Fiera's Diary

Quite tired. Took KDog and then NDog and LDog (Coopers) from Bill and Laura's, then went to see the vet up North to do a wound inspection / bandage change for KDog and exams on the 2 fosters. Vet told me 2P and she meant 4P. Got in a pretty little drive in a rural settingo kill time but it did add to being tired. Since the loading process started at 11:30A and I got home around 7:20P that was a crazy time investment. Plus NDog was trying to get up front in the car in a way which suggested to me he had been allowed to do that with a prior owner. It took a lot of effort to control him repeatedly with my injury not entirely healed. He had travelled so nicely before we weren't expecting him to be so engaged and stubborn.

Yeah I have to just knockoff and go to sleep.
 
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Not sure even worth the mention...the lady who "helped me lift" KDog in the car was the director at the nearby cultural center. She said yes when I texted her and when I got there wanted to do the thing where you put the front paws up and push from behind. She said "look at me, I can't lift a dog that big" I was in disbelief as I told her that KDog has a bad back and no we aren't doing that. She ended up getting a staffer to help, thanking the dude and telling him "I know this is not your job". This is after I had texted a few other people and posted on a neighborhood site, so it is not like I didn't have other options...I was flabbergasted. I went back and looked at my text and it was clear, I said "lift" not "load". Whatever. I have had several awkward interactions with this lady and I think I am better off not pursuing the connection except on a business basis. She also in the same conversation told me about a recent emergency visit for her dog for an accident her son had with the dog and how much money she has spent this year and that she can't afford her dogs and that she is into credit cards. Not in the way a typical person would say, where you are just making a comment and you would never give up your dogs...it had a weird feel to it the way words sometimes hang in the air, which felt like she was actually thinking of relinquishing them. I guess time will tell. The last time I saw her was with her dogs she was glowing about the diet she feeds them and how well their coats look. They are a picture of health. So maybe she was just venting and it's her quirky personal style that just made it a weird, memorable moment.
 
So anyway it is 3:30AM, I woke up at 1:30. Presumably because I ate a meal before bed. A steak and stout pie and 2 granola bars at 10PM. That's the kind of day it was, I had not had much to eat. I do wish I had tried to stick it out. But I had a nice meal and flipped on the tv and boom I was out like a light.

Guru doc ordered the5-day kit so I should have it next week. I have an appointment with him this morning (video).

I don't have a plan for lifting KDog into the car for her massage appointment at 2. I can't do it yet. It was hard to help her down but the lifting is impossible. It is still a struggle to lift more than 5 pounds on that side. It still hurts when I sneeze or cough, but not, severe. I am so ready to be done with all this. I am not really ready for NDog to come but I should not need to lift him.

I probably am not adopting NDog. The vet says he has an old injury which was surgically repaired, and may be not the best dog for someone who wants to take long walks and hikes. I ordered some support socks and have some booties and that was her suggestion. I can see how he does. I have to be clear headed about it. I want my pup to help me get exercise and be able to go to fests and things and it isn't fair to either of us if he is not able to do that without potential to aggravate his foot. I also would still need to see how KDog accepts him. Yesterday with 3 muzzled dogs in the car was not a test.

Am drinking some Relax tea and it is starting to kick in, so I can get another sleep cycle.

I also broke down and bought smokes after I dropped off NDog and LDog yesterday. Maybe that has something to do with me being up. Also KDog needed to go out so we took a little walk. Just remembered I need to order the specialty wrap/padding the vet recommended for dressing her wound. Ugh. This is going to be a loooooong haul.
 
Well, I need to step away from the dogs today.
I woke up to an email chain in response to a brief message I sent about NDog picking up a tick and our dosing schedule. Pixy was defensive and disoriented. She is working overtime I know, but I can see the toxic dynamics at play. I am choosing to not reply as I have nothing further to add.
 
