Fiera's Diary

Well. Slept in the bedroom again, but DDog got me up at 4 since his last break had been at about 6:30. That's fine - but 2 attempts to take him out in the yard yielded nothing except me being wide awake. So now sitting in the den having a matcha, did the wordle and sent that off to S. Looked up Toolboy for some reason. Using the space heater to warm up the den so I don't have to turn the entire boiler system up. I feel uneasy using space heaters though. It is -1 out atm. Will try to get back to sleep for a bit.

Didn't make satisfactory progress on Taxes yesterday, largely because I let dog stuff take over. So will table guitar focus I had planned for today and get more done on Taxes.

Curly Bubbly at 10. Scrapper at 11. Ski Boots lady at 11:30. If all goes like clockwork I will have gotten 2 items out of my house and put $30 in my fund for dog rescue supplies/furnishings.

I'm hungry for some reason. Rare in the morning, I didn't snack per se last night, I did however have 2 chicken sandwiches for dinner (plus a side salad). Maybe I will make some bacon - in the microwave so it doesn't matter if I doze off.
 
Well CB was great. Scrapper must have decided to come next week. Lady came for ski boots but they did not fit her calves. Ski season is halfway over or more, so chances of selling them are slim to none. More and more it is clear you really just need to be selective on what you will sell and anything else you give away. At least you get it out of the house.

Making good progress on medical deductions at the moment.

Just had two beef hot dogs and a nice asian slaw salad which included cabbage. I used to avoid those salad kits in the grocery store as being an unnecessary expense. However I am starting to look at it differently. If having premade chopped salads gets me to eat better out of my fridge, then the health benefits are worth it. Expecting to do more of that in the future. Maybe not eat the entire salad in one sitting though.

Using my fireplace heater today. It has proven the perfect investment to offset the cold off the front room windows which in turns keeps the dining room temp (where I am working) more moderated. Since the thermostat is in the DR, it thinks the house is warmer which means the boiler runs less and the rest of the house I am not using stays cooler. My guess is with the cost of natural gas that this arrangement actually saves me money. I get more use out of the sunny front part of the house, a nice change of venue. And the unit has a timer I *always* set when using, and I unplug it when not, so I feel relatively safeish about it (compared to the heater for the bedroom).

Back to work!
 
Using the fireplace heater sounds like a smart plan, as does having the coleslaw mix. It would be less waste too I would think. You can also use it for stir-fries.
 
Yay, Saturday morning DDog got me up at 4 since I fell asleep at 10 and he needed to go out. I am behind on everything. Dog stuff, tax stuff. I am free feeding around the clock and am aware that I need to have a mental strategy before heading into a fast for the first time.

Hoping to knock out some stuff soon because Proggy is coming and that will consume about 24 hours.

I need to get to the bottom of my shower/tub leak soon.
 
I was still tidying up the house when Proggy arrived yesterday. I took the time to flat iron my hair, it is getting quite long, just the right length to pull back or wear down. Just needs some color attention. Sigh. It's like laundry, never-ending, I can understand why people eventually let it go.

After some deliberation we picked an Italian place in PR which he had previously heard of and had good reviews. A little pricey but the food and service were both remarkable. Portions could have been slightly larger for the mobey, but very satisfying. I had a penne pasta with fennel sausage dish, a sophisticated cream based sauce which is not at all my normal fare, but I was fixated on getting the fennel sausage and it was very good.

After we walked DDog and then took a drive to the lakefront. The wind was stupidly cold so we only stepped out for a few minutes to take a couple of photos, then we sat in the car for a bit with the radio on, talking a little. I don't know why this is the first time I drove to this viewing spot in the winter...typically I go for the view from the south, but this view from the north was pretty too, though the empty boat slips looked a little forlorn. The moon was just about full but obscured by a thin cloud layer.

After home, I conked hard before 10. Slept in the recliner and DDog let me sleep until 7:30. I did 30 mins with meditation group. We had brekkie and then DDog got a bath. We went to the conservatory near the zoo and hung out there. It was a warmer sunny day and folks generally seemed cheered by the appearance of better weather. A taste of Spring Fever perhaps.

We picked up some Mexican from the place down the road. Really shocking that there was virtually no meat in our burritos, not normal for them at all. Then it was timeto pack Proggy up and get him out of her so I could have my call with Saylor. I had pushed it back so as to not break up time with Proggy. Now she has beco e hung up and we still have not had our call; she says she will call after dinner. I spent a little time logging in the bills I paid last night and looking for a Depeche Mode concert ticket. So very expensive; I would pay quite a lot for a good seat but they are so much it becomes a matter of conscience as well as affordability.

