Fiera's Diary

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds like you had a lovely time despite the Saturday annoyance. People really are what makes life more than just existence. I´m lucky to have three sisters and a couple of school friends to share those early memories with but it´s never too late to make new nostalgic memories with new people.
 

Fiera

Active member
Hi LaMa. That is so true about making new memories.

It seems that I spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to hang on to people and memories, perhaps because my memory is so bad. I know that it was one source of frustration to the good friend who left last year. You do expect that the person you are friends with will recall your stories or preferences which have been shared, and I am sure it made her feel like I didn't care. I don't know why information floats through my brain and doesn't stick. I had the same problem at my job and in my personal world. I can analyze a set of facts and come up with the "right answer", but then I don't retain the facts and need to refresh my memory the next time. So I really value having people around who remind me about earlier parts life. Also photographs and journals and objects, which all can evoke memories.

Probably a good idea to journal a bit more about this wonderful time spent with my dad and how it felt/feels. There is a cloud hanging over though in the form of Peaches however and I am grateful to be having a session with curly bubbly this morning. It seems like Peaches is starting to manipulate my dad a little and while I don't have a problem with her having her own wants/needs/desires, I do have concerns on how that impacts my dad and me - like trying to use his hate of one state to get him to move to another state an hour further away from me and closer to her family. They are enabling each other to live an unhealthy life by recreationally dining out without exercise, and he is alone on the couch watching tv while she does contract work in the other room or talks on the phone to her kids/grandkids. They are both burned out and I feel like I may need to step in and assert myself. The hot tears were raining out of my eyes while I stood off to the side at the baggage claim and during the taxi ride home. Sometimes situations are just hard and it is nobody's fault. But I need to understand what my boundaries are and how I can help. Am I ready/able to step in as primary caretaker? Would that be in his best interest? What about my own wants/needs/desires/plans? I feel like it's a gift to be able to be here for him/with him, just as I was never able to do for my mom...maybe I just sell my house and move in with him, and then pick up with my own priorities after he is gone. I definitely need to talk things out and then get on the same page w both of them if at all possible.

Will end here and get back to regularly scheduled programming.
 

Fiera

Active member
With out saying too much, there is a long-standing compromise agreement where they live half a year in each of two locations. He would like to maintain the status quo. Things are evolving in terms of his health and her family situation.

This is a delicate situation. I need to mind own my own biases and not overreact, make assumptions, or be controlling. It definitely feels like I am "armoring up" as curly bubbly aptly called it. One thing I know - this defensive reaction is learned from experience; I was not born with it. The uncertainy and smallness and tension and fear feels like the weight of a heavy smothering blanket with electric current running through it. I become reactive, more animal instinct than human intellect; less in control, less able to navigate a situation to a resolution, So, I am working on disarming that, staying positive and knowing that my Dad still has his faculties and is able to speak up for himself. No need to be at DEFCON 2.

In other news I was happy to see that the scale was steady after a week away which involved some dietary indiscretions but also some good choices like low-cal yogurt and portion control. Not as much exercise as I expected to get but one really super pleasant hike and an informative talk with a state park volunteer. CW 174.1 with a low water % so probably closer to 175.

Proggy was up yesterday afternoon til about noon today. I have felt a bit stuck in molasses and run down since shortly before he left. We mostly drove around all morning while the cleaning lady was at my house, took a little walk with KDog near nature museum. I am going to go now, take a Xanax, do some deep breaths, and watch Christmas movies.
 

Fiera

Active member
Yay, back home today with (finally) a bit of time to myself for reflection and planning. Punctuated for a time with a Zoom with AN who wants to do a sound check prior to an online performance. Went to hospital for annual mammo and labs this morning, getting things done before the insurance year ends. Unfortunately I did not realize that 3 of the labs were intended to be earrrly AM and so I will try to get those done early tomorrow,

XMas holiday at Proggys was ok. Kind of relaxing. It's nice to be out of the city proper and esp. when everything is closed up and quiet. We took a drive to check out the area where he had a job offer and this helped him make up his mind to turn it down (on top of some other factors). Yesterday we did some housecleaning and it decidedly cheered him up. I sliced the bottom of my foot on a carpet edging strip tack, and am hoping it will be able to heal on its own...was looking slightly more promising this morning. Took KDog for short 1M walks on XMas and day after - short because I left her leash and coat at home and it was too chilly for her to be out for more than 20 minutes or so. I did get a spare leash from a pet shop on XMas eve about an hour before it closed up, thankfully,

I have been working on removing tartar from KDogs teeth in hopes of avoiding a very expensive dental (and anesthesia risk). She is pretty patient with me as long as I do a few teeth at a time and give her pets and treats after. The molars in the back are really challenging right now as I have let them go far too long...so those might take 2-3 sessions per tooth.

