Fiera's Diary

Fiera

Active member
Noticing some craving trends afternoon into evening. Watching a movie in the couch is probably a factor. It's cold and I considered going out to a movie and dismissed it. I can see that I need to stay more occupied in the evenings. I will get this figured out. I seem to mind going out in the cold a lot more, I think not fitting into jeans or other coats and gear is one factor. I feel more relaxed with my own space.
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 13 Accountability
B/L Egg and cheese/french (87) (75) (90) = 252 12P
L: -
D: Salad (70) Pizza (1500) Tiramisu (420) = 1970 5:30P
LN Snack: Pizza (600)
Total: 2822
Activity: 2.0DW (120)
Net: 2702
M/S: 11A; 4:30P
Sleep: 11-4:30, 5:30-8:30 8:5ish

Wow wow wow....
 
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Fiera

Active member
Last night was Sat night. Proggy was at his home since Friday afternoon and the sweet serenity of being free to do what I want, when I want, without the universe revolving around making sure we have meals/groceries, is so soothing. Still, and late fall grey weather is having some influnce, I am free to do what I want, but I don't do much at all - yet. I think I am finally, after two years of pandemic and ever-present Proggy, of house problems and "technology challenges" starting to experience what retirement is like. I have been waiting for this sensation to arise, the sensation that I am bored and just passing time. I knew when I hit this point, and not before, that I would want to start looking for an occupation again. Not so much for the income, although that would help, but to be connected to the world and to people in some meaningful way. I will observe thoughts and feelings as December progresses and as I take inventory heading into the New Year.

I am so incredibly grateful to be able to sleep a full night without house terrors. I am grateful that my technology is secure, that Kdog is still doing decently for an old lady, that Proggy is giving me more space in spite of his own suffering, that my friend S checked up on me yesterday.

In light of the new Omicron variant, I am hesitant to go on the planned trip to stay w my dad for a week while Peaches visits her brood. I have been very cautious this entire time. Problem is, neither of them agree with me nor do her brood. So it's like 12 to 1. I have an N95 mask for the plane. Maybe I should invest in a face shield also. My dad expects to dine out all the time as dining and shopping are his main forms of recreation so I will have to get creative with that. All in a state which prioritizes tourism over public safety. We don't know much about Omicron yet and it's possible it may produce milder symptoms even though it spreads more easily. Unfortunately they are not like to know much more before the scheduled trip. For now, I just assume that it is on, but we also have to determine soon whether Proggy will come down.
 

Fiera

Active member
Do you have an occupation plan for this evening?
That is an excellent question. I will be at Proggy's so there is less of my little grazing snacking (nuts, bit of chocolate) but more risk of a major evening snack involving dinner leftovers if he goes there. He doesn't eat enough at meals and then goes rummaging around for snacks.

Will have dinner around 6, not too early. It will likely be an evening of movie/tv watching again. If we go out and find live music we will end up having a beer - which is somewhat better than eating a bunch of pizza on the couch or something.

When that snack impulse kicks in I will take Kdog for a walk, since it will be milder out. Hopefully a brisk 20 min dog walk will break the crave.

I will bring some sliced veggies since I need to clean out my fridge anyway. Those with a small amount of ranch dip would be an OK snack.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds like a decent plan. You can do this!

Waiting until the stress goes down enough to WANT to do something again in retirement sounds like an excellent idea.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thanks LaMa. I appreciate the prompt be planful. :)

I used to say that I was planning for a "gap year" after retirement but that I suspected it would only take 6 months before I'd be ready for something. I knew that it would take time to detox and heal from a toxic work environment which affected me for a prolonged time. But then some things happened within a few weeks after my retirement date which sent me into a full blown anxiety crisis for most of 2020 and it has been gradually tapering in 2021. I believe that pre-menopause hormones have also been involved. Now that I appear to be skipping periods maybe the worst is over (knock on wood). My mom died a long time ago and I was too young to know to ask her about her experience through menopause.

Proggy seems to be paying attention to how much I am hating the "what's for dinner" question. We are locked in on what's for dinner (thin crust pizza and salad). I am heading to his house for a couple of days so I have baked chicken for KDog and will take her for a walk before starting to pack. There is a bed I want to pick up for her at the store that hopefully Proggy will agree to keep at his house going forward to reduce my lugging so much stuff around when I visit (he has resisted in the past). I need things to be easier.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I hope you can make things easier for yourself. It's hard when things feel in flux. It took me a while to adjust when we sold our business & I threw myself into a totally different job that ended up being quite stressful. It probably took me about 5 years to totally adjust to retiring. Taking up a sport is good.
 

Fiera

Active member
Ok. I need to write about this. (*Warning - it's a detailed account of a binge*)

I had a small breakfast and no lunch so I could enjoy pizza and salad with Proggy. But he called to say he wasn't feeling well. I had pizza and salad on the brain so I decided to get it from a delicious small business pizzeria near my home. I was riding a wave of emotional release since I had more time to do pack and do laundry etc and can head to Proggys tomorrow morning and not really miss much.

