Fiera's Diary

Then around 9, an email from AN.
"tbh, I really think my disease has won"

Which of course was the perfect moment for me to remember to practice equanimity, and to sit with it for a spell. Here is the 3rd contact in about 10 days. I have not and had not planned anything further, unless and until I had further clarity of head and emotion around both the money topic and his words and behaviors of late, which have been of a rather different, sad and ugly nature. He has said, rather unemotionally, that if he does not find a pathway out then he expects one day he will end it. This of course is distressing to me, but I understand it, even if I don't agree with it.

Anyway, it forced a response from me as it probably intended. I could not in good conscience let it go and then find out too late that I might have let him know I am still here if he needs a friend to talk to. Simply "Do you want to talk? Call me." I needed to put the ball in his court, because the last time he was here he didn't want me to call him unless I had my issues around money sorted out.

I gave him his keys back on his way out the door so I have no means to get into the apartment at this juncture. His friend who owns the building is a resource if it comes to that. But I hope it doesn't come to that.

It just felt like this Jason moment, when that email came though and like a trigger my heart started racing, my pulse quickened, my brain fluttered. It is great progress that I recognized it in the moment and was able to shut my eyes, take a little time out, and do some breath work. I will take that as the victory of the dayy.
 
Oof, I'm sorry that happened. And I honestly don't know what would be worse: him being in that rough a shape or him pretending to be in order to manipulate you. Well, for his sake I hope it's the latter, of course.
 
He apologized in another email at 4AM. Said he didn't mean to be alarmist and said he was just tired. Very tired. And running around all day ahead. "Sorry for the hit and run." He is also going to be out west all day so either he has campaign work or he met someone while working out there. Either way I am glad to know he is ok this morning and that it is not necessary I to check the well being.

I feel a little bit better knowing that in the depth of things he contacted me. I think.
 
I feel a lot NOT better at how I am still sitting here deciding whether and what to say in further response....finally abandoning the open reply email and coming back here and remembering equanimity. Mental illness is a time suck and I don't have bandwidth for those. Back on track.

Last night I really fought the late night snack battle - and WON. Yay. I wanted a salty snack food and around 12:30AM my hand was on the cabinet to make popcorn. Somehow I walked back out of there. Of course I was asleep shortly thereafter and this morning there is no craving and I missed nothing at all. Not sure whether that was triggered by the carbs earlier or by AN's email.

This morning when I took DDog out, he lunged at the fence to the neighbor. I am pretty sure that what I saw moving through leaves was a rat but let us hope I am wrong.

The sun has popped out and I am reminded that today I GET to hike! I think I will take both dogs for a mile walk around 10:30, then it will be time to break fast and I can have a sandwich then take DDog to the lagoon. He will be good and tired.
 
Just another checkin before I get back to reading TNMAG. Spent 45 mins vacuuming, emptying dishwasher, cleaning up bathroom. A lot of us got tracked in since the thaw. It is helpful to get the house cleaned up to feel relaxed and clear.

Have had a desire all morning to make breakfast. I am not hungry since I ate so much yesterday. It perhaps is a certain restlessness, since I am not going hiking until it warms up some more, and I haven't really been able to focus on tax progress in several days. Hearing from AN and going into mental gyrations around that may also be contributing to that unsettled state. Just trying to get centered again. And I am actually a bit angry now at the selfishness...a man who truly loves a woman does not behave this way, does he. No wonder it feels like Jason. He was a fellow traveler, an intimate, a confidante, a listener....but he was never a boyfriend. AN was a boyfriend, but that was years ago, and his behavior now seems more like Jason. Like sometimes it is not me, it is the idea of me, which draws him back, the nurturer, offering myself up for the taking in times of need. Well Eff that, I don't need to play the nurturer any more. Being there for people regardless of my own needs is what broke me last year.

Patting myself on the back.

bye...
 
Took DDog to the lagoon at 10:30 as KDog was not up for a walk this morning. First a walk then up the hill and photos taken near the water. He is a handsome, photogenic fellow; however in that setting he always looks very intent (watching for critters). Part of the trail was still ice so it was an out and back. Then a weigh in at the vet and a visit to the wholesale club for gas.

I thought perhaps the outing would have made him tired and tried walking him to the house from the garage without a leash. Nope, he had to go sniff and investigate everything. Ignoring me entirely and trotting right past me. Boy, he has a stubborn streak. If there wasn't a risk he could jump the fence I would approach this differently.

