Fiera's Diary

Fiera

Active member
Hope you enjoyed pottery class and missing breakfast won't leave you too hungry!
Thank you. I did. I enjoy seeing incremental progress. I spent the class trimming/finishing pieces. I think I like that even more than throwing/pulling. Next week into the glaze we go. I really like our teacher/aide, as well. I may not have the natural eye for it that some do, but slowly as we go I see that I need to smooth the rim, or trim the foot deeper or whatever.

Three hours flies by and I am far too focused to think about being hungry until class is over. I made an active choice to skip the Napoli pizza place by the art school and came home and had chicken-avocado-tortilla wraps instead.

Off to the vet shortly to see whats up with KDog's hind end. Trying to stay optimistic it is something which can be cleared up with meds/treatment and will not require a procedure to diagnose. I am scheduled to go to FL again in a week.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thank you LaMa. We are back home and the diagnosis I will gladly take. She has an extremely angry anal gland, full of blood but no abcess and no lumps or masses. She got an injection of antibiotic+steroid and then will take oral antibiotics for a week. It should clear up. She already seems to be experiencing some relief. It was really hurting while the vet was working on it.
 

Fiera

Active member
Accountability Tracker for Fri Jan 28:
B: Egg+White (87), banana (105), 4 baby bella's-btr (30) = 222 8A
L:
D:
IN:
OUT:
NET:
M/S: 8A
Sleep: Aprx 6 (10-4a ish)
Caffeine: Matcha 5:45A, Blk Tea 7:30A

Exercise Plan: Indoor Track, 3M, bring podcast or music
 
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Fiera

Active member
For the first time this winter, I am ready to be done with the weather. We are having another major snowfall combined with bitterly cold temps...a combination which makes it hard to take care of the snow clearance and taking care of K dog, who simply doesn't want to go out, put boots on etc. I have had major sleep donut holes the past 5 nights and each day I am feeling a bit more fuzzy and tired. My anxiety is ticking up. Bolted awake worried about the boiler, which there is getting to be a lot of corrosion around the new pump installed a couple of years ago. I am feeling a hair less optimistic about getting to a better place in life, but I can't afford to go there with my thoughts.

Instead, I will celebrate that Proggy and I have plans for Sunday which center around an art showing I want to see before it closes. It should be sunny and a bit more comfortable so we hope to spend time visiting the town shops, hitting a cafe etc. That also is a far better plan than today due to the weather.

So today I will make a push to finish backing up photos, pay bills, got to indoor track, shovel snow.

First I need to make matcha and find some warm pants. I may be up for the day (since 4A).
 

Fiera

Active member
Intuition:
I seem to fare better on cals the longer I wait in the day to have meals.
I often eat breakfast earlyish because coffee + empty stomach = ulcer
I drink a cup of coffee after matcha because I "need" the extra caffeine boost, and it helps me stay regular. Would a small cup tea work serve as a substitute if needed?
Reducing caffeine could help with anxiety and help hydration, esp w meds
It seems also to be good to take first meds around 9-10 and 2nd meds around 2-3.
I have been crashing after meals, is this insulin related?
 

Fiera

Active member
I'm a bit bummed and surprised that my weight is up even more than it was up yesterday. 177.8. Of course a change of 1.5 lbs in a few days is likely water related. But I imagined having my period would have helped a bit. Ugh. Well I feel a bit bloated/swollen today anyway. Probably all the salt in the corn chips (with molcajete) the past 2 days.

Well today I am off to a good start. Waiting for snow to stop so it makes sense to go shovel. It's really coming down fast. Everything is super pretty though.
 

Fiera

Active member
Yesterday went off the rails. Having black tea with no bread at breakfast set off what I can only imagine was heartburn or acid reflux. Which then led to me eating all day trying to alleviate things and then finally just eating to be bad and ugly.

Try try again today.

