Fiera's Diary

Well. I had to make a call. Never heard from manufacturer or Guru Doc (though pinged him late in the day). I consumed 2 of the spare flavor soup packages keeping my options open. Finally at 8P it was time to go one way or the other. I decided to press on with the protocol, consuming everthing else in the box for the day, around 900 calories and some capsules, plus an herbal tea, between 8 and 9P. My IF cycle got hosed but it isn't tied to the protocol so not a huge deal. Just means I have to wait until 1P tomorrow for lunch if I wait 16 hours

Tomorrow is when the real fun begins. Today was not that hard though so am hoping it will be similar.

I was busy all evening with the rescue stuff and ready to crash now. This weekend I will be speaking with DDog's potential new family. I cried already. It's going to be hard to let go, but I also don't envision myself committing to this giant of a dog for the next 7-8 years at this point. I still feel like I am going to maybe stay in Ireland for a while or do some other extended traveling once KDog has passed on.

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Above was written last night, put IPad on charger and fell asleep.

One of the first things to hit my news feed this morning was an article about the moment people realized their relationship was over. Typically it was the moment when their partner said or did something which showed they were no longer "seeing" them, or no longer respecting them.

I took that and applied it to a few of my relationships and it holds true very well, romantic or otherwise. "That moment" is a visceral feeling, a realization, which leaves one a bit cold and echoey, And I absolutely felt that "shift" the past few interactions with AN. It made me think about the likely fruitlessness of this feeling I still have that, at least from my end, there is still an openness to see if the challenges could be mutually resolved . But there are times along the way when I have felt loss of respect for him too. I really wish he hadn't poked me 3 times in a week. TB behavior, triggering. Curly Bubbly asked me if I thought he was drinking when he sent that last email. I said I suspected that he was. Clearly he is not in a place to be a suitable partner, and likely never will be, I would be a fool to wait, hope, or be distracted by him. Of course the heart is a fool...shrugs.

Anyway, I had a nice catch up chat with EF last night. I am a bit worried about a medical procedure she has coming up next month. It is fairly routine but not without the possibility of life altering complications. No way to go except forward but given that someone I know recently died from such complications it makes one stop and reflect. How precious and fragile we all are.

The sun is out, and I have immensely enjoyed this cup of coffee and journal time, but yesterday was very unproductive waiting around for the answer which never came. I need to put my day into gear. Hopefully a sunny walk in the forest preserve is on deck around 11:30.

This is Day 2 of 5 day "box" diet.
 
Best of luck with your box days!
 
Llama said:
Best of luck with your box days!
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Thank you Llama! So far it is quite manageable. I made it beyond 1P today, so making 16H since late dinner last night. I really do not seem to be struggling yet. I am paying attention to redirecting any stray thoughts about food, particularly after I consume something. The weather has been helping me get out and walk the dogs more.

I am a little disturbed about the phone call with T from AG. I picked up the phone just to say hi. It is clear she wants to be more involved and also that she has some issues which I recognize because I used to be that way myself. Someone who needs to be a subject matter expert and knows their stuff but is rigid and off putting and in her case outright abrasive to people who don't do it her way. She described a workplace conflict with a new employee she is supporting yet is training. She complained about the President behind her back, and lamented not being "included" all the while expressing how full her plate is with work and a new fundraiser idea and also a budding idea about a geographical expansion. She just wants to be invited. I get that there are relationships and dynamics here which well predate me, and I realize that it has been close to a year since I felt this uneasiness creep up about having one foot in and one foot out. I can't get more specific but I need to have a talk with President and also see if I can come up with an assignment idea for T. It is clear that President keeps her cc:d on important high level stuff, but some how that is not enough for her. It is a delicate business.
 
Just a check in. Around 5 PM today I hit the saturation point of working on the dog stuff, which I did most of the day. I did talk with CC while I was out walking the dogs earlier. I am quite tired now and probably from the fast as much as the 10 hours of "work". DDog is being a pest but just went out for 10 mins and sniffed for bunnies and ran around the yard without producing anything. I am ready to go to sleep but I put on a movie and am having a small amount of coffee to stay up til 9 or 10. I woke up at 6 today and it was too long a morning.

This afternoon and evening my auto grazing pilot kicked on and I opened the fridge or cabinet before catching myself. It's a good thing I emptied the fridge and hid the snack box. I put my refrigerator magnets across the opening between the fridge and freezer doors to serve as a reminder. I still don't have much in the way of tummy rumbles. Some of the contents seem to make me belch, although it may just be because there is no food to absorb the stomach acid.

