Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
Fiera
Well-known member
9AM. The house is quiet (other than tinnitus, which is still quite loud). I need this to collect myself. The psychic effort involved in the draft email/repository to AN has taken much bandwidth the past few days. The clock keeps moving and I am less than a week away from the neuro consult now. I need to turn attention to that today.
We got word that the transport next week will be small. Just as well, as my energy spike seems to be depleted. The idea of hauling bags and cans of dog food into my basement seems a stretch, but hopefully energy will come back. Sunshine would help, as we are stuck in the winter drabs.
Low battery, harumph, Well I will add that my router did a spontaneous factory reset while I was out at guitar last night. So I have to fix that today and get the bands re-named and complex passwords in place.
I am avoiding the scale. Weight had ticked up and I have been feeling bloated/gas pain/back pain so I likely am retaining fluid. A day or two of clean eating should help sort that out.
We got word that the transport next week will be small. Just as well, as my energy spike seems to be depleted. The idea of hauling bags and cans of dog food into my basement seems a stretch, but hopefully energy will come back. Sunshine would help, as we are stuck in the winter drabs.
Low battery, harumph, Well I will add that my router did a spontaneous factory reset while I was out at guitar last night. So I have to fix that today and get the bands re-named and complex passwords in place.
I am avoiding the scale. Weight had ticked up and I have been feeling bloated/gas pain/back pain so I likely am retaining fluid. A day or two of clean eating should help sort that out.
Fiera
Well-known member
I got the router reset. It took a while to figure out how to get in to the advanced login screen using a computer versus the basic interface on the phone app. But it is done. Have been working on pricing info for my eye medication. Holy crow is that stuff expensive, over $300 per month copay, as I am learning early in the year with no deductible hit yet. Well, reality is I will likely hit deductible in a few months; until the I can stretch the medication out a bit. I also received a call from the orthopedist and decided to wait on an additional set of orthotics for now.
I came here because I had a horrible moment a few minutes ago. I hadn't seen a drop in my friend count, but when I went to look at AN's social feed it wasn't there. He didn't show up when I searched for him by name. For a terrible few minutes I thought he had blocked me and I was reeling from the emptiness I felt where he used to be. It felt TERRIBLE. Then I was able to look him up on my connections list and he is still there and has just temporarily deactivated his account, which he has done from time to time before. When he did it previously however his name always still popped up in the search results. So I am relieved of that immediate crisis but this episode demonstrates how much I have not even begun to accept that he is gone.
Why is it that I could not have related to this awfulness before I ever opened my mouth with him? And would the awfulness be far less if we had just made a mutual decision, or if I was the one walking away (answer: yes, based on my marriage).
I have also begun to see that Proggy's tight grip on me was creating a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety which contributed to my emotional state, my inability to think objectively and act deliberately. I was a hot mess trying to navigate under severe emotional pressure. In the background also were the health issues and my dad/gf needs. I tried to set boundaries with Proggy, but I was also afraid of losing him. He said his objection was to AN specifically, that I was free to date anyone but not 'that guy'. It was probably part ego, part jealousy, and part sincere concern. But I think it merits a deeper dive. I felt like I was being forced to choose, that I had placed myself in that untenable position. But was Proggy's position really acceptable, and also not pliable? I know he is a person worth keeping, worth fighting for. But how much did he play into HOW things unfolded with AN?
Other than that I have kept my mind elsewhere. I made a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, smoked salmon w capers, and dry thin bread toast. For linner I am broiling some scallops with lemon and garlic, and have made a beet salad with goat cheese and walnuts. Yum. Maybe add a little bit of flatbread w butter on the side.