B: 1egg+2whites (104), 1.5 oz salmon (52), mini bagel (120), butter (40) = 316 9:45A
L:
D:
IN:
OUT:
NET:
M/S:
Sleep: 8h in addition to early evening nap last night, was so tired!
Caffeine: Matcha 6:15A, Coffee (mug) 7:30-8:30
 

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Fiera

Active member
The last couple of days have been off the rails and I am going to simple write and try to understand. I have been working (finally) on backing up almost 2 years worth of photos from my phone, figuring out how to do that, then starting to dig into older computer/files and get a structure in place for those, Music, which I haven't had access to literally or emotionally, is back in a functioning capacity. Music is a portal to a lifetime of memories. Old photos, which I haven't even begin to move through yet, Old movies, which were acquired and watched with someone.

Amplifying and facilitating a nostalgia overdose, was a visit to the art exhibition yesterday of TF. The drive to the town where it was being held revealed so much unresolved grief..the newly reconnected music playing the soundtrack - in fact on its own diverting over to - the album which defined my life at the time I met TB. The exhibition itself was a nod to the first time I was exposed to the works of this artist, back when L and I were young and free, and full of life.

I often complain that my memory "doesn't work" any more. But yesterday prices otherwise, When the right prompts are in place, memories are evoked in rich detail. But, they are not visual memories, in the sense of a movie which plays in your head. The visual element is there, in full color, but so are the other senses, and most particularly what it felt like. What it felt like to be young with our whole lives ahead of us. What it felt to feel safe or what it felt like to feel like I had met the man (TB) who, at last, understood that music and that album, the man who I felt like was the man I could spend the rest of my life with. What it felt like to feel like the Universe had finally led me to calmer seas after a tumultuous few years (and btw I was SO wrong about that!) And oh the sadness about the failure of my marriage with L, and just wanting to talk with someone - anyone - and let that pain out. But there is almost no appropriate outlet for that. And so I just shed a lot of tears on the way there and on the way home. I was sad that this is the artist's last show and that I hadn't seen his work in person in 20-odd years and didn't know how much richer the pieces had become, how much I missed along the way. How I miss L's enthusiasm for things. How much I didn't know. How sad I still am. What a selfish person I was. How sad it just all was. Eveything is sad.

Then I talked to my Dad and he mentioned giving up his season hockey tickets next year because it is getting too difficult for him. Well it wouldn't be so hard if he wasn't putting on so much weight and not exercising. The writing is on the wall. They have both given up. Which means that the this is the last year for the condo and also that Peaches has control over what happens from this point. She will move him to be closer to her daughter and further away from me. If he change his state of residence there is a whole additional set of concerns. Mostly I just cannot bear seeing him lose his indepedence and feeling like I am losing control and access to him. And the condo will be gone? And the house up here. All the places which are anchoring and stable.

Add to thar thenear certainty that Proggy and I will break up, that BG has not returned, that AN needs to be kept arms length by necessity, that KDog will be gone, the head of the dog rescue passed, IK is fading and IR is gone and other friends all feel faded... it all feels like I am hurtling towards another period of great emptiness similar to the one after my divorce. At least that time taught me the things one needs to do to survive that kind of deafening silence, I almost didn't make it out. I don't want to experience that kind of loneliness again. But, it feels like a freight train coming at me. Caught between trying to hang on to memories of a rich and complex life, and starting to grasp what is coming with a bit more clarity.

So I eat because I want to drink, because emotions are hard and I don't want to revert to drinking to deal with the pain. But being very overweight and terribly unfit only makes me unable to meet life in other ways. I have in the last weeks wanted to have "just one" drink to take the edge off.

What I don't know is whether this is depression moving in, or whether this is healthy processing of things which I need to see clearly and deal with. I do know that drinking and/or eating are not going to make anything better.

I feel like this is a good place to stop. Going to go give KDog some affection.
 

