaced out in the chaos and left a burner going on the stove for quite a while.
On top of all that going on, we received the notification that the dogs were available for selection for the next transport, and there is a short deadline when that happens, so I had to find some time to work on that for and with Pixy.
By the time my stinky butt had dinner and finally got a shower, it was 7:30. I took the dogs for a walk and then stood on my back porch and surveyed the yard while talking with Proggy. This house needs a lot of work but at least I took a step forward today and spent a little money to make things better in the short term.
And NDog is safe for the moment...I still am so anxious now about keeping him safe and not making another mistake. I look over at him snoozing and say a little prayer in my head.
And since the anxiety overall is coming back down, and tomorrow is a relatively light day, I think my confidence will bounce back.
The End. Time to flip on some tv and go to bed.
Fiera
Well-known member
Grateful this morning for nothing on my calendar (in the morning). The dogs have been out and fed. Am sitting here with matcha There is a new pattern of sunlight coming into the den, no more dappled sunlight, just a full on morning blast. So the curtains are closed til the sun is just a tad higher. I am thinking the temps today maybe more like summer than Spring. I thought there would no longer be any birds but I still hear some around, which is nice.
Looks like my tablet is low, will charge up and come back later.
Looks like my tablet is low, will charge up and come back later.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well, life cannot remain that intense or I will end up in the funny farm.
Have done a good job of compartmentalizing S who was in town last weekend and arrived back again yesterday. With Houdini NDog around and my anxiety I don't want her anywhere near my home right now. She is a whirling dervish inside of a dust devil inside of a tornado running up against a timeline to complete some kind of investment tax exchange on rental property. She was dumping woes on me from an airplane and I had to put my phone on DND to get some relief from the stream of texts. Meeting my silence she said something absurd like she hoped that my hearing about her problems made whatever I am dealing with seem lighter. Wow. My reply? "I never thought to compare." She must have realized how self centered she was being because she tried to come back with some story saying that she didn't compare either but she likes to think of it as putting everyone's woes in a big pile in the middle of a room and sharing. Except that, sorry sweetheart, nice try, you just dumped, you never asked me or took interest in what was going on here. She can't even admit how full of herself she has been and and just say "sorry", she tries to back into a bs explanation like that? My friend is not in a good place. Poor EF, who also has been on the receiving end of the selfishness lately.
A benefit of being this busy is that I haven't had a lot of time to think about AN. When I do, I feel a heavy sadness in my heart, but I also recognize that he probably doesn't and I have spent enough time in this life mourning men who don't love me enough.
I am growing tired of dealing with so much mental illness. The problem is that I really just don't have time for it; my own, or anyone else's. The world is nuts. My Dad gets angry when I am not up to speed on the stories espoused by right wing news, and if I call out obvious inconsistencies or question the veracity of the things he repeats, I get nails spit in my face. So I usually just let him vent while I sit in silence and my brain rolls over in my skull.
Boy, lol, let's come back to the present. I need a shower. I need to set up the baby gate at the front door before the walker comes. I got out the email to the volunteers last night. Hopefully I will get more responses today. So far 6 responses, half declines from usually available people, only 1 person who can meet the transport arrival. Oh dear, at least Pixy did not push to increase the number of dogs coming. These afternoon arrivals are so much harder to get volunteers for. Plus it is a bad time for traffic. Retirees are good, but the people who "work from home" don't seem to routinely be able to come.
Well, it is overcast this morning and rain is expected. Hopefully I can use the time to get caught up a bit more and look forward to a visit from Proggy tomorrow. Outdoor weather is almost here! Yesterday was really nice. I need to work on NDog's adoption profile today so I can move him on out of here. Much as I love having him, I need to get a dog who can take long walks with me in the forest preserve.
