Fiera's Diary

His gentleness will probably help him fit in most places. Ideally with people who have no desire to walk longer distances and travel abroad. Could it be that the emotional turbulence and house anxiety are making you look for something steadying, like the love of a new pet?
 
His gentleness will probably help him fit in most places. Ideally with people who have no desire to walk longer distances and travel abroad. Could it be that the emotional turbulence and house anxiety are making you look for something steadying, like the love of a new pet?
It's a fair comment. But I have been thinking of adding another dog for some time. KDog is getting old. I will be desperate when she dies. I don't think I can live without a dog. My house is too empty, I feel too alone. I do dread when she loses her mobility...for now she is fighting to keep it.

I had been hoping to get to Ireland and Iceland this year. A strong argument against having a second dog is of course the challenges boarding a pair when I do travel. KDog has some special needs.

NDog's smaller stature and gentle nature would make it easier to slot him in somewhere when I do travel. He will make an awesome roadtripping dog and will settle just about anywhere. Plus, he is vocal, alerting when something is worthy of attention. Sigh, Being a foster, you are in a unique position to see the qualities of a dog before you commit, This one has a lot going for him.

Pixy would tell me there is always another dog. And there is. And I would love him just as much. But this one is here today and is such an easy, cuddly, wonderful dog. i mean, I already bought a jogger stroller (which has not yet arrived) and expensive socks and booties and just ordered a second soft crate. Why would I have done all this if I wasn't willing to do whatever I needed to keep this dog?
 
Thanks LaMa and Cate. 🙂

Well, Proggy and I had a nice time with NDog yesterday at the fundraiser event. It is held at a microbrewery outdoors. With a perfect day there was a nice turnout. Pixy attended as did the difficult woman, Magpie, and Jen and the nail girl. A young couple who regularly attend the transports was also there. I got asked to speak briefly and afterwards thought of what I would have said if Ihad a chance to prepare. Missed opportunity to plug for fundraising and thank volunteers. Oh well. I guess I need to get an elevator speech together in case there is a next time.

I just got done playing another game of "I want whats in YOUR bowl". KDog has king been tired of her restrictive diet and NDog doesn't really enjoy the program kibble he is on. So KDog has long known "go to your OWN bowl" but then she stands at it and looks like she is any moment going to head back to the other side of the kitchen. And NDog keeps trying to squeak through over to hers. Well kiddies, a couple of minutes of that before I have even sat down with my matcha is enough for me, Everyone's bowl got taken away and now they can sit for an hour and think about how hungry they are. My house my rules. We will try again a bit later.

Proggy appears to be stirring very early but not surprising as we both conked out early. He sat in the sun drinking beer for 3 hours (NDog and I sought shade) and hang out with a nice guy who was there solo. After we got home and fed the dogs we had had enough rest to venture back out and have dinner and another beer at the gastropub 3 blocks away. It's a nice treat for me to have a beer with dinner and not worry about driving home. The we watched a thrilling hockey game which went into 2OT and dozed off watching an episode of Star Trek. I moved to the recliner and at some point he moved off the couch and went to the bedroom to sleep. It was really a Good Day in terms just enjoying life. Very satisfying.

We received an email that there was a mix up on the transport and one of the dogs may not have the required paperwork in time to travel. We were offered a substitute but the dog sounds a bit wild and big and Pixy turned it down. So it will be down to the wire on whether SC makes it.

I am going to an open house this morning on the next block. The house seems to be in better condition than my own and has a small apartment on top which I could potentially rent to Proggy. I want to see how it is set up and what kind of condition things are in. It has a side drive which I don't prefer, and that comes with things like wasted yard space and a pain in the butt for snow removal. But it also might be a fresh start without having to deal with some of the things I need to invest in my current home to make it more liveable. 17 grand just to put a nice new cedar fence in for example. Ha.

Well, there is nothing like going to an open house to help you see the pros and cons of your own house!

I would love for someone to explain to me how to keep my windows clean. They get dirty so quickly. My guess is that it is being in a flight path to the airport. It's actually a nice day so maybe I will at least wash the ones in the den and the ones to the basement before the next transport. Oh yeah, I also need to take care of some other things before the next transport. Well - do it on a sunny pleasant day.

Boy, we have lucked out with the weather this spring. Finally. After a couple of years of going from rainy cold to blazing summer. My irises and columbines are blooming right now and they are gorgeous. Yes, some yard work is in order today.

Ta Ta for Now.
 
Weight 177.7
Too much salt yesterday (and 2 beers) = slight tinnitus uptick
Overall feeling very happy about reconnecting with the physical me and also very grateful for the mild sunny weather
 
Just thinking about how much better I would feel at 148 and at 138 how I look and feel great and my clothes fit. Not going to get there if I don't work for it and make it a priority. But also not going to have my entire life revolve around it.
 
Took the dogs for a walk around the hood this morning. The farmers market was going on. Met Irene and Hal from the cultural center. They mentioned the woman who runs the place, who I know from the dog rescue. Very pleasant chat. NDog was a little shy and indifferent about meeting people. Another indicator what he may be a better fit elsewhere, as I really enjoy having a social dog who wants to go out and about exploring. Makes the decision easier.