I have talked out thoughts and feelings around Dad's health and Peaches and the evolving dynamics. Although I haven't yet though things all the way through I feel at bit more at peace. Of course, it's easier to be at peace when I am not dealing with it directly on a day to day basis.

At one point I got triggered by Proggy (my phone app did something weird "installing" immediately after he forwarded an email to me) - and I had a need to stop everything and try to research whether that was normal or malware, before it could wreak havoc. He had an immediate need for me to drive on and get away from where we had stopped with the car after looking for the job site. He started yelling at me and I snapped and very unskillfully told him that I was done. The resulting non-conversation gained an acknowledgement that we needed to talk about the relationship but he is asking me to wait until he gets his job sorted out and talk about it then. There is more to it but thats where things stand. I relented but it really feels like I cannot keep stuffing myself into a box that can't hold me, a life that is too small, an existence which short-changes all the sacrifices a younger Fiera made to make it possible to retire early and experience freedoms and adventures. Every hour I spend doing wrong things, for whatever reason, takes away from doing the right things and my heart aches with disharmony sometimes.

Some days I just want alone time and space so badly....other times I feel so isolated and alone and irrelevant...I know that when I am living the life where I belong that I won't feel either of those ways very often, because the right path comes with a sense of purpose and belonging and harmony.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Every hour I spend doing wrong things, for whatever reason, takes away from doing the right things and my heart aches with disharmony sometimes.
Balancing your wants and needs with other people and their desires and needs is tough. And even more so in pandemic times when everything is weird.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thanks for visiting LaMa and for your remarks.

As a people pleaser who struggles to define her own wants and needs - especially in real time (as contrasted with quiet, alone, reflective time with my journal) - it is very easy for me to simply just strive to meet needs of the other person. I even will fill in the blanks and anticipate unstated wants or needs, and make that my job instead of making ME my job. I noticed recently my excessive use of "do you want me to ____". I would like to stop that entirely. If necessary at all, I can ask an open ended question which doesn't name myself "is there anything that you need?" This is beneficial to the other person as well, providing them the opportunity to actually state their needs and desires. I might hear something that I wasn't expecting, if I listen. While I am people pleasing in the moment, I may also be controlling what I am willing/get asked for help with. I might be willing today to go get you a glass of water while I am here, but I don't want you to ask me to make a bigger commitment. THAT part is because I am terrible with boundaries and knowing my limits in real time....maybe the way I avoid overwhelm/overcommitment/saying no is to just evade open ended discussion. I feel guilty saying no. I know that I require a lot of alone time and have lots of personal projects needed to propel my life forward, but that doesn't seem like a legitimate excuse to offer up to people. If I wasn't still struggling with planning and organization I might whip out a calendar and say "I can come next Tuesday for an hour, would that be OK"?

Anyway, didn't mean to turn my weight loss journal sideways. Back on topic then...

Accountability
B: Banana, 12-grain, butter: 240
L: Sbucks Eggwht Wrap (290) Mocha (300): 590 12:30P
D: Egg Salad (250); Sm pasta/chs (180): 430 5:30P
IN: 1260
OUT: 1dw = 60
NET: 1200
M/S: 10:15A, 5:15P Meds only today, pending labwork
Sleep: 11:45-5:45 6H

My head has been uncharacteristically stuck on chocolate cake ever since Proggy and I made plans for Christmas meals at his house, We didn't end up sourcing anything in advance and I ended up with chocolate Zingers and cookies and ice cream from a service station. Then I ordered out late dinner the night that I got home simply to have real chocolate cake delivered. So huge amounts of food+chocolate cake consumed late in the evening. Then last night after KDog nagged me to get out of the house, I stopped for ice cream and donut bites. As a result of all this I haven't slept well and haven't been able to do some fasting morning labs. I am hopefully putting a stop to it by coming back to the basics here and tracking everything. It is possible that stopping my supplements and also missing 1 or 2 meds over the weekend had something to do with it. It's remarkable what the brain of a food addict can do in so little time...
 
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Llama

Well-known member
While I am people pleasing in the moment, I may also be controlling what I am willing/get asked for help with.
Which would be fine! Finding out what people want/need is important but knowing when to stop giving to avoid overdoing it is just as important. As long as you're aware of when you're doing what and why I think both have a place.

I hope getting perfect with your meds again will help you block the cake demons!
 