Have done a good job of compartmentalizing S who was in town last weekend and arrived back again yesterday. With Houdini NDog around and my anxiety I don't want her anywhere near my home right now. She is a whirling dervish inside of a dust devil inside of a tornado running up against a timeline to complete some kind of investment tax exchange on rental property. She was dumping woes on me from an airplane and I had to put my phone on DND to get some relief from the stream of texts. Meeting my silence she said something absurd like she hoped that my hearing about her problems made whatever I am dealing with seem lighter. Wow. My reply? "I never thought to compare." She must have realized how self centered she was being because she tried to come back with some story saying that she didn't compare either but she likes to think of it as putting everyone's woes in a big pile in the middle of a room and sharing. Except that, sorry sweetheart, nice try, you just dumped, you never asked me or took interest in what was going on here. She can't even admit how full of herself she has been and and just say "sorry", she tries to back into a bs explanation like that? My friend is not in a good place. Poor EF, who also has been on the receiving end of the selfishness lately.
A benefit of being this busy is that I haven't had a lot of time to think about AN. When I do, I feel a heavy sadness in my heart, but I also recognize that he probably doesn't and I have spent enough time in this life mourning men who don't love me enough.
I am growing tired of dealing with so much mental illness. The problem is that I really just don't have time for it; my own, or anyone else's. The world is nuts. My Dad gets angry when I am not up to speed on the stories espoused by right wing news, and if I call out obvious inconsistencies or question the veracity of the things he repeats, I get nails spit in my face. So I usually just let him vent while I sit in silence and my brain rolls over in my skull.
Boy, lol, let's come back to the present. I need a shower. I need to set up the baby gate at the front door before the walker comes. I got out the email to the volunteers last night. Hopefully I will get more responses today. So far 6 responses, half declines from usually available people, only 1 person who can meet the transport arrival. Oh dear, at least Pixy did not push to increase the number of dogs coming. These afternoon arrivals are so much harder to get volunteers for. Plus it is a bad time for traffic. Retirees are good, but the people who "work from home" don't seem to routinely be able to come.
Well, it is overcast this morning and rain is expected. Hopefully I can use the time to get caught up a bit more and look forward to a visit from Proggy tomorrow. Outdoor weather is almost here! Yesterday was really nice. I need to work on NDog's adoption profile today so I can move him on out of here. Much as I love having him, I need to get a dog who can take long walks with me in the forest preserve.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well, I had this idea today about getting a doggie jogging stroller for NDog if he can't do long distances. That way he could do 3 miles with me in the forest preserve of anywhere else, At the same time, I worked on his adoption profile, I am growing attached to him. I need to make a good decision. Pretty soon KDog will probably need a stroller. The good ones for big dogs are over $400. I certainly cannot have 2 dogs at once who can't do distances with me. It makes no sense. I have to think about the things I want to do. And I can find hi'm a perfect home.
Fiera
Well-known member
Yay. Saturday morrning. S is texting, trying to pursue calling me because she is driving down to the city and is bored in the car. I just could not muster the mental energy to come up with an excuse to not talk, other than I don't feel like it and I need some quiet time. I used that one last night to keep a phone call short. Was a miracle she paid attention for once.
Anyway, the waking hour is busy enough. Two dogs to feed and toilet, the meals are not identical and have assorted ingredients to help with poop quality. The dog as brought in mud from the tree project so I had to clean up mud on shoes and rug. Must remember to walk them out front next time. I ran the couch pillows through the dryer a second time on low and then will bring them up to air dry the rest of the way. I need to free up the dryer. I opened the new bulk pack of matcha and lovingly transferred some into the tin, making minimal mess. The tin goes in the fridge and the rest goes in the freezer. I am trying to keep the house picked up since cleaning lady was here but it seems to get cluttered and dirty so quickly again. I just realized S is probably hoping to stay here over night. I hope I can avoid that, and the way to avoid that is to just keep my head down and keep doing my own stuff and interaxt with her as little as possible.
Proggy may or may not be coming later. If not, he will probably drive up tomorrow so he can see DDog. We'll see. He has been tired all week, I think it's the pollen.
Magpie from the rescue group is stopping by at 9:30 to pick up some bags of donated food. It will be nice to get them out of the basement.
