Fiera's Diary

Darn it. My anxiety is back. Has to do with all the stuff and being kind of stuck, more time passing and don't have travel planned...and now realizing something that happened Thursday means I might have to do some repairs fairly rapidly on the basement addition or have to find another place for the dogs. That is on top of the tree roots and concrete I always need to address. Am trying to release tension and get myself into the space where things get easier when you no longer have a choice and rather decide and take action. But I risk letting people down *or* investing a chunk of money I might rather not right now. I don't mind spending the money if I know we are going to keep using my house long term, or I can benefit long term by being able to use the space. Anyway just here to acknowledge, and am waiting for the guy who broached it to call me back (if he chooses to).

I keep jumping from one thing to another to another without finishing, which of course makes it harder to get back into and figure out where you were. So I started the dog area disinfectant today and I will go wrap that up. Then I will get the photos off my phone. Then I will work on taxes. I am setting a goal to have taxes done by Thursday, even if I have not nailed down all the deductions.

I finished eating last meal of the day (tomato soup and crackers) at 6. Wednesday is hump day. I am definitely displaying more binge behavior than the last Round of the program. Still need to keep working on that. Still only eating the prescribed food, but worrying more about being hungry, holding out so I can have a "larger" dinner instead of eating something every two hours. Definitely helps to stay busy tho. I too, KDog for a mile walk earlier which is pretty good for her, it was sunny and crisp, her favorite.
 
(from yesterday)

Day 4. I really am getting turned off by the soups now. They seem to have more bulking agent in them than I recall. Am currently having "vegetable" which contains the tiniest bits of chopped up stuff which is hard, and overall just seems gritty.

Weight this morning was 170.6.

Psychologically this time is different. I decided to get back on my supplements (except fish oil) this morning. I went to the grocery store and instead of having inappetence I was having a desire to experience so many things. I left with only what I came for (turkey for KDog, eggs, thin bread, avocado). But boy are all the signs there that if I don't plan for my transition, I will be back to eating garbage in no time. This means I also need a dedicated "snack cabinet" for the dog rescue stuff...a lock would be overkill but at least something to get them out of sight.

Maybe the anxiety is withdrawal and not so much about the house....but I was defininitely in full on house anxiety mode for a while overnight. It's better now. I am doing a GREAT job of feeling aversion well up inside me and the doing the opposite. Taking Andy's phone call yesterday when my impulse was to let it go to voice mail. Calling Pixy this morning and getting the topic out on the table as promptly and transparently as possible, instead of lingering over a million different ways of telling her the news. Calling two contractors I will need and getting them on the books. Then I find myself at the point where I have done all I can do for a couple of days. Action is a great way to squelch anxiety. It also spares a lot of time.

It possibly helps that I had most of a cup of black tea today.
 
Day 5 (Wednesday)

Weight 170.4

It happened. I awoke this morning at 4AM wide awake, rested, and clear as a bell. Why the "keto flu" lasted so long this time before the good part kicked in I do not know.

Got up, cleared up a few dishes, cooked oatmeal and 2lbs of 99% turkey breast for KDog, then mixed it with hot water and kibble for her breakfast, Took her out first, I have to bring her around the side and up the front stairs all the time now, for the past week or so.

I have the dentist later this morning. A "deep cleaning" which I feel uneasy about because (1) I am afraid it will stir up my sensitive tooth and (2) they will be using the water jet which is painful and makes terrible electronic squeaking sounds. For an hour. (Good reminder to bring ear plugs). Deep....breaths...meditation opportunity I guess.

I had the butternut squash soup and coco crisp bar for dinner and my left shin started itching almost immediately. My right shin itches this morning. Need to look up the ingredient lists.

Recently I was perusing a "greatest of all time" whether books or movies I don't know, but the Grapes of Wrath was on the list and I was compelled to want to watch (or read) it again. I peeked into the little free library down the block yesterday for the first time in at least six months, and there it was, just waiting for me. Life is funny like that. The cover was torn with a piece missing and the pages underneath were becoming dog eared, so I cut a matching piece of cardboard from my diet box and got it taped up so it will last longer. It is a thick book but not so many words per page so I think it will go quickly. It has been quite some time now since I read something just to read (and not self improvement). It will be good to wake up other parts of my brain.

