Fiera's Diary

Thursday

Ended up meeting Proggy yesterday after his noon job interview. We caught a quick bite of Mexican then a 2P matinee of the Beekeeper. I knew from my dad it was an action film but I didn't know it was going to be 2 hours of violence. Made me realize and speak up to Proggy that I really feel like I am done with those kind of films. He nodded and said he could see that, I do want to see Poor Things and several other films. Maybe this weekend we will catch another.

Today was early rise and gather things for the kennel. I was out the door by 7. We (me, LM, and BP] left from BP's at 7:30. Thick fog, we arrived at the kennel at 9. Profiled 6+2 until 11:30, then had lunch at a pub (Dad's favorite for Friday Fish Fry) I know of near the hometown. They both liked it. We made it back to BP's around 2:45 I was home around 3:15. Typed up notes and emailed to Pixy an hour later.

Now I am sure tired. It was nonstop but it was good for the soul. Had fun with 2 retired ladies, 🙂. Human contact how nice, Was able to mention KDog passing with steadiness. Was able to enjoy all the pups without feeling a need to take one home. It helps that the other ladies also have been through dog loss and pause periods where they did the travelling. "You buy a car, travel, and then get the dog" said one.

I would really like some ice cream to magically show up at the house. Alas. And I am pretty sure I am going to just watch tv and rest now. Piriformis was relatively OK today. Still there, but minor, Will see how it is once I lay down on the couch.

Coldish in the house and den, but space heater slowly bringing up the temp

I feel pretty satisfied.
 
It sounds like a nice outing, Fiera with like-minded people. Violent movies are not for me. They never have been.
That's funny, but I wished for some ice cream to appear today too. I might buy some tomorrow. I can just have one scoop when I do have it, so it's not dangerous to have in the house. Vanilla only. I love it with fresh fruit salad.
 
I went as far as putting ice cream and a couple of other items in the insta-delivery app; abandoned when they wanted a surcharge for timely delivery. I wanted that ice cream but "now" and without effort. I figured it was a good exercise in self denial to just delete the request. I had peanut butter and a granola bar instead.

I do need to get back to eating meals instead of rummaging/snacking all day. Also, food windows would be a good idea. Acid reflux since the Mexican food on top of a surge of bacon and coffee. I can do better.

Relatedly, I need to get on scale today.

Sleep early last night so up at 5:30 today. Westerns on free movie channel, switched over to some programming about dog adoptions. Seeing dogs in shelters (and kennel yesterday) was a bit saddening. "Tommy" a dog that I adore has been in kennels since late September. Another, a strapping big boy has been since late October, and the dogs from geography 2 since early Nov. Not to mention a couple of special cases which have been there 2 years plus. I am relatively new to all this and just now seeing the underbelly and getting insights on some of the dogs which preceded me. I know better than to take on a situation I cannot sustain; I just hope that our efforts yesterday will result in some dogs moving into adoption soon. Poor big boy G, he is like a small pony, how long will it take to find a strong single man or couple with no kids who will be a good fit? He is a smashing boy, boy too much for me for sure. He jumped up and bopped me in the face in excitement and could easily drag me off my feet on a leash. How long will he stay in the kennel? Well, I can go visit as often as I choose. The kennel is a soothing setting out in a very rural area, not far from the hometown, so I can readily find excuses to head out there. Proggy at least is on board with visiting so maybe as early as Sunday.

It was dark out until a few minutes ago. Now it's a lightening grey thick overcast. The temps are above freezing and everything is wet mush. Yesterday was very thick fog. No doubt conditions lately have been S.A.D. on steriods. The piriformis issue has been slowing me down. I learned that powering through the discomfort just makes it worse. Today I need to take out trash and recycling, pick up around house, do laundry and dishes. I have CB, I need to get to grocery, and am planning to visit DDog later - THAT I am super excited about. :)

Yesterday with the gals made me appreciate being retired a bit more. BJP is like me - single, no kids, no dog currently, but does have nieces and nephews. She had a business career working for consulting and law firms. LM is divorced, but has 3 kids, a couple of dogs, and is a retired educator. She seems more active and social. She is interested in kayaking. She is fit and has energy. BJP is more like me I think. She is willing, she wants to be involved, and seems to have a hole in her life to fill. We had fun going out to lunch afterward. This is the way I will make new friends and forge a way forward.

