Fiera's Diary

Llama said:
Was it you who told me "action kills anxiety"? If yes you're really practicing what you preach!
Click to expand...
I probably did share that epiphany at one time. It is important to not confuse busy-ness with action though. I am still a master at avoidance, but as of late I am getting better at identifying the sensations in my body and calling myself out on it. Plus, the sense of satisfaction in resolution is self-reinforcing.

Luckily, boiler guy came over and replaced the leaking valve on the expansion tank. It took a while for me to get what he was saying, why I didn't need to replace the old valve with the same kind, because someone had since installed a shutoff between the boiler and the expansion tank. I was clenching every muscle in my body while he was cutting off old pipe, hoping it wasn't going to cause a leak somewhere else in the system. He was here for less than an hour and charged me a very fair price, and I feel a lot better now. Also I sent him home with a few treats for his doggie. 😄

Saylor asked for a reschedule of our book talk today as she has not read the chapters and she just got back from a school open house. Plus Proggy and I agreed to just skip until next weekend. So I find myself in a position where I only have the rescue President to debrief with after 5 (note: set 45 minute time boundary). I can work on guitar a bit and get organized for the week ahead. Tuesday is my first primary care doc visit in a few months so I need to make organizing my notes and questions a priority for tomorrow.

I have that feeling like I am still trying to do too many things at once. I will make the to do list electronic that will help.
 
OK so I have decided that while keeping the to-do list electronic makes sense, primarily so that I don't have to recopy the things which didn't get done or are further out, it is far less satisfying than having a piece of paper to write things on and carry with me to the store etc.. So maybe it becomes a long range planner/organizer to offload things while a weekly list continues to manifest in hard copy form. I will keep at it and find what works.

It is Monday AM. I was surprised to see a note from AN arrive in my inbox around 8:15. Simply "Thank you for the heartfelt and beautifully written note." In response to the one I sent to him on Tues Jan 17. Maybe he needed time and space to process. No doubt his former girlfriend's visit is past. It occurs to me that he may be doing what TB was doing, which is turn his attention to me once the whatever flavor of the moment he was chasing didn't work out. I historically gave AN more credit than that and the explanation I would traditionally have said is that he gave it some time and waited until his head and emotions were clear before responding. Whatever. I will send the song along once I have it done, and that is not even ON the current version of the to-do list. Pretty sure I am avoiding it because I don't want emotions to distract me from productivity, Oh, how I need to keep practicing letting the emotions come and still remaining functional. You'd think by the time you were in your 50's you would stop reacting like a teenager...but certainly one could see in my case exactly why I got *stuck* there.

In any event I am in a far better place when I don't allow myself to get derailed emotionally by a man. So that can just sit in the corner and I am going to go back to my to-do list. I am excited that today's goal is to prepare for my doc appt tomorrow, in the context of decluttering my medical history and where I am at today. There is a lot of it! That is a pile which keeps going back and forth from the dining room to the spare bedroom. Am going to try to put salient history into a word doc and scan anything worth keeping from old files, then purge them. There is so much paper it is not really working as a reference any more. Decluttering is power, and I am so grateful to be in a place where I can think a lot more clearly and Doooooo it!
 
Yay. It was supposed to be extremely cold today. And it is around 2 degrees right now, but there is little wind and the *sun* is shining! Blink. Blink! DDog went out in his heaviest coat and a pair of 'Dog's booties and seemed proud and excited to show off. He was distracted by squirrels but he did do his business before we got too uncomfortably cold.

We are about to turn the page on January and in 4 short weeks March will be here. The days are getting noticeably longer and the dogs seem content to let me sleep in.

I feel pretty content this morning. My lower back pain (likely from gut inflammation) was worse when I first got up this morning, but is improving. Deep dish cheese pizza Sunday and cheese sticks yesterday (along with chihuahua cheese on 3 tacos. Plus some mini triscuits left over from the transport Thursday. Bad food choices. I have exhausted most of my refrigerator and will go grocery shopping today or tomorrow.