Photos. Dentist. Taxes.
 
Dentist is done. Was not bad actually, I listened to the new Ladytron album because I can't take the sound of the cvtrn. Working on photos as there was a glitch with the first batch I kicked off before I left for the dentist. Storage site doesn't play well with my browser of choice possibly.

Sun is out. Anxiety is not bad. I did wake up this morning thinking about the house and out of a dream about it.

On top of everything else, the implication of something Pixy mentioned yesterday started filtering in today and it's a disappointment and will force me to make some decisions. Whether or not to take care of the contractor issue has to be done for me and I will talk with the realtor about it; it may help me sell the house at some point, I just need to see what the costs are.

The best way to describe the disappointment is that I have a connection to a certain geography and my passion is and always is helping the dogs from there, because it is very poor and most of the, would not have a shot. Given financial and reputations considerations, Pixy has determined (I don't know with whom) to get the next transport from a new geography which has a shiny veterinary facility and pays all the costs and sends dogs which are thoroughly vetted with no surprise medical needs. She mentioned the financial considerations and fundraising falling off a cliff and needing to mind the organization's finances. She said we are going to switch off between the two. I don't think it will even remain 50-50 because she likes things to be simple. I get all of it. But I am only working 18 hour days because helping the first geography is a personal calling and a passion, and if we don't keep stepping up then who will?

It takes a small army to do this work and it makes no sense to splinter off and try to make my own group. Pixy has offered me up to a group several hours away who wants to work with my geography. It will come to me what the right course of action is, because every hour spent cultivating Daisies is hour I am not spending cultivating Tulips and I maybe only have 5,10 years where I am going to be physically able to do this kind of work.
 
Generally there are no perfect solutions and working with a group several hours away would 100% take energy away from the actual work. I understand wanting to prioritize those who need help the most though.
 
Day 6 (Food)
Weight 169.4

Well I stuck out the 5 day FMD. Yesterday was difficult. I was feeling a compelling urge to cave last night.
I started today with a nice breakfast. 2 eggs, 1/2 avoc, 1 thin toast
It was opening day so I had two all beef hot dogs for lunch on thin bread
Leftover tortilla chips and hummus. Was shoving easy food in mouth because Cleaning Lady and Floor Guy. Reboot.
Dinner was leftover spinach shrimp and mushrooms
Then egg salad on thin bread.
Couple more tortilla chips w a little peanut butter
2 non-dairy mini chocolate cones,
Hmmm.

I got some cod out for tomorrows dinner; tuna for lunch. Breakfast will be same as today.

Today got derailed again with a lot of dog stuff. DDog's adopter (L) called urgently because DDog had swallowed something again. This time we are not as worried but I did call Pixy and then also some hand holding of the adopter. Then the other adopter (J) called for second time this week asking behavioral questions. I talked with a foster about sitting arrangements to cover his short business trip. I finally got someone to help with item donations; they couple are coming Sunday. Spoke to store manager and am going there tomorrow to scout out what they have for us. Shifted my schedule around with Proggy for Sunday to meet the volunteers' schedule. Answered a check in from JNL about a dog having adjustment issues in foster, recommended we pair it up with a related dog it used to live with. Oh, asked Pixy a couple of Q's to bring to prepare for,April transport. All in a days' work.

Cleaning Lady was here. Turns out we both watch Hoarders which amused me. Flooring guy came to suggest options for basement.

My photos are backing up with glacial speed. It has been uploading to the cloud for 30 hours but progress IS being made.

Noir films are on. Getting sleepy though and it is almost midnight. I did my dental routine a couple of hours ago. The fast helped me get back on track with an evening schedule.

Time to drift...
 