Speaking of friends, EF's daughter is off to college (she started at a local school and now transferred to a 4 year college). Maybe Proggy and I can visit EF this weekend.
 
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CB just cancelled, migraine. I had just been sitting down to reflect on what I wanted to cover. We will meet tomorrow. Meantime, I like the idea of reflecting time.

First, acknowledging my outward expansion as of the last week or so. Seeking new restaurants with Proggy, taking him to indoor track, running errands together (knife repair, running shoe recycling, groceries, tapas...gravitating towards the new. Ann Lamott webinar, pirate meditation group zoom. Did some reading (GB memoir). Got out to old times theater/movie and quaint town to meet Proggy without him staying at my house. Brought in two people to kennel run to help profile and had a much richer and rewarding experience. Connected. Am able to address KDog's passing without turning into a teary puddle. Considering that the weather has been really poor for outside activities, I am pleased with my efforts and activities.

Today I was up early and doing chores,..vacuumed, dishes, brought donations in from garage for sorting. Later will bring downstairs and start laundry.

I am not missing the folks who essentially have self selected out of my life. I feel more balanced...they can have their reasons, which may or may not be largely to do with me. I may never fully understand what happened but then people don't owe me explanations. I do hope that my heart will continue to open up and I will be worthy and capable of the people in my life. That I will listen to my heart and do the things I want/need to feel fulfilled. That I will be quicker to let toxic people go, more mindful of signals, and hang tightly to those who enrich my life.

There is a spark happening and I like it. Whether meds/vitamins or breathing space I don't know, I did start weekly B12 shots again on Monday. Maybe that is a help.
 
Just came for a break/reset. I paid bills and saw some KDog vet visit records in the to-be-filed so I decided to clean out/shred. Except her adoption records which I will keep and I confirmed her gotcha date. We had over 11 years together, I cried when I saw who signed the adoption contract at the northwest kennel that day...Sue, who unexpectedly and suddenly passed a couple of years later at a too-young retiree age. I thought of how she and Pixy surely were friends...how the old school people probably remember her...how much I appreciate the old school people who built this organization and who were part of the journey which led to me and KDog (and EDog and I think MDog and CDog both too).

I started to go about making the memorial for KDog - it will be a month tomorrow - and I have this idea of picking a photo from each month of the year, since she was a rugged outdoorsy all weather type girl. But I found that I don't have all my old photos on the current laptop and will need to rebuild/organize. I project I have been needing to get to but not necessarily today as it is a pretty big thing to jump into. We'll see.

Usually right after a dog passes away I write a sort of tribute of the nicknames, the personality, the favorite things about them...a way of processing grief and making a permanent record for when memories fade. I haven't done it. Maybe because I went out of town a few days later. But I think it is more than that. I think she is such an embedded part of my life that it is taking time to figure out where the borders are between KDog's life and mine. She was more than a dog, she was more like a limb. She was my heartbeat. Or maybe I am avoiding the finality of writing the memorial, just as I haven't been able to post anything on social. Well, however I need to process this, it is my process, mine alone, and it is not on a timeline except what my heart wants.

CB postponed and then DDog adopters postponed til tomorrow too. I welcome the extra free time today, if I can regroup and use it constructively.
 
I have to get this down.
For a good hour I fumbled around with options to get fish and chips for dinner, since I missed out on it yesterday and had it on the brain. Fish and chips and hearty beer. But to drive (alcohol risk), walk (wait 3 hours til open), delivery (no beer). Finally I said Eff if, and picked up my book and went to the V pub, It was nearly empty as hoped and there was a little table right next to the gas fireplace which was perfect.