Sorry to hear things are so stressful. Could you put a board up against the side of the car like a ramp and have KDog walk up or would that be too hard for her back as well?
 
Thanks LaMa, it just feels too unsafe and in any event I don't think she would do it. I canceled her massage today as the woman also said she would not be able to life KDog in the car. So the special treat dinner for her tomorrow is also off. That is also because I am feeling very exhausted and stressed out. I have to dog proof the house tomorrow for NDog's arrival Sunday. And pack for my Dad's. Then Friday morning load the car including KDog and get on the road to my Dad's. Its taxing for sure.

I have lost hours today getting my scanner working and figuring out the best settings. It is no longer supported in Windows 11 but I finally found a third party software I could purchase and use. It's a short term fix. But I am too tired to finish scanning tonight.

Tomorrow I have a chiro appointment. Guru doc wants him to make sure I don't have subluxated(?) rib. He thinks I should be further along. The chiro wants me to bring in the xray report. Well the xray is on a CD and who the hell has a computer any more? I just can't even bother to try to get that printed out, And frankly he should not need it to do what he needs to do.

I am sorry. I am tired and whiney. I will go away and just try to rest I need. I had to take a Xanax this evening, which is rare.
 
Am moving slow this morning. At least I got enough sleep last night. I have a chiro appt this morning I am second guessing. I have been exhausted for 2 days. If anything I should be going for a chest XRay.

I woke up with house terrors again. It has been a good period of at least months where I have lived free from that. It's all because I don't know how to solve the worsening issue with the neighbor. Now his pool deck is sliding into my fence so it's going to be a problem for me putting up a new fence and also an encroachment for RE purposes. It's so awful when a man's ego and bullying behavior affect you innthe serenity of your own home. I cannot allow myself to stay a victim in this.
 
Oh, Fiera. I had wondered about your neighbour & had wrongly assumed things were good. Is the land subsiding & is his pool deck literally sliding into your fence? :eek:
 
Cate said:
Oh, Fiera. I had wondered about your neighbour & had wrongly assumed things were good. Is the land subsiding & is his pool deck literally sliding into your fence? :eek:
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Yes. Though now there is some debate as to whose fence and where exactly the property line is. I spoke with the wife today and sent them a copy of my survey which I think is not useful as it shows the fence in the wrong spot. I probably am going to simply have to have a new survey done. But I would like to resolve the issue of the existing chain link fence, which he has put a privacy fence inside of, and it makes no sense to add a third fence on my side without ripping it out. The fence is all the same model and age as the rest of my property and it is fairly clear it was installed by the people who owned my house. But law may not dictate that I own the fence.

I showed the wife where the underlying pavers and bricks were all squirring through under the fence because of water gushing off their garage and she said oh yeah, the fence on the other side of their yard had also fallen down. Well duh of course that is going to happen. I was dreaming about this stuff last night. I need time to think about it all but not right this minute,

This guy has also done several things on my property without permission. He came onto my property and poured concrete between my sidewalk and his house 6-8" strip...on my land. Like he had to have opened the gate and come through with a wheelbarrow one day when I was not home. He also installed an electric meter on my land without asking, telling me after the fact and that he would be willing to move it if it was ever an issue. He is a bully. I would never trespass in someone's yard without permission, let alone install something. But I guess you don't rise to his position of considerable power without knowing how to assert yourself and get what you want.

This is depressing. I'm moving on.
 
What was not depressing is a whole lot of things.

The chiro made an adjustment and 3 ribs moved back into position. That and laser therapy and a percussion gun. Very helpful. Next week massage and more laser.

Sun was out today. Met Saylor for a walk.

Met w insurance agent for a review. Got a Cert of Ins from Pixy so we can make sure there is ample coverage for the event at my house. We discussed a couple of other things which need attending to. So so much to do.

S is back in town condo shopping. We aren't meeting up and she is not staying here. Nevertheless I need to tidy up the guest room and wash sheets because Proggy wants to stay here this weekend.