Fast was 18:15. When it ended I still was not feeling anything in my tummy. I don't know what is normal. I did however mentally know it was time to eat. The fact that I took my time and came home and had a ham sandwich and wonton soup is good. Ham was 3 thin slices on thin bread with mustard. However halfway through I thought about the carbs in the pasta laden soup and knocked off eating that, and started scrounging for something else. Ended up eating bacon w mayo in keto tortilla, almonds, and then peanut butter (which I initially avoided due to carbs). So again, almost 1000 cals in under 30 mins. Going to get better at it.

I really need to get some taxes done today.

We were promised sun but there has not been much. Boo.
 
Ya know, I should have guessed it. Text from Jason this afternoon.
Hello Universe. What's that? Still teaching me? Needed to get my attention? Gee thanks.* [*Very PG version of what I actually said to the Universe.]

A strength is arising in me. A strength which means treating myself with respect and kindness, even if it means losing other people who once meant so much. Jason's message was basically a mechanical amends for failing to write our rescheduled phone date in his calendar (almost 3 weeks ago) or check in as he said he would. But it was a non apology. The kind which acknowledges doing something wrong but not uttering the words "I'm sorry", or hoping I was not inconvenienced or upset, just offering reasons why it happened. He ought to know better. He offered to talk at a date and time if I still wanted to. "Thanks Jason. Sending my best, always." Poof. Back out of my psyche. That bird has flown. Thanks for making it easy. Looking forward not back.

Shortly after responding to Jason I opened AN's email. Thanked him for his note. Said that I hear how tired he is and that sucks. I hope that he gets some rest - of all kinds - soon. That's it. At least AN actually apologized.
 
Last edited:
Crap. Maybe this feeding cycle is making me more vulnerable - i.e. dumping a bunch of carbs in my system may be spiking blood sugar. I had a veggie pizza for early dinner. Or maybe being off my supplements for a couple of days to do blood work Friday. Something. Nothing productive got done today and I ended up looking at some of AN's social activity, trying to figure out whether anyone from the campaigns has been surfacing recently. The photo which disappeared from his feed the day I gave him visibility to all my posts from Dec had me puzzled. Now, I have a possible theory. Whatever. I miss him. It's messed up. I don't want to feel this way. It is distracting and useless.

I have taken the dogs for another 1.5 m tonight, so 3.5 total today. I'm sneezing, my eyelids are burning, surely something I ate. I am cramming in the food and carbs so I know I am not doing this right or controllee. I keep trying.
 
Have successfully not caved on snacking tonight. I think doing so many calories early on and then having to not have so many later, combined with extra walking, makes it a bit more challenging, The last food consumed was 5:30. I hopefully will be to sleep soon and then the morning is usually easy. I did just feel an actual tummy rumble for the first time.

And I feel a bit emotionally better. That was a pretty hard wave that hit me. If we are welland truly done why doesn't he just go away entirely?
 
This morning I was reading up on the 5-day fasting mimicking 'diet-in-a-box' recommended by guru doc. The kit arrived yesterday and I am potentially starting it Friday now so it can be finished and I will have a spare day before the 16th when Proggy is taking a day off and we are going downtown for the day. I kindof had this niggling feeling I had better check *again* about matcha. When Guru Doc and I talked intermittent fasting last year, after some digging and research we both concluded that matcha would not break a fast. Generally that seems to be the opinion, one site remarking that a teaspoon of matcha does not contain sufficient carbs or other substances and so having a serving of it in the morning would be OK. However, this diet website says no go. You can have black or green tea (allergies) or coffee (too acid for empty tummy) or any herbal tea (no caffeine). I guess that I will try a small amount of black tea.

Also need to check on vitamins.

Again this morning I am feeling fine, not hungry. Yesterday my cutoff was 5:30 PM so 11:30 today will be 18 hours. It seems like for me the biggest challenge is the binging once I have started eating, Compulsively eating until I am utterly satiated with calories rather than being satisfied with a balanced, lower calorie meal. It is a BIG challenge but I really like that I am exploring the sensations and getting to know them. I am reminded of how Mingyur Rinpoche learned how to manage his severe anxiety..he could not ignore it or make it go away, so he learned to invite his panic to sit down next to him and made friends with it. Now it's "my old friend panic, I see you there" but he is not controlled by it. And it takes time to get to know someone/something enough to become "old friends". I am not even sure what I would call that binge compulsion..."my old friend Binge?" "Oh hi Binge, yes I see you standing there, but I have another agenda so why don't you just have a seat over here instead?"

In any event, it is probably some form of amygdala hijacking, just like my response to AN yesterday. Maybe getting control over my interface with food/Binge is a step forward to being in control over my interface with Anxiety. Practice!