The first sign that I was unanchored was when I placed my salad and pizza order and spontaneously added a piece of tiramisu. Why? I never do that. There was something lonely sounding in my small order that I felt compelled to "spend a little more, support small business". I hung up the phone and lied to myself that I wouldn't only eat a little bit if any.

I got the food home and put the tiramisu in the fridge, ripped open the salad and started eating that. About half done, I went and got a portion of pizza on a small plate. I wolfed it down inattentively - it was delicious but I was also reading news articles on my IPad. I went and refilled the plate and wolfed that down too, vaguely acknowledging that I wasn't really tallying the pizza but just sort of knew I was in the ballpark where I should be "done". Except I kept going. And I did it with joy and glee of stuffing myself entirely to the brim with 2 more pieces. And then, turning to the tiramisu, joyfully devoured the entire piece even though intellectually I was aware that I should have stopped after a couple of tasty bites. In that moment, it was sheer unrestrained joy of gorging myself on delicious food. I was rewarding myself for the restraint earlier in the day which created the caloric freedom to "let loose".

This is nothing different from riding the emotional wave with alcohol and having one celebratory drink turn into a blackout evening. It is all about emotional sobriety and I was "drunk" and unrestrained.

I don't even feel bad about it (yet). I am still riding that wave. I absolutely enjoyed it. I am sure that I will see it more critically later. i actually saw the scale down to 175.x after my shower this afternoon, say bye bye to that for the moment.

This was about an hour after my 2nd meds. Is it possible that being around Net 0 calories made my body respond more dramatically to the meds? Or was that entirely an emotional state inspired by release from the running around frantically to get ready for Proggy's?
 
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Llama

Well-known member
Could just be emotional. Seeing a "nicer" number on the scale can also make me feel freer to overeat later. And undereating early in the day definitely makes restraint harder as well.
 

Fiera

Active member
Well, my don't-give-a-sh&t-gonna-party attitude remained. I had four more pieces of pizza before bed. I should have at least made an attempt to put it in the freezer.

I don't exactly regret that much enjoyment tbh. Which is a bit troubling for my long term prospects of success. However I recognize the need to do something today to start making up for it.

I used to be able to go run five miles or more to get a big deficit at once. I am not conditioned for that any more and it is a lot harder to erase caloric indiscretions than it used to be.

I don't condone "cheat" days btw. Not for me.

Well, it's like any lifestyle change. Old habits die hard.

I am supposed to go,down to Proggy's today if he is feeling better. I have a long to-do list. Now I need to work in an extra long walk. Ugh.
 

Fiera

Active member
I just did the math on yesterday and NET 2702. Assuming maintenance calories are roughly 1550 (still need more investigation on that) thats a whopping overage of 1105.

Thats a lot of miles to walk. I use 60 calories for dog walking a mile slowly; 80 calories if I jog it. Was all that pizza worth 18 or so miles of "makeup" walking just to break even?

No? That seems like a lot doesn't it Fiera. Would it have been just as enjoyable to take small bites, actually slow down and savor them, and not have to deal with the aftermath?

Maybe I need to start thinking if the exercise each bit of food represents while I am putting it in my mouth. If you don't think about consequences, you can't connect to how dang HARD it is on a daily basis to generate a deficit for that day alone, let alone to make up for OTHER days.

It still feels like I was riding an emotional wave of non-sobriety. At least I am back down to earth now.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I definitely struggle with binging as wellbut for the most part I've reached a point where the super calorie dense food doesn't feel worth so I'm fine with having a healthier (but still good!) alternative that'll fill me up enough to have a natural end point before I break the calorie bank. And when I'm doing well I just don't buy more than one sensible portion of the too-tempting stuff (which then looks so pathetic I may not even want it).
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Hi, Fiera. I do what LaMa does. Until you are well into a healthy regime & have strong resistance I do not have things in the house that would trigger me to overeat. Pizza is a no-no for me for now. When I get to my desired weight I will have pizza occasionally if I really feel like it, but it will be a small amount with a big salad.
You'll get into the swing of things as you eat healthier & healthier. My tastes changed years ago & so did my cravings. Eating healthy is also mentally satisfying. You can do this. You're part of a team here.
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 14 Accountability
B: -
L: -
D: burger and fries (950) 4:30 down at Proggys
Total: 950
Activity: Small dog walks (30)
Net: 920
M/S: 9:30A, 10P
Sleep: 12-8

Will read replies tomorrow - quick post from Proggys xoxo
 

Fiera

Active member
Day 15 Accountability
B: Eng muff, egg, ham = 220 9:30A
L: Chix sand on french (370) hummus/pita chips (100) = 470 12:30P
D: 1/2 Shrimp Burrito = 400 5:00P
Dessert: Pumkin Bread from outing = 400 (had a little, then scarfed rest)
Snack: Hummus/Chips = 400
Total: 1890
Activity: 2:3DW (140) Town walks (60) = 200
Net: 1690
M/S: 9A, 7P
Sleep: 8H
 

Fiera

Active member
Still at Proggys but leaving soon and running home to do work on the house in warmer weather.

