Fiera's Diary

Cate

Long-term member.
Guess that will be a perk if I can drop a few dozen pounds....
It sounds like you haven't convinced yourself that you can do this. I know how that feels as I have been feeling that for a year or so. You can do this, hon. Start believing you can & take one day at a time. Don't eat your feelings. Eat your way back to being slim & healthy. We can do this. It's not easy but will be worth it.
It's good that you found an outfit you felt comfortable in. I bought some bigger clothes to get me through our summer so that I felt better about myself & now I feel inspired to knuckle down.
 

Fiera

Active member
Today is going pretty well so far.

Took KDog for longest walk in 6 months, a 5K. It turned out to be too long for her and the last 0.8 or so she was spent. But this is her perfect weather so we had to try. We went through the cougar area and beyond.

I considered and rejected getting a steak burrito as I was close to a good place we sometimes take out from. I would have maybe been ok for brunch if I could just eat half, but the way I have been going lately I couldn't have confidence that I wouldn't eat the other half. So I skipped it. That was pretty mindful of me!

So instead I came home from the walk and had a mindful late breakfast. I still wanted more to eat. I have a steak in the fridge which needs to be cooked. I probably would have made it if it wasn't too windy to use the grill. So I put it back.

I pushed back on Proggy during our walk and finally he decided he would look into going to see a movie and see where we could get a matinee price. I am pretty sure he hasn't done it. He sent me an audio clip of a guitar riff he was working on about an hour ago. He is not a bad guy. He just really isn't on his game right now and I probably am not helping.

I took some of my frustrations out by getting out the leaf vac and spending abiut an hour. I only stopped because the thing conked out and I had to do diagnostics, and then I decided to wrap it up for the day. Amazing that it got my brain away from thinking that I 'needed' more breakfast/lunch to eat.
 

Fiera

Active member
It sounds like you haven't convinced yourself that you can do this. I know how that feels as I have been feeling that for a year or so. You can do this, hon. Start believing you can & take one day at a time. Don't eat your feelings. Eat your way back to being slim & healthy. We can do this. It's not easy but will be worth it.
Cate, intellectually I know that I am capable of doing it. But seeing my resolve disintegrate so often in the evenings, makes me wonder if I am truly committed enough to overcome. However I am just at the beginning of this new effort and it may just be that I need to learn tools and techniques which work for me...not unlike my pottery journey. 🙂 I'm open. I hope I can do this. Seeing any kind of a downturn on the scale will be a sign of progress.
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 9 Accountability
B/L: Raisn Brd (100) Poached Egg (70), Salmon (50) Tiny salad (30) = 250 12:30P
D: 0.8 Stk Burrito (1000), Pico/Chips/Rice/Beans (200) = 1200 5:45P
Total: 1450
Activity: 3.1DW (185) 1H Easy Leaves (80) 0:8W (45) = -310
Net = 1140
M/S: 10A; 6P
Sleep: Not sure; probably around 7 w small donut hole
 
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Fiera

Active member
Happy Thansgiving to all here in the States! It is great to wake up feeling an extra burst of gratitude for the people and things that I do have.

Woo hoo yesterday was much better. I had a huge dinner but was -15NET at that point and I knew I could enjoy that meal without reservation. Although - restraining and exercising your way to a no holds barred old favorite should probably be done infrequently for someone with a history of binging.

Proggy and I picked up Mexican and later walked around LS shopping district under the holiday lights. He got hot chocolate twice and I had nothing. It felt good to exercise some restraint. The usual tv/movies/doze off followed.

I am not going to the Turkey Trot. I am at peace with it. I tried jogging even a little bit yesterday and my knees couldn't take it. I can take a walk in the woods where it is less windy. Maybe Proggy will come. He won't do a longer walk but maybe we can take KDog for a two miler.

I am looking forward to turkey and stuffing dinner. I love Thanksgiving dinner. It's hard to get a very accurate calorie count when you don't know what is in the food, but planning ahead: Plenty of turkey and a generous serving of stuffing. Load up on green beans or corn (hope they have it without butter). Take tablespoon sized samples of cranberry and 1 casserole. Skip bread and potatoes. If they have pumpkin pie for dessert have a small piece - no other dessert is worth it. That's kind of a plan.