I also looked at some new ideas for hardscaping last night while I listened to the hockey game.
I need to call the concrete repair people this week.
I have 3 pounds of turkey to cook and then I need to get in the shower.
I used the grill twice the past couple of days. It has been a long time. I made steak to celebrate reclaiming my yard back from the terrible roots. Celebrated the sunshine. Then yesterday I made chicken breasts. I got caught up in an email for a bit and forgot to check the chicken. I was sure it was burned to a crisp. But actually it was done perfectly. So yummy. Those are some of my favorite meals - grilled meat plus a salad. Almost no prep, no pots and pans to wash. I need to get my grill locked to something though because it is a nice one, I splurged for my 50th birthday, and it would be expensive to replace if it walked off one night.
If the rain blows out of here it could be a nice night for a firepit later. Will have to check forecast. OK back to work!
Anyway, the waking hour is busy enough. Two dogs to feed and toilet, the meals are not identical and have assorted ingredients to help with poop quality. The dog as brought in mud from the tree project so I had to clean up mud on shoes and rug. Must remember to walk them out front next time. I ran the couch pillows through the dryer a second time on low and then will bring them up to air dry the rest of the way. I need to free up the dryer. I opened the new bulk pack of matcha and lovingly transferred some into the tin, making minimal mess. The tin goes in the fridge and the rest goes in the freezer. I am trying to keep the house picked up since cleaning lady was here but it seems to get cluttered and dirty so quickly again. I just realized S is probably hoping to stay here over night. I hope I can avoid that, and the way to avoid that is to just keep my head down and keep doing my own stuff and interaxt with her as little as possible.
Proggy may or may not be coming later. If not, he will probably drive up tomorrow so he can see DDog. We'll see. He has been tired all week, I think it's the pollen.
Magpie from the rescue group is stopping by at 9:30 to pick up some bags of donated food. It will be nice to get them out of the basement.
I also looked at some new ideas for hardscaping last night while I listened to the hockey game.
I need to call the concrete repair people this week.
I have 3 pounds of turkey to cook and then I need to get in the shower.
I used the grill twice the past couple of days. It has been a long time. I made steak to celebrate reclaiming my yard back from the terrible roots. Celebrated the sunshine. Then yesterday I made chicken breasts. I got caught up in an email for a bit and forgot to check the chicken. I was sure it was burned to a crisp. But actually it was done perfectly. So yummy. Those are some of my favorite meals - grilled meat plus a salad. Almost no prep, no pots and pans to wash. I need to get my grill locked to something though because it is a nice one, I splurged for my 50th birthday, and it would be expensive to replace if it walked off one night.
If the rain blows out of here it could be a nice night for a firepit later. Will have to check forecast. OK back to work!
Fiera
Well-known member
Hi Cate! Thank you. I put my phone on DND and it helped create some emotional and mental space. After a rousing black tea, went out and ran some errands, just chipping away at the total overwhelm....return at the big box hardware of a reserve baterry which did not last very long at the last transport...need something bigger. Return to WF and a little shopping. Filled the SUV up at the wholesale club (takes Premium, and we are in a high tax area, so it saves as much as 30-70 cents per gallon). Also picked up a few more groceries at the big box - romaine, rotisserie chicken - which should buy a few days of not doing major cooking. Some tarragon to make chicken salad (already have dried cranberries, yum). I'll make some poached eggs and am pretty sure I have tortillas for chicken tacos.
Am loving a lightly overcast morning. The temperature is a little cool, but not cold, and the den windows are open with fresh air coming in. The dogs are snoozing. Birds chirping and singing. Am drinking some coffee and feeling a bit more refreshed and present in my body. For several weeks I was leading a Sunday dog walking group but the last two I had a conflict and today I think I will do my online meditation group and just rest. I take too much on myself trying to be the photographer and get everyones names and put it all on FB, trying to build a community. Let someone else pick up that mantle. Proggy later.