Need to finish prepping for Guru Doc appt this morning. Found an interesting poster session of a retrospective study on people with HLA-B51. Directionally I think we are narrowing in on what is / has been going on (probably for years with a variety of transient and seemingly unrelated symptoms.) Definitely time to up my anti-inflammatory game.
 
Counteracting chronic inflammation is almost always worthwhile. May February go easy on you and may March bring spring!
 
Coming here to try to reground. I had trouble prepping for Guru doc appt. So many
details and questions and entirely too much history. Plus, I was really no expecting him to drive an agenda using a white board and doing goal setting for the year. I was expecting to talk about what has been learned and what does and doesn't make sense but he was in more of a health coach mode. And a lot more hands off than he typically has been w/r/t diagnostics. He may be deliberately making a shift but if that is the case then all the more reason to trial another primary care.

I am however moving forward with getting a functional nutrition/diet coach on board who has exerperience with autoimmune/anti inflammatory. I focused a lot in our call today today on inflammation, gut inflammation, inflammatory foods. He brought up 5-day fast, and I might be game but I don't want to use the Prolon box because the foods are all highly processed. So that means either a water fast or maybe something which allows cucumbers or something. 5 days seems an insane proposition for a girl who can't even get through one evening, But that is why I want the coach. And I want some help figuring out meals even beyond that.

I was pretty lost before during and after the appointment, muddled, anxiety. Yeah there is a ton of stuff and not having the salient points down to 2/3 page makes it challenging to be clear. And if my mind is not clear then the feedback is not going to be on target. Plus Guru Doc admitted to having anxiety and panic attacs, during the pandemic and going on meds for a while.,.he seemed to be jumping all over the place, I could not follow.

Add to that not smoking today because I ended a pack and trying to re-quit; withdrawal will absolutely make you jumbled and anxious.

I can't afford to get another day behind; that is to say, let this day end without having gotten where I need to with these medical records. It is not looking good though, My brain is fuzzy and I am craving chocolate and there is none in the house, Maybe I will just nap. I took 1/2 xanax to try to relax. zzzzzzzzz
 
Ugh. I went downstairs and ate the rest of the chocolate donut holes left over from the transport. Total binge, like 10 of them. They were in the freezer saving for the next transport but I can't keep stuff in the house. I didn't want it here and this is why.

Then I hop on social only to see my doc posting about some training he did at the gym today, and it just made me feel like yeah, that is what he really wants to do, he wants to train and coach, he doesn't want to solve medical mysteries any more. Especially with patients who can't or won't be comsistently compliant to their plan.

Feeling broken (temporarily). It will pass. I am absolutely toast for the day. I just want to go to bed and put these records off til tomorrow. Maybe I have to.
 
Guru Doc sounds like he's in his manic pixie dream girl stage of life... Kind of exhausting and maybe not the most helpful. I've done an 80-hour water fast before when my eczema was really bad because people promised all these wonderful autophagy benefits. All it did was make me feel horrible and cause me to binge myself into oblivion after. Doesn't mean it can't work for anyone but it's definitely not a guarantee, expensive supplements have generally not been proven to work, and autophagy occurs after exercise as well.
 
I had to look up that word, autophagy, as he did not use it, but he did describe the benefits which it pertains to. Out with the bad, to make room for the good. Helpful. Thanks. I am sorry to hear that it didn't work for you and led to binging, which is a bit of a concern for me too. If I have no structured eating now I certainly won't have it after not eating for 5 days. Were you entirely b*tchy? I can't afford to be b*tchy or low energy right now. Though he was on day 2 and bragging about going to the gym and bench pressing his top weight because he was running hot.
 
"Manic pixie dream girl" is funny and at the same time, perfectly descriptive. I am thinking he might be bipolar. Either manic or having terrible anxiety which is causing him to churn in panic. Either way I have an appt with a female GP in April so I can comparison shop. She is a long way away though so still looking for other referrals.
 