The term "ashes in your mouth" kind of captures it. Would I feel guilty paying that much for a great seat for my favorite band, or would I wish I had sent half of that about to Irish Friend or AN or helped someone out with it. And yet, isn't this what me worked hard, sacrificed for, so we can do the things which bring us joy? Not going to get stuck in dwelling land but if this feels unsettled for long I will do some more focused journaling on the topic. Really, guilt and shame are not terribly useful emotions when it comes to making myself happy.
 
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I forgot to add, I was sitting in the recliner last night around 9, getting ready to doze off while Proggy was watching a bit of tv to get sleepy. Was catching up on social and I received a notification that AN liked a comment I had made. So I follow the trail and it is something months old, he had posted some boxer shorts with little lobsters on them and I had remarked about them being cute. That was all. TBH I am a little pissed about it. If you have something to convey, say it, don't like a months' old fb comment. Reminds me of the time he sent me a recipe for a salmon dish after some dead air between us. Incredulous, laughably pissed, I wrote a short song about it.
 
I am realistic in seeing that this 5-day fast is going to take some investigation and preparation. The program materials my doc ordered have not yet arrived and I already was feeling that starting this week without preparing was a plan to fail. Instead, I downloaded a fasting app and am going to read some articles on there and have kicked off a 16:8, which is easy enough, as it just means waiting until lunch time tomorrow. I did notice the first impulse to go foraging at 45 mins in, even though for sure I don't need anything else to eat.

The articles all seem to agree that autophagy is good process for the body, and disagree about how to trigger it, how long to fast for etc. But it does seem legit. It makes sense that the periods of not eating give certain cells and systems in your body some time off to rest repair and restore themselves, cleaning out the bad gink. One doc at Cedars Sinai says she is convinced and is setting about to scientifically prove that starving yourself of nutrients one or even twice a week, is very beneficial for your body. A specific study showed two subjects, one which had a stnardard diet and the other one fasted one day per week (IIRC). They both gained/maintained the same weight profile. But interestingly, later in life when their cells were examined, the one which had fasted had healthier, younger and more robust cells.

Importantly, this process will give me the opportunity to explore my relationship with food. I notice that it is SO present in my friendship with Proggy. But also there is always *so much* food in my house since I bought a chest freezer during the pandemic. It is definitely nice to have...but there is always just a lot of food in my house. It is going to be interesting to start playing with this, peeling back the onion layers.

I was reminded recently of how alcohol or cigarette dependency subtly drives thoughts, behaviors, moods, and preoccupies time and mind on every level. How when cravings hit you feel it physically in your body, the compulsion, and on some primal level it posesses your mind like a demon. For those moments, you are not accessible to loved ones. You are not enjoying yourself. There is a feeling of intense friction with the Universe.

So it is with food. And I have surrounded myself with it because it is just easier to graze and indulge rather than fight through those cravings and lose my mind for minutes or hours. It is so strong. And there is the risk given my history that I will pick up something else to try to mitigate those cravings, some distraction, some soothing, So I guess my first lightbulb about preparation is that I am going to need to plan my healthy distractions..,walking, meditating, calling a friend, brushing my tooth, taking a bath, getting a massage, etc etc.

Well getting sleepy so I will knock off...
 
Fiera said:
Portions could have been slightly larger for the mobey, but very satisfying.
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That's generally the case, isn't? The higher the price, the smaller the portion. But then the food is so rich the calorie amount stays the same. Honestly half the time I think the food wouldn't be as good if the portions were larger.
Fiera said:
TBH I am a little pissed about it. If you have something to convey, say it, don't like a months' old fb comment.
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Glad you're pissed because the passing thought of giving him half the cost of an expensive concert ticket when he had such disdain for the people who gave him expensive gifts from Christmas made me kind of pissed on your behalf 🙈
Fiera said:
One doc at Cedars Sinai says she is convinced and is setting about to scientifically prove
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Not the most scientifical approach to say you're already convinced when you haven't done the research yet...
Fiera said:
A specific study showed two subjects, one which had a stnardard diet and the other one fasted one day per week (IIRC). They both gained/maintained the same weight profile. But interestingly, later in life when their cells were examined, the one which had fasted had healthier, younger and more robust cells.
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Comparing two people? That's an anecdote, not a study. I'm not saying there's nothing to autophagy but as long as self-proclaimed experts disagree on how to best reach it I won't be dropping big money for it.
Fiera said:
So I guess my first lightbulb about preparation is that I am going to need to plan my healthy distractions..,walking, meditating, calling a friend, brushing my tooth, taki
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Sounds good!
 