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Just back from a shortish walk with the pups. I forgot to put on NDogs special footwear so we just did 0.4 mile. Oh the bliss of just putting one's tasks and anxieties on hold for a bit. Have been reading The Grapes of Wrath recently - bit by bit - and picked it up again this weekend. I don't think I read this before, and it is procative, maybe I will have more to say on it at some juncture. To say that it helps me to understand how fortunate I am to have the life and security that I do have, is a starting point.
Am loving a lightly overcast morning. The temperature is a little cool, but not cold, and the den windows are open with fresh air coming in. The dogs are snoozing. Birds chirping and singing. Am drinking some coffee and feeling a bit more refreshed and present in my body. For several weeks I was leading a Sunday dog walking group but the last two I had a conflict and today I think I will do my online meditation group and just rest. I take too much on myself trying to be the photographer and get everyones names and put it all on FB, trying to build a community. Let someone else pick up that mantle. Proggy later.
**************************
Just back from a shortish walk with the pups. I forgot to put on NDogs special footwear so we just did 0.4 mile. Oh the bliss of just putting one's tasks and anxieties on hold for a bit. Have been reading The Grapes of Wrath recently - bit by bit - and picked it up again this weekend. I don't think I read this before, and it is procative, maybe I will have more to say on it at some juncture. To say that it helps me to understand how fortunate I am to have the life and security that I do have, is a starting point.
Fiera
Well-known member
Nice to have the day ahead with a clear calendar until 4PM. After I take some time here, I will set about making the to do list for this week. It may help quell the unease which I feel around the many projects and to-do's. I am sure at this point that I need to plan a vacation break.
Yesterday's visit from DDog proved more draining and active than I had hoped. He was very high energy and stressed about being separated from his folks. It would have been different if NDog was not here. But NDog was here and there was a healthy level of younger male dog energy, trying to get muzzles off, feeding in shifts, marking on my rug and carpet pad (I think NDog). I was very conked out and ready for DDog to go home. I did enjoy taking the pair of them on a short walk, which helped my dog handling confidence a bit, and physically my ribs are strong and done healing with just some final recovery of some soft tissues of the breast and armpit areas.
So, this morning feels like a starting point, an inventory point, an opportunity.
I considered starting the next 5-Day FMD box but I decided to take today to just reset, rest, relax, and plan. I need to just feel present in my body in quietude for a bit. A plus I have fresh groceries that I need to freeze, consume or waste. Not a lot you can do with romaine except have a nice salad, so that is on the docket for today, along with a nice tarragon chicken salad sandwich. Yum.
I like this quiet. Not so much the quiet around me, but the quiet within me, which, when it has a chance to manifest, will eventually allow me to welcome in the sounds of music, art, enjoyment, street fests, summer, friendship. I felt relieved yesterday that I had a solid excuse to turn down S's last minute invite to go downtown for dinner before she flew out. The story I have told myself for years is that I never would have been cut out for being a mom, because of this need I have for time to myself. But the reality is, I filled it with a level of accountability to others anyway...my dogs, my dad, my friends. I'm not a loner. I just need rest and respite to be the best version of myself.
Maybe it is all for the best that NDog is not going to stay with me. I want my life to be more than this. I do want to travel and I do want to take vacation and I do want to get the transport process on auto pilot so someone else can do it if I am not here. This would all be a lot easier if I was not trying to fix the house problems and was just living my life. Same old same old story.
Which reminds me, one of the things I need to do is get caught up in financials The last couple of credit card statements have been extraordinary. I know one of those was the dentist and another was some concert tickets. I just have to watch my burn rate. I have been spending personal money on the transports and I want to tally that up and make sure it is sustainable, or I will start identifying things I want the rescue to pay for (like laundry detergent for the towels).
OK, I got myself thinking about money and fixes and I am intentionally shifting my thinking to cacti and my Irish friend. Travel. Getaway. Hiking. Taking care of the physical and mental me. Getting my hair done. Having a soak in a hot tub somewhere. Not taking care of anyone except myself. Oh lordy how good that sounds.
