Fiera's Diary

Fiera

Active member
Hi.

I hope that this journal will help me get clear and help me retake control of my life. Somehow I have given up trying...trying to live, trying to get healthy, trying to break the binge eating habits. It has been a slow upward progression over the years, but if I exercise daily - walk 3 miles or equivalent - I don't gain weight and I eat healthier. I am seeing a pattern in my adult life, as I have been here once before...and lost 80 pounds in one year through diet and exercise. I took up running as a hobby, along with dancing and traveling, and along with calorie management, the pounds dropped off. But gradually I have regained and then I really got out of control when I stopped exercising about a year and a half ago. Today I am a couch potato. Ouch. That hurts to acknowledge.

Exercising is more challenging now, as my bones and muscles are a decade older and won't tolerate running. But, I do have other options, and I have got to start somewhere. So walking will be my go-to.

Early 50's, female, 5'2", SW 177.6.
Short term goal to get under 170.

My max healthy weight is around 138. But I really can't think that far ahead. I need achievable goals.
At 1.5 pounds per week, it should take around 5 weeks if I do all the things that work for me. Winter Solstice, my favorite day of the year, would be a great target for this symbolic first goal achievement. But we will see. I need to be realistic. I just started medication for anxiety/depression which should help.

I also need to hold the line with the boyfriend on what food gets brought into the house. It was really since I started letting him stay here most of the time that I started bringing/allowing snack foods in the house. My will power is weak, especially in the evenings. But he hasn't been over as much recently since his job closed. I find the space in my house and life to be a blessing and an opportunity to really look at how I have been living and make some ch-ch-ch-changes.

I want to remind myself how much better my life was when I was in shape and food was not ruling my existence. How much easier it was to pack for a trip when I knew things would fit. How much easier it was to do household chores or have an adventure day. How much time I saved in small increments because I shopped less, did fewer dishes, spent less time in the kitchen. And how liberating it felt to free myself from the physically oppressive burden of layers of fat.

Do I *want* to do the hard work that is involved? Am I committed? Frankly, I can't promise myself anything. But if I can start showing up here and being accountable, it can be the spark that I need to get the fire burning again. I am too young to give up on living a vibrant life. I have a lot of problems to solve for sure. But it is clearly time to focus on myself and my health as a top priority. Enough is enough!
 

Llama

Well-known member
Great to see you started a diary. I like how open and honest you are about where you're at and what your motivation is. Best of luck!
 

Fiera

Active member
Thanks for stopping by LaMaria! I appreciate the encouragement.

B: Egg+white (90), partial 12-grain toast plain (100) = 190
Snack (Brekkie was early and meeting Saylor for lunch) Banana = 105
L: (Saylor) Meat Pie/Sauce/Chips = 700
D: (Proggy) Chicken in salad, tomato soup, rest of chips (350) Fake wine (200)
LATE SNACK (argh): 220
Total (target 1250): 1765
Meds/Supps: 6A 5:30P
Activity: 4 hours of leaf vac (400)
NET: 1365

Lifey Bits: Busy day planned. Woke up 4A, possible medication related. Need to get downspout leaf guards before CT comes to clean the gutters. Might as well run to hardware and get that done. I recently read that the best way to approach the day is to get whatever you don't want to do out of the way early. Some wisdom there.
 
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Llama

Well-known member
The getting important things done early thing is certainly true for me: I´m a terrible procrastinator but if I can get the day started well I´m much more likely to keep going.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Hi, Fiera. Good for you starting a diary. It really does help to acknowledge where you are & I think it's great that you have shared this with us (& yourself). It seems like you are ready to change things around.
ch-ch-ch-changes.
I started singing that 🎶
I want to remind myself how much better my life was when I was in shape and food was not ruling my existence. How much easier it was to pack for a trip when I knew things would fit. How much easier it was to do household chores or have an adventure day. How much time I saved in small increments because I shopped less, did fewer dishes, spent less time in the kitchen. And how liberating it felt to free myself from the physically oppressive burden of layers of fat.
I love this. I must remind myself too. It's a better thing to aim for something like that than to berate ourselves for letting that go. It's something positive to aim for.
 

Fiera

Active member
Just stopping in to your diary to say welcome and good luck :)
Thank you!

The getting important things done early thing is certainly true for me: I´m a terrible procrastinator but if I can get the day started well I´m much more likely to keep going.
It worked for me today, 👍 Hope that you had a good day!

