Fiera's Diary

Wow. I am receiving a series of short videos quieting the mind. Today's topic is the inner dialog, perfectionism, and the running critical narrative about not being all that we think we should be. OK, you have my attention.

Well the speaker just said "our thoughts are a good servant, but they are not a good master." Boy, that resonated. How much time and energy I do spend feeling my inadequacies, feeling guilty or ashamed or incompetent. How do we shift the narrative? Am about to learn...
 
Ok it was short. They are teaser videos for a paid program on mindful awareness. Of course. The old Thursday night practice sessions and Sunday meditation group were good for this. Thursday nights I don't think meet any more and Sundays...well I joined it Sunday and the leader who I find offputting and egocentric was leading the session. I logged out after 5 minutes when she interrupted the traditional opening body awareness meditation with an impulsive little monologue about Mother's day....I in the past used to use my annoyance with her as an object for meditation, but I didn't have it in me Sunday when I was just seeking harmony and quietude of the spirit and mind. I like the other practice leader far better, she is humble and well suited to spiritual leadership.

Anyway however, this little video made me reflect on how valuable those practices were, and how some new tools and teachers might bring some equanimity back into my life.
 
Ha! The Thursday night group has moved but it is still meeting! I have it on my calendar! Good stuff! I like that group. It is primarily a mix of the teachings of Mingyur Rinpoche and Pema Chodron along with meditation which sometimes includes Sound Meditation. Plus the start time has shifted 1/2 hour earlier, which is great.
 
Almost 8AM. I slept in a little bit this morning, and as I stirred right at 7 NDog was on high alert letting me know that it was "time to go out!" "time for breakfast!". He is so adorable. He did not each much breakfast however, and I don't know if he doesn't care for his food or what else is going on, since he and KDog keep trying to access each others' bowls. I may try his dinner without the olewo carrots, and see if those are turning him off.

Last night I ordered a large exercise stroller designed for dogs. It also converts to a bike trailer. It is one way either KDog or NDog can get out to the preserves for longer than a mile for me, and I can get exercise, if I take to it. We will see. It's very pricey but there were none available used, and I think I could resell if for about 75% of what I paid in good condition if needed.

I also found myself looking at new SUV's but realized this morning that there might be a different solution to one of my annoyances, that the back seat doesn't lay flat. I might be able to remove the rear seat headrests. Will try that today. My car needs a good clean out anyway.

My anxiety is rising a little bit over the concrete guy coming today. The questions start spinning in my head...what is going on with the cracking and sinking? How do I know what is going on with the drains, how do we check? How do we know? What is the best means to manage the runoff coming from the neighbor? Etc etc. I am trying dissects it in my head, what exactly the root source is of the anxiety, It is really no longer about endless sums of money going in to fix a broken old run down house. Rather, it is fixing things right so that I don't have ongoing problems. Which I suppose is still tied to getting things right the first time so they don't have to be redone in the future.

All the relevant neighbors have commented on the tree removal. Most asked why. A couple said that it really opened up my yard. It is a major transition. I don't care what anyone thinks of course but I think a few are sad about it. From their nice shiny new built homes which were built on a teardown on every available square inch of property. Well, I will plant new trees because I can, and to improve my own view. Then they will all bitch about the leaves. lol.

Its funny in retrospect, I should have taken before photos before cutting the trees down. The two thin pines were more than twice the height of my tiny house, probably 70 feet. I should have asked the guy. They had grown so tall it was comical looking.

I feel like I am avoiding/blocking deeper emotional issues lately. It makes sense, I have just been in 6 weeks of recovery mode from a major injury. Life becomes more about survival. But now that things are somewhat normalizing I can take inventory.

I am tired almost all the time. It is surely from being sedentary and putting on weight and eating wrong things. Like craving sugary snacks. Last night I went downstairs and took 3 brownie bites out of the freezer (part of the stash for volunteers). I intentionally did not purchase bar chocolate at the store, then I went looking for chocolate in whatever form I could find it. Usually I can stay out of the downstairs freezer but the last week or so, I took scones out of if and now brownie bites.

Which leads me to the box diet. I need to pick a start day. If I start tomorrow, a Thursday, I would be done Monday. I will see Proggy this weekend, and we have a fundraiser to go to Saturday at a brewpub. Maybe I will wait until after the transport next Thursday. There rarely is a perfect time. I think this week though I am just trying to find myself after weeks of being broken. And it takes some energy to get everything done for the transport. And not have keto flu.

Decision made. I am going to make the anti-everything soup today. I am going to wean off coffee again. And cigarettes. I will start the 5 day after the transport. Next week I will work on depleting stores of food in the house, And the transport I will double down on getting all the leftovers out of here.
 
No coffee today, no caffeine beyond my bowl of matcha.