We can also have egg white omelets for breakfast today with a bit of salad to keep calories down and protein up.

Remember, F, portion control is the key to having the things you want! Slow down and really savor them!
 
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Fiera

Active member
Day 10 Thanksgiving Accountability
B: Egg-Bac-Muff (arose by self obligated to cook/feed Proggy) = 350 10:15A
Thxgvg D: Turkey(100) Stuffing (350) Green Bns (150) Sweet Pot Cass (300) Salad (30) Cake (200) = 1150
Snacks 12 oz Witz (150), Popcorn (50), 2 Triscuits (45), Brie (70), Tort Chips (60) PB (120)= 505
Total: 2005
Activity: 1DW (60)
NET: 1945
M/S: 12:20P (oops) 6:30P
Sleep: 11-7 with 3 brief wake ups
 
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Llama

Well-known member
Good thinking trying a jog before going to the Turkey trot. You´ll be there at full strength next year; no need to hurt yourself this year. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner!
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Well done on a better day. Showing some restraint feels so good afterwards. I hope you really enjoy the Thanksgiving dinner :)
 

Fiera

Active member
Having a plan ahead of time was key to my success at Thanksgiving at only 1500IN through the meal and dessert. I thought I was done for the day. I was a bit disappointed that I practiced restraint all day only to give it up on some foods I didn't even really desire after we got home for good around 8:30 or so. The set off was Proggy wanting popcon, and while I was firm that I didn't want any, I had a little bit of it (with butter) out of Proggys bowl while sitting on the couch together and that set me off looking for more nibbles.

Watch out for the boyfriend snacking trigger. The Boyfriend Effect. The Couch Cave-In. The TV Trash Mouth. Just stop snacking + watching the tube. I hate that our relationship has devolved into this.
 
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Fiera

Active member
Day 11 Accountability
B: Raisin Toast (100), Spread (35), Bcn (120) = 255 9:45
L: Clam Chwdr (170) Fr Roll (195) Rav (200) Marin (60) = 625 :( 2P
D: Hot Dogs (220) Tortillas (200) Cheese (140) Sauce (35) = 595 7P
Total: 1475
Activity: 0.9DW (-55)
NET: 1420
M/S: 8A? 3:45P
Sleep: Roughly 11-7

Oops. I thought I had 6 left for dinner and it should have been 400.
 
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Cate

Long-term member.
It's a shame that you & your BF don't seem to be on the same page. That makes it so much harder. It's interesting that you say it's a devolving relationship, rather than an evolving one. Is he supportive in other ways? It feels like I'm prying & that is rude, but I know how important it is to me to have a supportive partner & I know I'm lucky in that respect. I guess, I want that for everyone :blush5:
 

Fiera

Active member
I was sad much of yesterday. Spending time w Proggys family to support him weighed heavily as for me as Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, time of chosen family and belonging, and I seem to be more distant from people who I could picture having in my life for years to come. This caused me to reflect on the lost precious time in life making bad choices or spending time with the wrong people. Layering in to that, sadness about my brother's detachment, the anniversary of bg deciding to exit our friendship, feeling trapped in my relationship.

Proggy went digging around and I had to avoid saying what I desperately wanted to say, and it was all just emotionally hard. I woke up sad again today but I had a good cry during my therapy session and felt somewhat better with the release.

I told him today that I felt like we were just trying to fill time. Nothing on the calendar. No mutual projects. Just getting thru a meal, cleaning up, figuring out what to do next, and all with the added bonus of him really not bring game for cold weather outdoor activity, and not very interested in spending any money on indoor activity. If I suggest reading or a board game it always gets skipped over for watching a movie. I know he is depressed, but I feel like it's bringing me down to a degree that I am not handling well/behaving well.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I'm sorry that your relationship is getting you down. I'm also glad that therapy helped you. I really hope you can change it around :grouphug:
 

Fiera

Active member
I'm sorry that your relationship is getting you down. I'm also glad that therapy helped you. I really hope you can change it around :grouphug:
Cate, I really appreciate your support. It's sad because I like Proggy as a human being and he is generally a supportive and good person. But this quiet desperation feels so much like the end of my marriage for some very similar reasons. I have to be true to myself and live my life fully. I really would like to have a life partner but I need one who I can do things with and share responsibilities, costs, etc with. Its not fair to either one of us to continue on without moving in a direction. But the discussion just has to wait until he has a job and is on solid footing.
 

