Fiera's Diary

Thanks Cate and LaMa! This morning I awaken with a feeling of satisfaction. I am counting "One in a Row" even though it was a B+ performance. I really cannot believe that I was so far off on those meatballs lol, I had bought some mini-meatballs early in the pandemic which were 35 cals, and I forgot that the ones NOW in my freezer weren't identical...but never in my wildest dreams would have guessed they were fat bombs of 120 cals each. So - a good idea to check labels for a while. I did speak up for myself about dinner at Proggy's, turning down a couple of more carby, cheesy offers in favor of shrimp with a smaller portion of whole wheat pasta and salad (which I brought). I cracked and had a snack of fresh PB on 1/2 eng muffin later for a snack but on the whole it was good to not overeat and get the FEEL of having a managed day.

Now I awaken at Proggy's knowing that there is nothing here for breakfast which will support clean eating, except eggs, which he will inevitably fry. Oh Fie, did you really not see that his eating habits are described? I plan to go home around lunch as he has some reading to do for his new job. I need to get to the grocery store but willl see as the landscape has become a skating rink with that sort of thin glaze of ice which will dump you on your head in the driveway or parking lot before you know what happened! KDog's potty breaks are confined to a patch of snow covered grass about 50 feet long where we have footing and can avoid venturing into the driveway/parking area.

He is up,early so I will have to BBL.
 
A B+ is a pass, so go you! I have allergies and grew up in a family full of allergic people so checking labels is second nature for me. Some products are just wild.
 
Intention: I will experience the joy of awareness.

B: 2 Hard Boiled Eggs, Mayo = 210 9A
L: TJ carnitas burrito (minus excess shell) = 440 3P
D:
IN: 650
OUT:
NET:
M/S: 9A/3P
Sleep: 7ish, Proggys couch
 
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Being more aware helps us in more ways than one. I must meditate today. Can you do online grocery shopping & if so do they choose well? It's a great option that I use all of the time now.
 
Cate said:
Being more aware helps us in more ways than one. I must meditate today. Can you do online grocery shopping & if so do they choose well? It's a great option that I use all of the time now.
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It's a bit hit and miss with the online grocery shopping, I have several stores which carry certain items/brands I prefer. And out of stocks happen too often, or they substitute something I don't want. But in thinking about it a bit more, maybe it would be a good challenge to be more efficient and less picky about groceries. Food takes up too much bandwidth in my life in so many sneaky little ways!

I noticed tightness in my chest at Proggys today and was blaming it on the Med but later realized it might be the coffee he has at his house, I had no matcha tea there so I may have had more coffee than usual, and he does pick up these varieties from the warehouse club which seem to have manipulated amounts of caffeine in them. Must pay attention better, maybe track caffeine for a while. Maybe if I get off it I would be able to tolerate a bump up in the Med.

Traded messages with docs this AM. Looks like we will be trying hormonal creams for the jump start weight loss phase,

Came back home around 1 today. Ice on sidewalks/steps so I got out of the car and salted and then waited back in car with KDog for 40 mins til it was safe to get her into the house. Then I went and picked up groceries at aTJ's.

Was sad about BG this morning. Proggy and I discussed a bit. He denied putting any pressure on me to while I was trying to juggle them both. But I own all of my own mistakes. I can see them better now. And I think I its a sign that I am healing emotionally when I actually feel feelings instead of just being anxious/fearful/locked up. I need to process a few things, and the BG friendship is one of them.

Feel ready for a nap. It's only 4:15P. I have got to start crackind the code on exercise, but it seems stupid to go to gym or indoor track. I think by Tuesday it will be warm enough to walk-jog a bit outdoors.
 
Fiera said:
He denied putting any pressure on me
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That´s such a complicated topic. Most people don´t realize when they´re pressuring others and certainly not how much. And on the other hand sensitive people sometimes take their own expectation of other people´s expectations and treat them as reality without checking in with the other person to see if that´s really what they expect. I know I did/do and it makes life unnecessarily hard.
Fiera said:
And I think I its a sign that I am healing emotionally when I actually feel feelings instead of just being anxious/fearful/locked up.
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Probably. Looks like you´re doing really well despite everything.
 