I came here because I had a horrible moment a few minutes ago. I hadn't seen a drop in my friend count, but when I went to look at AN's social feed it wasn't there. He didn't show up when I searched for him by name. For a terrible few minutes I thought he had blocked me and I was reeling from the emptiness I felt where he used to be. It felt TERRIBLE. Then I was able to look him up on my connections list and he is still there and has just temporarily deactivated his account, which he has done from time to time before. When he did it previously however his name always still popped up in the search results. So I am relieved of that immediate crisis but this episode demonstrates how much I have not even begun to accept that he is gone.
Why is it that I could not have related to this awfulness before I ever opened my mouth with him? And would the awfulness be far less if we had just made a mutual decision, or if I was the one walking away (answer: yes, based on my marriage).
I have also begun to see that Proggy's tight grip on me was creating a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety which contributed to my emotional state, my inability to think objectively and act deliberately. I was a hot mess trying to navigate under severe emotional pressure. In the background also were the health issues and my dad/gf needs. I tried to set boundaries with Proggy, but I was also afraid of losing him. He said his objection was to AN specifically, that I was free to date anyone but not 'that guy'. It was probably part ego, part jealousy, and part sincere concern. But I think it merits a deeper dive. I felt like I was being forced to choose, that I had placed myself in that untenable position. But was Proggy's position really acceptable, and also not pliable? I know he is a person worth keeping, worth fighting for. But how much did he play into HOW things unfolded with AN?
Other than that I have kept my mind elsewhere. I made a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, smoked salmon w capers, and dry thin bread toast. For linner I am broiling some scallops with lemon and garlic, and have made a beet salad with goat cheese and walnuts. Yum. Maybe add a little bit of flatbread w butter on the side.
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Fiera
Well-known member
Skipped the flatbread and had some chickenless chicken bites with a bit of sweet/sour sauce for linner. Had a good walk with DDog, while KDog didn't want to go. Sure enough she waited for us to leave and then pottied on the disposable pad so that works for me. Good girl. A lady stopped me and asked for help making a phone call. It was cold out, so while I felt leery I felt obliged to cautiously help her. Nothing bad happened and I walked her to the place her relatives were sending an Uber to come for her. Her story didn't fully add up but I never felt threatened.
I banged out yet another email to AN tonight, I abandoned trying to clarify or explain anything and just wrote it more from the perspective of some things I think he deserves to hear. Specifically not looking for any discussion, but rather acknowledging that the distance is good for both of us. I made myself hit send and am released from it. Other than there being a song I am working on that I will send when it is ready.
I banged out yet another email to AN tonight, I abandoned trying to clarify or explain anything and just wrote it more from the perspective of some things I think he deserves to hear. Specifically not looking for any discussion, but rather acknowledging that the distance is good for both of us. I made myself hit send and am released from it. Other than there being a song I am working on that I will send when it is ready.
Fiera
Well-known member
Ooh I like it when I turn off the lights and tv before going to bed, and the dog doesn't wake me up at 2AM because he went out close to bed time. I never had a tv in the bedroom intentionally, but now that I sleep on the couch every night and have been watching tv in the evenings I usually just doze off and never turn it off.
FWIW AN reactivated his social overnight. If my email had anything to do with prompting him out of isolation then I am glad for it. That is not why I wrote it, but it may have influenced my decision to just send it already. The primary reason was so that I would stop drafting and redrafting things to say in my mind.
This great article on equanimity showed up in my inbox this morning. Serenity is my life raft. Equanimity is the path.
https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-stay-calm-in-the-midst-of-chaos/
FWIW AN reactivated his social overnight. If my email had anything to do with prompting him out of isolation then I am glad for it. That is not why I wrote it, but it may have influenced my decision to just send it already. The primary reason was so that I would stop drafting and redrafting things to say in my mind.
This great article on equanimity showed up in my inbox this morning. Serenity is my life raft. Equanimity is the path.
https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-stay-calm-in-the-midst-of-chaos/
Fiera
Well-known member
Sold the ice skates today.
"Long walk" with the dogs, 2 miles is excellent for KDog
Slept 10ish to 4:45 then 5:30 to 9:30. Odd.