No sooner had I gotten comfortable and ordered, then read a few sentences, I the strains of - it can't be - yes it is, KDog's song. It was emotional just for a moment - after all it keeps showing up, why? but the strains of conflicting Mexican music c9ming out of the kitchen probably kept me from getting too deep in reflection and sadness. I put that moment away. Pixy called after my food arrived and I put it to vvmail. But then, 20 minutes after the first song, EDog's song came on. Now, his is a more cheery dancy vibe and that (and the Mexican music) keep me from going to deep.

I tend to believe in coincidence a heck of a lot more than I believe in spirits, afterlife, but there were times in my life where this kind of a HUGE flag from the Universe would carry a big meaning. What was it, a "hello, enjoy your moment, keep your eyes peeled someone or something magic is about to happen". Was it a "hey now, you really should keep your priorities in order and you are feeling impulsive, don't have a second beer, go home, stay vigilant". Maybe it was a way of communicating that they are reunited? Who the F knows? But it was pointed enough to get me out of there after one beer and come straight home.

I know that it can be a coincidence that both those songs came on the radio in short order. It can also be a coincidence that I just happened to enter that pub within the right time window to catch it. 10 minutes either direction and I would have missed one or the other.

It may have zero meaning except what attribute to it, That is usually how these things work. i could have seen the virgin mary in my tartar sauce and it would be the same thing, But it is still extraordinary and worthy of reflection.
 
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Aw geez...
Something sparked me to look up W's social.
I looked a couple of weeks ago and was so happy to see he made his 5 year sober mark and he and his fiancé looked happy and solid. Now he had a relapse, was in the hospital for detox, and back out and got a 24 hour coin and there is 'no relationship info to show". What happened? Did he hit the 5 year and get wiggy? What sent him off, did they break up first or vice versa? Darn it.
 
Monday

Yesterday Proggy and I went up to the kennel. I spiffed up about 6 dogs and provided some input to the folks who came to meet dogs. One which came up from foster likely has a home, subject to cat testing. One of the newer dogs from geography 2, a darling loving little girl with a bit of a frequent urinating issue - found the perfect home with a mother-son combo. I am over the moon with that match up. The third guy met a few dogs and then inquired about one of our long term residents - a special case mostly German Shepherd who needs a strong savvy owner and a big commitment to training. That one I am not so sure about because I don't know the behavioral issues of the dog or much about the prospective adopter, but it would be great if that works out.

I just love love love being around them. I will clean up messes, I will do pretty much any gruntwork if it means I earn my right to come and go as a trusted volunteer.

Stopped by to see EF on way back out of town. Short visit. She dropped her daughter off at universitya few days prior and was a bit weepy and concerned. As she walked Proggy and me to my car she mentioned that S was in town and was coming over later to visit. I brushed past it seamlessly and I don't think EF noticed.

Woke up this morning after a broken nights' sleep. Feeling a bit melancholy about KDog and more of the same clouds. But. I reached out to Peaches and got the ball rolling on plans to go back down Friday and stay for 10 days. Hopefully will have SOME sun. Piriformis finally getting close to being able to take a gentle walk. By weekend I should be able to walk around the condo complex in shorts. Plus outdoor hot tub may help. Then reached out to brother and solicited feedback on whether it would work to have a visit while I am down there. Will probably see my aunt/uncle too. I heard from SB. I sent a note to EF. I touched base with Proggy. I feel like I needed to get a trip planned to get in motion again. It gives me a hard deadline to do some things around the house and take inventory of my to-do list.

And now the SUN came out for the first time in 10 days. I will try to take a little walk and do a few little chores, like bring the kennel day stuff in from the car.

Oh, maybe I did not mention that Proggy and I visited DDog and his adopters on Sat. It was nice, just indoors due to my sciatica. He was happy to see me as were J&L. They also gave me 2 gifts, one was a key holder that L's mom had gifted which they had no place for. The second J had brought from a guy on FB marketplace, some fashioned cufflinks from a coin which had a dog on it. Very cute but I am not sure how I will display/repurpose them. Very sweet though.

