I signed up to another apprenticeship this morning, unpaid, but hopefully will give me the skills I need. I'll have to be very careful of my time.
I need to apply to more jobs today but also work on some networking, so I am planning to reach out to 2 people a day with networking requests. I mean, what else can I do.
Re: paid work, couple thoughts,
1) I could just start an online store and see how it goes -> get ecomm experience in between
2) I could do some paid advertising behind my current website
3) Upload my portfolio onto upwork
It feels like a lot but sometimes I think I'm just more scared and anxious of things vs them actually happening.
Today I need to prep for a couple interviews, I am not 100% keen on them, but I booked them for interview practice.
Thanks Cate xoxo hopefully somewhere somethings works out, I am feeling very burnt out from the rejection / unemployment and I am noticing that it's impacting my interview skills, it's hard to go in with the same energy and enthusiasm as you know as having an interview when you're working still. I've been feeling really emotionally detached from everything lately. But I'll give it my best tomorrow. Going to wake up early and practice.
I felt really down yesterday, my first interview (with a higher pay scale) did not go well, they said I have an experience gap, which I will get over the next month or two through my volunteer work. For the second, the hours are in PST and it's a smaller company, they even asked me if I wanted to work PT - who which my response was what...no I need something FT lol
I have a couple other interview requests in my mailbox but one doesn't pay as much and the other is in cannabis - I am getting the strangest opps. Nothing feels like a fit and I wonder how long I have to hold out for paid work, and work that pays what I am worth.
Anyways, the upside of feeling like absolute crap was not eating that much and weighing in at 111.4lbs this morning. Six more lbs to go.
I was thinking about the dad of three and how he said I looked 8 - 12lbs heavier than my dating profile pics. Well now I am almost 8lbs lighter than when I met him. At 110lbs, I will have been 8lbs lighter. I don't want to see him again, there was no physical chemistry and I did not appreciate the ghosting, but yeah, kind of want to say like, take that, man.
I had a video call with someone yesterday - dad of one - dads are interesting. They are grounded...and boring. Single men tend to be way more exciting. Anyways, he was very good looking, approachable and educated and I just did not feel a connection with him. I think it was the same for him, I don't think he liked me visually. But like....geez, I am not ugly but I am no model either. In fact, he was too good looking for me. I just need a regular nerdy, quirky guy, not someone who looks modelesque. I don't think I could keep up with someone that looks perfect. It's just a different league. And leagues exist.
I'm trying not to let rejection get to me. Like job-wise or guy-wise. I don't know what the universe is preparing me for, but repeated heartbreak must be making me better in some way. I don't think it necessarily hurts less, I think it just makes you more weary of the world around you,
I got the moderna vaccine yesterday and I feel like shit. I may have a date for this weekend - I don't know. No date or time set yet. It's the dad of one. Can call him S. He's like way too good looking for me. Also very different from the usual men I date. I usually date like nerdy sweet types. He's like super athletic and macho...in a way lol. I don't know how else to describe him. Anyways, zero expectations like usual. Also I have to remember everyone is talking to everyone else.
I'm like at 110.6lbs (most of it is water weight lost) and I still feel fat. I don't look slim. Maybe it's the weight distribution? I haven't been doing any weight training because gyms have been closed.
Continuing to apply to apps with the little energy I have today. Just a couple, I don't feel well enough for more.
CW: 110.6lbs - 5 more lbs to go....wonder how long it will take. Planning to get in a long walk this afternoon.
I'm tired of chasing boys and online dating. So I am giving myself a break. Came across this good quote by Lisa Nichols, my job is not to make you like me, my job is to like me. I feel a bit bothered by lack of communication by S. but I can't let it consume me, like why would I need a complete stranger to validate me. This is why I want to practice some emotional detachment. I think things will get better when I have employment and have less time to think about trivial stuff.
I really like that quote too! I have some fixing health-wise to like me but I like me otherwise.
Yeah dating is bs right now. lol. S. did contact me. He was sick. But at this point I feel like...what's the point seeing people and having them ghost me in the end. It feels so ...useless. Anyways, I don't believe anything until it gets past a few dates...which I have been maxing out at two lol. I just need to protect my emotions and my heart a bit. I have given it away too easily in the past and been broken hearted. Men approach this in such a logical fashion and I should too.
T's update is that we netted out at friends, which is fine. I wasn't super into him in the beginning and I respect his decision even though I was willing to explore it further. I am not heartbroken, it has been too long since we last saw each other.
Anyways, today I weighed in at 109.6lbs but I don't think that's accurate as I had been sick for a few days and it's probably just water weight. I anticipate that will go up. But the weird thing is I don't feel I look much lighter, I still have flab and a bit of a double-chin and the hormones are definitely impacting me too because I have the hormonal belly shape and the back fat. I'm going to keep going with the weight loss and see how I feel at 105lbs, emotions and body-wise. I don't want to go too low and wreck my hormones. They are already wrecked. I don't want to accelerate the damage.