Fiera

Active member
Therapy was a nut buster today. I didn't even get to relationship/Proggy as it was all about the dynamics with Dad/Peaches. I am grateful that I can see my prior trauma arising. Yet I am far from being able to calm my reactions, emotions, thoughts. My fears around trust, manipulation, control, and conflict and my lack of confidence in my skills/ability to perceive and respond to threats in real time, all made themselves known. I cited Tormentor (work Bully) as example and it still feels so raw, I agree with her though that my previous experiences result in hypervigilance today. Most people who have needs/wants/desires are naturally biased and not as apt to view all sides of an issue, and that doesn't make them manipulative or Michaevellian. Blind spots are normal. However there is a difference between having a blind spot and deliberately leaving out facts/information for a self-serving purpose. It is a matter of awareness and intent. Since I am usually very slow to catch on to what the manipulator is up to, and I just don't operate that way, I can be readily taken advantage of, pushed out of the way, or have things taken from me. Learning skills to help me stand my ground and buy myself time to think are really important. Sadly, there will always be people with agendas which conflict with mine, and I need to learn how to stick up for myself instead of falling apart. And not automatically assume that someone with a different agenda is untrustworthy.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Since I am usually very slow to catch on to what the manipulator is up to, and I just don't operate that way, I can be readily taken advantage of, pushed out of the way, or have things taken from me. Learning skills to help me stand my ground and buy myself time to think are really important. Sadly, there will always be people with agendas which conflict with mine, and I need to learn how to stick up for myself instead of falling apart.
I need to learn those skills too. It sounds like therapy is very beneficial to you & you are very self-aware. Being a people pleaser can be so draining as we often put ourselves well back in the queue. We also can't fix everything & everyone. That takes some learning.
 

Fiera

Active member
Ok, according to my accountability tracker, I am right where I want to be. I just need to avoid snacking before I go to sleep and then I can get up and do my bloodwork at the lab early in the morning. I don't know if having relaxing herbal tea would throw anything off but as I am to avoid supplements as well as food I imagine I should skip it altogether and enjoy some nice yummy glasses of plain H20.

Wish me luck! I can dooooooo this! I can I can I can!
 

Llama

Well-known member
You totally can!
Great to hear you're going to therapy and getting to the hard stuff. It's so draining but it really helps in the long run.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thanks Cate and LaMa! I did it then had to postpone the labs anyway since I was awake in the night and it screws up to cortisol reading. Trying again tomorrow morning.

Was busy all day today doing year end tasks, logging volunteer hours, getting an administrative error corrected on my health insurance, etc. Tomorrow is NYE and we hope to have an early afternoon dinner out while restaurants are empty and then outdoor and home activities. Hoping that by next New Year we will be able to gather normally with friends at a party.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Tomorrow is NYE and we hope to have an early afternoon dinner out while restaurants are empty and then outdoor and home activities. Hoping that by next New Year we will be able to gather normally with friends at a party.
Enjoy NYE. 2022 just has to be better!
 

Fiera

Active member
Happy 2022!

Strange, year end is usually a time a transition for me, a time of thinking about the major activities and revelations of the year gone by, and a time of setting some new goals going forward. It begins around Solstice with the shortest days, and cold winter weather, with a healthy mix of outdoor walking and journaling reflection. This year feels like it hasn't happened, and I think it is a combination of factors. The depleting visit with my dad; air travel on solstice day itself, then arrival home to unsettled state about my Dad, his gf; lack of snow/warm temps; a laundry list of to-do's, the need for vegetating for a couple of days; planning an Omicron savvy-New Years Eve; attending to some support needs for a couple of friends (AN, S).

I know that I have a need to do this still - I did start a wishes list but I don't have the clarity and immediacy of access I will have when I really listen to my heart.

I am grateful - so very grateful to have made it here, feeling and believing that my life is improving and that I can move forward in reconnecting and rediscovering myself. I need a solo trip to a locale which spiritually moves me. I need to examine and rework the language which I use to think about myself, my actions, my motives. I need to be more intentional about the people I allow in my life, and really relish the ones who matter...and who value me. I need to be more intentional, more mindful in general. Not because I should be. Because it matters. Every day matters. Every hour matters. Harmony within oneself matters. Sensing our best right place in the Universe matters.

So much to reflect upon and easier when I get to a laptop. But for now, I revisit my favorite quote:

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." - Rumi

Happy 2022 to all. May we each individually and the world collectively be moreaware, wise, kind, and loving.
 
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Llama

Well-known member
I am grateful - so very grateful to have made it here, feeling and believing that my life is improving and that I can move forward in reconnecting and rediscovering myself.
No better way to start a fresh year if you ask me. I hope you can find the peace and quiet you need for your contemplations.
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray." - Rumi
That's a beautiful quote!
 
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