OK, going to take advantage of this sun.
 
Well didn't get very far. This leg just wants to cramp. I brought some things in from car to basement and moved some contractor bags out of the garage but stopped there. I thought I would get more done. I just have The Sad today. It happens, Thanks Ma Nature for the sunlight.
 
4:39PM. Just noting that beyond booking the flights for Friday's trip and the end of MarchI have really just been sitting here spinning my wheels, reading social. Proggy was annoying me trying to keep the on the phone and I was really impatient; finallu I just said "you know, I think I really just don't want to be on the phone" and he relinquished his grip and we got off. I could go to in person pirate meditation group later, but doubt that I will. Just stuck in first gear today it seems.
 
I made myself go for a walk as the sun was drawing close to the horizon. I haven't walked much since coming home from FL on Jan 10...a combination of the piriformis and the bad weather. Since the day has been pretty aimless I thought it would help...and it did, but I cried all the way through it. Given KDogs lessening mobility the past couple of years, and especially since building the ramp, we established a routine of daily walks around the neighborhood. The route varied a bit but there are only so many combinations you can take, really. So, I just took the most common one....down past the park, then past the Irish place before heading back towards the house. Every inch of it reminded me of KDog. Every fence post and tree you used to stop and sniff and read the pee mail. Now, feeling lonely and alone and no reason to stop and linger. I thought about how beautiful she was, she was radiant; how she made it so easy to casually meet strangers...how she selected the dog people and gravitated towards them - selectively - to say hello. I cried the entire way. The grief is getting deeper now that I have been home and the busyness has subsided. Also, I am alone. I have to get used to walking down the street alone. I have to get used to having no dog to give me a reason to say hello to strangers (without being creepy).

If I felt free to do so, I would get another dog sooner rather than later. All of the dogs at the kennel are darling, though some are not a good fit (too big, physical limitations etc). And even if I was traveling I would likely be able to find someone to hound sit. But the bigger retarding factor is that I will eventually need to spend a lot of time at my Dad's, and it just seems like it will be too much.

I also looked at the sad state of my home, the paint peeling from the windows. and I just feel like I am never going to be able to dig myself out of hole I have with this house. It's a lot of work to think about moving. It's a lot of work to think about staying too. Could I manage to have a dog and live in a condo? Do I want to, knowing how much I am able to do for the dogs because of my current house? I'm not scared exactly. I guess if anything I'm afraid of not living my life. Of continuing to try to swim upstream against the current until I am too old and tired and I have to give up on this house anyway. It has been a decade since I first started having the problems with the "new" roof and eaves...the water issues...

I am a lurker on some DIY forums and on the one hand, I see how possible it is to do some improvements yourself. On the other hand, those are people with knowledge and tools and probably people in their lives to help them. And home renovations takes time away from the things that I really want to be doing. At least I think I want to be doing. Getting back to guitar, kayaking, dog rescue, maybe even dating. Who the heck wants to date a fat, washed up fifty something woman who lives in a sh*t hole? Everything about me right now signals lack of self respect, self love.

Maybe a fresh start in a new living situation really will help. I just don't know how to get to that point, but I guess if my mind gets made up the details will fill themselves in.
 
What a turbulent and mucky day.
Went to in person meditation group. Helpful. Except the problem about being attracted to a couple of the old guys, Why can't I just be/feel normal around guys when I really have no intention of dating anyone. Why am I uncomfortable with attraction? It's a normal human emotion. Eh.

Anyway I feel quieter now. Earlier I had chips and a salad and coconut milk chocolate ice cream for linner. I noticed while meditation that my bp seemed high then I figured out why. Am also having elevated level of tinnitus right now too, so there ya go Salt is not your friend, but it is so good sometimes...

Am supposed to call Proggy tonight, I don't feel like it but more afraid he will feel neglected/disappointed. Maybe I can find a way to keep it short, I really just want to sit in this quiet space I have managed to come to.
 
