Cate
Long term member
What a lovely thought. We can certainly do our fair share & have hope.
Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
Fiera
Well-known member
Tue Jan 4. Just barely into the new year and little nagging fear has showed up after a relatively comfortable break. Am not sure what is driving it. Possibly the electrician/hvac contractor scheduling to come over tomorrow. I get anxious about communicating, anxious about the state of my house and myself (we both need some cleaning up), anxious about the fact that I really just want to move and sell and not do the renovations, I haven't found the right home in 18 months, and prices are skyrocketing, How can home (both house and condo) prices be skyrocketing when crime is up and people are working from home, shuttering businesses and office space? Why isn't my portfolio making any money and how much trouble am I in with galloping inflation? What if my SUV dies (seems to be going thru oil) in these days when dealers are getting $10K over list, and crazy rental rates? Is there anywhere to live where I might be happier?
These are the kinds of things which disturb my peace if I think about them. I only raise them as an awareness exercise and to think about mental tools:
a. If it won't matter in 5 years don't give it more than 5 minutes
b. Avoidance doesn't solve anything; neither does perseverating. Only ACTION dissolves FEAR
c. Serenity prayer
d. Seek opinions from trusted people and don't second guess
e. Plan long term, but live in the NOW
f. How does this affect my Quality of Life in Real Time? (A friend)
g. Clinging - to the past, people, places - is an active trade-off. "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on" (Havelock Ellis)
h. Make friends with your panic, your greatest teacher (Mingyur Rinpoche)
i. Listen with my heart. "Let yourself be silently drawn..." (Rumi)
j. You have successfully made it this far in life; you must be resourceful.
k. Girl, wash your face.
l. Make your Bed. (Admiral McRaven)
m. Duclutter. Relentlessly.
n. You can't do/have everything. CHOOSE
o. The stories we tell ourselves
p. Learn to ASK for help, you weren't born with all the answers
q. How do you want to be remembered?
r. What behavior/outcome would make you proud of yourself?
Well that's a good little list to come back to.
These are the kinds of things which disturb my peace if I think about them. I only raise them as an awareness exercise and to think about mental tools:
a. If it won't matter in 5 years don't give it more than 5 minutes
b. Avoidance doesn't solve anything; neither does perseverating. Only ACTION dissolves FEAR
c. Serenity prayer
d. Seek opinions from trusted people and don't second guess
e. Plan long term, but live in the NOW
f. How does this affect my Quality of Life in Real Time? (A friend)
g. Clinging - to the past, people, places - is an active trade-off. "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on" (Havelock Ellis)
h. Make friends with your panic, your greatest teacher (Mingyur Rinpoche)
i. Listen with my heart. "Let yourself be silently drawn..." (Rumi)
j. You have successfully made it this far in life; you must be resourceful.
k. Girl, wash your face.
l. Make your Bed. (Admiral McRaven)
m. Duclutter. Relentlessly.
n. You can't do/have everything. CHOOSE
o. The stories we tell ourselves
p. Learn to ASK for help, you weren't born with all the answers
q. How do you want to be remembered?
r. What behavior/outcome would make you proud of yourself?
Well that's a good little list to come back to.
Fiera
Well-known member
I haven't been feeling well since yesterday evening. Tight chest, fatigue yesterday, add headache and running warm today. Found a place nearby which will rapid test so doing that shortly. Primarily to do the right thing before having electrician and HVAC guy over tomorrow.
Been working on a couple of fixits for my car (air compressor, trunk release button, fuel door actuator, scheduled repair for broken tail light assembly. Did a lot of laundry today. Some things aren't going to get done, like shopping. But as long as I get the list done for the electrician it is enough for today.
Proggy accepted a job offer today. He has worked hard at it and turned down a couple of offers which were not a good fit. This one I think will work out ok and it's a good bump in salary besides. Happy for him. He deserves it.
Been working on a couple of fixits for my car (air compressor, trunk release button, fuel door actuator, scheduled repair for broken tail light assembly. Did a lot of laundry today. Some things aren't going to get done, like shopping. But as long as I get the list done for the electrician it is enough for today.