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(Fri night)

Yay, another busy day. Around 5P serious weather concerns ramped up with tornado and floor alerts. I spent 30 minutes getting stuff off the floor in the basement and emptying out the shelter room/closet which had stuff packed in there once I started hosting the reception. Time to say goodbye to those household items, even if I just give them away, Moving them back and forth while I wait to have time to sell them is not acceptable.

Funny thing happened today. The somewhat toxic woman from the dog rescue board, who was at pains to tell everyone she was going out of town for a week and would be available, decided to comment on an email chain just to complain and not offer any solution "sorry if this is blunt but this is my contrary opinion" to direction Pixy had given. I recognized it as emotional, immature, and ego-driven (this is MY lane). I tore up my initial response ("yes, you were a bit harsh") and wrote a perfectly measured, concise, affirming and neutral reply which left her nothing, not a crumb, to possibly require further attention. Pixy texted me "very diplomatic". Well I told CB about it just sort of in patting myself on the back; and I said I might as well say the woman's name because I am sure that she will show up again in the future. I said the first name and the town and CB started laughing and said "I think I know the woman you are talking about". She named Is and said that IS is a high conflict individual, and she holds a counselor position that there had been clashes when her children were in elementary school. This woman has zero business as a counselor for children. Then CB informed me of the BIFF model for dealing with high conflict people; also saying you can never win with them, you just de-escalate. I patted myself on the back, as my reply to IS was just perfect.

I got back to Pixy and we had a laugh over it and a good talk. She gave me some more details about the other geography. It honestly presents many of the same issues and also some opportunities, We may end up being able to do a split squad where I manage the transports for Tulips and someone else manages the Daisies and together we increase capacity for both. It would involve having 2 vets and primary volunteers about 50 miles apart. All in idea phase right now.
 
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BIFF Model for High Conflct People

Brief
Informative (non judging)
Friendly
Firm (call to action) Be clear on what you need and when. What action is required of them?

You are never going to win with a high conflict person. Only de-escalate.
 
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Going thru this High Conflict People exercise made me think about my time at work and how I might have reacted to some of Tormentor's activity. I could only get the outsider's perspective I guess. I would think I was generally not viewed so, but I was always on high alert when it came to him. Not going to go down that rabbit hole atm.

Photos are still downloading. I suppose they would be close to finishing if my phone had not died overnight.

Found a strange skin growth on KDog yesterday. Taking her in next week. Hopefullly just some weird skin tag and it does not seem attached to underlying structures.

Thinking about AN a little yesterday, I guess having a bit of transport stress temporarily off permitted that to happen. I feel a little less closed off to meeting with him. Then I think about the non-acknowledgement to my last email - which was not implied or expected at the time I wrote it - and the wall goes immediately right back up. It seems just too broken now, But, these are the exact same emotions I had about L, the same protective walls which made it impossible to just be friends. With L the walls crumbled immediately the moment he died, and all I was left with feels like an empty beach. Me, alone with a lifetime of memories, me without the person who knew me best, who had been my best friend for 15 years. It was as if decades of my life were just gone and their echo was left. What if I had been able to exist in a space where the affection was allowed to be affection, and I had boundaries instead of walls, could we have had more of a friendship? How would that have changed things? The truth is, there a so many similarities between the two men, more than I recognized. AN even reminded me when we started dating, that I had said the difference was that at least AN tried. But, trying is by whose definition? L clearly disappeared into a cloud of pot smoke and was unable to function. Now it is more clear that the same has happened to AN (maybe it is booze AND pot in his case). Both of them ultimately succombed to mental illness really. AN just more acutely aware of it and seeking help - but on his own terms. It's his journey. The point is how would I feel if he drops off the planet one day, and we never really say all the words that we have to say? What's worse. Living the rest of your life without saying them, or going through the painful process in the present, derailing forward progress, possibly getting lost in the emotions for months or years? And that is where I end up. I am the closest to happy that I have been in a decade. Why the F would I want to touch that?
 