Fiera

Active member
I just reread the Emerson bit that I posted, good timing. I can be sentimental and nostalgic and full of both wonder and regrets But I have plus or minus 30 years of living left to do, barring catastrophe. If I don't learn to live in the present, it's going to go to waste.
 

Fiera

Active member
Back from a 5-night stay with Dad and Peaches. The reception initially felt uncomfortable and awkward, which was discomforting. By the end of the visit things were on a better track. Peaches is exerting a lot of influence over my Dad and almost immediately upon jumping in the car at the airport he expressed a concern over me seeing my brother and things I might discuss with him, which they both apparently now have drawn some battle lines about. Peaches and her own family act that way and she has introduced those behaviors into our fragile ecosystem. She brings both the good and bad, and she does a lot for my dad, So I try to just work with it while sticking with my views and being flexible and supportive where I can.

I also saw my brother. That went better and was more comfortable and open than expected. There are some issues there that I cannot help him with and can only be supportive.

I no longer can let my relationship with either one cross over into the other. I have for years tried to hold together the remnants of my family of origin. It is no longer my responsibility or objective. My Dad is aligned with Peaches now, and the shift in the past 6 months is palpable. Whats interesting is that I never really understood that the dynamics were those of any adult child whose parent remarries - because they committed that neither wanted to get married, and they respected our pre-existing relationships. But Peaches is digging in now and my dad is becoming dependent, so here we are. I can only hope things end up ok.

There is a lot to think on and of course I can't get into the specifics I really should here, I need to get my will and trust done. I need a real vacation. I came home and there is a nice condo up for sale but it's not really where I want it to be. I go look at it today. I got a bonus period this morning for some reason. S is needing a lot of support right now regarding her relationship. I got really angry at Bg this morning and wanted (again) to unfriend her. What's the point? I am trying to find a cozy place to stay with KDog with a fireplace for a couple of days but everything costs too much. The cold is making me nuts, I desperately want to be somewhere warm and sunny. I feel restless and angry and tired and limited. I miss joy and wonder.

What is wrong with me? I got to see my dad, play with their new dog, take a walk with my brother and his Cdog, stick my toes in the Atlantic, go deep sea fishing, take a "walk" around the park with my dad on his "batmobile", walk around in shorts, watch a game, see cool birds, wave hello to strangers, take a day trip, cook a few meals, and leave with Peaches saying she was realply going to miss me and thanking me. KDog did great at the usual sitters and the vet proclaimed her dine with her ana, gland problem. At pottery I made another step-change in my wheel skills which the instructor commented in, and was happy with the 3 pieces which came out of glaze. Proggy made a beeline for the piece with the design and spontaneously said that I could make and sell those for money - he thought it was that good. I supported a friend who needed an anchor and I made progress on getting my files backed up. Why can't I linger in those moments a little more and feel joy and wonder? It's there a little, but most of the time life just seems so difficult and thick and meaningless.

Then there is hum of big inflation and a shrinking investment portfolio and buying power, and I feel so vulnerable and stupid sitting here doing nothing except watch the retirement I worked so hard for vanishing before I even really get it off the ground.

I am sorry to anyone reading this. I don't mean to be here to be determinedly negative. But I needed an outlet this morning. I need to find my laugh, I miss it. I nedd things to be simpler. I need to make a change. I dont want to sell my house but I can't stay in it any more either. Saying a little prayer to the Universe to help me refill my bucket.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds to me like you might (still?) be dealing with depression. But it also sounds like you´re still taking good care of yourself and getting things done and that´s really admirable!
 

Fiera

Active member
I'm still trying, most of the time. So that's good. Thanks LaMa.

Oh, the blessed stillness of sitting alone in my house, I am overtired from a 2nd 4AM wake-up in a row, 4 hours of sleep. Yest was VDay, Proggy came up on Sun night and he watched Superbowl while I putzed around on comp. On VDay we went to see Art and stopped into a little Italian Place. I am doing the bare minimum. I wanted to try talking about relationship but not long after he arrived he mentioned it was the birthday of a deceased person he was missing and he was melancholy. The situation is oppressing me mentally and spiritually. Behaving in ways I don't condone, pushing him away with frigidity because I am not free to talk.