Proggy went off to church, then we are going to the open house and I am going to color Proggy's hair. We are both enjoying each other's company this weekend. Maybe the good weather so we can enjoy the things we like to do together. I might make a firepit tonight, the winds are only a gentle breeze and once the sun starts to set it will be perfect time and temp to sit out in the yard.

We are making plans for July 4 weekend. There is a music fest at an indoor/outdoor venue, which we had a nice time at last year. We can even take a train to get there if I want to have a few beers, though they do serve NA beer which is probably the direction I will go. Esp if we head out of town the next morning which is our plan at this point.

I feel content and peaceful right now. We turned on some music this morning and I still have it quietly playing. Life is good. Tomorrow I work on the next transport but today is a nice respite. It does help that I have several of these events under my belt and intuitively know now what supplies and things I need.
 
Well I need to make a decision on that house. I found I couldn't get my thoughts in order yesterday without gettin grounded in my financial position. Ihad more than two months worth of related paperwork and transactions to reconcile. I ended up too tired to think straight so I will start there this morning. It probably would be a good investment as it has an apartment upstairs which Proggy could rent, that would pay the taxes. And it is not in need of as much work, though there are some things which I would like a home inspector to look at.

I need to get up and feed the dogs. I let NDog out and then laid back down on the couch. He is letting me get away with it.

I wrote Pixy and Magpie and told them to go ahead and offer NDog up for adoption. The tipping point was seeing him being hesitant to meet people at the farmers market yesterday. He just doesn't have the outgoing people-loving personality that would make it fun for him to be out and about as a regular companion for me. He didn't hate it. But he didn't love it either.

I'd better get going.
 
The other house sounds really interesting & hopefully is structurally sound. I love taking my little dog out as he loves it too. I think you have made the right decision. You will know when a dog is just right for you.
 
I couldn't get to "yes" on that house and maybe I will regret it later. I started looking at vacation homes in a nearby state instead. I loved going out to my Dad's yesterday and seeing green things and farm fields and varied terrain. Maybe I just need a vacation. I am just remembering how easy it was to jump in the car and get away when L and I had a small simple place to call our own. When you have a place that already has the dog beds and bowls and you just throw some clean clothes in a bag and drive. Of course, there were 2 of us to do the chores. His mom paid some of the expenses (taxes, insurance, lawn service) and we just paid the utilities. It was a low maintenance house. It had its occasional projects but boy did we have it good. It's not just that, but L was the kind of person who had an active mind and personality, and was very flexible, so he was just easier than Proggy. L and I used to dream about retiring "up there" in a house on the bluff overlooking the water. Sadly, that area has slacked in popularity so the amenities have died out and the local town has become a ghost town. But we made a lot of good memories there.

I have really been missing him lately. It is nice however that Proggy has stepped it up a bit. And if I can get contacts in, Proggy and I will have a bike riding weekend.

The dogs were a bit chillly this morning before sunup so I covered them both with light blankets. It's nice to see that NDog, after initially reacting suspiciously, is now cozily stretched out on his side. The sun has just come up over neighboring houses and trees so the den will be warm in no time. It will be warmer today, so we need to go for a walk early, like around 9.

Yesterday I drove out to my Dad's to watch hockey and pick up leash kits for the incoming pups from A's house. I have this routine kindof down now. Leave my place around 4:45, stop by her house 5:30, hit the JJ drive through for dinner, then eat on the remainder of the drive to my Dad's. I get to my Dad's around 6, have accomplished a pickup for the transport which saves a long meetup, and I have a couple hour with my dad which doesn't require me to stay overnight, packing and bringing the dogs. It feels like relative freedom, honestly, in a life which has been largely constrained by the dogs. Well, a second pop up crate is on the way for NDog, or his future replacement, making it far more transportable.

Wait. Did I just run out of things to say? That never happens lol.
 
Are you and Proggy at a point where you would want him around all the time again?
No. But if I had a 2 flat I would rent the unit to him and he would be interested in doing that. I need my own space. And my current house only has 2BR so I don't want him staying in the 2nd BR all the time. We are just friends.

But I would say that I am starting to miss having a boyfriend/partner in my life. It's just that dating is such a nightmare I really have no appetite for it. And I would need to be in far better shape to feel attractive or like getting naked for someone.
 
I am feeling lazy. I have things to do, and I need to beat the heat (which is already pounding down at 8AM). But I just don't feel like being physically active right now. I guess I will start out by getting the email out to the volunteers/fosters. And then work on the rest of the financial stuff. Tomorrow will be cooler.

...

OK I just took a little break and rearranged the furniture in the back room partially. I need a different configuration for the warmer weather as I had NDog's crate directly in front of the wall AC unit. Now I just need to find a place for the too large (at present) wooden side table which came with my coffee table. I have considered putting central AC in this house but without a commitment to dormer out the attic, it seems a silly investment to spend the $25K. It's an old house with a boiler system and no ducts, so it would need new electrical, new space pak type tubes, and you have to rip up the attic floor to lay in the tubes plus insulation. The new fence quote was $17K. I think the fence is probably the better investment right now. And I need masonry work etc.