Wow. Something must be brewing below the surface. Perhaps having just enough time and headspace to catch up on bills and feel more organized and unplug from the relentless dog stuff for a bit. KDog and I took a walk with the one of the foster dogs and its owner, in advance of a day sit I have scheduled Thurs. I came home, did dishes, started some chili, changed out landry, and was paying bills, and AN appeared again. It feels so sad and it feels broken and the depths of those feelings was surprisingly strong. And I thought about all the new friends I have made in the dog rescue community and how most of them are single females, successful, well adjusted. And maybe that is just my sad-happy place. I'm happy with where I a, at and the trajectory, but I'm also sad that I don't have love, romance, support of a life partner. I also know that the dog rescue thing is a phase, and the relationships are like work relationships. It feels good but people will come and go as they will.

Anyway, I know that the kind of emotional pain I dipped into for the space of 20 minutes is not going to serve me. I have to see it, acknowledge it, and then just keep going. To stall out while the plane is still lifting off is not a good prospect for my future.

Just keep going Fiera. Just keep going.
 
Fiera said:
And I thought about all the new friends I have made in the dog rescue community and how most of them are single females, successful, well adjusted.
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I'm kind of in the same situation. I know plenty of single woman who are kind, hard-working, generous, and good-looking... And yet they don't find partners unless they lower their standards to include men who aren't even trying to find a job (while healthy and of working age) and still expect to get waited on hand and foot. I'm sure it's my biased view and it's just because I don't know and meet as many single men but it feels asymmetrical. Honestly it's the best proof that sexual orientation is not a choice: if it was there'd be way fewer single women over 30.
 
Indeed LaMa, I have said for some time now that there needs to be is a new social model of female companions which, while not romantic, reflect a kind of committed partnership for life, Maybe pairs or threes or fours or groups, that I don't know. Actually similar to what I have with Proggy, It's simply not fair to go thru life alone because you just don't have a romantic partner. I have plenty of love and affection to give of a platonic nature and I seem to stay a lot more emotionally balanced when am not dating.

What I say here is probably long-standing truth for other people, but I spent more of my life believing I either had someone (a guy) or I didn't. So much time invested in this guy or that guy and intrigue and romance and lust and stupidity and heartache. This is probably why the dog rescue woman seem to be satisfied and well-adjusted, they probably figured out years ago that were extraneous noise.

Anyways...

Yesterday the weather was brilliant. Worked on taxes in the morning. After meeting M&W at the pet store yesterday for the donations, I drove with K Dog down to Proggy's. We haven't been there in a couple of months. Took a walk in the forest preserve then went and picked up Mexican seafood and guacamole along with a salad back at the house. Watched a movie and listened to the new DM album on vinyl. I used to leave pretty early because I was having trouble driving in the dark but now that the scars are cleared off my eyes I am able to see much better. Either that or the lighting has been improved through the construction zone. Plus I didn't start getting sleepy quite so early. So we stayed until 9, which gave us a nice long full visit.

I also talked with S the drive down, which was just a pretty boring discussion around the fact that she is condo shopping in this area. I am indifferent. Proggy expressed concern that S would be around more but I don't think that is the case. I think it is the opposite, and I think now that she will no longer need a bed when she is in town the friendship will diminish even further. We will see, maybe I will be surprised, but I am not hanging on to this one. I am aware that two years ago we were in a different place and she was the one thread I had and the old friend I felt I could count on to manage my affairs. I don't know. Maybe I simply have needed a break.

The puffy scratchy eyelids thing happened again yesterday. I was outdoors, handling products from the pet store, some pieces of plush actually. Hard to know if it could have been dander or the outdoors or something I ate/drank or all of the above. Worrysome, I have got to figure this out.

Just realized that the day at my dads along with yesterday were both that I did my hair with the flat iron which means I used two products in my hair I don't use on an everyday basis when I put my hair up into a pony tail. It is entirely possible that the windy conditions yesterday blew my hair into my eye, and that something similar occurred after I arrived at my Dad's. A worthy idea to monitor.