Tuesday

Wow, that was an ugly one yesterday. Feeling much better this morning in spite of the return of the overcast, flat grey. Late text from Pixy saying that possible meetup today w rescue geo2 person is not going to occur, so back to original plan to drive down to Proggy's for a walk and dinner. He was really bumming yesterday after receiving a "pass" from a job he felt he had nailed and really wanted. He is trying to not get discouraged but it has been over a month now and working really hard at it. He wants to move as soon as he lands something...no more doubts or demurrs. But he needs the secure income first, obviously. I feel bad for him. His depression is really grabbing hold. The weather is the worst. I hope by booking my flights that he takes inventory of his situation and decides to buy a cheap ticket to FL or somewhere. I think my act of just making plans of my own kindof poked him a little bit too...in both a good and bad way. But it's always wait and see with him, not necessarily his fault, but my life is important too. Healthy for me actually to just make plans.

I had a sleep donut hole last night in which I ended up reading, Then I went back to sleep for a full cycle and was surprised to wake up at 8:45. I feel good and rested. Started laundry so I have clean jeans for today. Will do more laundry Thurs and pack. May spend night at Proggy's to keep both of us company. We both could use a bottle of wine and company.

It is a bit weird being in a place in life again where it doesn't matter where I hang my hat, where there is always a sense of loneliness coupled with a sense of relative freedom. I think, looking back, my dogs have been my anchor. They keep me accountable and provide a home base. They make me get out of bed in the mornings.

I was thinking, briefly, about Ingrid this morning. She was a co-worker many years ago. I gradually came to know that she was alone in life without family, and her golden was the center of her world. When the dog became seriously ill and then died, she had a terrible time with the loss. I remember feeling sorry for her, seeing her loneliness from the outside with sympathy for her pain. It was then like looking at this sad person, wondering how awful it must be to go through life so alone. That was back before my divorce, before my remaining family moved away, before I too experienced the breathtaking crush of being utterly alone, I am grateful today that at least I have my dad and Proggy to blunt the absence of KDog.

I have lightly considered trying to reconnect with J&M while in FL; perhaps if other plans and commitments solidify I will consider it further. But for the past couple of years I have harbored a bit of resentment. The friends who once called me family and I thought were forever friends have been in town numerous times and not even been in touch to see if I could drop by/meet for even a cup of coffee or short visit. I don't see the point in making the effort to stay in touch with people any more who don't take an active interest in my life, Which means that I have hardlay anyone left. Truth is, when people have kids their lives change....when people move their lives change...when people retire their lives change. It is not ill will, it's just the tendency for most friendships to arise from circumstance, That is why families tend to endure and friendships to evolve. My best friend lives 40 miles away and my closest geographical friend SB is frequently not here and also is busy with her own set of couples. In fact, I have not seen her in months and she does not even know that KDog passed away. She is/was my dog walking friend. When I am physically more able to briskly walk I will meet up with her again.

Not much else to say I guess, I feel like I am just passing time here because journaling is easier than facing the grey world today.

Hopefully Proggy and I will have a good, fun time today.
 
Wednesday

Well, Proggy and I made a good time of it. When I first picked him up we were going to walk a mile in a usual fp by his house. Then absent anything else, go to the restaurant I have a gift cert for. We were nearly to the fp when I spontaneously suggested we go to F---and walk the railroad track paved trail. So we did, but when we got there we just puttered around town, went to a few shops, got hot chocolate and sat in coffee shop and talked. I finally got him to agree to go into the guitar shop before we left town. We ended up being there about 40 minutes, chatting w the staff a bit (Santa Cruz! yay!) and Proggy tried a few acoustics. People always stop and pay attention when he plays, as he knows allsorts of jazz, blues, etc. But it was really how he was glowing, smiling, while playing that really lit up the room.