I did make the anti-everything soup, had a sort of brunch of 2 eggs, 1 thin toast w butter, and anti-everything soup.

Linner has been a JJ#2, chips, (on way home from KDog's massage); then clean out the fridge leftovers: 2 mushrooms prev cooked in a bit of butter, 1/2 avoc, 1/3c cooked spinach (evoo), and a bit of white meat chicken with parm cheese and taco sauce.

There were some licorice bites and a TJ square bar in there too.
 
Well, I had a broken but lengthy nights sleep. I think pollen is a primary reason I have been feeling esp. tired and retiring early. This morning and several times during the night I was ruminating on how to get the neighbor to fix the drainage problem he created (and is in denial about). The new sidewalk is going to cost about 4200. I don't want to have to replace it in a few years.

This reminds me of the expensive workbook I did not order that has a useful structure for working through issues causing anxiety. In life experience, I know that making a decision brings peace. Taking action brings empowerment. And improving my property bring me satisfaction and comfort. In fact, just like no longer drinking to excess brings a must more fulfilling life over all, no longer ruminating over things will be a life changer as well. What do I want today MORE than I want to worry about that stupid sidewalk? The answers often present themselves when a time crunch forces a decision. So, today I will tackle the dog rescue stuff early, to reduce the overall things causing stress. I will eat healthy and go take the dogs for an early walk before the heat of day. I don't know why my energy is so depleted but there is a concert I would like to go to later. It conflicts with meditation group but I think I can do both if I hurry up and get on a train after meditation group. I would even go so far as to say that if I have to choose, MG is the priority right now.

Peace of mind is so powerful. Clarity is my friend.

Pollen is not my friend lol. We are getting whacked for sure. Tree pollens, maple, birch and ash are all high. Probably another reason I like the desert.

I was out in the yard with the dogs for morning pees. NDog is so good, I am letting him off leash now (harness still on, short fence) and he makes no bother at all. He doesn't run (maybe due to his foot issue) which leaves my grass intact. KDog tried to engage him in play yesterday and he just preferred to lay down and enjoy the cool sunny goodness. Am not sure whether it's behavioral or he is just not willing to stress that foot. He walks around on it Ok and I tend to think if it was hurting he would show signs. In fact he picked up a pine needle in a paw the other day on a short walk and he immediately started limping on it. He is quite delicate. He would actually make a good dog for an older couple.

Anyway, I suspect this dog is already "home". I ordered a dog jogger/strolller/bike trailer which I can ostensibly use for KDog, but he might enjoy it too. Honestly if I knew how long KDog was going to live (crystal ball) the decision to keep NDog would be clearer. But the prosepect of having 2 dogs with limited mobility at the same time seems too much. For sure in winter I have to live somewhere without all the ice and snow.

Anyway my tablet battery is low and I need to go.
 
Here it's mostly grass pollen right now, as soon as the rains let up. Good to hear you're feeling a little more in control of things.
 
Today is going well. I have been doing some prep for the next transport. Moved the bagged and canned food into the basement. Thankfully Chewdog was out of the 40 pound bags and Pixy ordered 31 pounds, which is much more doable for me at present. Chewdog packs boxes by weight though, so the individual boxes were still 62 pounds. I dragged them all into my living room Tuesday off the porch. Weds I unpacked some of them and then this morning was the big push. I can't find my box cutter, so the boxes are all out in my back yard atm.

It was really good making all those trips up and down stairs, I needed a little workout,

Got the new hose nozzle installed; the plastic one which came with the hose was squeaking and annoying to both humans and dogs.

I forced myself to sit down and get out an updated email for volunteers and another couple signed up, which is making me feel a bit better about staff for meeting the transport. I think we have 5 now in addition to me and Pixy. We should have a few more but we can get it done if we need to. The holiday weekend is a factor we hadn't really planned on. LG may not be able to come bathe dogs, but her friend and neighbor AF will, and I can probably get our young helper involved. I am actually kind of looking forward to a transport with fewer overall people at my house. Less of a wedding and less noisy, more just "git er done".

Janey our super star volunteer who is on hiatus over a red line that got crossed, texted me to go for a walk today, I had already been on one, but told her we can meet at 2 and I will bring NDog. It will be nice to catch up with her.
 
Had a nice walk with Janey, her dog, and NDog. It was a very slow paced meander, and NDog took a longer walk with his bootie on and seemed to tolerate it Ok. 1.8 miles. I broke down the boxes earlier and put them out for recycling. I can say with satisfaction that this has been my most active day since before my injury. The weather was ideal. Plenty of fresh air and sunshine. I got my supplements parsed out for the next 2 weeks, which I have been slipping on lately,

I did pick up a ticket for the concert later and had been thinking I would just take an Uber. But I forgot about road construction. Adds time and cost. So maybe the train. I just want to get there quickly and easily and without more walking. Maybe I will perk up after a rest. I have about an hour then I have to scoot. Skipping the opener.
 