It is 8:25AM. Sleep well thru the night (on couch). Made sure both dogs were emptied out before bed. Turned off tv and then forced my self to turn off light before nodding out. Admittedly the shorter floor lamp temporarily in place at end of couch has a bonus feature - it is shorter so I don't have to stand up to switch it off. I also took my progesterone in the evening which I usually forget to do.

I had my morning matcha since guru doc previously had told me it doesn't interrupt fasting. DDog has been out 3 times. I think with me not focusing on food the dogs are going to go out more because it gives me something to get up and do. I don't feel any sense of hunger but after a short sit in the front and an e-mail to the local councillor's office about the ad paper again, waking thru the kitchen I was aware of an impulse to have one of the toaster waffles Proggy bought and left in my freezer. I probably need to empty out my upstairs freezer and fridge before I start the 5-day. Ease of access to food Is undoubtedly a factor.

I do note that as in the past, my body woke up with less inflammation and a bit more flexible. I also peed a LOT. I knew I was carrying extra fluid - blamed Sat night's Italian dinner. If I am still feeling good at the 12 hour mark I might go longer and just see how it evolves. I kind of feel like my binging/grazing kicks in after lunch anyway. but attributed it mostly to an effect like a boulder rolling downhill and gaining momentum...I eat a reasonable balanced breakfast in the morning and the boulder is barely moving...then after lunch it starts noticeably accelerating and in a couple of hours I am snacking or having dinner or both and it just becomes a graze for the next 6 to 8 hours. I don't actually have a formal dinner. If I cook something I will do it early (esp grilling since winter gets dark so early) and have a serving of it and I will have another serving of it later (usually). Doing a fast this week of 16:8 will at least have me thinking about schedules and "feeding windows". Adding structure to eating rather than having it as a consistent backdrop to everything is a great paradigm shift. Also, I may find it to be true that eating within a time window may get me to plan ahead and think about nutrition and calories again instead of just grabbing another granola square bar because I am jonesing for that chocolate chunk.

Yeah the snack box needs to go downstairs too. It's really nuts how mucn food I do have in this house for one person, and the occasional Proggy visit.
 
It sounds like doing 16:8 might work well for you. I can't do it, unfortunately. My cardio & GP both say no. It seems to work well for lots of people.
 
Here is day 1 of 16:8

Started last night at 8:30; ended today at 12:30P.
Tummy was not rumbling but brain was sending more hints toward end of window. Had several great experiences noticing / awareness: "Look, there is a food thought" and laughing at it and moving on. I think my relationship with food has over time become entirely managed by the reward / addiction center in my brain. It really was not hard to do 16:8 and I had done it for maybe a week some time back. But the details are all lost to time now and it is like starting over.

Once I started eating though, the trouble started. First I had a nice turkey burger patty on thin bread with mayo and 1/2 slice of cheddar, carrot slices, mixed greens w two beets, goat cheese, raspberry vinegarette. Peppermint tea. A half hour later I was back in the kitchen eating 2 hot dogs with the other 1/2 slice of cheese and ketchup. Then, the sirens song of the mini peanut butter cups Proggy split with me then didn't take his portion home. First 3. Nope. Then 4-5 more. Still not satiated. OK another 4-5 then. Finally that did it. That was around 2:30. Now I haven't been hungry since but clearly that is not the way the feeding window is supposed to play out.

I might be having a slight caffeine withdrawal since i had no coffee after matcha today. But boy after that sugar high started coming down and I couldn't find my to do list, I got a little bitchy. So needed to take a break. Will try to have a mindful dinner before heading to guitar class tonight.
 
Not getting stuck in the binge/restrict cycle is probably the biggest challenge with fasting for a lot of people. A lot of that seems to be habit though: maybe if you plan out a reasonable day's worth of food for your eating window that might make it easier? I generally find a clear "no, this is what I planned and it's plenty" easier to deal with then spontaneous bits here and there.
 
Day 2 of 16:8.
Yesterday I found myself slamming in a fairly balanced meal after guitar class and then shoving in some yogurt w museli/flax/blueberries even though I was not hungry any more, because I was afraid that I would be. Gradually I will learn to sit with physical hunger and cravings with detachment. I think so much psychic energy and time go into managing food that subconsciously it competes for attention and processing power. If you eat less and add more structure, you really don't need to worry about it any more.