Proggy accepted a job offer today. He has worked hard at it and turned down a couple of offers which were not a good fit. This one I think will work out ok and it's a good bump in salary besides. Happy for him. He deserves it.
I think prices are skyrocketing everywhere, where I am in rural QLD you would struggle to find a house in town under 1/2 a million. Rents are through the roof and homelessness has become a problem. Probably the biggest cause is city folk from down south moving here in droves.
I hope you feel better soon.
Fiera
Well-known member
Hi and thank you Cate, LaMa, and Trusylver. I am feeling loads better today. Hit the ground running with the HVAC/Electrician here for 3 hours this morning. Then Proggy called about another interview and solicited help scanning a few hundred page employee handbook for the job he accepted. AN and CC both called but no time for them atm. Short walk for KDog due to frigid conditions. Giving dad a quick call to ask about his new "hot rod" (scooter).
Need to make tons of notes about the electric. I started glazing over by the time he started asking me if I wanted to permits and explaining (outside, in 15 degree temps with icy winds) about if we upgrade the breaker panel then IF we get (or are forced to get) permitted then I need a whole new box coming in to the house, along with new 2x awkwardly,place exterior grounds to get up to code, and in that case I might as well replace the lead wires off the main and also bring in 200 amp service....that was after about 2 hours on fabric, Romex, BX, junction boxes, GFI, fixtures, etc...etc...
Thought that this gem of an article which showed up before it all started was perfect for today. YES! I EXACTLY desire to have a busy pace without feeling frazzled just because I am busy!!
https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/slowing-down-buddhism/?fbclid=IwAR3FbW4jg4Z1WLMXi1MZWuXuGjLPKccomNwxQt9-BfPGs5hyNz8uij_yEMg
I wanted to take a few minutes to bookmark it and come back to this later.
Need to make tons of notes about the electric. I started glazing over by the time he started asking me if I wanted to permits and explaining (outside, in 15 degree temps with icy winds) about if we upgrade the breaker panel then IF we get (or are forced to get) permitted then I need a whole new box coming in to the house, along with new 2x awkwardly,place exterior grounds to get up to code, and in that case I might as well replace the lead wires off the main and also bring in 200 amp service....that was after about 2 hours on fabric, Romex, BX, junction boxes, GFI, fixtures, etc...etc...
Thought that this gem of an article which showed up before it all started was perfect for today. YES! I EXACTLY desire to have a busy pace without feeling frazzled just because I am busy!!
https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/slowing-down-buddhism/?fbclid=IwAR3FbW4jg4Z1WLMXi1MZWuXuGjLPKccomNwxQt9-BfPGs5hyNz8uij_yEMg
I wanted to take a few minutes to bookmark it and come back to this later.
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Fiera
Well-known member
Thank you! I won't retain everything but I did understand it all and took lots of notes.
Having a house "challenge" with clear, scientifically informed answers and a trusted contractor was a great experience. I learned so much about my house today and electrical and none of it was scary! I am lucky-happy that my brain cylinders were firing.
It is great to be reminded of what I am capable of. If my brain keeps recovering it will go a long way to restoring my self confidence.
It is super duper cold here and there is no way I am going to indoor track or a gym right now with COVID. So....just taking a couple of days off.
Oh, AND.
It is super windy on top of being bitterly cold AND MY HOUSE IS NOT DRAFTY OR FREEZING. All the work I did with caulking and taping and foaming etc etc is making quite a difference. I am so proud of myself. I thought I could not survive another winter in this house as the worsening drafts and strain on the boiler were making it feel like it was coming apart at the seams. It was truly desperation that when I couldn't find someone to do the work properly+reasonably+timely that I stopped worrying about it being done right, by a professional, to just throwing my best (panicked) effort at it. ACTION eats FEAR for breakfast. And ultimately things are not done "right" but they are good enough to give me peace of mind for now. Did I say peace of mind? Isnt that something?
Fiera
Well-known member
A heartfelt thank you, LaMa. Was sitting here thinking of appropriate words to describe my journey and they all sounded melodramatic. Then I teared up. I'll just say I am grateful for being where I am at right now, today.