After, we stopped at a real Italian grocery and grabbed sub sandwiches made to order (so good) and then went to the restaurant. It is an expensive winery type place so we agreed we'd sit in the bar and get a glass of wine each and a couple of apps. Awe had shrimp app and split a hamburger. Enough food, wine, and cheer to be very pleasant and we really liked the place. With tip we only spent 28 ($50 gift card was from JIGA in a Christmas Card, one of the old generation rescue peeps. It was really nice. We stopped and got ibuprofen for my leg and then listened to Proggy's EP, then turned on tv. I conked out.

Today we got up and after coffee went over to the Park District where he lives to check out the indoor walking track. It was nice and he signed up. The we took our fp walk and stopped at grocery store, then had subs for lunch and I was off.

He really didn't want me to leave, I think both of us enjoyed the companionship, but I have things to do and he has a telephone interview,

Home, the repair part arrived for the humidifier so I have that working now. I parsed out vitamins for my trip and reordered extras plus new screen protectors and a sticker shield for the car.

Property Tax bill arrived, breathtaking in its dramatically increased figure. In the past year my property taxes went up approx 3 grand and medical premium increased nearly 4 grand. That means expenses went up 7 grand per year. Who on earth can afford to live when this kind of relentless increase takes away everything you worked so hard for? I really may need to get some part time income after all...it just sucks what more income does in terms of federal income tax. Not. Fair. I did everything right and then some. But....going into victim mode won't help anything.

Speaking of..having attended meditation group for the 3rd week, it really is so helpful to be integrating it into daily life. I notice my emotional reactions more and am more often able to interrupt them, mindful to watch the river and not be in the river. Acceptance. A bit of stoicism. Everything in moderation.

The walk in the fp this morning was 1.33 miles. Longest since my injury. My leg cramped a little towards the end and we slowed down. Getting there. Ibuprofen is helping. I will bring my massager, sport rub etc with to FL this time.

That's the update I think. Slowly organizing and packing. Cleaning Lady tomorrow then I fly out Friday morning. Expect to see my brother this weekend.
 
That sounds like a lovely day, Fiera. That would have done Proggy a lot of good, especially playing guitar. I hope he gets a job soon. That rise in expenses is horrendous. You'll come up with a work around though I'm sure.
 
Thursday

Was tired early yesterday evening but ultimately had a fitful night. There is much to do today to get ready for my trip. I feel depressed about it actually, it is far too long, but will take it one day at a time. Feeling restless and out of sorts. Leg has been cramping a bit and that it not helping. This trip is a chance to shake things up and yet the circumstances will likely mean poor sleep quality and constant focus on food. Well, I know what to expect and I hope I can walk, use the pool, and perhaps do a few other things, I have a yoga mat down there I can use outdoors as long as it is not raining.

Not sure why I am struggling to get organized lately in spite of the bonus free time and relative reduction in stress. Inflammation? Lack of structure? Depression? Well, the clouds have not been helping, I see the sun peeking out just now and I see that the position is shifting from its narrow southern band to a position more directly southeast. It has been about 6 weeks since solstice and the progression is cheering. No wonder the neolithic monuments concentrated on the sun's position in the sky...who could NOT find it integral to life on this planet?

At Proggy's, I was noting the relative serenity of the more rural area. It is the same way I feel when I am out in the hometown. Surroundings feel more expansive and calming and simpler, yet also emptier and less interesting. I always knew that a small rural life could not hold me. Yet a complicated, frenetic city life can not hold me either. I like accessing both when I need them...a real conundrum when finances will not permit you to have multiple residences. I thought I had done everything right, but somehow I have not quite, and I won't be able to enjoy both settings long term unless I share a property with someone or mooch off friends. I may end up renting, or getting a trailer. Maybe I can find a smallish less expensive cottage somewhere. I feel more afraid again about prospects, especially after getting the tax bill and seeing the peeling paint on my front windows. I need to spend more time looking at finances and making a plan. Or at least understanding my options.


....... written earlier, sitting unposted.
 
Barely going thru the motions today. Maybe the poor sleep quality. Muddled. Quiet. Depressed. Even though sun is out and it was my intention to go walk in the woods.