Contractor A coming this morning, I wish there were a few more days to get other things done before I had to face this topic, But there aren't and so here we go. I also have errands today

Trying to get concert tickets for Weds night. Tuesday I have appointments for mani pedi and hair, though in polar opposite directions from each other. Thought about switching nails but old reliable place is across street from cafe ai want to have lunch at. It's going to be a self care / clean up kind of day. Then hopefully the concert Weds. Thurs I am dog sitting and Fri have plans with Proggy and into the weekend, With all that and finishing up taxes and getting organized I have decided to forgo the small meetup for Dimple in the shadow of the old amusement park. My feeling is that folks are not motivated anymore to make reunion meetups a priority. Perhaps too much time has passed with people moving away and lives going in new directions. Maybe everything has become too expensive and time has become too precious. Its just life. It feels a bit sad though, to lose connections which once were more like family. Is this just my life experience, I wonder, and is it something about me which always feels left behind and unimportant, or is this just the nature of life when you don't have biological family at the center of your universe?
 
Fiera said:
I used to leave pretty early because I was having trouble driving in the dark but now that the scars are cleared off my eyes I am able to see much better.
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I had the same issue after my eye surgeries 20-odd years ago and it definitely got better over the first year or two.
Fiera said:
is this just the nature of life when you don't have biological family at the center of your universe?
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In part, I think that is the case. It takes a little extra effort to keep friendships going with people who have kids when you don't. Just like it takes extra effort to really stay friends with people who move away rather than just... vaguely staying in touch. Or with people who work very different times/days than you.
 
Busy week continues. I am happy to be busy.

Monday night late I got the tax info over to my guy, all I have left is final figures for medical and charitable.

Yesterday contractor #2 for the basement came and now has not sent the proposal he promised would come in a few hours. I am hoping maybe he just mistyped my email address. Maybe he decided the job just isnt worth it. We struck up an awfullly nice rapport around the rescue dogs, and his desire to own an Irish wolfhound one day, I would be surprised for him to blow me off entirely.

I went to my mani pedi, late enough that I skipped the lunch part at the place across the street. Then while in the chair for the pedi we got an alert for a storm for high winds and large hail. I ended up begging off and just sitting for 10 mins under the dryer and then handing her money and dashing out the door still wearing those little flats with the sponges between my toes. There was traffic too so it took a solid 20 minutes to pull into my garage. i stepped out of the car and could hear the thunk-plink of hail and sure enough I had pulled in with zero seconds to spare. Not huge hail but large enough to put a small dent in your car. My neighbor with the electric vehicle came racing home about 2 mins later. Hope his car was Ok.

Anyway after the storm blew thru it was time to go in the opposite direction into suburbia to get my hair done, so the mani is ppd to today. I went to TJ for groceries and avoided anything sweet, salty, chocolate, chips, ice cream, etc. Rather fruit, salads, veg, and some eggs and cottage cheese. I cannot have that stuff in the house. My eyelids are very jacked up and I don't know if it is from the ice cream (Americone Dream), corn/popcorn/corn chips, spices in chili, or something else. i have been really bad the past few days. I have got to get better at the meal plan for after the 5 day fast.

I nonetheless at a bunch of stuff last night and did not do my bedtime routine because I was too sleepy and crashed out. I feel gross and bloated this morning.

Today's appointment for KDog's skin growth is cancelled after the vet looked at the photos. Yay, that frees up some time. I will go for the mani and then have a concert later. In between I need to review an email for a Pixy and finish up those last 2 things for taxes.
 
Llama said:
I hope/assume that means it's harmless? Yay, KDog!
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Yes, she thinks it is a benign growth, a sebaceous adenoma, though if it changes/grows will need to bring it in for a biopsy. Watchful waiting. Thanks!

Speaking of KDog, we had a warmish though blustery day yesterday and she really enjoyed her walkies. It gives me joy to see her experiencing joy. Even now I look over and she has a blankie on her bottom, her front legs tucked, her ears up and her lips parted with her tongue sticking out while she runs in her sleep. Does the heart good.