Grey, hard to get going. Sun for a short peek was cheering.
Finally sat down and started figuring out medical records for neuro.
Saylor giving a presentation tonight, I haven't showered yet.
Tired and my eyes are shuttng.
First peek at neuropsych results/report today. Nothing compelling at first blush.
"Long walk" with the dogs, 2 miles is excellent for KDog
Slept 10ish to 4:45 then 5:30 to 9:30. Odd.
Grey, hard to get going. Sun for a short peek was cheering.
Finally sat down and started figuring out medical records for neuro.
Saylor giving a presentation tonight, I haven't showered yet.
Tired and my eyes are shuttng.
First peek at neuropsych results/report today. Nothing compelling at first blush.
Fiera
Well-known member
Wow, I did take a short nap, then a bath, then bolted out the door to hear Saylor's presentation. A few of the other girls from women's club were also there, so it was nice to connect. After, I did not feel like going home so I drove a little bit while I gave Proggy our daily call. It started sleeting a bit and is now just raining. I feel better than I have all day, calmer, quieter. KDog seemed a bit out of sorts so I gave her a double dose of gabapentin and she seems settled down now.
I actually feel like I might be able to read for a bit so going to do that for a while. Probably the book Saylor and I are working on. Though I am more in the mood for something silly and fun, like Christopher Moore.
Cleaning Lady comes in the morning. She will have to work around the 4 large boxes of dog supplies which arrived today (dry dog food for the foster dogs being the bulk of it). I didn't have the strength to put it in the basement especially by myself. Last time the president helped me. Proggy says he is willing to help this weekend.
Off to enjoy the quiet.
I actually feel like I might be able to read for a bit so going to do that for a while. Probably the book Saylor and I are working on. Though I am more in the mood for something silly and fun, like Christopher Moore.
Cleaning Lady comes in the morning. She will have to work around the 4 large boxes of dog supplies which arrived today (dry dog food for the foster dogs being the bulk of it). I didn't have the strength to put it in the basement especially by myself. Last time the president helped me. Proggy says he is willing to help this weekend.
Off to enjoy the quiet.
Fiera
Well-known member
The sense of calm continues. Cleaning Lady is here and I didn't have much to do today to get ready for her. Thankfully. I slept a lot again and awakened feeling a tad congested this morning so wondering if I might have been fighting a virus the past couple of days. Negative COVID test which is good. Feels nice to be in a more peaceful place and not perseverating on the neuropsych test review coming up later today. I don't fully understand the workings of my body and mind, but I do know that a couple of days of better sleep and a lot fewer to do's is only helping. As well as not needing to manage the psyco-emotional conflict over AN. Am not concerned with Proggy, there has not been much to talk about this week and I want to consider how in the cases of both BG and AN there was a lot of anxiety around trying to balance those relationships with him. I felt from the early days that he was a bit possessive and while I draw security from him I also acknowledge that I was conflicted about how to keep everyone happy, and that manifested in anxiety and strain on my relationships with those two. I can only reflect when I have time and space in which to do it, and only when I am in a place of relative calm and peace. Were those relationships which had just naturally reached an endpoint or were those relationships collateral damage?
I like my quiet time. I need my alone time to be the best version of myself. Yet I also need friends and a sense of community to feel safe. Probably no different from most people. Ultimately when you have a partner/bf it is going to change relationships from when you were single. There wasn't enough bandwidth for me to try to add a bf in the mix, at least not one who lived with me 5 nights per week or every weekend. I definitely need to consider what I want out of relationships I have today and going forward. Maybe at some point I will even talk to Proggy about feeling like I lost two of the most important people in my life because I didn't manage things well. I know he is glad AN is gone, I do think he understands though the sadness I feel about BG. I have intentionally not reflected deeply on her but the time may be coming where I do, if I can stay on my serenity life raft.
Cleaning lady is here. Going to read more of TNMAG and run some errands and then prep for the neuropsych download.
