I'M HOMEEEEEEEE! Wheeeeeee!
Wow. I love spending time with my dad and all but can be so draining to not get time to myself and to sit indoors with the a/c and tv on most of the day, unless going out to eat. I am going to need to get on a scale soon and it will be ugly. You know it has to be bad by the time I am going home I am ordering oatmeal for breakfast in the restaurant.
No hiking or exploring this time. No pool no hot tub. No reading no music. I brought guitar and took my class online Monday evening but no practice time/space. Just some dog walks and a couple of park walks where my dad rode his scooter. Honestly I felt drained and tired and not in a place to push myself. The allergies most likely, or the allergy med. I worked on a lot of rescue stuff, recruiting volunteers via email for the next go transport. It is getting challenging for me to keep everyone straight. Now that I am home I can get back to putting "notes" in the contacts in outlook.
Dad unexpectedly wrote me a check for my upcoming birthday. Haven't decided how to spend it yet. Maybe an overseas trip. KDog did well all the sitters and she starts laser therapy Monday so I could probably do 7-10 days in the spring. Proggy and I have an overwhelming number of travel ideas and KDog is the biggest consideration around where to go and when.
Today I have volunteering with Proggy at the Irish place this afternoon, then we will hang out there for a while. Later there is a party at SB's. We will have to pick up something to bring.
Oh, I bumped into my boss of something like 13 years and his wife (also a co-worker) at the airport yesterday after arrival. More like they spotted me. I heard what
sounded vaguely like my name being yelled but I was focused on trying to find a quick bite to eat before getting my bag. Then a female voice much closer yelled my name and I turned to see both of them. Very enthusiastic. I extended my hand to shake and the boss went in for the hug which I returned a bit awkwardly. They were on their way to Tahiti. I am glad that I could be in the moment and not have all the negative thoughts and feelings arise and be triggered. A truly, the woman was always nice and a good reliable coworker. And the boss, well, I think he is just low EQ. But he is also ruthless and a liar when it serves what he thinks is a greater purpose. There is the whole ordering me to break the law thing...the marginalization thing...he put me through hell. I doubt I will ever get to tell my story. Except to my therapist and in my journal To do so would me just appear to be disgruntled and bitter and unwilling to let go of old harms. It would damage ME - the life that I am building, the new relationships, the momentum.
Those poor women who walked around for so long having been sexually assaulted by a famous person...no wonder Me Too was so resonant. I experienced this to some extent with Tormentor, the bully at work... least once he did it to other women then there was a behavioral pattern which could not be entirely dismissed (even though it was pretty much covered up and allowed to continue). At least HR and a few people in power knew I was not alone....but in our case there was no grand resolution. We were afraid for our careers. And so you get to live with that your whole life, that shame, that fear..it sucks even now that speaking out would only serve to make me a less desirable person. Well...I just keep working on myself I guess, and try to make myself capable of speaking up.
I guess that's a parallel to the environment with my dad....it is his rules, you either live by them or eff off. He was laughing the other day describing to Peaches the night I wasn't allowed to go to the party and I was crying, how they would not support me going to the college of my choice (more of a performing arts school) and how proud he was he and my mom kept me from going down a wrong path in my life. Remember the poor kid in Dead Poets Society? A lot of people face grew up with that sort of parenting, I am not claiming that somehow I was tragic or different. All I am pointing out is that it has downstream effects (if it doesn't kill you). You learn to squash your needs and desires. Or you learn to leave behind your family of origin. Your choice. I chose one path and my brother chose the other. And because I chose that path I learned to keep my head down, be silent, comply, and be rewarded with relative safety and security. I learned to identify other people's boundaries and stay clear of them. I never learned to have my own. It was what I needed to do in order to survive in those environments.
I sure hope my future is continued growth and finding myself.
And I have been missing L so much. I finally said that out loud to my dad. He fit me so well in so many ways. I wish we could have fixed it.
Well, I am going to pull my head out of this and get back to Life.