Yesterday's visit from DDog proved more draining and active than I had hoped. He was very high energy and stressed about being separated from his folks. It would have been different if NDog was not here. But NDog was here and there was a healthy level of younger male dog energy, trying to get muzzles off, feeding in shifts, marking on my rug and carpet pad (I think NDog). I was very conked out and ready for DDog to go home. I did enjoy taking the pair of them on a short walk, which helped my dog handling confidence a bit, and physically my ribs are strong and done healing with just some final recovery of some soft tissues of the breast and armpit areas.
So, this morning feels like a starting point, an inventory point, an opportunity.
I considered starting the next 5-Day FMD box but I decided to take today to just reset, rest, relax, and plan. I need to just feel present in my body in quietude for a bit. A plus I have fresh groceries that I need to freeze, consume or waste. Not a lot you can do with romaine except have a nice salad, so that is on the docket for today, along with a nice tarragon chicken salad sandwich. Yum.
I like this quiet. Not so much the quiet around me, but the quiet within me, which, when it has a chance to manifest, will eventually allow me to welcome in the sounds of music, art, enjoyment, street fests, summer, friendship. I felt relieved yesterday that I had a solid excuse to turn down S's last minute invite to go downtown for dinner before she flew out. The story I have told myself for years is that I never would have been cut out for being a mom, because of this need I have for time to myself. But the reality is, I filled it with a level of accountability to others anyway...my dogs, my dad, my friends. I'm not a loner. I just need rest and respite to be the best version of myself.
Maybe it is all for the best that NDog is not going to stay with me. I want my life to be more than this. I do want to travel and I do want to take vacation and I do want to get the transport process on auto pilot so someone else can do it if I am not here. This would all be a lot easier if I was not trying to fix the house problems and was just living my life. Same old same old story.
Which reminds me, one of the things I need to do is get caught up in financials The last couple of credit card statements have been extraordinary. I know one of those was the dentist and another was some concert tickets. I just have to watch my burn rate. I have been spending personal money on the transports and I want to tally that up and make sure it is sustainable, or I will start identifying things I want the rescue to pay for (like laundry detergent for the towels).
OK, I got myself thinking about money and fixes and I am intentionally shifting my thinking to cacti and my Irish friend. Travel. Getaway. Hiking. Taking care of the physical and mental me. Getting my hair done. Having a soak in a hot tub somewhere. Not taking care of anyone except myself. Oh lordy how good that sounds.
Fiera
Well-known member
I am proud of myself.
After a nice slow relaxing wake up on a beautiful sunny cool morning, I took the dogs for a walk, ordered some things online, got interested in a new real estate listing, felt my anxiety rising, and said "I'm taking the day off". A day off from the worrying and the to do lists. A day to just be present, eat healthy, and reconnect with my physical body. To be present and aware, to notice the breeze, to fill my lungs with it, to read a book, to rest and feel human. I don't even have to travel to get some amount of restorative experience. I just need to let myself be in vacation mode for a space of time.
So Happy Day to Me!
I noticed a minor inclination to have a celebratory cocktail of some kind. The kind of perfect weather day and emotional freedom which I for years associated with a little bit of mood enhancer. But the truth is, and has been for some time now, that I value sobriety and being able to trust myself. To be able to take care of the dogs without being impaired is a huge one. For years I used drinking as an escape, a tool to mitigate or release emotions. Over time that leads to nowhere good. And while I still will have an occasional beer with Proggy, like on my birthday, I am uncomfortable now with the feeling of impairment. Am so grateful that I have more purpose now, and sense of who I am, to really keep that jack in the box and only let it out sparingly. And even in celebration, drinking alone, indulgently, usually ends up with regrets. When I keep my goals, my life in view, it just seems to make sense.
That doesn't mean however that I don't enjoy a refreshing mocktail. I need some fizzy water to make up my favorite fauxritas. This afternoon a mock ginger drink ala Moscow Mule will serve nicely. And I can still enjoy reading.