The astonishing amount of deflation has ended but it was remarkable while it was happening. Everything from a thinner looking face, to thinner fingers, calves, thighs, and tummy. It felt a bit easier to trot with the dogs. Trying to drink a lot of water to make sure it's not dehydration.
 
Fiera said:
She complained about the President behind her back, and lamented not being "included" all the while expressing how full her plate is with work and a new fundraiser idea and also a budding idea about a geographical expansion. She just wants to be invited.
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Aren't we just our own worst enemies sometimes?
Fiera said:
The astonishing amount of deflation has ended but it was remarkable while it was happening. Everything from a thinner looking face, to thinner fingers, calves, thighs, and tummy. It felt a bit easier to trot with the dogs. Trying to drink a lot of water to make sure it's not dehydration
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The relative lack of carbs is going to flush a lot of water out of your system so you will need extra water (and maybe electrolytes, but I assume they're in the box). I hate that the water always has to come back once we go back to normal!
 
Yes there is a drink with electrolytes and nutrients, in addition I am drinking plenty of water. This plan has a social group where people are posting/discussing in real time, it really does not seem that anyone is complaining about an uptick afterward. This program is focused more on resetting gut health and triggering ketosis and autophagy /cellular rebuild rather than weight loss. Since you consume fluid (and food) and plenty of herbal tea and water throughout maybe there is less water yo-yo than some other diets. We will find out!

I have no tummy rumbles this morning, though I am starting to look forward to having some avocado and egg whites on Weds. Today is Day 3, a very sparse food day. 16:8 will end at 12 Noon and I have a call with Saylor then, so will wait til 1 to consume anything. Or try anyway. I feel bad for these folks who are hungry so they nibble a little bit of a cracker every hour or such. I find it easier to hold off and then eat the entire pack at once.

Well, the doc said this plan would help build mental strength and willpower to just say no and I agree with him. I have been in a habit of not denying myself when it came to food. If it was available and I was craving it, I just was not even fighting anymore, The cravings were too strong. I also like that this is making me realize how much the people around me influence my eating. Like switching to Italian meals and fresh crusty bread once Proggy started staying here 5 nights a week, and keeping chips, crackers, and ice cream in the house. That stuff was not here before Proggy and it is not here now. And then my Dad and Peaches...oh lawd. It is simply harder to restrain yourself around people who are not in the same headspace. I might think ahead to how I am going to maintain healthy eating during my upcoming weeklong visit.
 
Fiera said:
I feel bad for these folks who are hungry so they nibble a little bit of a cracker every hour or such.
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I wonder if that's a physical problem (but if it is they probably shouldn't be doing the program) or a mental one. Nibbling on one cracker wouldn't do much physically, I think, except make me want to eat more.
Fiera said:
It is simply harder to restrain yourself around people who are not in the same headspace.
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Ain't that the truth... I always struggled a bit while visiting my parents but since my mom decided to lose weight and stopped buying snacks I consistently lose weight on visits.
 
Llama said:
since my mom decided to lose weight and stopped buying snacks I consistently lose weight on visits.
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That is fantastic! I will lose weight if I get out exercising. Luckily there is a dog to walk a few times per day plus once or twice I will have my dad drop me off at the nature preserve. Plus, the park we like to go to is open again, he can ride his scooter because the path is paved. I just need to think ahead on both food and menu planning and I have the opportunity to lose weight as well. I should still have my momentum going from this fast unless I lose focus Thanks for the nudge Llama!
 
Quick check in here. Not sure why. Things have seemed easier, flowing today. Granted it is a super nice sunny day out. But picking up the phone which is usually moderately uncomfortable for me has been easy today.

I had meditation group. Then dog stroll during which I made 2 calls, one to DDog's prospective adopter and one to KDog's sitter. Before arriving home dogs and I met the nicest group children around age 10 or so playing in front of a church. It was a nice moment of connection. Then Saylor, which was a really nice chat. Scheduled video meeting for DDog (had to create an account and figure out how to send out the invites). Just now I went downstairs to change out laundry, and was organizing a few things now that vast bulk of the donations are out of the "rescue stuff" room. It occurred to me to try texting the scrap metal guy again and he just called me back and will be here to remove that old fridge tomorrow! I also exchanged texts w rescue pres (name "Pixie" perhaps will suit her). It was nice to touch base w Proggy and have him be watching a football game with a friend, because we seldom have any call that ends quickly. Yah, more "me" time. I am digging it.