I had the realization after a talk Sun AM with AN that I am no longer getting much friendship there and it feels like he is talking w me as he would a therapist. From time to time we do talk about what is going on w me but he turns everything into a psych analysis. So I need to back off there as well.

I can't say I mindsolitude right now. Long term the isolation is not healthy. But I need a break from being everyone's unpaid therapist.

Happy to say I sent Proggy home w a few things that had accumulated - he would say he wanted a book or a tray or something but never take it home. I told him it wasn't acceptable and I those needed things gone. Making even a small dent in clutter always feels good.

I hope to take a nap and the a walk with KDog since the sun is out (yay).
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds to me like he knows why you want to talk and he just wants things to go on the way they are rather than changing or ending the relationship. You are allowed to respect that but you're also allowed to have your own needs.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thank you LaMa. I clearly am oppressed by putting his needs before my own. But he asked me to not to talk about the relationship while he is going through hard times (out of work). He starts a new job tomorrow and is still interviewing with a couple of others, after already leaving one job after 2 days (which was a decision I supported). I am realizing however as much as I want to see him succeed and get out of his depression, it's the same old story as with AN - there is never going to be a good time to end it, and in the meantime, I just become someone I am ashamed of. And Proggy is such a good, decent human being, it's really a shame that I don't feel a desire to move forward together. But we are just too different, I think, in what moves us.

I woke up today in a continued tired, slow motion, depressed funk. Irish friend rached out via email and asked where I was. I just sort of filled her in with a couple of paragraphs starting with "I don't fully know" and then talking about supporting family, Proggy, and S. Then SB reached out for the first time in weeks and instigated a dog walk before the bad weather returns later today. Suddenly I had a reason...a reason to shower, get dressed, and go get exercise. It was wonderful! And time simply just connecting and exercising without feeling the burden of supporting someone. It filled my bucket right back up! So I do need connection, just a different kind, a lightness of spirit, some laughs and stories. Thank you SB! Not just for the walk but for shining a brighter light on what I need for myself right now.

I am going to make a point of connecting with other "old friends" to rekindle some joy and feel more like my old self again.

Smiling. Finally.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I am glad you had a lovely day. Old friends are so good for us. You have reminded me that we must contact some of ours. Our son is going through something similar in realising that he needs to put an end to a relationship that is not good for him, but kindly & without causing too much pain. It's very difficult, but honesty is important & it isn't kind in the long run to prolong a relationship that is just not right.
 

Fiera

Active member
Hi ladies - Cate, LaMa, and Vic. Thank you for visiting and your ongoing encouragement and support. I really appreciate it!

Am coming off a few listless days, brought on by being trapped in the house with more snow, ice, wind and generally miserable and unsafe weather conditions. Yesterday finally warmed up in dramatic fashion. Proggy came up and we got out of the house, ran a few errands, walked KDog around PPark, and the made dinner. He didn't intend to stay over since his new job is near his house. Once again when teetering on the brink of having a conversation about the relationship, I asked him if he wanted to talk yet and he said not yet, but then a bit later he said he just didn't want to "be blown out of the water" (i.e. dumped). I made him comfortable that this is the start of a conversation. So we did talk about it. He made some good points, which if they were off the cuff, were surprisingly good, but maybe he has been preparing, or has done this in prior relationships. He complimented what he likes about me, highlighted our similarities and character, and acknowledged our differences in interests. I guess I find those differences a burden, and I described how difficult it was for me to move forward with activities I like when he doesn't take his own interest in learning or planning things, in getting necessary equipment. Its all up to me and he just wants to show up....and in my marriage I was the breadwinner and L did most of the planning and relationship maintenance and *I* just showed up.