After a nice slow relaxing wake up on a beautiful sunny cool morning, I took the dogs for a walk, ordered some things online, got interested in a new real estate listing, felt my anxiety rising, and said "I'm taking the day off". A day off from the worrying and the to do lists. A day to just be present, eat healthy, and reconnect with my physical body. To be present and aware, to notice the breeze, to fill my lungs with it, to read a book, to rest and feel human. I don't even have to travel to get some amount of restorative experience. I just need to let myself be in vacation mode for a space of time.
So Happy Day to Me!
I noticed a minor inclination to have a celebratory cocktail of some kind. The kind of perfect weather day and emotional freedom which I for years associated with a little bit of mood enhancer. But the truth is, and has been for some time now, that I value sobriety and being able to trust myself. To be able to take care of the dogs without being impaired is a huge one. For years I used drinking as an escape, a tool to mitigate or release emotions. Over time that leads to nowhere good. And while I still will have an occasional beer with Proggy, like on my birthday, I am uncomfortable now with the feeling of impairment. Am so grateful that I have more purpose now, and sense of who I am, to really keep that jack in the box and only let it out sparingly. And even in celebration, drinking alone, indulgently, usually ends up with regrets. When I keep my goals, my life in view, it just seems to make sense.
That doesn't mean however that I don't enjoy a refreshing mocktail. I need some fizzy water to make up my favorite fauxritas. This afternoon a mock ginger drink ala Moscow Mule will serve nicely. And I can still enjoy reading.
Fiera
Well-known member
I feel so happy. It's just the unburdening of the pressure, the weather, the doing things as I feel like it. I am still getting some things done, but in a natural flow. Self care iis great.
I took care of two warranty things I wanted move on or toss so I wasn't having them sit around forever. D-pan sounds promising, Z-knives its mail in and see. But all boxed up and just needs to go to post office. Vacuumed. Washed a runner that was peed on yesterday. Plucked eyebrows and got rid of my arm and cheek hairs - "defuzzing". I swear it makes me look younger and brings my eyes out more.
I had such a nice and much needed shower, then got on the scale. I have put on so much weight and nothing fits, and in my head I was going "please please please let it be under 190." And it was actually surprisingly still under 180. 178.7. I am just going to mentally set my sights on getting back down under 170. A 10 pound loss. I really wish NDog could do longer walks, but he is only good for a mile at a very casual pace, due to a prior foot injury.
I arranged plans with the girl who will cat test and nail trim for NDog after 6PM. Hockey playoffs when I get home. Will stop at the store and get cilantro for the anti candida soup which seems to be anti inflammatory and non-allergenic for me. That will be delicious tomorrow, even if I do have to prep the shrimp.
I think another thing which has made me happy is I really have not had emails, phone calls, texts etc today, other than quick check ins with Proggy and my brother this morning. It's like being OOO (or what I imagine what OOO was like for people who could get away with it, primarily the Europeans).
My mind drifted to AN for a short while, mainly wondering what I would say to him. But mainly it still feels difficult, hopeless, and beyond my power to change or mend.
I'll just stay focused on the here and now, and trying to drop 10 pounds so I can at least get back into some clothes again. I realized today that I am not going to be able to wear skorts, which I love in the summer. Probably need to get under 150 to do that. Oh well.
I took care of two warranty things I wanted move on or toss so I wasn't having them sit around forever. D-pan sounds promising, Z-knives its mail in and see. But all boxed up and just needs to go to post office. Vacuumed. Washed a runner that was peed on yesterday. Plucked eyebrows and got rid of my arm and cheek hairs - "defuzzing". I swear it makes me look younger and brings my eyes out more.
I had such a nice and much needed shower, then got on the scale. I have put on so much weight and nothing fits, and in my head I was going "please please please let it be under 190." And it was actually surprisingly still under 180. 178.7. I am just going to mentally set my sights on getting back down under 170. A 10 pound loss. I really wish NDog could do longer walks, but he is only good for a mile at a very casual pace, due to a prior foot injury.