I like my quiet time. I need my alone time to be the best version of myself. Yet I also need friends and a sense of community to feel safe. Probably no different from most people. Ultimately when you have a partner/bf it is going to change relationships from when you were single. There wasn't enough bandwidth for me to try to add a bf in the mix, at least not one who lived with me 5 nights per week or every weekend. I definitely need to consider what I want out of relationships I have today and going forward. Maybe at some point I will even talk to Proggy about feeling like I lost two of the most important people in my life because I didn't manage things well. I know he is glad AN is gone, I do think he understands though the sadness I feel about BG. I have intentionally not reflected deeply on her but the time may be coming where I do, if I can stay on my serenity life raft.
Cleaning lady is here. Going to read more of TNMAG and run some errands and then prep for the neuropsych download.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well, neuropsych was pretty cut and dried. My brain functioning is fully intact in a focused, lab-based environment (Yay). I have strengths and weakness and they all fall into a normal+ range of function. Improvement since supplementing iron was very relevant. Sleep quality needs attention. Monitor autoimmune/inflammatory developments (low concern unless lupus or MS). Lots of background processing going on; stress/anxiety/mental clutter/possible PTSD/hypercritical of myself/depression. Stuff I can work on. That is really great news.
No explanation for aphantasia just as they have none for photographic memory. She did not seem to ascribe importance to it. You can't do anything about it, it is just individeal strengths/weaknesses.
Re: better retention when taking notes from writing things down. This was validated as (1) keeps mind from racing ahead and (2) the tactile exercise of shaping letters, paper, emphasis, shape, color does help it stick better than say typing - even if you never go back and read your notes. Re the high secrecy environment she said to insist on taking notes and promise to shred them immediately afterward.
The pinwheel drawing I missed even after I went back and double checked it - I was not really proofing because I was rushing and my brain, looking for shortcuts, was already convinced that I had it right.
Re: Also, preferring to proofread by printing and having a pen in my hand; this truly is an old dog new tricks thing. She also is a tactile person, preferring hard copy books. I told her memories are stored in objects and evoked better than from a photograph and she simply understood. I feel like part of my struggle has been adjusting to working without a printer and a pen. Also I struggle to organize notes on say medical when some of them are electronic and some are paper, and every flipping doctor has their own computer system and logins. It's perfectly normal. I used to have a hard copy file folder and then a scan of it at work. There are things you capture in a hard file, notes or edited versions which just don't track for me the same way electronically. I am curious about how other people make this work reliably. Perhaps they just print and make notes and then scan notes in after the fact.
Probably doesn't help that we all have multiple devices now too. Phones were just phones but now they are multimedia devices. Someone can text you a link to content, or send you a photo on your phone. Or you can screenshot or read something on your tablet. Or maintain your important files on a computer. And then there are all the different apps. Life sure was easier when all we had was a basic phone and e-mail, Content overload! And then when you get behind there is just MORE clutter and overload. Wow. And I can't be the only one out there with old hard drives to go through.
And that is just conversations and information. That doesn't even begin to tackle the "stuff" you accumulate in life (pairs of shoes for example, or old towels) not to mention the people you accumulate as you move through different life phases and interests. Or the number of things you can't give up because they have dear memories or are irreplaceable. Or they need to be sold. Hint: when people die you accumulate more stuff that was theirs that you don't think should go on a trash heap. I still have L's custom made leather jacket...thing weighs at least 20 pounds. I have an idea for something I would like it made into, but I need to hire a leather worker.
No explanation for aphantasia just as they have none for photographic memory. She did not seem to ascribe importance to it. You can't do anything about it, it is just individeal strengths/weaknesses.
Re: better retention when taking notes from writing things down. This was validated as (1) keeps mind from racing ahead and (2) the tactile exercise of shaping letters, paper, emphasis, shape, color does help it stick better than say typing - even if you never go back and read your notes. Re the high secrecy environment she said to insist on taking notes and promise to shred them immediately afterward.
