Fiera's Diary

Back from grocery shopping and am a little avoiding knucking down to work on financial stuff and also trying to manage the fact that I probably didn't eat enough for breakfast if I was going to skip lunch. Will try to give 2PM meds some time to kick in. Otherwise maybe a nice cup of chicken bone broth.

It is a cold, damp and drizzly day. I took KDog for a walk in the forest preserve in between showers. Frigid temps are coming tomorrow. Once the snow and ice come for good the options for safe walks will be more limited and routine. So I always hope that doesn't happen to the very end of December and we only have to really suffer through Jan and Feb.

I generally enjoy the snow and change of seasons and if my house was more temperature secure I probably would even be looking forward to it. As it stands I am holding my breath a bit to see how this first severe cold goes. At least *some* caulk is better than no caulk.

Dinner I think will be this nice seafood paella I picked up, along with leftover green beans. Having a plan is the key to sticking this day.
 
I love the fact that I could have 2C of green beens and a tblsp of dressing and it is only 100 calories. And healthy. All that bulk and none of the guilt. Veggies are your friend. 😆

I really should be good now until dinner, I am not hungry but the little part of my brain that controls food impulses is a bit restless and nagging, even with the med. Will see if that snack does it.

ETA: Nope. I went ahead and had dinner. A big one so hopefully now I am actually done.
 
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Hi, Fiera. Veggies are definitely your friend. You get so much bang for your buck & surprisingly few calories. I find if I don't have a filling breakfast I am hungry for the rest of the day. I don't know how I would cope with extreme cold, but I suppose you would get used to it. You would have to have next-level clothing. In Australia, everyone makes fun of Tasmania being cold, but it's quite mild really. We still have four distinct seasons, but they're not extreme.
 
Ha ha ha ha good morning. Yesterday was a classic example of how not having enough breakfast/lunch sets you up for failure. Once I got home I was in the kitchen....trying to have snacks (didn't hold) before dinner then finally having dinner, then the leftovers with PB, then more PB, and later chips and cheese. It was still an overall deficit for the day, but definitely brain-crave driver.
 
Accountability Day 21:
B: Egg+White (87) 1/3 avoc (110) tortilla (100) = 297 8:30A
L: Turkey (50) Provolone (100) Bread (110) Mayo (50) Salad/Ranch (50) = 360 1:10P
D: TJ Mandarin Orange Chicken Bowl = 500
Total: 1157
Activity: -
NET: 11:57
M/S: 8A/1:10P/6P (1/2)
Sleep: 10-12, 3,7 ish.

Weight: 175.4 It's directional.
 
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I know the feeling... Large deficits just don't work for me no matter how much I try to trick myself. Awesome that you still managed a deficit though.
 
Cate said:
I don't know how I would cope with extreme cold, but I suppose you would get used to it. You would have to have next-level clothing.
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Every year there is a precipitous drop off where the cold shocks you. Then the next day you are over it and just deal with it. That is how it stays until it gets below 0F when people may have genuine hardships to deal with (cars not starting, heat going out, pipes freezing, etc). Having the right clothing makes all the difference. I do not want to purchase a larger coat for this year but the only coat warm enough which will fit me is a waist length ski jacket in loud colors...not suitable for a nice occasion (so what) or for someone whose stretch jeans let all the wind through (problematic). If I want to stay warm I am afraid I will have to purchase *something* to get through this winter. Though there might be some good sales after Christmas if I can wait that long. If I was even 10 pounds lighter I wouldn't need to look roly-poly in a buttoned jacket; I feel ashamed.

16F low expected overnight tonight so here comes the first big shock!

LaMaria said:
Awesome that you still managed a deficit though.
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Thank you!
 
Where I live there are really good second-hand clothes in "op" shops. Their standards are quite high. In the US charity shops had clothing that wouldn't be accepted here. They usually have lots of nice coats. It's worth a look.
 
After a very stressful day I am finally relaxing and reflecting with no small satisfaction on improvents in my comprehension and analysis skills, as well as productivity.

Day started with an early call from S, who was in a hotel room 1/2 world away, and I got up so we could have a chat. Then, w/ my Dad, a rescue dog was raised again, Peaches is using it as leverage towards her agenda. I was concerned, upset and vented to both S and Proggy. Feeding all this was strategizing on cash flow, tax strategy and figuring out ways to get my hands on more cash in the near term in preparation for an advisory meeting at 2:30...meanwhile talking with the HVAC installer (neighbor) and electrician and arranging a day to come over. There will be no money to start any work on ANY of the house projects until I get the finances sorted.

I settled a few things in my mind about Peaches, researched one topic online and had a later discussion w my Dad which reassured me (indirectly) on another topic. I also got somewhere with him on the mobility front and am going to take him to look at some scooters while I am down there.

I discovered that a tremendous amount of cold air is entering around the front door, as opposed to the front windows, and was able to do something to mitigate it. The difference is really encouraging! I was able to sit in the dining room and do my work without being a human popsicle. :) The house is more evenly heated and the den is not so hot, so I think that I am saving money on gas, and wear and tear on my boiler.

I also was reviewing my massive to do list from last week and am really happy that I got all the important priorities done. I am so happy to be feeling productive again. I feel like I am a walking advertisement for antidepressants at this point, but I am doing soooooo much better I feel like singing!
 
What a lovely post! Well, except for the added stress but it looks like you're dealing well with even that.
 
LaMaria said:
What a lovely post!
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Thank you LaMa!

Another busy day today, understanding the ABC's of 72t's, IRA's, HELOC's, etc. My realtor said that things are lightening up and they are no longer seeing multiple buyer/frenzied bidding conditions for homes, which is better for my situation as an upgrading buyer.