Today looked like it was going to be an easy day. I read a great article the upshot of which was what we pay attention to ends up being our lives. Distractions, internet, email, social media, tv, passive entertainment, other people's agenda's etc all take up attention. So if your attention is not where your INTENTION is, your desires for your life, then how can you live the life that you want? Boom. Mic drop.

S connected while overseas so I texted a bit. But then news of the death of a dog rescue friend R of 15+ years hit me pretty hard. So some grieving there, and condolences shared, I respected my needs and told S and AN I couldn't talk right now. Paid estimated taxes, spoke w tax guy, reviewed doc notes and responded. Did laundry, check in call w/ my Dad. Listened to Proggys concerns about new job/boss and made some suggestions.

Am worried about KDog and will be working to get her into in to vet or E-vet tmrw. For a week now I have been getting an occasional whiff of something foul-smelling. But my sense of smell is lost and I was thinking she needs a bath and maybe her bedding is getting bad. I have been washing whatever bedding. But eventually I concluded it was not bedding, because I was sitting next to her each time. Tonight I figured it was coming from her mouth and found a eroded section of black gum tissue which, while I am no expert, seems to be either necrotic tissue or tumor. So, needless to say it is urgent and I am trying to remain calm until I know there is reason not to be.

R's sudden death was a reminder about making peace with impermanence. But also some thoughts showed up about how life seems to be such a juggling act of trying to show up for people and showing up enough for myself. R was a man, who along with his lovely wife and loyal friends, pursued his passion and built a legacy. I cannot imagine him spending hours on the internet or watching the tube (Proggy) or listening to so many long, non-producing emotional support phone calls with people like a therapist. Supportive as I desire to be. If those are not what I delberately want in my life then I can take actions to curb. The first two are a no brainer. The latter maybe is a latent career track. I just need to be more limited about my time served up. But honestly I don't think it's as much about eliminating activities as much as it is filling my time with things which grow and challenge me. And the pandemic and Proggy and the depression and retirement all came together and blotted out the sky like a locust storm. Good topic for my Intentional (Attentional) statement!

Doc says to increase D3 and magnesium. Low DHEA, testosterone, progesterone, slightly high cortisol. Interestingly, low DHEA aligns with several symptoms which became bad to severe the past several years. We talked about a course of action.
 
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Llama said:
That´s such a complicated topic. Most people don´t realize when they´re pressuring others and certainly not how much. And on the other hand sensitive people sometimes take their own expectation of other people´s expectations and treat them as reality without checking in with the other person to see if that´s really what they expect. I know I did/do and it makes life unnecessarily hard.
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Guilty of this. I know that I did this with BG. It is so ingrained that I don't even see when I am doing it. I appreciate you raising this.

Further, I am guilty of saying something and automatically believing that I have made myself heard and understood. If it's important enough to say, then it's important enough to make sure that your words are understood. Perhaps what - to me - is gentle language cushioning bad news is just actually too ambiguous. When your audience is in denial or focused on only reading positive cues then you both are contributing to a situation.

Communication is definitely an area I can get better at. Hi IQ / Low EQ. I think I have quit making an effort because everything has been so exhausting. But honestly, learning to be a better communicator will make me a better person and bring happiness and serenity into my life. Figuring out a 3-year home renovation probably will not have the same payoff. Just because I believe I should be capable of anything doesn't mean I should spend my time proving it. Duh.
 
Fiera said:
Further, I am guilty of saying something and automatically believing that I have made myself heard and understood. If it's important enough to say, then it's important enough to make sure that your words are understood. Perhaps what - to me - is gentle language cushioning bad news is just actually too ambiguous.
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Hah, there´s one I´m guilty of as well. Of course some people will conveniently ignore any messages they don´t like unless you scream into their face (and I really hate screaming, whether I´m the screamer or the screamée) and are then completely surprised when you finally decide to cut them off because "you never said anything" even though you calmly explained your annoyance a million times... And sometimes your message really was ambiguous. Most of the time the truth is probably in the middle somewhere.

Best of luck to KDog: may the problem be painless and solvable.
 
KDog update: Vet didn't see anything to be alarmed about, the spot I noted was black pigmentation directly where the lower tooth makes a recession on the upper gum. She did get a brief whiff also, but she said smelled like garden variety dog breath. Whatever I smelled repeatedly over the last week was more like something died. The two times I had something smell that foul out of a dogs mouth were from cancer and stressed kidneys. It was about time for annual wellness labs/fecal, and she got rabies/distemper and a nail trim as well. If labs don't turn up anything then will consider having a professional dental.