Speaking of where I am at, I have been giving myself a free pass regarding food and exercise and The Scale. But yesterday I could barely get my stretch jeans on before the electrician got here. I have been super busy and not really mindful, hence the article yesterday about being busy but not rushing. So going to just try to do THAT today and get into a better, more relaxed flow as I move through the day. Practicing mindfulness will help me pay attention to food behaviors, and in a few days it should warm up enough to get back outside walking. In the meantime, I can surely stretch and meditate to get back in touch with my body.
Llama
Well-known member
Sounds like a great start. Making the right choices continually is so much harder when you're stressed.
Cate
Long term member
Oh, well done on getting your house sealed. You have good reason to be proud of yourself.
I'll try to remember this next time I'm thinking what I do isn't going to be good enough.
Fiera
Well-known member
Awake early, sleep interrupted a couple of times. so came to get current.
Had my very expensive "concierge" visit w my doc. Good news is that I haven't yet got myself into a pickle medically from my extra food and caloric indiscretions.
We spent the entire time talking about my food compulsion and my desire to get fit and back to living a life doing outdoor things . He suggested that since 40 pounds is a big nut to crack, and everything is so much harder while carrying this much weight, that I get a little extra artificial help with appetite suppression to lose 15-20 rapidly, say by April ("pre-season") and then consider summer the "season". Change the language around my time off to a "needed respite".
Thr artificial help options were a couple of meds and/or testosterone/progesterone creams as my levels of both of these hormones are low, even for a woman at my phase of life. He encouraged me to let it percolate and not make any knee-jerk decisions, I admit that it sounds enticing but honestly I am a bit empty when it comes to seeing myself showing up to do the hard training parts without a coach or personal trainer to be accountable to. I also expressed concerns that anything mess with my psych meds. But there would be a great kick start back to finding myself.
I also know that I once upon a time lost up to 1.5-2 lbs a week through a combination of diet and daily exercise, with nothing more than the antidepressant I am on now. The big key is making it a daily priority. I find myself saying that I am feeling sapped by the time and effort going in to supporting people who need it - and then there was this "aha" moment where I acknowledge that maybe I use that support as a means to make myself feel good while also using it as an excuse. I once worked and trained and managed to still find time to support people, I was just much better at putting limits on the amount of time I had for them. So last night I told CC we could talk for 15 minutes. She respected it, but then asked if we could talk again tomorrow. She is lonely, it is hard so say no, and I have so much to do for myself, and my dad and Proggy need a lot of daily time, the house, taxes etc. Still overwhelmed easily. I had a desire to work on decluttering yesterday but no time. And Proggy wants to get together tomorrow and then with his new job starting he will likely be at my house more again staring Monday. I have to be nice, but it feels caustic at this point, disharmonious, and if he isn't willing to talk about things soon there is a chance my suppressed tension is going to unleash itself without warning, I can feel it building. The best thing for me is find my own things to do to escape. Exercising could be an outlet/excuse; COVID+winter require some creativity.
Had my very expensive "concierge" visit w my doc. Good news is that I haven't yet got myself into a pickle medically from my extra food and caloric indiscretions.
We spent the entire time talking about my food compulsion and my desire to get fit and back to living a life doing outdoor things . He suggested that since 40 pounds is a big nut to crack, and everything is so much harder while carrying this much weight, that I get a little extra artificial help with appetite suppression to lose 15-20 rapidly, say by April ("pre-season") and then consider summer the "season". Change the language around my time off to a "needed respite".
Thr artificial help options were a couple of meds and/or testosterone/progesterone creams as my levels of both of these hormones are low, even for a woman at my phase of life. He encouraged me to let it percolate and not make any knee-jerk decisions, I admit that it sounds enticing but honestly I am a bit empty when it comes to seeing myself showing up to do the hard training parts without a coach or personal trainer to be accountable to. I also expressed concerns that anything mess with my psych meds. But there would be a great kick start back to finding myself.