Topics w CB this morning were experiencing grief about L, and the difficult/high conflict woman on the rescue BOD.

Regarding AJ, her antagonistic behavior this morning I knew was not directed at me but rather at Pixy and control issues. I decided to not engage/escalate but Pixy bit on the withholding of info. I told CB that I don't want this to become another person like my work bully who triggers me. I don't want or need that in my life. But, as I pointed out, this is not the work situation where I feel have no choice to walk away. I have awareness, tools, and empowerment that I did not have then.

Regarding L, she recommended two things. First write him a letter on my feelings today, not going back and reading what I already wrote when I was spreading his ashes in Ireland. Second, write about the feelings of shame and regret I have about my behaviors during and post divorce. Some of them overlap, but not all. It was an important session. We also talked about dating, which I don't feel open to right now, and what I would want and need from a partner. I could write about that also. All of this I feel are good topics to spend some time with.

I noticed last night after two relatively quiet and good days that my itching started up again. Starting to wonder if it has to do with peanuts, as I had a couple of tablespoons to fill in my energy/food gap before I left for the concert.

I feel quiet now. Not calm, just a bit like disengaging from life. Well, I can spare a bit of time but the fence contractor is coming in a few hours. I feel a mild desire to have a drink and check out, but I won't of course. Just noticing. I guess I am a bit emotionally stirred up atm.
 
Lunch was anti-everything soup plus a small green salad with the italian restaurant dressing. Still quietly bubbling under. Some anxiety about the fence. A fence. A freaking fence! i guess situated as I am, it is natural to have concerns and questions. But not anxiety. If I make a list of my questions will that quell it for now? I just want to be done with today and check out and lay down. So I will try to get myself to go take the dogs for a walk. I got mud all over my shoes this morning when it started sprinkling and I cut through the area where the tree roots were removed.
 
Oh geez. The fence guy was here. Nothing is ever straightforward. After talking with him the things I need to first have addressed are:
- locate the gas line in the front, as the new gas meter location may mean they can't place the fence post where the old one was in front
- have the yard regrading done
- hire a landscaping firm to cut out - roots and all - growth in and around and through the fence (lots of old 'weed tree' stumps
- get some feedback on staining and sealing, frequency, and what to do in the case of the section adjoining neighbor where I will not have access to it from my side
- resolve the propety line issues and note that the fence depth will be thicker substantially than what is up currently

That is in addition to picking the style of fence etc, width of gates, where to put an expansion gate so that future landscaping is not in the way.

By the time he left I felt deflated and overwhelmed.

The PVC will be less maintenance but the only look I like is a woodgrain look, and that does not come in white.

So, for now, this day can truly "suck it".

It would be easier to move.
 
I am sitting here trying to regain balance and not go off eating things which will make me not feel well later. Like classic pizza or a nice big Italian Beef sandwich.

I'm actually not even hungry so I know it's just a soothing thing.

What else would be soothing? A nice bath? Not until I get the support beam inspected. A movie? Yes, perhaps. A nice walk with the dogs? Maybe, but not feeling like it right now. Wah wah wah. Poor me. I'll get over it.
 
Talked w Proggy a bit. Now taking out my existential angst on a bowl of artichoke hearts w pink sea salt, some fried tofu with ginger dressing and soy, and a piece of swiss cheese. Also a ginger mocktail.

Hockey is on in an hour. I just stared away some noisy kids horsing around with a plunger in a puddle next to my house...they scrammed, they certainly swiped it from the job site on the corner. I just wanted them to know they were being watched and it had the desired effect. Skeddaddled. Mean crazy old lady right?

Mud has been a factor today, as we had showers this morning and a couple of areas of the yard where the tree roots were ground out are muddy.

I wonder if the fact that I got quite a bit of exercise yesterday opened up my emotional channels and that is why seem so emotionally turbulent starting with my walk with Janey yesterday when the topic of the vacation homes in BC evoked sudden sadness over memories some of the best things about my marriage to L.

At least I let the situation alone with the dogs and the e-mails today pass. There is too much to do.
 
An all beef hot dog and 3 Brownie bites.
2 string cheese sticks.
Popcorn
 
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I had just dropped another chunk of money on a second pop up crate for NDog. Kinda feeling like he just fits in here. Then an email popped up from the adoption coordinator that she has a prospective home and they are planning to offer NDog to them tomorrow evening. I just don't know. He is fitting in here so well. He is so easy. He is gentle and he is smaller which is great. I don't think it will be very easy to find another dog like this. But I need to obviously decide by the morning. I'm sure that email was putting me on notice,
 
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