Just doing little things to get ready for trip. Cleaning Lady was here. She even remarked on how quiet I was. I left and went to pharm for x refill and to pick up repaired knives so not sitting in shop for 2 weeks. Paid taxes, Found a trust document I needed a copy of to take to FL for attorney discussion. Reconciled bank statement for Dec. Sad to see things in there which were not in my register. Reminded how the landscaper is charging too much for spring/fall cleanup and need to ask for discount now that 5 trees have been removed.

Proggy and I tossed around idea of a movie later if I was packed and we both felt up to it. I *could* be packed if I step on it. But I probably won't. I think the melancholy has everything to do with this trip, I should be going somewhere for myself but I promised I would come back down and I extended time frame in case Proggy could make it. Well, I guess I had better figure out what I can do which will help me feel like I am doing this for myself too. Maybe hot tub, walks in state park, fishing...I need to pack sunblock, hydration kit etc and I cannot get myself out of the molasses.

I also will say that it feels like a day where I would have liked to have self soothed with some whiskey or something. Maybe just a leeeetle walk will help.
 
Did take a short walk. Talked to Proggy during the first half. After we hung up the funk was running the show, and I was crying the last few blocks. Sun was nice but my leg was really tight and I stopped before I made it worse. Traveling tomorrow will be challenging.

I guess I'm here because it's easier than knuckling down and finishing the packing. I am going to travel light again, just as a practical matter. Proggy is already saying he might not come down, he has some in person interviews. I wish now that I was only going for a week. My state of mind is a bit troubling. I haven't felt depressed in some time, and it seems like it is showing up. A lack of sense of purpose. A lack of specific goals or plans. Withdrawn socially. Struggling physically. I don't want to get stuck here and I need to fight hard to get back on track. If the piriformis isn't resolved soon I need to tend to it.

My weight gain is becoming an obstacle to my happiness. It's not just about not having clothes that fit. It's about not going camping or kayaking or hiking. It's about how limiting it was trying to groom and handle dogs at the kennel. It's about not keeping up with Proggy or SB or EF while walking. It's stupid. Why can't I get my head in the game and FIGHT like it means something?

I guess the dawning awareness of the enormity of expenses has something to do with it. Generally, I have spent whatever I wanted, nothing extravagant, but I don't sweat the day to day expenses. I have some things sitting here I need to monetize quickly if possible, after I get back. The extra large dog stroller. The dog ramp. The expensive dog meds (tried but failed earlier). Also, I have to stick to my guns and get my dad to pay for the March flight when I drive him and Peaches back home, since I am paying hotels out of my own pocket. I need to be more strict about splitting meals with Proggy and I need to stop funding unreimbursed expenses for the dog rescue out of pocket. I have pretty much everything we need now anyway, but going forward I am not going to be so quick to just order stuff like chicken broth, alcohol wipes etc. I need to go on a budget, and I need to figure out when I will run out of ready cash this year. And I need to set up appointments with new financial guys when I get back, because the lack of a 72t plan is starting to make me uncomfortable.

I just had dinner. I was thinking about how fasting works pretty well for me, and how I don't even consider it while I am in FL because Dad and Peaches treat meal time like social time and I pretty much need to eat 3 meals with them. But. That is exactly the kind of thinking that puts other people first. If I want to do it, do it. If I want to wait til I get back, then can I at least get back to cutting out eating after 6 at night...that would be a good start. So I am doing that tonight.

Dishwasher just finished. I'm not sure I need to do any more laundry, I think the things I want most are already clean. So, I'll go get the smaller suitcase and see about filling it.
 
Friday.
Ha. Stubborn to the end. I woke up at 4:30 for a 4:45 alarm and so I am sitting as long as possible on the couch before getting in the shower. I really am dragging but it is inevitable that I need to order the Uber. Gah! Farewell, hopefully I will post from time to time from FL!
 
I hope your trip goes better than you expect it to xo
 
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