I love this. I must remind myself too. It's a better thing to aim for something like that than to berate ourselves for letting that go. It's something positive to aim for.
Absolutely! I'm glad that you stopped by Cate 🙂
 

Fiera

Active member
Ok! Yesterday was the first time in a very very long time that I had my head back in the game. It feels important to celebrate what went right:

*I tracked everything that went into my mouth
*I made a mindful decision about what to have before I went out to lunch
*I was in motion for hours
*I got errands done on way to lunch
*I asked Proggy to make (healthy) dinner while I went to gyne appt

I don't feel so bad about that late snack since I had a lot of exercise. But I do need to work on that habit. Night time grazing is my worst. I used to have 100-150 calorie snack busters, like a quantity of baked tostitos scoops and with mounds of healthy salsa, or a rice cake with thin PB or honey, or pepper strips w hummus. The trick is to know what you can have for a 100 calories which has bulk and nutritional value, so you feel full leading up to bedtime.

The worst thing I did was add a bag of bbq chips I didn't need to my lunch. I had planned ahead. I didn't even know the cafe had them. They weren't on the menu. But there they were, waiting to ambush me, right by the register. I do note that I had only half the bag at lunchtime. But because it was sitting on the counter within eyesight I picked it up and added it to my dinner. Takeways: Put the snack food out of sight; Stick With The Plan.

Not a bad start. Walkies w SB/pup this morning.
 

Fiera

Active member
B: 1/2 Eng Muff, little butter, poached egg = 175
L: Tortilla, Roast Beef, Swiss = 280
D: Tacos (shrimp, chicken, avocado); salad; fake wine = 840
Snack: Chocolate/Animal Crackers = 380
Snack: Salsa/Chips = 220
Total: 1895
Activity: 2W; shopping (200)
Net: 1695
Meds/Supps: 8:30A, 1:30P
Lifey Bits:
SB dog walk FG; Proggy over/job interviews, pet store, grocery store, gas
Real estate listings, Real ID, Proggy FL flights, Global Entry Renewal
Sitting down to watch Sunset Boulevard.
 
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Llama

Well-known member
Ahhh, the dangers of the snack ambush! It´s always harder to say no when it´s a surprise. But once sticking to the plan gets to be the habit again I´m sure it´ll be easier.
 

Fiera

Active member
Day Two (yesterday) was OK until dinner. I did pause after two tacos + salad and when I still "felt hungy" half an hour later I had another taco and a half, Even that would have been OK. But then after another pause I felt cravings again. I grabbed a big glass of water. But I didn't fight it very hard, And that's where I went on a spree. I have to acknowlege that most of the spree foods (chips/salsa, animal crackers) were in the house for the bf; only the chocolate was mine; but I and I alone have the power to determine what goes in my mouth. I am going to have to accept that being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have food issues adds extra potential sinkholes to my landscape. And figure out ways to mitigate strong cravings. It may help to take my meds later in the day or to add a third dose, as long as it doesn't keep me up at night. It's very new so i will just keep paying attention.

What also went through my mind yesterday is "A failure to plan is a plan to fail". At least in the early days when you don't have healthy habits to guide you. Entering the land of plentiful tacos (proteins and toppings) was a potential pitfall. Having snack foods around without establishing portions was also a blind spot. It's really important to keep that calorie target clearly in mind.

Some things which went right yesterday:
*Counted every calorie
*Went for a brisk dog walk
*Got many chores done
*Day 3 no cigarettes (thank you meds)

Some alley repaving next to the house has resulted in water pooling worse than before, and I think the rainfall yesterday may have got into the neighbors garage. Not the outcome we expected. I am tired of fighting battles concerning this house, it is a time suck and the stress is terrible. I wake up with anxious thoughts about it. I just haven't found a suitable replacement home which meets all my trade offs; and I think I need to sit down an re-think what I want in a house because the Unicorn has not materialized.

I also have mixed feelings about an invite we received to spend thanksgiving with Proggys Uncle/Aunt/Cousins - about 16 ppl in all. There is the part about it being my favorite holiday and spending it with his family who we mostly have no contact with feels a bit empty, while I really would like to see a few from my own circle including EF/hubby who I traditionally see on Thanksgiving or the day after in the hometown. I do support spending the day with loved ones and I think we should go - even if I think Proggy and I are more friends than partners at this point. COVID sucks the joy right out of it. Both of us are vaxxed and boosted. The hosts are 70ish and they are not vaxxed. Even if they were, there would still be risk in spreading COVID in such a gathering (16 people in one house, unmasked, local rates are escalating). It pains me to go against my own conscience about keeping other people safe, and yet, those very people are willing to assume risks and socialize. I will stop there, I only brought it up because I feel internal conflict about it and we need to RSVP today.
 