Soon as my phone is charged I am taking the dogs back out in the glorious sunshine. Very happy that the days are getting longer. It is almost the middle of February!
 
Colors (part 2)

I nearly forgot to write about the colors in my meditation today. A nice violet showed up which only happens when I am really . However it was interrupted by a dirty yellowish grey and later on, dirty white-grey. Colors I have never seen before. It cannot be a coincidence that today is D3 of the FMD, the day that autophagy and cleansing are taking place.

The other time I had unusual colors was at acupuncture on my 6th (and last) visit. The colors were harshly interrupted by a dirty brown-yellow light moving quickly like a river and then there was a bright blood red. That was the day my right hand started aching and got stiff and the skin had risen up around the needle. As if the treatment was causing toxins to flow through my blood and to or out of that site.

I swear this is organically occurring stuff. It's not like I was sitting around thinking about what colors were going to show up today; that's not remotely on my mind. It just happened on its own. Which is what makes it so interesting that it showed up again during a time of cleansing.
 
And another ping from AN, this one a forwarded email about a free web program which starts tomorrow about resolving childhood trauma as an adult.

It actually looks pretty good and I recently signed up for a similar one. I just signed up for the free one he sent but am not going to tell him that. Frankly between the work I am already doing with Saylor and weekly therapy, AND meditation and experiencing this fasting/food reset and learning more about healing the physical body to head off some of my health issues....I feel like I am at capacity. I have the dog stuff too, and am neglecting guitar and friends and even my dad. On the one hand I feel like I am in a very good place right now, focusing on taking care of myself and my needs first. Trauma healing work is needed, but is there anything I can give up to make room for an 8 day program right now? Not really. I still need to make sure my bathtub is not at risk of crashing through to the basement.

Let alone address the issue of him pinging me again, which I *can't* deal with right now. 11 days til the next transport and we are thin on volunteers and vet help right now. The volunteers I think I can scare up as we get closer. The more immediate mission is going to be contacting vets and seeing if we can scare up some folks who want to donate a few hours of their time per month. Pixy (intentional change) needs me to scare up some highly reliable people so that we never get stuck without someone for medical.
 
Lastly...I am really starting to fantasize about eating an avocado and egg whites. 😵‍💫
I wonder whether I am dreaming about food...
 
I was having a wonderful sleep night then S sent me her word game result at 4 AM and the dinger on my phone woke me up. Could not get to sleep. I don't turn my phone of in case there is a real emergency...maybe ai can program it to silence just texts but not phone calls late at night. Restorative sleep is really important esp. during this part of the cycle so I am just annoyed. Usually I don't wak up but the phone was on the coffee table so the vibration was loud. Dumb.

Am feeling tension and avoidance about AN. I need to just forget him. He may still desire some arms length connection but he doesn't love me. This little hits and emails are not done out of love and affection. I don't know what they are and there is no value to be gained in trying to understand it.
 
I have my phone set ("focus") to not accept any messages from 10.30 pm to 7 am. The only thing that can come in is a call from one of my saved favourites.
Forgetting AN sounds like a very good idea to me.
 
Omg. Today has been an absolute whirlwind I am starting to crash. Between emailing with the senders about 2 more dogs, and coordinating more and more delegated action items, like tracking down a vet/tech for next week, a microchip scanner etc etc....had a meeting with meds doc, going to finish weeding off the W and see how things progress. I like the fact that the phone seems to be easy to pick up and I feel upbeat and not overthinking things. Just doing, being in the flow. Maybe the 60 or so emails today remind me of what it was like at work...always busy, never boring.

The scrapper finally came and I momentarily almost had him take the gas stove/over in addition to the freezer. But...it is in perfect vintage shape and it will just have to sit there a little longer, taking up space. Took a junk chest of drawers out also for disposal. Met a plumbing and sewer guy working on the apartment building across the street, he was another vote for a sump pump pit and don't waste my money scoping out drains etc. He also suggested putting in a shower stall for the dogs which is something I was already considering. But I am not going to do anything rashly since I don't know yet how permanent my house will be in this picture. Ideally we would find something right by where the transport arrives.