I am really tired again. I have so much to do before 9AM. Doing my best, My Dad won't melt it if I am a little late.
 
Am at the end of what I will do tonight. There is a movie on featuring Humphrey Bogart called Tokyo Joe I have never heard of. So watching a bit of that as I drift off. Need to do laundry in the morning and find some help to get KDog in the car. My pain level it is a shift change. As long as the ribs stay in place I just need to stretch, strengthen and get massage and laser to help loosen and stimulate healing. It won't be long and I will be lifting KDog myself again.
 
Long and busy day, but at last am in bed in my Dad's guest bedroom.

Laundry (including spare bed sheets for Proggy), empty dishwasher, pack for me and KDog. Finish scanning blue docs for transport but not time to QC and so have the take them and my computer with. Handyman arrived just in time to put KDog in the car. On the road by 10, arrived Dad's at 11. Talked to my Aunt M on the way up. Unpacked, got KDog settled, went out to lunch. Made his favorite tuna macaroni salad. Took dogs for a little walk with his scooter. Went to the store for saline wound wash. Served dinner. Talked to the wife next door about the fence/survey/questions. She was decent about it and we both acknowledged we don't know the laws. I emailed a civic contact to try get a referral to an attorney who does. I will probably need a new survey. Talked with Proggy. Changed KDog's bandages. Took photos and sent them off to the vet, a bit concerned, and received reassurances. Finished QC and edited PDF's using some free online editors. Really Adobe, you want to charge me $15 monthly for software to delete a couple of extraneous pages out of PDFs? KDog messing with new bandages. Might have missed one or two things. Had a nice shower here, much nicer than my own. Did some stretching per the chiro/PT. Took a Xanax. Is that why my tinnitus ticked up? I liked seeing the hills and open spaces. The day was gorgeous, sunny, just a little warm, breezy. The air is more alive here. And full of pollen, my eyes hurt a little. I forgot to bring my goggles for chopping the onion. I saw a bald eagle on the drive up. It is nice spending time with dad. Good night, this girl is turning in, finally with all my tasks done and looking forward to a more relaxed, peaceful day tomorrow. There are two deliveries on my porch, I hope they are still there in the morning.
 
6PM Sat. Feeling depressed and anxious. As usual the time with my Dad has been simultaneously treasured and non-restful. It's a constant stream of going out to eat, cooking/serving, going to the store, taking care of dogs, and in this case cleaning a KDog pee accident out of the rug. Not yet having found a person to help load KDog in the car tomorrow. I would usually go for longer dog walks to get exercise. But I am so overweight it is getting harder to move. And I am just depleted. And KDog is dragging like she is not feeling well. At least she at a good dinner.

The foster dog NDog is coming tomorrow. I and my house are not ready. Then the tree guy just called and he wants to come Monday. I don't think all that noise is going to be good for NDog so I asked him to switch around if possible. I wrote Pixy that I decided not to take NDog over the concerns that longer walks/hikes could be too much for his foot. I feel like I am effing everything up right now.

A significant factor feeling drained is the constant background of the television. When I do get 15 minutes to sit down and rest, I have no quietude to relax in. I can't read, which I really had hoped to do. At least a sports playoff is on now, which is preferable to the ridiculous music of various sorts over which people talk with mostly fakeness or hysteria or fearmongering or some kind of over dramatized drama. I really don't care for today's kind of tv programming. But at least I can journal a bit to hockey.

And knowing that I come home tomorrow to a foster dog which may need a lot of adjustment and coaching, when I am lagging..when I don't have a plan for how to walk both dogs and then carry KDog up the front steps while her leg is healing...

Blah blah blah. Don't mind me. I know exactly what my problem is and how to fix it.

