Fiera's Diary

Funny to read back on that as I got nothing else done last night. Oh well. I did not sleep great. I grazed all evening with an old movie on tv, capped with remaining cookies which I knew were a bad idea. Turned off tv and lights at least around 11:30. DDog got me up at 2:30 to go out to the bathroom. He took a whiz but in spite of all the signals and sniffs he failed to #2 and went back inside. Sure enough I undressed and went back to bed (couch) and turned the lights out and within 5 minutes he pooped on the floor in the hallway and I had to get back up and take care of that. 🙁

Struggling to get moving this morning and decided to buy myself some extra time and mental space by taking an Uber. Just resting and collecting myself for the moment. Matcha is helping. Shower then update meds list then walk DDog again. Grab a little something to eat on the way out.

Meditation group yesterday was about compassion for all beings. Not just compassion for others, rather including compassion for oneself. I rather liked the reminder. There has been a lot occurring to remind me that self love and self care are where you have to be grounded in order to have other positive things manifest. So rather than dread the neuro and the trip involved, I am reorienting to say that no matter what occurs, I am making an investment in the best rest of my life and trying to feel at ease.
 
Fiera said:
Meditation group yesterday was about compassion for all beings. Not just compassion for others, rather including compassion for oneself. I rather liked the reminder. There has been a lot occurring to remind me that self love and self care are where you have to be grounded in order to have other positive things manifest.
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I love that! I hope it helps you relax, too.
 
Darn. Well I was still getting organized but I ordered the Uber to make sure I would not be late. I arrived over 30 minutes early trying to get into the online app to update my meds list but they pushed me in a room, took my vitals, took the records I brought, had a second nurse come take my vitals (the first one was in training) and then in spite of me repeating that I needed to get organized, the doc came in early with a medical student. I felt flustered and didn't have my notes in front of me. He didn't seem interested in going over any history or what the other cluster symptoms were. He did reviewed the labs and did manual tests/eye movement tests, and asked whether the motion issues were interfering with driving or reading. He said that he didn't think an EMG (I think) was going to result anything and we would just start with PT for arms/vestibular. And keep in touch via the portal. It wasn't until the end when I spoke up about my mom's progression did I feel like I got his attention. "That's interesting. "Clearly she didn't just have fibromyalgia." "You are doing the right thing" being proactive. So the good news is that he didn't see anything of a concerning degree at this point. Will see how the PT fares.
 
Awful to not feel seen like that. At least if he had a med student looking in he was probably extra focused on not missing anything important (but also more stressed).
 
Yeah. Not been seen - rather being ineffective in getting people to see me - triggers a lot of negative self talk. I think it took hold in my work environment. Anyway if I had finished preparing/collecting myself and walked in ready I would have taken charge more. At least I spoke up before getting scooted out the door. Same thing happened with the rheum, I wasn't "seen" until I insisted that he listen to my mom's story and suddenly he dug in and wasn't pushing me out the door any more.
 
Today was busy busy...after I got up at 9. The late wake up was courtesy of a DDog middle-of-the-night demand to go for a bathroom break. I was up for almost 2 hours, watching movies, before falling back to sleep. I am starting to think about structuring an evening routine again. one that starts around 8 or 8:30 before I get too sleepy. But those "musts"...I need a whole new relationship with them. In fact, redefining the "musts" and "have to's" as enablers and "get to's" would make my life a lot happier.

Sometimes there are genuine get-to's. Lots of errands today and they all felt like get-to's. Probably because they were all for the dog rescue and that is something entirely voluntary and from my heart. Drive down to Lisa A's for the last of the coats. Drop off the picture frame for the freebox mom who hasn't had bandwidth to come get it. Go to the restaurant supply store for 2 more panels of flooring for the bathing station.

When I got home one of the rugs for sale I inquired about had returned a favorable response. Better yet, the address was very close to the pizza place I have been craving. So I walked the dogs and then ordered a pizza and picked it up then drove up the road to the address. It was in an office building from a small business closing up shop and going entirely virtual. Needs a good vacuuming but no pets/smells and the price was very good for an older real fabric rug. The lady even had a dolly and helped me bring it down and put it in my car. And the pizza was divine.