The pinwheel drawing I missed even after I went back and double checked it - I was not really proofing because I was rushing and my brain, looking for shortcuts, was already convinced that I had it right.
Re: Also, preferring to proofread by printing and having a pen in my hand; this truly is an old dog new tricks thing. She also is a tactile person, preferring hard copy books. I told her memories are stored in objects and evoked better than from a photograph and she simply understood. I feel like part of my struggle has been adjusting to working without a printer and a pen. Also I struggle to organize notes on say medical when some of them are electronic and some are paper, and every flipping doctor has their own computer system and logins. It's perfectly normal. I used to have a hard copy file folder and then a scan of it at work. There are things you capture in a hard file, notes or edited versions which just don't track for me the same way electronically. I am curious about how other people make this work reliably. Perhaps they just print and make notes and then scan notes in after the fact.
Probably doesn't help that we all have multiple devices now too. Phones were just phones but now they are multimedia devices. Someone can text you a link to content, or send you a photo on your phone. Or you can screenshot or read something on your tablet. Or maintain your important files on a computer. And then there are all the different apps. Life sure was easier when all we had was a basic phone and e-mail, Content overload! And then when you get behind there is just MORE clutter and overload. Wow. And I can't be the only one out there with old hard drives to go through.
And that is just conversations and information. That doesn't even begin to tackle the "stuff" you accumulate in life (pairs of shoes for example, or old towels) not to mention the people you accumulate as you move through different life phases and interests. Or the number of things you can't give up because they have dear memories or are irreplaceable. Or they need to be sold. Hint: when people die you accumulate more stuff that was theirs that you don't think should go on a trash heap. I still have L's custom made leather jacket...thing weighs at least 20 pounds. I have an idea for something I would like it made into, but I need to hire a leather worker.
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Fiera
Well-known member
The new Ladytron album Time's Arrow has arrived in full, informs my music app.
A good discovery. Listening while I have my matcha.
KDog seems to be having more pain and difficulty in the mornings. 2nd day in a row she didn't finish her breakfast. It's not her favorite time of the day and I have given her a bit more in the morning to try to give her a little less later in the day hoping she will not start pestering me for dinner at 3PM, when she acts starving. Not working. So, will just revert back to giving her less for breakfast. I can't let her free feed any more with DDog around so I try to pay close attention to what she needs. I know that decline is inevitable but inside I am pleading please, please, don't be getting to that point. DDog should be finding a home soon but if KDog goes I don't feel prepared to be in this house alone, in spite of my "life plan" to travel more.
I am reminded of course that someone wise once said "all good things must come to an end". Certainly is true in the course of dog ownership, as a human. Just keep focus on other good things though when it does.
I slept another 8-9 hours last night, waking up only momentarily at one point. DDog is proving just fine at going from 8P to 7A. I take him out for a quick whizz before breakfast to avoid any accident, and then another afterward. Then we get in a good walk around 10:30, 11, 12. I don't like to be too precise about it, lest he get locked into a precise time and turn into a pest each day. I like my schedule to be fluid and it seems like, other than demanding dinner once KDog starts doing it, he is flexing well.
The leash walking is a new thing for me and does take up a lot of time. This of course because my existing fence is not tall enough to keep him secure. He really is a tall and leggy pooch. I just tried laying on my bed to see if he would go settle himself, and his head fully came over the top of my elevated bed and waggled into my arm and neck crook. It was very sweet actually. Ha. Every day he makes a case for staying here, the big affectionate doofus.
I know that the Universe sent me this creature and he is getting me through the winter doldrums. But so far I am not wavering in my intent to see him on his way.
Thinking ahead, I have CB this morning and also need to start making plans to go see my Dad in early March.
A good discovery. Listening while I have my matcha.