So, I sit here at 8:20 get situated for the day ahead.

I did got thru some old medical files and purge more paper last night. Not finished but at least it is less stuff and more focused. I am still not clear on the best way to organize but imagine that eventually it will all move electronic or get tossed.

Today was designated day for the dog rescue. Catching up on to-do's, sanitzing the basement floor, folding towels, doing some decorating. Also need to run to the office supply store and get a weight on DDog at the vet. Grocery shopping probably some time this afternoon along with a longer walk as it will be back up to almost 30.

Got an email from a record label I used to follow. How far away all that feels now. If L was in my life no doubt that was have been better sustained. I guess it doesn't matter, but I do feel like I have drifted. The important thing is to keep,listening to my heart as I rebuild my life and my community, and do what seems to draw my heart in. I will always love that old music, but maybe I don't have the energy, intensity for it anymore. There is a difference between going to shows where everyone sits and going to shows clad in leather jackets and boots and it is a hot sweating seething mass of human flesh.

Or maybe L - or whoever I was dating - was a resource that made doing that stuff more fun and accessible. It is no doubt more tiring when you don't have a wing and your actual wingman is not interested in those kinds of things, Maybe Curly Bubbly is right, I do have a broken picker. Or maybe there are just things I value, like trust and compassion, that are not so easy to find.

Hence, I find myself surrounding myself with dogs and dog people.

Eh. Not going anywhere special with this post. Going to go have brekkie and then get to work.
 
You can do a lot worse than dogs and dog people, that's for sure.
Fiera said:
Were you entirely b*tchy? I can't afford to be b*tchy or low energy right now. Though he was on day 2 and bragging about going to the gym and bench pressing his top weight because he was running hot.
Click to expand...
I did it over a long weekend I didn't plan much for so I wouldn't have anyone to bitch at but I was entirely miserable and definitely not running hot or setting any personal records at the gym. My completely unfounded assumption is therefore that the expensive supplement he's trying to sell you is 95% cocaine :rotflmao:
 
I will say that when you have been eating poorly like I have and you switch to clean eating you can notice a pretty big reduction in inflammation and energy boost as the immune-reacting components leave your system. Day 2 sounds about right. After than I imagine that you crash and it becomes a total mind - body crisis.
 
It's been a while but I think I was reasonably ok for the first day and a half and things went downhill from there.
 
Llama said:
It's been a while but I think I was reasonably ok for the first day and a half and things went downhill from there.
Click to expand...
Good to know.

I am still avoiding the cigarettes so it looks like I have managed to wean off them again.

Lunch was some chili made with browned ground turkey, peeled tomatoes (in sauce), black beans, red kidney beans, roasted corn and red roasted peppers. Some deep dark dried Mexican peppers and chili power, salt, pepper, sage, and a little cumin. Its not bad. Corn bread on the side next time.

Went out and grocery shopped, stopped at office supply for stuff to decorate basement, and got an updated weight on DDog. Home now, put groceries away, both dogs are napping and I feel like I am sliding towards a nap myself.
 
Guru doc ordered the fasting mimicking diet kit. 5 days. I guess I will start it Monday. Lets hope I don't kill anyone, On the bright side, fewer dishes to do.

Was interesting looking at sleep patterns guru doc had me post for the past month. Many days are beautiful. There are a couple of short sleep nights. But in the middle there is a 5 day stretch with zero REM sleep. 17th-21st. I went back and looked at what was going on those days. AN email, prepping for Neuro, Proggy, prepping for the haul also. Probably too much on my mind.

I put the radiant heater in my bedroom and need to put a couple of beds for the dogs if I am going to try sleeping in there again. It will be cramped. And silly to buy extra beds for a dog which is not going to be here long. I wish the warehouse store still sold suitable cheap beds.

****************

Wrote that last night, never finished posting.

Watched movie Sideways while I folded and put away laundry, got sleepy, It is warmer out now (almost Freezing) and I am able to let DDog out for a night time potty break in the yard (accompanied of course and with a harness to grab him if he tries to jump the fence). That makes life simpler.