It was nice however looking at remodeled homes and considering how it would be to simply have a space to exist in which does not need all the work.
 
Transports are en route! Running 30 minutes early right now but we will see how it comes out by the time they arrive. It's a nice day for it, I think it will be 57 and sunny.

I am less organized than I usually am on transport day. I don't really care. There is not so much that can go wrong on a nice weather day. Of course, stuff happens when you least expect it. I wish it always was not working out to be on the same day that the cleaning lady comes, It's an extra layer of scurry and distraction in the morning. She likes to come in and regale me with tales of woe when I am trying to concentrate. Also, I have to hurry up and take a shower, put away dishes and projects etc in a hurry. Gah. Well, I still intend to take the next 20 for matcha/journal.

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Well that was funny. KDog saw I was settled and decided it was the perfect time to get up and go out and eat breakfast. So...I have 5 minutes now. lol. It's a great life. It's a great day. I am happy, just under caffeinated.

I did watch a movie last night (Anatomy of a Murder) and I read quite a bit yesterday morning (Grapes of Wrath). Boy if you ever want to think about how hard life really was for people (and is in the vast majority of cases), read that book. It illustrates the destructive nature of capitalism, the I versus the We, the fears of those who "have". It is a provacative read on its own, but also a flashlight on the dynamics between AN and I...AN who has become more entrenched in socialism over the years, as well as my fears in hanging on to the security I worked so hard for. There is no answer to why I thought of this book one day, or why it appeared in thr free library down the block not long thereafter. But it came into my life in a time and context which is very provocative and may offer some insight and healing. It certainly shows that I am not alone in my fears, and it certainly shows that AN and I are irretrievably on the two sides of humanity depicted in the book. Sad but not sorry. And though there are 100 plus pages left, I feel I already know how it ends.
 
Yay, another intake completed. My legs were so unused to all the activity esp. at the heavier weight and in rugged boots that I was pretty stiff and unable to walk this morning. One lady who lives closer to the transport depot talked about hosting. This is before she saw what is involved. If she is serious after seeing it all last night then we will explore it. I told her we can't just move it around month to month due to all the supplies etc involved, we would probably ask for a 6 month commitment. Would be kind of surprised but it would certainly be easier for me to not both be the coordinator AND the hostess. Much easier.

I just rotated loads of towels. Am delaying finishing up the recyclables trash etc until the woman gets back to me. Maybe she will want to come help. The day is bright and sunny and though we started with a chill it is warming up fast. I got the mass email thank you note out and the photo repository set up. Individual thank you notes later.

Proggy is set to come up tomorrow. Neither one of us realized until a few days ago that it was the holiday weekend. Then he surprised me with 'I have Tuesday off too'. Then he is feeling depressed because he finally has time off - a four day weekend - and no plans, and I don't have the bandwidth to discuss or make plans with him. Too bad. He is not a planner and it is one of the drawbacks of Proggy. He is a dreamer, and since he is not a planner he rarely ever is a "doer". Whelp, I don't have much to say about that.

My legs hurt.

I have CB in a bit. I am getting sleepy since NDog woke me up at 5 and also because I had pizza and wafer cookies for breakfast. Duh.

OK gotta go.
 
Why don't Iove myself? I mean this physical self, this vessel which enables the mind, body, and spirit? Why don't I want to LIVE enough that I can trade off pizza today for fitness and travel and adventure tomorrow? Why? Have I given up? Is it out of reach? Do I not believe in prospects for happiness and fulfillment any more? Has what I want changed? Am I sabotaging myself? Is this Depression?

No answers, only questions. It's a perfectly nice day, as it has been for the past week, and I can't even bring myself to take the dogs for a walk.

Maybe it's cheese.
 
I got some sleep last night and am feeling somewhat rested. Motivation to get out and move on this fine day is still lacking. Not really looking forward to Proggy's arrival later as he is in a funk over another round of layoffs at work and it can be draining to try to emotionally bolster someone else when you yourself need replenishment. Here is hoping we can find a way to lift each other up. Hoping to get on our bikes tomorrow. Am setting up the doggie stroller today and ran into an assembly question. I need to take care of the dog bedding but I got the paperwork scanned and uploaded this morning. Most of the laundry is washed and just needs putting away. It would be a treat to sleep in my bed tonight. The second dog soft crate arrived for NDog so we can take them both on the road now if we want.

Life is good. I know if I start to take better care of my body then then the results will follow for my mind. CB mentioned dysthymia. Perhaps. I think it's a gut biome thing. Eating cheese pizza and other leftovers from the transport is done. Now back to business. Cleaning up the house (laundry, bedding), car (dog supplies, dog bedding), making my to do list, making decisions, going for a walk and taking a shower will all put me into a more lighthearted state of being.
 
"Life is good. I know if I start to take better care of my body then then the results will follow for my mind."
It really does make a difference. I hope you & Proggy do lift one another up & that you have an enjoyable Sunday.
 
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