B: Egg+white (87), raisin brd/tiny butter (150), bacon (60) = 297
L: Rotisserie chicken w bit o skin (150), babybel (70) = 220
D
IN
OUT
NET
M/S: 10A/
Sleep: 6h

Intention: Awareness and Nudging of Attention
 
Getting a point across without getting cross is a battle. If you pick up some good skills there I will be happy to hear about them. I'm glad K-dog is fine. Will he let you clean his teeth?
 
Man, I love it when I have the time and headspace to skills to fix something around the house. Today it was dismantling the conspole humidifier (which is 42 years young) to dx a rattle it had developed, I love the way that things used to be built to last. Its a Kenmore, and it is still possible to purchase the belt filters so I know I am not the only one still proudly carrying on. What's cool is that they designed it to be taken apart and serviced. Not like todays throwaway appliances, So, some cleaning lubing, and adjusting, and it's running smooth as butter again.

While I was at it I cleaned the mini-fan from the bedroom. Two little nagging things done. And my skin - and guitars - will be very grateful to get back up to a reasonable humidity.

Smiling.
 
Cate said:
I'm glad K-dog is fine. Will he let you clean his teeth?
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She will actually. It has been a gradual process of trust building over the past couple of years and she lets me know when she has had enough. Some days it's 2 minutes and she is done. Other times I can do it for 15. She gets tartar so fast and if I don't keep up with it she gets red and swollen gums.
Cate said:
Getting a point across without getting cross is a battle. If you pick up some good skills there I will be happy to hear about them.
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Me too 😄
 
You are really handy. Doesn't it feel good to be able to fix stuff yourself? Sorry, K-dog, calling you a boy :) I'm sure my boy wouldn't let me do his. I had his teeth done recently & am not letting him have any sugar at all. He loves greenies & when I clean my teeth before bed I give him one.
 
Honestly I started doing it because dentals are 300-550 (depending on duration and x-rays) and that excludes the price of the pre-anesthesia bloodwork. Extractions also added on $$$ if needed. It's a stupid amount of money on a dog who would need one every 4-6 months. Then there is anesthesia risk as well.

I have tried various bones and plaque off and generally they upset her digestion and she seems disinterested. But if I do XRays they can look for bad teeth you can't see otherwise, I don't think she is having any dental pain.
 
Good morning, world.

The tiny shifts which are coming about are so welcome, so comforting, so hopeful.
I am so happy for the little improvents in and around the house, and the feelings of competence they bring. I am so happy for time and space away from Proggy, though he did quit the disappointing new job and needed talk time the past couple of days. I prefer not to be in the same house with him, as I get so much more quality of life this way, don't have to have the "what's for dinner" conversation, can get stuff done. It has also been a nice departure from droning on the phone in painful detail about my day because he just wants me to fill his void.

I exchanged a couple of emails w Irish Friend yesterday/today and heard from S who will head home today. Seeing Saylor Friday. Was thinking about driving out about an hour and having lunch with EF while picking up T&P, but it is overcast and not really a pleasant day for the long drive, Will check forecast for tomorrow. Sun is a game changer for me....I haven't yet figured out how to spend winters in a sunny place but that is still on the wish list ---- to at least try it one year. I think I would miss winter if I didn't have it though. I like the idea of being able to get away a few times for a week rather than the entire winter,

It sure helps when the house can keep up with the winter. I can take care of the snow and ice myself,
 
I've done one-week sunny trips during the darkest time of year a couple of times and they're glorious but in the end I quite like the calmness of winter.
 
I seem to have been missing more than hitting my tried and true accountability tracker. I am wise enough to know that going through the motions of restarting means that my heart and mind are just not really focused on weight loss right now.

It's a bit sad seeing the calendar flick by so fast. I don't feel anxious about Spring at least, in the sense of "ohmygoshIhavetodosomethingtofixthishouseORELSE". But I do feel like it's coming up too quickly, a new season, another battle with the yard, the house, the contractors. I never before in my life have said that Winter was passing "too quickly".