1. Eat clean
2. Exercise
3. Set aside quiet/restorative time
4. Take vitamins/supplements
5. Take a shower and brush my teeth
6. Be as kind to myself as I would to a stranger
 
Knowing and doing are two completely different things and doing is much harder. Or at least getting started is :grouphug:
 
Monday. Home yesterday. Funny moment when after all the anxiety around how I was going to get KDog into the car, after fetching a neighbor, she jumped in herself.

Picked up foster NDog and he is very easy and compliant so far. A bit of statuing on leash which I will have to work on. He likes the bunnies and squirrels but I think is less of a risk than DDog to jump over my 4' fence.

Tree guy is coming today unless rain. It will be a sad but probably sensible step in reclaiming my yard to be useful. I was chatting a neighbor last night as NDog was statuing down the block. The neighbor was digging out an old tree stump and planting a new tree. He made a recommendation for a hard scape landscaper, which I think is my next step.

Anxiety is present. All weekend it was how I was going to going to get KDog in the car in a specific time window which would allow me to get DDog in the car on time. I found this CBT workbook last night with exercises to identify the root thoughts behind anxiety and how to reframe your thoughts. I liked it and convinced myself to spend the money but then I thought that I would rather not have a book like that sitting around where someone could read it. I might try to recreate the content here .

After not being present in the current way for 6 months, it is rough to be dealing with anxiety again. Maybe it is dealing with the house/neighbors. Maybe it is just the physical state of being. I was super exhausted and I woke up with a cold sore this weekend. Maybe the fall triggered certain immune/inflammatory processes. Maybe it is diet, caffeine, whatever. I don't feel particularly like spending the morning in my journal is what I need to do today.

The basement stinks so I need to do something about the drains, apparently.

The front room stinks, so I need to replace the carpet padding.

My car stinks, so I need to get the dog beds out and wash the blankets.

I am gentle with myself about it all, since I just am getting over a major injury. 🙂👍
 
Fiera said:
I am gentle with myself about it all, since I just am getting over a major injury. 🙂👍
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Glad to hear you're being gentle with yourself. For me being exhausted can trigger anxiety, as if I'm always expending a baseline amount of energy on keeping it down and when I don't have that amount to spare it pops up like a turd in a jacuzzi.
 
Well I am no doubt feeling very tired today. I dozed off sitting up and luckily had set an alarm when I felt it coming on. A call a short while ago with the attorney who is also head of our civic association was informative and helpful. Yes it is my fence, even if it encroaches nominally in their yard. Just show them what I want to do and make sure the new fence is squarely on my own property. Still, the follow through required with the neighbors feels like an energy drain.

We have rain today so the tree service is coming tomorrow.

NDog is doing great. He is so quiet and gentle and is sleeping nicely.

KDog had a dressing change today. I was not real sure about the wound progress. Now the dressing has slipped down and I can see it better and it is also drying out a bit. It is OK but I need to redress it. I just need to rest a bit first.

Am pretty much leaving S adrift. She spent the night at a friend's out west. She responded to my check in yesterday with a litany of woe. I don't have a lot of sympathy for a person who ignored text alerts that there was a billing issue then got cut off suddenly. I feel bad for her that she creates and lives in such chaos on a daily basis, as I know that trauma and stress and anxiety can make daily life a living hell. But I am too busy and tired to offer much support right now, it's not even an active choice I am making, I am just surviving myself.

I made lunch of butternut squash nest pasta with sauce and seafood medley. And salad. But my body wanted more carbs I guess so I ended up having some almonds chocolate cranberries and a brie bite snack. Skipping coffee today and trying to do a 12-6 feeding window.

I bought another pack of cigarettes. Will try to avoid having any the rest of the day.

The basement drain was stinking. I ran some hot water down and left the door open for a couple of hours. Seems to have helped. Will try disinfectant when I mix some up to deal with the materials from the last transport.

NDogs socks don't seem to fit so I ordered a size up. I think they are supposed to be snug but these don't seem to stretch enough to get them on. May call the manufacturer.

So much clutter in the house.
 
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