I took a short rest when I got home then went to work. Took two old rugs out to the trash, and single level storage cabinet I no longer have use for. Swept the leaves out of the rear stairwell. Installed the two new rubber panels and brought the "new" rug into the basement. I took the long way round from the garage as it avoided the threshold and tree roots, But it took a long time even with the flat cart. I organized all the coat donations on a banquet tablebut but stopped short of unrolling/installing the new rug. When one gets tired is when mistakes get made and muscles get strained, But I am happy with what I accomplished.

No mental protesting or blocking. No "have to's". A few times today I thought about equanimity and just staying present even as the flow continued. I actively reminded myself to be kind and co passionate and I felt it once or twice tweak my communications to a warmer tone. The sun was out today and it was warmer - no doubt helping my mood. I also find that it's a confidence builder to have a project I am essentially in charge of without anyone micromanaging me.

Had some steak tacos for dinner and there is a sweet potato in the oven in case I need a bit more to eat tonight.
 
Sounds like a super productive day! I hope that things you do for you and your health will stop feeling like chores soon.
 
Thanks everyone! It was really nice to enjoy a day which felt like living and not just surviving.

This morning we are having snow. I scraped the inch or so of heavy wet accumulation from the back stairs and walk and the front steps. Ddog had brekkie and a potty right on schedule but KDog doesn't want to get up and go out. Another 10 mins and if she is not up, I will give her extra pain meds, though I think in reality she simply is avoiding the snowy conditions knowing that it is slippery. She is a smart pooch.

Well. I slept well essentially through 8 hours. I took DDog out around 8:30 for about a 15 minute walk to make sure he was good and done for the night. Then I made myself get up and turn the tv and lights out when I started nodding off. Voila!

I think a lot of this stuff is just about keeping the benefits present in the moment. It's not really any different than overcoming inertia when I was marathon training; the difference being that there was a finish line for the training. And only one real long run per week. Stuff that you have to do daily for the rest of your life just feels oppressive and a reminder that age and decline are creeping on. So many daily care needs landed on my plate all at once. I know that mentally, I just block and reject all of it. I still want to live like I am in my 40's. The glory days however are long past and they aren't coming back. The sooner I accept this the better.

The snow keeps a-coming down and the white pine looks so pretty. Think I will take a more critical look at my to-do list since I have extra snow-salting duties in anticipation of the haul coming in tomorrow. Do I really need to go to the bank? Etc. When is the snow expected to end? For the moment though I just finish my tea and be present.

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Wrote the above around 9AM, my wi fi went down so it didn't post.

I shoveled and took DDog for a walk in the slushy mess. It is still coming down but so close to freezing that nothing is hard set. That will change later and I am pacing myself with chores today. Vaccumed the den and cleaned up the kitchen. Made breakfast and cooked supply of ground turkey for KDog. Dishwasher is running now. KDog peed on the disposable pad, what a good smart girl. Dogs are snoozing.

Dad called while sitting in the car waiting while Peaches had a haircut. Her granddaughter is coming down for a visit with baby. Her daughter apparently is coming separately. He remarked on having to drive the first one 2.5 hours and pick up the second one from a further airport. But we got our plans worked out for a sport event the night before I come home, and we can pick Peaches up from the airport just before. Glad we got that set.

I am collecting myself to make another push down in the basement, to set up the new rug and haul the Dyson down there to really clean it. The owner didn't have time to vacuum it and there is residual stuff from boots and shoes all over it. Plus the fringe came loose so I might glue that back on. She was more concerned about it than I am. Really nice lady. She had her hands full trying to vacate an entire office and yet she is worrying that she didn't get to vaccum the rug because I came so quickly.

Thoughts drifted to AN briefly this morning. Mostly playing out a conversation, and the conversation in my head is evolving with time. I worked on the song in my head a bit more. I need to find a mixing software so I can record tracks; I used to use audacity but it has been almost a decade since I was doing that.
 
This will be short as it is almost 11PM. The haul came in with 4 beautiful stinky dogs and we wrapped up around 8:30. I had not eaten much and had been on my feet all day so after doing some clean up I scarfed up some french onion soup, leftover chips and salsa, and devils food bites. Leaned against the radiator and let the heat soak my very sore muscles. DDog may have to take himself out...alas...I just hope he will let me rest first.