I think a bit more often about picking up some work to alleviate the scare of inflation against my retirement nest egg. However maybe I should focus just a bit longer on getting other things in my life in order, Like decluttering the house, the computer hard drive cleanup/backup, getting digital photos backed up. I find that ai greatly enjoy doing all of these tasks if I can just prioritize and focus time and attention on it, And, as my recent readings are teaching me, attention is at the center of everything.

I have been spending less time reading social media but still go in spurts on reading news articles. I have cut back on talk time, yet I was on with S for over 2 hours yesterday in 3 separate calls. During the conversation I brought up my recent introduction to "My Experience is what I Agree to Attend to", as she might find useful to apply to her situation, and which was a bit meta in the moment for me.

After rewatching Nomadland and seeing a post on a dog page, I began to think again about how a small RV or camper van could fill in some gaps in how I can see the national parks while traveling/hiking with a canine companion. This pandemic kinda messed up outdoor recreating since the entire country decided to take it up at the same time as me. But, no excuses, if I really want to make it happen, I will.

I got up late due to a 2.5 hour donut hole and now I have to Curly Bubbly in 15 mins. So dashing....
 
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Proggy visited from about 5P on Sat to 5P on Sun. He wants to go out to a bar (which I get), but I won't do it because it (to me) is irresponsible during the current high COVID-Omicron surge. His response was/continues to be that he is tired and he isn't afraid of it since he is boosted. I finally think I got him to understand that I am not worried about ME getting seriously sick. It's about me not becoming a carrier and risk spreading it right now, at a time when so many are sick and hospitals and healthcare are strained to the max. If we are all selfish and the hospitals get entirely full, then what happens to the people who have a heart attack, are in a car crash, etc? Remember the guy who died because his appendix went bad and hospitals in all directions couldn't take him for like 12 hours and it burst? THAT is why I choose to stay home right now. Because maybe it saves lives even though you can't directly see it. Yes, I too am angry about antivaxxers, because we wouldn't be in this pickle with so many severely ill people if folks simply got the shot. But honestly I am at the point where if people want a Darwin award, there is nothing I can do about it. Except not exacerbate the situation.

I empathize because I know he needs to get out of the house, esp not working (he left that job after 2 days because it was a shi*show) But. If that's what he wants to do right now I can't participate, It felt good to stand up to his pressure. And when I said I thought it would be better in a few weeks as Omicron is already peaking to declining in hard hit areas, he visibly relaxed about it. He needs to rely more on his old friends and indeed as he is at his own house more these days I hear more often about him connecting with his old friends. Glad about that. I can't do co-dependent.

Sat evening after dinner we (he) watched a violent crime drama while I killed time surfing on my tablet. We do not overlap much on the type of films that we enjoy so I usually leave it up to him choose so he is not bored. We then watched a tv episode with a much lighter tone, and nodded off. We don't talk much any more. What's there to talk about when of you doesn't want to talk about the relationship now, and the other person wants to be alone? Mostly I just can't wait to get my house/time back to myself. It was OK on Sunday. We made pecan pancakes and sausages, then took KDog for a mile walk with the sun out. Afterward I folded/put away laundry, and he played guitar for a while, which was nice. Then we went shopping and came home and made tacos for dinner. It feels better when I can do things and not just be stuck in the den with him. And while it was a short walk on a decently nice day, it was still outside and HE brought it up. He doesn't actually prioritize getting some hiking shoes or boots for going real distances or dirt trails however. Which doesnt fit my vision for my life.

Yesterday evening I mostly just listened to S talk through a situation for about 2 hours, then it was time to say good night to Proggy which ran 30 minutes. I was definitely depleted and ready for alone time.

I have booked both additional trips to stay w/my Dad (and see my brother) now and I would like to turn my attention to planning a trip for myself, involving some mountains or Western beauty. A retarding factor is finding competent and inexpensive boarding for KDog. I found someone for the March-April trip but she costs more and 8 days @ $40 in top of other travel costs is more than I was expecting. The usual sitters cannot commit due to their own Spring plans being up in the air. So am considering whether it will be possible to take KDog with on some kind of trip when I get to have my own space. But she is getting older and can't really do much hiking and it would need to be an RV or cabin. At least it's good to have a little free time/headspace today to think about what do I *WANT* to give my attention to this year? And what are the considerations which may change that (Dad, KDog, finances, pandemic)?
 
Sounds like you're getting back to your own self and prioritizing the important things. Not easy in a world full of needs, wants, and distractions.
 
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