As I recall, I was having a lot of trouble with disordered eating during that last big project at work (Sc-). I started traveling with chocolate and granola bars, in case I was staying with someone or in a hotel without snacks...but inevitably those were just used to mute night time cravings. I ran the marathon in 19 and I like that the training allowed me to eat massive amounts of chicken w/ pasta or shrimp fried rice and not gain weight, along with all the other caloric indiscretions day to day. I was consciously aware that my eating was not in control and yet I was running so I had an excuse - mind you marathon training at 30-40 pounds overweight is not ideal...yet I was just accepting that that was where I was at and I was doing the work.

Of course I was in a depression related to the end of my career/job and then the pandemic hit and it lit up my fears around scarcity. I think intuitively I have recognized for quite some time how delicate the supply chain is (in addition to other systems, not to get all dark) and how helpless we collectively are when something breaks. I never wanted to overthink that kind of stuff but the pandemic rolled out with just enough warning where we saw the conditions emerging in Italy, the food scarcity caused by lockdowns, and the first cases showing up in the US and inevitability in this region. It just poured gasoline on the fire of what was already there...fear. Fear of food scarcity. Fear of the discomfort caused by unsatisfied cravings. Fear of withdrawal, coming from the addiction in my brain/body.

The challenge I am now giving myself is the opportunity to face those fears and feelings head on. My theory is that the experience of going thru them is, while unpleasant, not worth all the day to day conscious and subconscious energy of managing through. Certainly not worth the bandwith and time. Oh how I get annoyed spending an hour discussing what to have for dinner and where to go? Why the F is it that important? And yet 3 major people in my life have done that. L. BG. and Proggy. Well, 2 of those 3 are gone, and the 3rd I have told several times how much that annoys me. Bring 3 suggestions you are equally happy with and I will pick one. Or, identify the one you most want and see if I am on board. Don't sit here and spin your wheels, if I give you 3 ideas then just choose. Gaah!

Back to day 2. Not hungry yet this morning but I found that as DDog behaved annoyingly and I got irritated with him, my thoughts turned to going to get something to eat from the kitchen, Self soothing. It is so nice to have time and space finally to start exploring thoughts and feelings.

Also, I still keep having momentary prompts to go get cigarettes. My brain is cunning and trying to get its fix one way or another. I feel like that is the core battle here - me versus the addiction center in my brain. The calmer I remain, the more I pass through my day with equanimity, the less demanding my addiction center seems to be.

My addiction center causes me to feel jagged, cranky, abusive, inwardly directed, selfish, and disconnected. While I cannot expect to ever be fully free, the hope is that in time the impulses will diminish, and my ability to manage past them becomes smoother and quicker.

It is 9:40A. I have 3 hours to go and I am starting to want breakfast. I think I will do a short morning meditation, visit my work plan for the day, and take the dogs for a good walk. It is windy out but warmer at least.

Lunch plan: Breakfast burritos, and maybe wonton soup.
 
Gah! Breakfast burritos and museli.
Followed by 2pc of bacon I cooked. This was going back in and raiding after I was well and fully done with lunch. Close to 1000 calories.
Then I turned on social and a prominent member of our local music scene had passed quite suddenly. Shocking loss. A keeper of the flame. Then I went and grabbed the entire bag of remaining pb cups out of the freezer - AWARE that I was going to end up with an uncomfortable sugar buzz and upset tummy like yesterday...aware and entirely disregarding, comforting myself and not caring about consequences. Emotions gone amok. Too late to fix it but I came straight here and am focused on getting straight back into the solution.

Counting the wrappers...8.
 
OK. Website says a single serving is 2 pcs = 140 calories.
So 560 calories. Not good, but not as bad as I thought.
Later I can have a wonton soup for dinner.
I can take DDog for an extra walk.
It will end up in a maintenance range.
 
I had on my calendar to go see this guy recently too....part of breaking free from Proggy and getting back to things which I love just for me, and I did not even come close to making it due the the transport that day, I was wiped out by 9PM. On the one hand, this could be viewed as me picking the new versus the old. On the other hand, this also serves as a reminder that the people places and things we take for granted are impermanent...we can only enjoy them in the now because now is all that we have.

So sad.

My social is full of folks receiving the news around the same time. I had to turn my phone off and the IPad is next.

Breath. Meditate. Regain equanimity.
 
Geez...self soothing...yah I took another walk and the dogs are happy. But I ordered fried rice and sushi after Proggy mentioned sushi. And at all of it. So..started the fasting app and hour and a half early just so I don't eat anything else tonight. Now watching tv. Hoarders. Was thinking about how it is the same in some ways...insulating oneself with stuff versus fat.

Thanks for the hugs ladies.
 
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