The improvements I made in the basement definitely made a difference. I want to improve the faucet in the utility sink and do some cute decorating before next time. We have had 3 hauls now (2 at my house) and I think I will put the group photo up with the names of the dogs for each haul on the old bulletin board. Oh, I also need to talk with the President about document scanning.

Today was yet another day when I moved a bunch of junk out of the dining room into the spare bedroom and will have to move it back again. It renewed my determination to get rid of stuff.

Next haul is Feb 16, 3 weeks. Time is surely flying. I feel content.
 
Llama said:
Tired and content is the best.
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Yes. It really is. Also it really quiets the noise in my head when I can throw my focus into achieving one goal.

A group from roughly 150 miles away is poking around. We are already coordinating with a group from further north and one from the east. I was thinking about decking out my basement more but maybe critical mass looks different, like a centrally located facility which we could all use and maybe have a few sleeping beds for ones who need an overnight. It could save money for everyone, but the again, dog rescue groups are surprisingly territorial and I don't think I am interested in that. It also is going to take some time to determine whether the entire haul model is financially sustainable. If it isn't I would be spending my energy for nothing.
 
Just a quick break here. I spent much of the day recovering and doing laundry. I just didn't feel like leaving the house; the weather was slick, cold and windy. I put all the running around errands for tomorow which, apparently will also be slick cold and windy. Ugh.

DDog is starting to demand attention as he needs more long walks than he has been getting. As in, he just started barking at me for attention and I finally got up and went in the front room and danced with him and chased him around in circles for a few. But I am back to my my intention now, which is getting rid of more clutter/paper. After shifting things from the dining room to the spare bedroom and preparing to move them back again so Proggy can sleep there, I am taking another stab at trying to get rid of some of that stuff, or if it belongs here, trying to find a home for it.

I called myself out after spending this afternoon on a social site looking for more free or super cheap stuff relating to the rescue dogs. Rugs, beds, reception furniture, bathing setups, faucet ideas etc. I made a neat little rabbit hole and fell right down it. I need to get rid of more stuff while I am moving ahead with sourcing new purposeful stuff.

Also, need to get back to an electronic to-do list, and the ability to print things directly from the laptop without walking over to the printer and hooking up to it.

OK bye.
 
It is Llama, and considering that today 9 boxes of donated goods made their way into my basement, it puts more vividly into context the need to become intentional about everything taking up space in my home.

I do like being action oriented, though I am having to do it in fits and spurts. I woke up at 8 today and had a case of the dawdles. The boiler guy texted that he was coming at 1 and then I realized it was nearly 10, and I needed to get out and get things done before boiler guy and then Proggy came over. Armed with a list I made last night, I gathered up what needed to come with me. In recent months I would have for sure left without something, so it is a sign of improvement.

Lamp shop to repair my wood torchiere. LG's for dewormer for DDog. Talked to her for almost 30 minutes, I like her a lot, she is bright and friendly and works at home full time as an auditor of drug trial data. We had a fast moving and wide ranging convo and she gave me a referral for an attic insulation guy and I gave her my electrician. We were interrupted by a campaigning progressive door knocker, then I looked at my watch and said gotta go. Off to pick up the donations from the big box store; was not expecting 9 boxes which includes seasonal stuff which didn't sell; junk food filled hollow candy canes and santa toys and the like. The manager was very nice and did most of the loading into my car. Snow started coming down hard. Bank drive thru then UPS store to return a rug, hot dog/fries from a yummy drive in place, then squeaked in a return at whole paychex and slid into my garage at 12:58. Ran out front to start shoveling and Boiler Guy pulled up a couple of minutes later. He was here for about 5 mins then off, then I finished shoveling. Came in and rested and then made a breakfast sandwich before heading out to shovel again and cart in all the donations, since I didn't know entirely what was in the boxes and something might freeze or burst. Back inside, talked to Proggy and was glad when we agreed to just meet up tomorrow. I tweaked my elbow dumping out the gross water at the bottom of the humidifier. I did a couple of loads of laundry (washable pads where the disposables got some leakage. Finally sat down. Somewhere in there realized that the fix that Boiler Guy put in place only made something else drip, and texting with him started futzing with the valve like he wanted, which made more water leak out of the overflow tank. Then I realized my den is only 66 degrees and it never goes below 69. Not sure whether the layer of snow on the roof and zero wind is changing up the relative workings of the thermostat, but I thought maybe the boiler was not working. The temp on it had dropped and the pressure. But I turned my thermostat up and it got a degree warmer in here so fingers crossed I will have heat tonight.

