Fiera's Diary

Writing from FL. Trip going OK. Yesterday was pleasant and sunny, a bit windy, but Dad rallied and went for a scooter ride around the park after I took him to lunch. After then doing warehouse club (fetching the store's scooter-cart), and bringing the items home, we went back to the grocery store to get items/chicken for dinner. I was worn out after pushing to keep pace with his scooter (he was cold, and it was a brisk 1 mile around the park). So after shopping was done I took a rest before Peaches and I prepared dinner.

Peaches is sick of food and so am I. My dad fixates on the next meal as soon as the current one is over. It is all he has to break up the boredom.

The walking is good. Am still dealing with sciatica but it has improved.

We will resume working on taxes today. It is a slow slog as he works his way through but I feel it is important to empower him to do his own stuff and exercise his mind as long as he is able.

Proggy is not coming. I had some concerns about how to make it fun and comfortable while not spending much money while he is out of work. After witnessing my dad's explosive hate hurled at the tv I tipped the scales in the direction of Proggy not coming. Weather has improved at home anyway and Proggy has interviews so all those were factors. However this morning I mentioned at breakfast that Proggy was not coming, and that I had told Proggy not to come because of my Dad's behavior. Silence. That means it actually stunned my Dad. Good. I am tired of the hate and I am tired of not standing up to him. It has been a lifetime of tolerating my dad's hate in order to keep the peace, and I am more aware than ever before of how that hate has shaped my brother's life and my relationship with my brother. I know you can't change old people but I don't have to put Proggy in the way of witnessing it either.

Peaches has expressed appreciation for my presence and assistance and seems comfortable with me being here for a prolonged visit. We don't have a friendship but we have an understanding that we are partners and supports for each other in taking care of my dad. I could actually consider moving in with them if the time comes that they want that/ask. I think without a dog/life of my own I am gravitating towards cohabitating of some kind. I like my freedom, but I don't like feeling all alone. A will see what unfolds.
Worked on taxes some more. Getting some docs electronically and some on paper is not helpful. He doesn't want paper statements on the monthlies, but he does prefer year end to come in the mail. And unfortunately many institutions don't let you separate those out. I think we are closing in on the finish line. We worked until lunch and then made BLT's and hot dogs with trimmings. I got the kitchen cleaned up and they are both napping. After my phone charges I will go to the pool/hot tub and try to get loosened up.

I feel a bit sad today. It will be interesting to see how I feel when I get away for a bit.
Funny, was watching Kingpin w Dad. Scene where Roy and the awful Bill Murray character come face to face. Reminded me of Tormentor, the denials and gaslighting and bullying and just a terrible human being. How he had the balls even years later to describe it as "butting heads" with me. P.O.S. And it occurred to me how sad and tiring it is that my life went off the rails and I have never gotten my confidence back. And I am tired of carrying that around. Whatever I have done wrong along the way, I have paid my penance, done my time. I have to let go of it. All of it.


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