Well seeing an old favorite band last night woke up some memories and there was some resonance across the years. It happened a few times. I have always been able to recall the precise moment I first heard E---- and my jaw hit the floor, knowing it was going to be huge. But there were moments, songs which took me back to certain people and pain, and then a whopper, N--- L--- ** From an album in maybe 1987-88. I could remember being me, being at the concert, being who I was back then, feelping certain angst but still being me, before the trauma of the ensuing years. Before everything that happened in between then and now. And reaching out and connecting to that girl and wanting, somehow, to share wisdom. I am sure that girl would look upon me now with disappointment. That part is hard. But that girl also in a lot of emotional pain and uncertainty that me today has learned to let go of.

It's truly a blessing and magical to be able to go see a band which has been with you for almost 40 years, to stand on those same feet, in different boots, and feel some kind of arc of your life. Some kind of soundtrack. For someone who has no visual memory, no minds eye, is it any wonder that memories and powerful emotions are stored in songs,

In addition, when I arrived at the 3 floor and was peering at the merch booth, I heard my name called, it was J&J, a couple who I knew through W, as the husband was his best friend. W burned bridges with them through drinking, and he eventually did the same with me, and severed the connection with them because it was all too painful and toxic. They understood and never held it against me. I came home and looked up W on social and it showed me photos from J&J's wedding and also a photo of W and I on the lakefront in 2014. Such a shame, such an amazing friend and lover, I am glad he is doing better these days, but loving with detachment keeps us both out of the vortex.

I also experienced the shame and discomfort of having nothing to wear to the concert and going in a too tight PPIM tshirt and jeans and dress boots instead of pole climbers or docs. I danced some, which felt good. Maybe I just need to keep going to shows to keep reminding myself of why I want to lose weight. Other than J&J spotting me, I really was incognito, in spite of getting hair and nails done. I arrived shortly beforehand and did not roam around looking for people as I used to do. I am sure I knew 100 people there, but I don't even look like myself.

Well being up all night is going to come back to bite me. I am dog sitting at 6A and the anticipation - and my horrible eyelids - are keeping me awake.
 
I don't mean to grumble, but I will. The dog sitting request was from 6A to 6P. Part of the reason I was up all night was knowing I needed to get up at 5:30 to be already for a 6AM arrival. Well the guy just texted he is going to drop off at 6:45. This would have been nice information last night when I got home at 12:15AM from the show. Ugh. Well, I am going to get up and make breakfast and some coffee; once the other pup is here and settled maybe I can sneak a little nap.
 
Oh dear so much has happened in a couple of days.

That last post was Thursday. I ended up having a situatuation where I was walking both dogs and came around a corner and a lady was walking two little yippees. As Big T dog has same chase tendencies I hustled to switch course and get across the street. Got them moving and then Big T stopped suddenly and I went sailing over him into the curb. I landed on the concrete curb, thankfully my ribs and not my spine or neck or head. The crunch was awful. But I did eventually get up under my own power and take myself to the orthopedic place about 10 miles away.

Dealing with that injury which will take 4-6 weeks. The pain is manageable most of the time.

Yesterday Friday was a special day with Proggy. We had a nice dinner of walleye fish fry and broiled whitefish at a northwoods place, then hopped over for tap belgian beer at different bar/restaurant, then stopped home so I could ice then finished with some Irish whisky and music at the place near my house. It was a nice evening. The pain was a bit much a few times. Mostly because the doc expressed that he preferred naproxen (Aleve) so I had switched to that and it was like I was not on anything. I took more ibuprofen when we got home.

I went power snacking after we got home and so on top of Thursday's double whammy of a burger and a chicken breast sandwich am really feeling and looking very fat right now. I know it's a bit of a pity party/indulgence right now to just eat for comfort. But ultimately this is counter to me reaching my goals.

There is also another dog on the next transport I really like, I want another one and yet I recall clearly how much easier things got when DDog went to his adopters. I don't know what to do. I do need for my life to be easier. A big dog is not going to be easier that is for sure.
 
Ouch on the ribs :eek: How did the dogs react?
 
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