Fiera

Active member
I am going to take a small "mental" NSV here

I have tracked consistently for 11 days.
I have greatly increased my attention to what I am eating
I have arrested the prolonged upward weight trend
I am getting exercise in more often
I enjoy not feeling bloated
Calorie/portion management is becoming part of my everyday language
I feel progress towards loosening the grip of food compulsion/addiction

Proggy went home tonight which means I have space to think and breathe and relax. I am going to curl up with a book.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Dealing with a depressed partner is so hard and I'm sorry that is your reality. I hope he's getting treatment.
But the discussion just has to wait until he has a job and is on solid footing.
That sounds like the classic example of secondary benefits to illness (the exact one we got was not breaking off contact with an ex or not kicking them out until they were well again). Even if everyone means well it greatly reduces the chance of healing. Not saying that is the case for you and your partner, just adding some information from my job.

Those are some great non-scale victories!
 

Fiera

Active member
Dealing with a depressed partner is so hard and I'm sorry that is your reality. I hope he's getting treatment.

That sounds like the classic example of secondary benefits to illness (the exact one we got was not breaking off contact with an ex or not kicking them out until they were well again). Even if everyone means well it greatly reduces the chance of healing. Not saying that is the case for you and your partner, just adding some information from my job.

Those are some great non-scale victories!
Hi LaMa. I appreciate that feedback and it provoked some good reflection. I had prepared a reply but decided to keep those thoughts private at least for now.

Have spent a lot of time on the phone this morning (S, Proggy, tried to call my brother) and noodling on this; it's almost Noon and time to get busy!
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 12 Accountability
B: Egg+White (87); Bacon (60); 12-Grain (100) = 247 10A
L: Burger 1/3lb (380), bun (190), grilled onions, ketchup, pickle, lettuce (50) = 620 2P
D: Clean-out-the-fridge salad greens/tom/pepp (30) croutons (35) chix 3 oz (150), bacon (30) egg (70) bolths honey must (50) = 365 5:30P
Snack: Almonds (85) Dark Choc (62) = 147 6:48P
Snack: Popcorn (400) 7:30P
Snack: Leftover Popcorn (170)
Total: 1949
Activity: Pumpkin Toss (-60)
NET: 1889
M/S: 9:30A
Sleep: 10-11, 2-8 = 9H?

That burger was planned and worth it. No sides no cheese no mayo.

I succombed to the binge snacking while watching movie on the couch. No Proggy involved this time. Its a bad bad habit and I need to stay busy in the evenings.
 
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Fiera

Active member
Hot and Cold
Yesterday I noticed that it has been at least several days - and maybe a week or more - since I have had a hot flash. The past two night instead later in the evening I had a cold spell where I could not get warm for at least an hour in spite of the room temp being 74, being wrapped in a blanket, and huddling next to the radiator Thurs night. I also have for almost a week now been having PMS symptoms with no period yet. It may be hormones. I also wondered if there was any connection to the med I started 3 weeks ago, because in the past I felt that going on it messed with my periods. But it looks like a connection has been investigated and scientifically there has been no connection to the med and temperature experience in women. I will take being cold for an hour over having hot flashes if given a choice, so not really complaining. Just noting in the journal.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I had prepared a reply but decided to keep those thoughts private at least for now.
I can't count the number of times I wrote a detailed post here only to delete it. But just writing things out in full srntences sometimes helps me to tidy my brain and answer my own questions. Oh, and never feel bad telling me to mind my own business if necessary.

That's interesting about the hot/cold sensation. I generally run hot. That's in part because I can't sit still and in part because I have some extra insulation but in part it also depends on what I eat. Of course the thermic effect of food means I feel warmer when I eat more calories but I feel like on top of that I glow more when I eat more processed food. Could be inflammation, could be imagination. And your med effect could be placebo or it could be that this specific effect only happens in rare cases. The human body is weird and fascinating.
 
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