Somehow didn't get to bed until after 12. I was watching movie and suddenly movie was way ahead. Twice. Just blinked out. I made myself get up and turn off and go get into the bed. For the first time since at least before I got DDog, how much longer I don't know. There is no bed for him in there. With the space heater, although about as safe a kind as you can get, I still don't like having it on around bedding or dogs. I decided to just see what happened. DDog had to adjust to it; he came back in there several times to whine and stick his head up atop my tall bed to poke me and get attention. But ultimately he went back into the den and settled himself. This was actually a good test to see how he handles is. The only drawback was that he was in there at 5:30 this morning, waking me up, so here I am.

This morning I have congestion/allergy symptoms and itchy eyelids. Am running a humidifier so I suspect something I ate yesterday. It was a lot but here is a capture:

Brekkie: TJ chicken breakfast sausage, eggs. Possibly a keto friendly tortilla.

Chili: TJ roasted corn, roma tomatoes/sauce, red roasted pepper, red kidney beans, black beans, salt, pepper, chili powder, cumin, dried sage, mexican dried pepper.

Snack: Reduced guilt chips potato chips, dark choc thin bars, heritage flakes w raw sugar (water). Plain whole milk yougurt w a tad of museli and flax seed.

My money is on the chili powder, cumin, and/or corn. Possibly tomatoes. As usual with me quantity of something matters, and I consumed a vast amount of chili yesterday. I already had back pain/abdominal swelling yesterday (gut inflammation?) so dumping something else aggravating on top of it would have just fed the fire. Well - today I plan to make pork tenderloin and salad. I usually roll/rub the tenderloin in spices and grill it. I will need to leave the usual spices off the pork and make it more plain today; going to scope out a couple of recipes.

Today is cleaning lady and I do appreciate being up early so I have extra time to prepare. The house is in somewhat better shape. Yesterday was dedicated to dog stuff and I was delighted to get a message from GP saying she will take all the stuff that I don't want; she can make seasonal baskets and the like. I just need to cull stuff for fosters as they come in. The bags of food can go to the kennel facility.

Today's focus is set to be taxes. Specifically, pulling documentation for 2022 charitable deductions and creating a system for 2023 to include scanning receipts and logging miles in an organized (and backed up manner). Less clutter more free time is the goal.

Should be another nice day so hoping KDog will be willing to go for a walk. She did not yesterday which was suprising.

OK, off to have a productive Thursday!
 
Sorry to hear you're struggling with allergies: here it was the first official hazel allergy day even though we had snow in the morning.
 
Busy busy and tired.

Did not get quite enough sleep last night. I slept IN my bed for the first time in a couple of months. But DDog took some time to adjust to it, Then this morning he got me up at 5:30. So only about 5 hours of sleep.

Hoping Proggy will call me soon. His boss got let go today, that is his 2nd boss to get let go since he was hired on a year ago. That is distressing even if he feels his job is fairly secure. Lots of things changing since the merger with Foreign co...

Took a couple hour break to drive to a northwestern village to pick up more coats for the incoming hounds near the end of Feb. Found a scrapper who will take the fridge/freezer out of my basement for the metal. He may be coming tomorrow in spite of the cold, tho I told him next week is fine. A woman also wants to come try on my ski boots. I scanned and eliminated paper for all my gyne files more than 5 years old. I will get rid of a whole lot more paper once I got thru the 2022 tax receipts; there was a sh*t ton of medical, including deductibles, premiums, copays etc. Things like supplements can if deducted if prescribed by a doctor to correct a condition (like my Iron, magnesium, and B-12 but not necessarily a multivitamin. I can't possibly get everything but I am going for the easy stuff, not the crumbs, initally. Oh, you get to include parking and mileage too. It's a lot of work, but it can save me thousands potentially in my tax bill so....gotta do it.

OK I have to go.

Just also want to note I received the NICEST email from one of the Board members of the dog rescue group.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top