I am not looking to date someone else. But I am looking to make new friends who know how to do things like hiking and camping and kayaking to do things with. If Proggy wants to do these things, he has to show a real interest in investing time and a little bit of money. I pointed out that any time he wants to go with me and only do a mile because he doesn't have the right shoes or his legs are tired or whatever, is an afternoon I could have spent doing 3-5 miles, and that is the minimum hike that makes sense for me since we have to drive a ways to get to a decent hiking spot. So it comes down to whether we can really be partners or just friends and "chosen family". It was a naturally flowing talk once we got out of the way that this wasn't a cliff and that we both care about each other and can continue to support each other regardless of what we decide. I think it was timely because now that he has a new job that he likes and he knows what his commute will be like, he can start thinking about options of where to move to which aren't as isolated as his current location. He needs to be among more people and make new friends and neighbors and he know this. Since we aren't going to be combining households so if ever, he needs to think about where he can be among people, And he openly admits that he needs this very much.

So it was a good talk. No decisions. The palpable tension in my body from holding things in and not being able to express my truth released almost immediately. It was good to have an adult conversation with "I have doubts" and "Neither one of us did anything wrong" and "We both still care about each other". So we are in this nice place where I feel like I can be open again and be more at liberty to pursue what I need to. And hope that he continues to pursue what HE needs to.

I really would like to find the person(s) to grow old with. Proggy wouldn't be a bad choice really. As a human being he is loyal and trustworthy. That alone wins him a lot of credit. Maybe we just need to individually navigate our life transitions and see where we end up. In any event, being able to finally start talking about it is such a release for me. Being authentic is essential to happiness and peace. I hope I learn something from this, that sitting on a truth for a year to spare someone else (I did the same thing with AN) steals something essential from myself - from both of us. And there are ways to crack the door open without having all the answers, without crushing someone, and giving air and space for the truth to bubble up.

It is hard to watch someone you care about deeply struggle through hard times. And you don't want to add to that burden at that worst possible time. But a year...and entire year...that I have waited to start this dialog. I think the bullying situation at work taught me to suffer in silence....though perhaps root of that can be seen even earlier in my family of origin. Maybe the lesson here is to know your truth - speak your truth - but learn to do it in consistently kind and gentle manner. What is that saying about removing the waspish sting of the word "no"?

I hope that this is the start of me regaining a more authentic self and connecting with my heart. I feel like I have been so frozen up over Proggy, the house, my Dad/Peachew etc. I pray for the Universe to liberate my heart and spirit from overthinking. I pray that I may feel the right way forward.

I felt angry with BG this morning for a short time. I really don't see the point of remaining friends on social, or mentally/emotionally being open to explore things if she reconnects. The last I hear from her led to me believe it was her intention to eventually communicate to me. If silence is "punishment" why would I want to open myself up to that person? If distancing is self-preservation then why not be truthful about breaking off the friendship? Was the last year of our friendship her not wanting to pull the rug out during *my* difficult time? Was natural course of our shared interest/experience fading out? Has she just decided in the interim to ghost me, rather than take the trouble to let me know, even though she knows that would be cruel? She probably doesn't deserve the time I am even spending on it. But she was the closest thing I have had to a female best friend since I was about 10 years old. I find fault with myself more than with her, and I also know that sometimes friendships simply run their course. But I deserve better than how things have (probably) ended. I am thinking about authenticity and wondering if she feels like she has been inauthentic towards me, whether that bothers her. Or whether she feels like she is righteously entitled to give me the silent treatment. I still have hopes for the best in her character but am prepared for the worst. I need to move on from this topic.

The sun is finally peeking out and I am waiting for it to warm up a bit further before heading out, as the thawing ice puddles are very cold on KDogs paws. Still deciding where to walk where perhaps we can avoid ice, but very tired of the same old neighborhood circuit. Maybe the outdoor mall area or the L trail.

In any case, in conclusion, I feel somewhat more connected with my authenticity today and I like the feeling.
 
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