KDog seems to be having more pain and difficulty in the mornings. 2nd day in a row she didn't finish her breakfast. It's not her favorite time of the day and I have given her a bit more in the morning to try to give her a little less later in the day hoping she will not start pestering me for dinner at 3PM, when she acts starving. Not working. So, will just revert back to giving her less for breakfast. I can't let her free feed any more with DDog around so I try to pay close attention to what she needs. I know that decline is inevitable but inside I am pleading please, please, don't be getting to that point. DDog should be finding a home soon but if KDog goes I don't feel prepared to be in this house alone, in spite of my "life plan" to travel more.
I am reminded of course that someone wise once said "all good things must come to an end". Certainly is true in the course of dog ownership, as a human. Just keep focus on other good things though when it does.
I slept another 8-9 hours last night, waking up only momentarily at one point. DDog is proving just fine at going from 8P to 7A. I take him out for a quick whizz before breakfast to avoid any accident, and then another afterward. Then we get in a good walk around 10:30, 11, 12. I don't like to be too precise about it, lest he get locked into a precise time and turn into a pest each day. I like my schedule to be fluid and it seems like, other than demanding dinner once KDog starts doing it, he is flexing well.
The leash walking is a new thing for me and does take up a lot of time. This of course because my existing fence is not tall enough to keep him secure. He really is a tall and leggy pooch. I just tried laying on my bed to see if he would go settle himself, and his head fully came over the top of my elevated bed and waggled into my arm and neck crook. It was very sweet actually. Ha. Every day he makes a case for staying here, the big affectionate doofus.
I know that the Universe sent me this creature and he is getting me through the winter doldrums. But so far I am not wavering in my intent to see him on his way.
Thinking ahead, I have CB this morning and also need to start making plans to go see my Dad in early March.
Fiera
Well-known member
Saturday, 5PM.
Proggy left a short while ago. He arrived after work yesterday. We went out for fish and chips to the northwest Irish pub and stopped at the bakery which had, to my great delight, a small cookie assortment which contained the almond crescent cookies I was craving over the holidays this year. Yum. After coming home and taking care of the dogs and resting a bit, we went back out to the Irish place close by which has live music on the weekends. The band was a 3 piece trio with upright bass, electric-acoustic, and a "drum" slide guitar which I need to research. They were excellent, fresh and inventive, with impeccable 3 part harmonies. While we only stayed for about 45 minutes, it was very enjoyable. Proggy settled in to watch tv while I took DDog for a last walk and made popcorn. He fell asleep on the couch and I on the recliner.
Today after getting up late, we ran errands. Took DDog to the vet for a weight and to get meds for KDog. Split a Chipotle burrito for lunch then got dog food. Skipped the warehouse store after seeing the madhouse in the parking lot, then went to WF so Proggy could pick up fresh grinder peanut butter. Final stop was to pick up my script. Home-dogs-then back out to the goth-old school-new school shop for a browse. I met the owner and had a little chat; he was super nice and seemed to enjoy telling stories and talking about the old days. I asked if he knew B---- a shop in Toronto and he had heard of it but wasn't on direct terms with the folks. I also asked whether he remembered The C-----, which brought him back, and I think that was the moment he knew I was true old school. It was a tiny hole in the wall with just like 3 or 4 booths, some stools at the bar, and a dj booth in the corner, spinning dark goth tunes from Bauhaus, Tones on Tail, The Cure, and things like early B-52's, all on vinyl because that is all there really was. It was a beautiful dark place and all of a sudden my would wanted more than anything to bring a place like that back into being. It never made much money I am sure, but it was the essence of something soul-stirring.
He must have enjoyed the convo because he told me to have the counter people to give me a couple of souvenir coins. Definitely hope to go back there. Also the music playing was great a new band called She Past Away which reminded me of the old days. Proggy was never part of that scene and he will never relate to it in anything but the most surfacey way, but I was delighted to have a resonant experience with a stranger today who helped me remember just how special and fitting that all was. I felt like I remembered ME.