Gyms opened but you have to wear a mask indoors....which is just dumb. I can't see how that's healthy. I have trouble wearing it when it's super warm.
Anyways, I am getting out to see my dad and little sister for a bit, will take a walk and will come back and finish up a few job apps. I have an interview on Tuesday...the job is weird (PST hours and I don't even know what the salary is) but I am going to interview for practice.
The gyms have opened I checked out mine today, it was so empty and I love it. Going to try to take advantage of it before it gets full easily.
Diet has been so-so, has not been great to be honest. I could do better.
Re: body, so...I am just not looking fit, I don't know how else to describe it. I have a lot of weight in my thighs and waist and back and I remember saying this last time I hit 108.6lbs which was back in 2019, I think I may have to go down to 100lbs. I'm going to have to see how I feel at 105lbs but from what I can see, I could definitely go down to 100lbs. So I am going to make goal #1 105lbs and then goal #2 for next month 100lbs.
I went to the gym today. Pretty tired, the gym always leaves me winded which is why I usually work out in the evenings. Working out earlier in the day just ruins the rest of the day for me, am too tired to do anything else.
TW end of week/early next week: 107lbs. That would be amazing heading into the long weekend.
The boring part of my life is that I am continuing to job-hunt...which feels endless to be honest. lol. The more drama-filled part of my life is that...
I went on a date with S. and it was good..but definitely some red flags. He has a 7-year old, divorced, kid sounds frustrating to deal with. Ex wife sounds a bit crazy - but I am also only hearing the story from his side. Last gf he had, they broke up only three months ago so he's pretty fresh out of a relationship and it showed...talked about his ex a lot... I'm feeling like a therapist most times. I don't mind talking about it as a friend and as a person, sometimes people need to hash things out with strangers to get perspective...but like I'm hearing it a lot from him. I've asked him a couple times if he's even ready to be dating...and even though he says he's ready to move ahead and 'take things slow'....I think there's a lot of unresolved feelings there.
The thing is I have been here before. I have been the 'rebound' and I have been the one that gets no emotional space, because there is none, and I am tired of it. It is not a good space to be in - it gets emotionally exhausting and someone that is potentially not the right fit takes up rent in my mind.
Second thing that sort of indicated he's not ready is that whenever there has been chemistry on a first date, I've always gotten a kiss. Like most of the time. This time I decided to go in for a peck and the reaction on his part was one of ... like shock? lol I don't even know how to describe it. He did talk to me about it later saying he wasn't ready for it. And I've never ever heard a guy say he wasn't ready for a kiss. Like ever. Which just confirms he's not emotionally available. I also think he may move, he's applying to masters programs that may be in another city but that's up in the air. Anyways, a lot of drama with this one even though I like him. I don't know. I like most men I end up seeing, maybe my standards are too low. But I'm proud of myself for being a bit more perceptive after all the crash and burn situations I have had.
Pros of S. are that he's sociable, pretty honest and seems level headed. He's one of the better looking men I've gone out with but seems to have a lot of insecurities..that he's pretty open about. We are not in the same space emotionally and even our intimacy preferences are different. So it worries me.
Today is attempt one million and 1 to quit coffee. I want to cry. But also I just want my hair back. Coffee vs hair.
I am going to be on progesterone therapy for two more cycles. And if my period does not stabilize by then, then I will go back onto birth control...unfortunately. Changes I am incorporating is celery juice, incorporating wheat barley grass juice (tastes yuck), getting off of caffeine and castor oil packs. I also have to remember to take my supplements daily and start using my pill box.
I have noticed I am waking up earlier, which is good. I am sleeping through the night. My energy levels aren't great but it's also because I am not ovulating.
Gunning for 107lbs by the end of the month.
Really need to get my head in the game this week and focus on job apps and interviewing. The place I volunteer at has opened up a discussion for stipend which is phenomenal because then I can actually get help with rent money while I continue to look for a FT job. Nothing confirmed yet though.
Re: boys...ugh. Boys are idiots. lol I want to push them aside for a bit while I focus on survival.
This week have to build a networking plan and be aggressive. I have a couple companies I want to target in particular. I also need to start building my interview examples. Goal weight for this week is netting out at 106 - 107lbs.
Worried about my hair...my coffee consumption is pretty much minimal, I am down to 1/4 a cup a day. I think I am going to leave it at that and focus on the gut health otherwise.
Binge ate yesterday, didn't really exercise either. Didn't care to be honest. Just had bloodwork show that my prolactin and stress hormones are high. I'm not sure if the prolactin is high because of my pituitary tumour, I need an MRI done anyways. It was just depressing as I thought it was non-active. My doc will probably have me repeat the prolactin test. I just don't want more drugs...they have the worst side effects....the prolactin is interfering with my ovulation....ugh. I feel like throwing in the towel and getting onto birth control and letting my body go to hell. It doesn't feel like mine anymore...it hasn't felt like mine for a long time.