I arranged plans with the girl who will cat test and nail trim for NDog after 6PM. Hockey playoffs when I get home. Will stop at the store and get cilantro for the anti candida soup which seems to be anti inflammatory and non-allergenic for me. That will be delicious tomorrow, even if I do have to prep the shrimp.
I think another thing which has made me happy is I really have not had emails, phone calls, texts etc today, other than quick check ins with Proggy and my brother this morning. It's like being OOO (or what I imagine what OOO was like for people who could get away with it, primarily the Europeans).
My mind drifted to AN for a short while, mainly wondering what I would say to him. But mainly it still feels difficult, hopeless, and beyond my power to change or mend.
I'll just stay focused on the here and now, and trying to drop 10 pounds so I can at least get back into some clothes again. I realized today that I am not going to be able to wear skorts, which I love in the summer. Probably need to get under 150 to do that. Oh well.
Fiera
Well-known member
NDog passed his cat test and when I got home I sent an email to Pixy and the foster coordinators. Then a felt a big ball of grief hit my chest. I am very attached to this gentle dog, and one of the reasons I love him is the very reason I can't keep him - the foot condition. I need a canine companion which can go out exploring and hiking with me. It is not in the cards for him to do long walks or trail conditions. But as soon as a cat foster is available, he will move again, and I hate that it is necessary to move him again as well. But. There is a family waiting which have two cats and we have a hard time finding cat friendly hounds, so that is likely to be his fate and his forever home. Sigh. I know how necessary and important the role of fostering is. I am proud of myself for doing it, for growing, and for helping. But this one is going to be harder than DDog to see moving on.
Today I have to re-enter some form of focused working life to improve my house and yard conditions. I have a 12:30PT appointment as well. So I will pick up the cilantro after that. I did get a solid nights' sleep, turning my phone on DND and ignoring Proggy's texts around 10PM apologizing and saying he had fallen asleep after working out at the gym and taking allergy meds. NP here. I enjoyed a day which didn't substantially involve the telephone.
I ate an entire tarte and a bag of turkey jerky last night. It's astonishing the amount of food I can put away during a binge. In some fairness, it was only the second meal of the day. The tarte would have even been OK from a calorie count. But the turkey jerky cannot really be waived away. It's my latest "handy snack food" to turn into "can't keep THAT in the house" it seems. Though maybe if I kept it in the pantry cabinet instead of the snack box it would be OK. Or maybe it can be kept in the freezer downstairs.
Well, planning ahead for today, I will make the anti-everything shrimp soup for a midafternoon lunch after PT. The leftovers will be good for Thursday. I have leftover chicken meat for tacos for dinner, and lettuce for salads. I can go for a walk too, sans the dogs, I have't seen a forest preserve in ages. I guess somewhere in here I will receive instructions to relay NDog to a cat foster. Maybe I can combine that with a visit to the hometown or to my Dad.
Today I have to re-enter some form of focused working life to improve my house and yard conditions. I have a 12:30PT appointment as well. So I will pick up the cilantro after that. I did get a solid nights' sleep, turning my phone on DND and ignoring Proggy's texts around 10PM apologizing and saying he had fallen asleep after working out at the gym and taking allergy meds. NP here. I enjoyed a day which didn't substantially involve the telephone.
I ate an entire tarte and a bag of turkey jerky last night. It's astonishing the amount of food I can put away during a binge. In some fairness, it was only the second meal of the day. The tarte would have even been OK from a calorie count. But the turkey jerky cannot really be waived away. It's my latest "handy snack food" to turn into "can't keep THAT in the house" it seems. Though maybe if I kept it in the pantry cabinet instead of the snack box it would be OK. Or maybe it can be kept in the freezer downstairs.
Well, planning ahead for today, I will make the anti-everything shrimp soup for a midafternoon lunch after PT. The leftovers will be good for Thursday. I have leftover chicken meat for tacos for dinner, and lettuce for salads. I can go for a walk too, sans the dogs, I have't seen a forest preserve in ages. I guess somewhere in here I will receive instructions to relay NDog to a cat foster. Maybe I can combine that with a visit to the hometown or to my Dad.