Yesterday felt like a vacation day. Weather was warm and sunny. I was away from my house and problems. KDog and I had a nice walk in the preserve. Went to see Proggys brother (helped him troubleshoot his phones). Went to a few "main street" towns with holiday lights up. Went into a bakery to get water for KDog and ended up buying a slice of pumpkin loaf. Brought it home later and had a few bites for dessert. Then, went back and ate the rest of the large piece and later had a large snack of chips and hummus.

I definitely struggle with binging as wellbut for the most part I've reached a point where the super calorie dense food doesn't feel worth so I'm fine with having a healthier (but still good!) alternative that'll fill me up enough to have a natural end point before I break the calorie bank. And when I'm doing well I just don't buy more than one sensible portion of the too-tempting stuff (which then looks so pathetic I may not even want it).
I don't know that I will be able to entirely get away from having treat food. However it is probably easier for me to learn to abstain than to stop in the middle of a binge.

Until you are well into a healthy regime & have strong resistance I do not have things in the house that would trigger me to overeat. Pizza is a no-no for me for now. When I get to my desired weight I will have pizza occasionally if I really feel like it, but it will be a small amount with a big salad.
You'll get into the swing of things as you eat healthier & healthier. My tastes changed years ago & so did my cravings. Eating healthy is also mentally satisfying. You can do this. You're part of a team here.
Once upon a time I used to be fine with a few pieces of pizza and a large salad. I think you nailed 2 things. One is that it's a treat/trigger food for me right now as was the pumpkin bread yesterday. And 2 - I cannot have amounts exceeding a single portion in the house because I am unable to stop until I am satiated.
How did you do yesterday? Any struggles away from home?
Maintenance day more or less. It was OK until we got home in the evening and I had a deficit and my body needed more calories. We had split a burrito while out and about. The plan was to have salad or something light when we got home....but the pumpkin bread I had spontaneously purchased was easy and ready to go and sitting on the counter. I had a few tiny bites and put it away. But a short while later I went back and wolfed the remainder down, no longer thinking about goals or consequences. Not having had enough calories up to that point was a perfect setup.

------------------

My anxiety is up. I woke up at 5 and couldn't get to sleep. Today is the day I have to try to seal some more leaks, gaps, and cracks in the house. I am concerned about how cold the basement is and what happens this winter if it gets cold enough for the pipes or water main to freeze? The window near the water main is leaking cold air like crazy; the thermal tape I have installed, which seemed so great, started failing when the temperature dipped below freezing. The anxiety takes the form of perseverating, where the problem areas replay over and over and I run through scenarios of what I can do to rig up a fix. I have to just get out of bed after a while because laying there turning things over and over is not helpful.

I do want to say however that I had quite a bit of hummus and pita chips last night. I have had the congestion, sneezing, etc which comes from chickpeas. Maybe this allergy/inflammation is feeding the uptick in anxiety.

-------

Other lifey bits:

KDog loved all the activity yesterday, going everywhere with us. She has been sleeping the good, hard sleep of a happily exhausted dog. I love to see that.

More emails exchanged with DNR lady. Seems she gives credence to the sighting and has encouraged me to try again to find a track to photograph as evidence. I won't be able to do that until at least Friday and my dance card is getting full. I have a year end financial planning meeting and am trying to get an electrician lined up. I am getting squeezed between my old house needing repairs and trying to find a new house.

Oh also, the new gyne office is being lax about an abnormal test result for someone with my history. I called to challenge and they basically entered none of the history into their system when I first came over a year ago. And they don't seem interested in looking back in the file. However they are happy to take me up on my offer to go through the records for them and summarize. This will take hours.

The time pressure, always time pressure, with the trip to FL coming up, and these other details needing resolution before I travel, is also feeding anxiety. F. Worrying doesn't help.

Layered into it, the sense that my cheese has been moved, and trying to be buddhist about that. I just wish I had clarity - about ANYTHING. It feels like nothing is solid. Not people in my life, not where to live, not what to do with myself. And time just passes and my house gets worse and worse. Impermanence.

That's enough anxiety talk for today. Gonna go make some coffee and start doing instead of thinking.
 
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Fiera

Active member
Day 16 Accountability
B: -
L: Salad (50), Penne (120), Pizza (225) = 395 12:45P
D: PB 1/2 Sand (220) Soup (120) M&C Cup (260) = 600 5:15P
Snack: Pita Chips (300*) Choc (45) Brie (70) = 415 8:30P
Total: 995+415= 1410
Activity: 0.5dw (30) 3.5h caulking, cleaning frames, learning curve! (200) = 230
NET: 765+415 v 1180
M/S: 9A, 5:15P
Sleep: 11:30-5, churning today's house repairs upon awakening
Time pressure of trying to catch caulking window, lack of knowledge, fraying pipe wrap, mortar solution? etc etc etc

*Package says 10 chips are 130 cals which is what I ate. But as I thought about it, that seems simply not possible. I suspect they are counting smaller chip fragments as chips and then averaging things out. Waiting for a response from the manufacturer.
 
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