I feel better already. I was feeling stressed out by all the action items which cropped up today in addition to other things and so there is a lot which needs to be done tonight and tomorrow. This is was peaceful little break.

Also Proggy called and there may be an issue with his raise...his boss was let go recently with notice, and the raise had allegedly been submittedmy the old boss. But the new boss says no raise was submitted and it is something he intends to look further at next month. I tell him not to worry prematurely but he is distressed because he already was thinking about the things he can do with it and how it will help him to achieve some goals. He also started getting into condo board minutiae and I simply said sorry, I am slammed today, I can't stay on the phone. I am human and I need to keep things manageable. Today boundaries have been exceeded.
 
I had a good sleep last night. Still sleeping on the couch partly for ease of operation with 2 dogs here right now. But I left the shorter lamp at the end of the couch permanently now and it is so much easier to turn the light out when you don't have to actually stand up do it lol. Tried staying up later so I would not wake up too early for the blood labs (waking hour) but alas still found myself waking up at 6 for an 8AM appt. Will try again Friday.

It is 8 and I was mentally already doing some things like writing the solicitation to the vet which needs to go this morning. But the computer had no charge and I simply won't sit at the dining room table this early so it went on the charger and now I am back on my cozy couch with a half cup of coffee (protocol does not permit matcha sadly. It made me realize that I should set "working hours" for the rescue. I don't have good work boundaries, partly because of work ethic, partly because of long hours in early career then having global scope of responsibility later in my career. When you are global, it equates to being 24/7 except weekends, and a lot of times we were flying on weekends and catching up on emails on the plane. That was back in the day before videoconferencing and COVID reduced the necessity of being there in person.

I digress.

When I took DDog for his morning potty, I recognized the feelings that I have been having of self worth and I am so grateful for them. I have taken cues from Pixy and Remo and adapted my communication style - at least in email - to be more expressive, playful and personally sharing. Wow. I though, what if I had had a mentor like this all along? What if I had worked in this kind of culture? I feel less afraid to be seen. I pick up the phone and just "go". I feel like it is OK to ask for help, to not have all the answers. It is virtually all females, professional, put together, know their stuff, action oriented. No TPS Reports. I find I don't want people to be in the main part of the house which is presently in need of lots of not only maintenance, but new carpet, flooring, window treatments, rugs..,the works. But I can't let that be a mind f*ck which derails me. It is what it is. Seeing clearly has both its perks and its downsides.

Today is D5. It is also Valentine's Day. I will tackle computer chores from 8:45-10. Take the dogs for a walk, shower, then leave for my Noon hair appt. Work on my noted for DDog potential adopter call this evening. Zoom will only let us have 40 minutes which seems short but it will give me a feel for them before they actually meet DDog, probably as soon as this weekend. We are going to miss this big doofy guy, the house will feel empty when it is just back to me and KDog. KDog rallies daily for a late morning walk, but in recent days the further decline in noticeable. Looking forward to getting her to vet tomorrow and being able to focus more on her needs with only one dog to focus on. I will definitely miss my exercise partner tho.

Weight was a bloated 173 on Feb 6, 171 on Feb 9 after a few days of IF (during which I ate all the PB cups). Now with the 5 day program and all the junk out of the fridge, I am at 166.1. This program works miracles, except that some of items ultimately don't seem to align with my food sensitivities. Which I guess I was hoping a few days of gut healing fasting would magically fix. Ha. Well anyway, there is no doubt in my mind as to the benefits of a 5-day reset combined with walking a few miles per day. I absolutely am able to move more freely. The change in my physique and the fit of my clothes is remarkable. It's not all water weight, I think it is a lot of inflammation and a bit of fat. I can turn and bend in ways which simply were not possible even a week ago. This program has helped me get back to the cusp of "overweight" from "obese"; my BMI today was 30.4. It was 31.x a week ago. Maybe I should have taken measurements.

I researched and ordered the gut probiotics last night.

Heard from Irish Friend this morning with a funny story about lopsided hats.

I am feeling blessed and energized, and continuing down a path of leaving the unwanted past in the rear view mirror. At last. Manifesting. As Saylor reminded me the other day, the person I am has always been here. She just got smothered.

Thank you Universe for this opportunity to feel and become a better version of myself. I truly had started to wonder if it was all gone forever. I just have to look back at my journal entry from August to see how low I was feeling about my health and prospects for the future. Out of time but will like to come back and really reflect on what has transpired to turn things around.
 
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