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Fiera

Active member
Ahhh, the dangers of the snack ambush! It´s always harder to say no when it´s a surprise. But once sticking to the plan gets to be the habit again I´m sure it´ll be easier.
You are right. It will get easier with practice! Great reminder.
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 3 Accountability
B: 2 eggs (174), 2 TJ links (90), 1 raisin bread (90) = 354
L: Salad (100j, veggie chili (100) bkfst ssg (90) = 290
Still hungry - Roast bf/chs/tort =180
THEN - Shrimp/chs/avoc/tortx2 = 440
THEN - Choc bevita bitesx2 = 440
D:
Total: 1704
Activity: 0.5W Proggy bailed not dressed for icy wind =-40
Net: 1660
Meds/Supps: 8:30A 2:30
Sleep: 11P-5A (recliner), awakened w house anxiety

No doubt about it, lunch was entirely out of control. Why? I didn't get my exercise. Hormones. Lack of quality sleep. Proggys super caffeinated coffee. Annoyed with Proggy generally. Then he went home and I guess I was soothing emotions.

Finding the positives:
I am proud that I remain accountable and logged all of that ugly binge lunch.
I asked and Proggy agreed that we will return the other bag of that coffee.
I brought the kayak into basement storage for the winter, replaced fob battery, called about alley, located dog bed I hope to purchase.
Ignored a few cigarette cravings
I reacted kindly and comfortingly to Proggys bad judgement with super glue

Exercise is the "Magic Eraser". I can park and walk a bit of distance to the concert later and burn a few more calories. At least I am not in the least bit hungry so I have the power to keep this day from being a calorie blowout.
 
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Llama

Well-known member
Some alley repaving next to the house has resulted in water pooling worse than before, and I think the rainfall yesterday may have got into the neighbors garage.
Oof, that sounds so stressful.
What also went through my mind yesterday is "A failure to plan is a plan to fail". At least in the early days when you don't have healthy habits to guide you.
Definitely true. When I notice I can't come up with a food plan I look forward to I'm in definite binge danger.
COVID sucks the joy right out of it. Both of us are vaxxed and boosted. The hosts are 70ish and they are not vaxxed. Even if they were, there would still be risk in spreading COVID in such a gathering (16 people in one house, unmasked, local rates are escalating).
That sucks. I'm so happy my friends and relatives are all vaccinated and still advocate regular airing-out of gathering places and meeting up outside when possible.

You're definitely headed in the right direction with your plans and deliberations though!
 

Cate

Long-term member.
That is really a difficult decision to have to make about thanksgiving. What does EF stand for?
Well done on finding the positives in your day & day 3 without cigarettes 👏
 

Fiera

Active member
That is really a difficult decision to have to make about thanksgiving. What does EF stand for?
Well done on finding the positives in your day & day 3 without cigarettes 👏
EF is my longtime friend :) I (with misgivings) have agreed to go to the Thanksgiving. To support Proggy, who is going through hard times. I will probably see my friend EF when it is warm enough to hang outside around a bonfire.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Maybe if you keep in your mind like that (I'm just here for support) it'll be ok for a couple of hours. Best of luck!
 

Fiera

Active member
I had a bit of a struggle getting myself excited about going to a concert last night. Things really hit home when I took a shower and weighed myself (up over 180) and started trying to find something to wear. There simply wasn't anything. I ended up in badly muffin top stretched/jammed "fat jeans" 12P and a t shirt and a XL band hoodie I once bought for TB. I didn't wear a coat in spite of the cold since no coat fits except a ski jacket. And then I thought about running in to people who knew me from my clubby life, and the shame took over. I talked to Proggy about it during the drive, knowing that he listens and supports, knowing that he understands what it feels like to get very overweight and how it feels to "get it back".

As it turned out, I arrived just after the band I cared out about went on, stayed in the back, and I didn't end up bumping into anyone I know in the dark. I was masked the entire time and I am pretty short so no one could see me from across the room. And I had a blast. It was my first show since the pandemic, and a band I really used to love back in the day. I found joy in singing and moving and stomping and I celebrated it. I was so grateful to be anonymous and invisible and free in the dark with my mask on.

And I really think it's important to talk about this, because it reveals the extent to which I am ashamed and avoiding being seen because of my weight status. I am avoiding connecting with former co-workers. I am not getting out to music events where I know people, even ones which are low COVID risk. I tried to tell myself to "own it", as in be confident in my body, but the sendentary nature of my weight gain and the tightness of my clothes means I am neither athletic or graceful in how I move with this weight. I am simply burdened by a layer of fat which is getting between me and actually living.

And if all that hard truth is not motivating, I don't know what is.

I have gone back and forth about buying larger clothes so I have something to wear and feel more stylish in. But I think running into the situation that I did last night is a useful tool. I might have to crack before I go stay with my Dad in FL in a couple of weeks. But there I can get away with shorts and a t shirt most of the time.
 
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Llama

Well-known member
So glad to see you went to the concert and had fun (responsibly)! My heart dropped when I read about the closet conundrum. I've SO been there... I try to keep a balance between buying larger clothes to be comfortable while not getting TOO comfortable at a higher weight. (Can you tell I've gone up and down a couple of times over the years?) It's hard, there are no perfect solutions, but you went and had fun instead of letting the weight get you down and consoling yourself with food and that's what counts.
 
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