I also know that I once upon a time lost up to 1.5-2 lbs a week through a combination of diet and daily exercise, with nothing more than the antidepressant I am on now. The big key is making it a daily priority. I find myself saying that I am feeling sapped by the time and effort going in to supporting people who need it - and then there was this "aha" moment where I acknowledge that maybe I use that support as a means to make myself feel good while also using it as an excuse. I once worked and trained and managed to still find time to support people, I was just much better at putting limits on the amount of time I had for them. So last night I told CC we could talk for 15 minutes. She respected it, but then asked if we could talk again tomorrow. She is lonely, it is hard so say no, and I have so much to do for myself, and my dad and Proggy need a lot of daily time, the house, taxes etc. Still overwhelmed easily. I had a desire to work on decluttering yesterday but no time. And Proggy wants to get together tomorrow and then with his new job starting he will likely be at my house more again staring Monday. I have to be nice, but it feels caustic at this point, disharmonious, and if he isn't willing to talk about things soon there is a chance my suppressed tension is going to unleash itself without warning, I can feel it building. The best thing for me is find my own things to do to escape. Exercising could be an outlet/excuse; COVID+winter require some creativity.
Llama
Well-known member
I often feel drained if I don't eat well or move too little. Then when I can somehow find the discipline to do what I know my body needs for a week it's suddenly easier and my energy gets more rather than less. I know that may not be the case if you have clinical depression but keeping a ball rolling is always easier than setting it in motion.
Fiera
Well-known member
That's very true LaMa. For me if I can eat clean for a week - even after a few days - it changes everything. My head gets clearer, my muscles are less inflamed, and my body starts absorbing nutrients better. So is what I am going to prioritize starting and keeping rolling.
Its finally warm enough today to take a dog walk so will tell Proggy we can see him later AFTER walk.
Well I got on the scale this morning and was a bit bewildered to see 174.6 which I feel must reflect dehydration as that puts me about where I was a month ago before Proggy's b-day dinner kicked off a month of shameful indiscretions and lack of exercise. Is suppose it is possible that the medication is helping my metabolism. Either way, knowing that the mountain isn't taller and I am less than 5 pounds away from a first milestone is encouraging for a restart.
Intention: To move through my busy day aware, not rushed, and with kindness towards myself and others.
B: -
L: Meatballs (600) Salad (70)= 670 Nooo... Mini mbs NOT 35 cals ; 120. Brand?
D: Shrimp W Pasta (400), Sld (40), 1/2 Emuf w PB (220)=
IN: 1330
OUT: sad trombone; errands, flat tire, ran late
NET: 1330
M/S: 8:30, 1:00P (using alarm)
Sleep: 10-11, 11:30-5, 6-8 ish. Note: Don't doze off to Dexter. NOT soothing.
I have a semi flat tire which requires patching and then a grocery store pickup. A list of about 8 chores then drive down to Proggys. So I guess I had better get busy (but not rushed).
Its finally warm enough today to take a dog walk so will tell Proggy we can see him later AFTER walk.
Well I got on the scale this morning and was a bit bewildered to see 174.6 which I feel must reflect dehydration as that puts me about where I was a month ago before Proggy's b-day dinner kicked off a month of shameful indiscretions and lack of exercise. Is suppose it is possible that the medication is helping my metabolism. Either way, knowing that the mountain isn't taller and I am less than 5 pounds away from a first milestone is encouraging for a restart.
Intention: To move through my busy day aware, not rushed, and with kindness towards myself and others.
B: -
L: Meatballs (600) Salad (70)= 670 Nooo... Mini mbs NOT 35 cals ; 120. Brand?
D: Shrimp W Pasta (400), Sld (40), 1/2 Emuf w PB (220)=
IN: 1330
OUT: sad trombone; errands, flat tire, ran late
NET: 1330
M/S: 8:30, 1:00P (using alarm)
Sleep: 10-11, 11:30-5, 6-8 ish. Note: Don't doze off to Dexter. NOT soothing.
I have a semi flat tire which requires patching and then a grocery store pickup. A list of about 8 chores then drive down to Proggys. So I guess I had better get busy (but not rushed).
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