Dentist for a replacement crown cementation and filling. Pharmacy for meds refill and hair color. Tire shop to fix a slow leak (small nail). Picked up takeout (fried rice and ca maki), first time eating all day at 4P. Being busy keeps food thoughts away.

I was feeling pretty happy today even as I work my way through difficult financial waters. The fact that the house feels cozier and less vulnerable is relieving some pressure.

I need to update my tracker. Watching Hoarders while unwinding first. This show always makes me think about my tendency to hang on to things as memory prompts for my life, Definitely emotionally attached to stuff.
 
Accountability Tracker (Day 22 - Dec 7)
B: -
L: -
D: Shrimp Fried Rice (1400) Cali maki (350) 5P
Total: 1750
Activity: -
Net: 1750
M/S: 8A? 11:30A (2)
Sleep: Donut hole

I don't really know about the cals. Most estimates for rest. SFR are 240-410 per 1C serving. I had a 3-3.5C serving but this is some heavy stuff.

Only took 2 meds, seems to be too much if I do more.
 
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Accountability Tracker Day 23
B: -
L: Egg Salad Sand = 247 12'30P
D: Roast Bf(80) Naan (250) Chi Chs (150), Sour Crm (30) Salsa Verde (10) Salad (10), Animal Crack (280) = 810 7:30P
Total: 1057
Activity: 1dw (80) Laundry
Net: 977
M/S: 9?, 2P
Sleep: 10-2 6-8 (6h) watched shows

Still feeling like 2 meds is max. No appetite, a bit intense feeling, need to get sleep back on track. 4 hour donut hole is bad. Maybe baseline buildup; monitor.
 
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LaMaria said:
Estimating restaurant meals is hard! Somehow they always seem to be 50% oil.
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That's the truth! And lots of salt too. Today I will try to eat a lot of green. Too many meals lately consisting of large portions of treat foods instead of smaller portions with a salad. I am so busy/preoccupied that I am doing what is fast and easy (and yummy) too often without making the effort to think before eating. The medication made it easy to skip meals yesterday but when I let it wear off and tore into takeout I ate every bite.

I also need to give my food real attention while eating - slow down and notice it. I am shoveling it in while talking w Proggy on the phone or reading something on the internet.
 
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So....I had signs of PMS for a good two weeks...bloating, lower back pain, crying. In fact my mood was so down on Thanksgiving that it seemed a period was imminent. It was frustrating that it didn't come (esp since I am trying to get an US done before year end if possible for insurance reasons), It has been 2-3 months now.

Now some bleeding this morning comepletely out of the blue. Also 2 panic type jolts awake where I am feeling all the anxiety in an instant around financial decisions and being alone.

I want to acknowlege that I have allowed myself to become rather isolated. It started back up when Proggy came into my life. His level of constant contact when we are not together was suffocating to me. How could this man have nothing better to do than be on the phone 4 times a day when we are not together? Doesnt he have his own friends? I let his possessiveness get between me any other people. Then once his job relocated near me he started staying a over night a lot more, essentially 5 nights a week, and then still expecting me to come down to his place sometimes. And then then the depression and pandemic happened, and I stopped going out and became very sedentary. And embarrassed. And nothing to wear. And nothing interesting to talk about.

I have been trying to take this time while Proggy is out of work to have some space for myself again. But I am aware that I don't have much in the way of close friendships right now. I don't talk to Saylor regularly. Bg is gone. AN hasn't been accessible much due to Proggy perceiving him as a threat. At least I still have my dad and my dog. And S, with whom I always seem to be a bit streaky.

Its time for me to reconnect with people who make me feel seen, who feel like family. I cannot continue pushing my own security and friendships aside. I guess I will spend some of my time away in FL reflecting on Proggy and what I am doing and what I want.

Everything we do in life is a tradeoff (opportunity cost) for something else we are not doing. Time is finite. Even ruminating on a decision for days in order to not screw up the decision, is a tradeoff of your time you could be doing other things. I have financial advisors, why are they not advising me what to do? Why does this feel disjointed (again)? Why am I paying good money for experts who turn out to not have expertise? I am running into the same issue now that I had with my old firm - financial people and tax people are no good at reconciling their worldviews to come up with an integrated strategy.
 
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Fiera said:
Its time for me to reconnect with people who make me feel seen, who feel like family. I cannot continue pushing my own security and friendships aside.
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Hear hear. I think a lot of us have struggled with that during the pandemic but social bonds are what defines us as humans.
 
In the starkest darkest hours of reality in my life, I have found that human connection is all that matters. Without other people, life has a certain serenity, but it also loses meaning. Feeling adrift and utterly alone with no one to call is frightening.

I just had two nice conversations this morning though with my mortgage broker and my realtor. Normally I assume business people don't want to spend more time on the phone than they have to. If they do, they are just being nice and it's part of their job. So I just get off the phone. But both conversations naturally expanded out, esp with the realtor who lives in my hood and also has a big dog; we connect on those topic. It helps greatly that my cognition is working again and I can talk intelligently.

Sun is out and it is a tad warmer today, in the 30's, yay. Doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, picking up because there is stuff every and it is hard to think when you have to move 6 piles of papers to sit down on the couch or shuffle everything to find a pen.

Besides the cleaning lady comes tomorrow and she cannot clean if I don't get things picked up!
 
Fiera said:
It helps greatly that my cognition is working again and I can talk intelligently.
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Probably helps with confidence and just plain liking yourself as well.
And having a clean and tidy living space makes everything nicer.
 
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