************************

I would enjoy taking a nice soaking bath and I know this sounds dumb but ever since I saw the condition of the floor joist underneath I am not fully comfortable taking a shower, let alone filling a steel tub with water. My GC neighbor had his wife/secretary call me to say he is heading out of town and will call me when he gets back. It's one of those things where it is probably safe enough for now but wouldn't it be stupid of me to gamble knowing that the outcome could be really bad? It's like driving on the highway knowing your tire might have a sidewall issue. Until it gets inspected maybe you had just better take it easy and avoid driving and take the side roads when you do...

It is raining here and I had the presence of mind to run down in the basement and put the newly acquired rugs and donations out of the way of the leaky bits. The scrap metal guy never texted or called me back about the freezer. I can give him another chance, Today is the day I have planned to take the donations out to GP's. I will start packing and going thru things during breaks in the rain.
 
I just spent a few minutes looking at faucets for the downstairs tub as I need a sturdier long term option. Maybe the kind which allows a garden hose attachment. Anyway, I closed that out but popped over to social for a minute and there saw the most disappointing, appalling hurtful meme about Madonna's look. Yes it is horrible, yes she seems to be in denial, but what is revealed about the ugly people who are making these remarks? Why is ANY of this socially acceptable? If you don't like it, don't buy her music, don't go to her concerts, and just get on with your life. Being a d*ck about it just makes you look small. Sadly there seem to be a LOT of people who think this is OK. I hate people sometimes.
 
People do suck. The irony is that people's suckiness what what causes extreme body modifications in the first place. If we weren't so horrible to one another people wouldn't get so lost trying to chase impossible ideals.
 
Well I am quite happy that Depeche Mode released the first single from their new album. It borrows synth sounds from some of their older stuff, which a long time fan like me would take note of. I have this uneasy feeling that this album and massive world tour are going to be their last. A sort of retrospective on something like 40 years of making and innovating music. One could only wish them well if that is what they in fact are setting about doing. But one wishes that they could just go on forever...

I am going to probably have to pay an obscene amount of money to get a good seat for their next tour. But not as much as I paid to see a specific World Series game...not by a long shot. It feels important to me so I am just going to do it.

Tomorrow I have lab work in the morning and then it is my first day of the 5-day fasting program. I think there may be temporary insanity involved. I mean, more than usual. 🤣
 
Best of luck with the fasting! Some once-in-a-lifetime events are worth spending money on.
 
Good morning! Have been to the lab and back. I woke up early and the waking hour tests will have to be done on another day. The HPylori breath test had a powder mixed with liquid that you have to drink. So waiting on the ingredients list the manufacturer is supposed to email to ask Guru doc if my plan for starting the 5-day is messed up. It probably is, and I think it is doubtful I will receive an answer by midday when I had planned to have my first "meal" of the day. Oh well. It is not ideal to start it late because I don't want my day with Proggy downtown to be the "transition" day 6. I really had it all planned out so well. Life happens I guess.

Am enjoying the reduced bloating and increased ease of movement which comes accordingly, since I ate a bit better yesterday. Cutting off the feeding window at 6P instead of 8P makes the evening a bit more challenging but also ends the evening snackies/grazing which has always been the time I have really lost control. My feeling is, if I can manage carbs and other "surge" foods and inflammatory foods, I might not ever get to the point where my body is screaming "more more more" every day. It's a self reinforcing cycle, where over time you shift your gut bacteria to the good bacteria, you absorb more nutrition as your gut heals and you eat more night quality, nutrient dense foods. Also, Proggy told me last night that when he used to fast, his mind would become clear. That is a huge motivator for me right now.

My fridge is mostly empty and one of the projects for today is to continue going thru fridge and freezers and getting rid of anything that is old or is not a healthy food. When I resume shopping, I can start with a clean slate and a focus on clean foods.

Just started having my first brain-craving of the day, brain wants avocado. I hope that lady emails me sooner rather than later.
 
Last edited:
Well I got the list promptly from the manufacturer but getting an answer from the diet box people may take longer. I am sitting here trying to be patient and eating nothing in the meantime, but I would like to consume something pretty soon as it is going on 1P, or 19.5 hours. I noticed a few tummy rumbles around the 18 hour mark.

The President of the rescue formally requested that I be added to the communications surrounding transports. It was a nice moment for me, just knowing that I have finally been capable of stepping up my game. I always held myself to high standards of accountability and reliability and it feels good to be starting to get that back. Also we got some good news that the sending organization will be picking up a good amount of the expenses which means we can afford to bring dogs in more frequently.

Now, I need to spend some time getting an address book organized with all the volunteer info coming in because I am starting to coordinate more and more day of details. Things like who has the leashes or microchip reader or dewormer, and how can we shuffle things around? The ladies who have been doing this for a while know all that intuitively but I am still getting grounded. Our volunteer, foster, and supporter base is probably spread over a 60 mile radius. It is all very time consuming and rewarding. ☺️
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top