That was a long run-on paragraph because that was my day so far. Plus a walk with DDog.

Guess I have earned some rest. So glad Proggy is not coming. I need to finish reading ch. 7-9 of TNMAG for book club tomorrow with Saylor. One of the gals from Women's Club reached out earlier but I think I will skip the meet up and take a hot bath instead.

Then back to Clutter Patrol I think.
 
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Received a text that the son of a woman who used to work for me has passed away. He was young. It appears to be a tragic accident. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of that loss. All the compassionate energy that I have is directed to her and her family. It is very sad.

I tried draining the overflow tank for the boiler but eventually there was warm water coming out which I don't think should be happening (?) but I will talk with the tech guy tomorrow. I turned the thermostat up another bit and it is 69 in here now which is fine for us. As long as there is heat, the boiler temp and pressure are not too high, and the drip is not too fast, I can sleep tonight. Am very worried though because arctic cold arrives in about 48 hours and if I lose heat there is no way I am going to be able to save my house/pipes. So anxiety is kicking in.

I got no more decluttering done. The dogs pestered me for an evening snack and I put the first dose of dewormer into DDog's yogurt. I talked with Proggy for a while. I think that is all I have got. I still need to read 2 more chapters so picking book up now.
 
That does sound anxiety inducing and I very much hope the boiler gets fixed properly before the cold arrives. You were so busy today!
 
I am grateful that I have recently begun to regain some awareness and ability to engage in meditation practice. The book Saylor and I are reading has provoked some thoughtful offline journaling as well. Most notably around the value of equanimity and to allow oneself to recognize and experience emotions rather than shove them back down. Thus I have been able to notice this uptick in anxiety and not get lost in it.

Having uncertainty about my old boiler and the tech's familiarity with this very old overflow/valve technology has led me to do 2 things. One, read up on the technology and the process to drain a "waterlogged overflow tank" which this seems to be. Second, think about an action plan should the system fail in the frigid temps

Maybe getting them down will give me clarity to stop worrying.

Starting with the latter...action plan
1. Empty and shut off toilets
2. Leave faucet taps running
3. Dogs - DDog to LG, take KDog with me to Proggy's or my Dad's - with food supplies, meds, DDogs belly band and pumpkin powder, heavy coats and boots
4. Boiler system will keep circulating and heating water as long as it is running.
5. Take a shower this morning, run dishwasher before boiler guy comes over

Tech familiarity
1. Reread and bookmark link on this topic I found last night (on IPad)
2. Find another link which comfirms
3. Look for another valve between the boiler and the air valve (if there is one it simplifies the reset process
4. Talk with tech re actic blast coming and timing of going big versus letting the slow drip happen for a few more days
5. Verify that daisy chained valve is actually not correct and could be damaging
6. Explore any other ideas on what could be wrong before he rips apart the system
7. Plan convo with him - I would like to understand what the diagnostic steps are for this old style of tank/valve before we take apart the system. I need to ask questions to be comfortable with moving forward. If he won't take the time then "I am not comfortable, I would like a 2nd opinion" will be hard to say to a neighbor, but I need to respect my boundaries

OK. That feels like enough for now.
 
Shoveled the front. Right elbow I injured last night dumping humidifier is still tweaky.

Just took a look and the additional valve is in place. I won't touch anything until I have touched base with Boiler Guy. My impression is stronger now that he was heading down a wrong path with what he did and what he told me yesterday. Back to researching, but first, matcha-brekkie-shower.
 
Was it you who told me "action kills anxiety"? If yes you're really practicing what you preach!
 
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