Of course that is why I was drawn to AN, because he shared some of those experiences and history during the times when I felt closest to my core self. Not to mention all the experiences and support we shared during the four years that we dated more recently.
**********
I received a very nice text message today from one of the women's club gals reminding me of the first new moon of the year and Chinese New Year tonight. Set your intentions, she suggested. And said I love you. Very sweet person. A tad crazy but aren't we all?
**********
I feel like I am back in a better place tonight. Proggy was sad about leaving but I am happy to have the evening free. I am also glad that I pushed back the telecon with Jason which I had suggested for Sunday initially until realizing that I just ahave too much going on before the neuro Monday. I like having quiet calm time for myself.
Proggy left a short while ago. He arrived after work yesterday. We went out for fish and chips to the northwest Irish pub and stopped at the bakery which had, to my great delight, a small cookie assortment which contained the almond crescent cookies I was craving over the holidays this year. Yum. After coming home and taking care of the dogs and resting a bit, we went back out to the Irish place close by which has live music on the weekends. The band was a 3 piece trio with upright bass, electric-acoustic, and a "drum" slide guitar which I need to research. They were excellent, fresh and inventive, with impeccable 3 part harmonies. While we only stayed for about 45 minutes, it was very enjoyable. Proggy settled in to watch tv while I took DDog for a last walk and made popcorn. He fell asleep on the couch and I on the recliner.
Today after getting up late, we ran errands. Took DDog to the vet for a weight and to get meds for KDog. Split a Chipotle burrito for lunch then got dog food. Skipped the warehouse store after seeing the madhouse in the parking lot, then went to WF so Proggy could pick up fresh grinder peanut butter. Final stop was to pick up my script. Home-dogs-then back out to the goth-old school-new school shop for a browse. I met the owner and had a little chat; he was super nice and seemed to enjoy telling stories and talking about the old days. I asked if he knew B---- a shop in Toronto and he had heard of it but wasn't on direct terms with the folks. I also asked whether he remembered The C-----, which brought him back, and I think that was the moment he knew I was true old school. It was a tiny hole in the wall with just like 3 or 4 booths, some stools at the bar, and a dj booth in the corner, spinning dark goth tunes from Bauhaus, Tones on Tail, The Cure, and things like early B-52's, all on vinyl because that is all there really was. It was a beautiful dark place and all of a sudden my would wanted more than anything to bring a place like that back into being. It never made much money I am sure, but it was the essence of something soul-stirring.
He must have enjoyed the convo because he told me to have the counter people to give me a couple of souvenir coins. Definitely hope to go back there. Also the music playing was great a new band called She Past Away which reminded me of the old days. Proggy was never part of that scene and he will never relate to it in anything but the most surfacey way, but I was delighted to have a resonant experience with a stranger today who helped me remember just how special and fitting that all was. I felt like I remembered ME.
Of course that is why I was drawn to AN, because he shared some of those experiences and history during the times when I felt closest to my core self. Not to mention all the experiences and support we shared during the four years that we dated more recently.
**********
I received a very nice text message today from one of the women's club gals reminding me of the first new moon of the year and Chinese New Year tonight. Set your intentions, she suggested. And said I love you. Very sweet person. A tad crazy but aren't we all?
**********
I feel like I am back in a better place tonight. Proggy was sad about leaving but I am happy to have the evening free. I am also glad that I pushed back the telecon with Jason which I had suggested for Sunday initially until realizing that I just ahave too much going on before the neuro Monday. I like having quiet calm time for myself.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well I received a message that Riley was hosting a meetup so I popped over in spite of my inclination to be inward directed and stay home. Am back now, and it is 8:30 so I have a bit of time yet before the sleepiness sets in.
Proggy sent a check in message before going out to meet his friend TRex at a nearby bar where a band they like is playing. He had been not feeling like leaving and going home, and I had told him he could cancel plans and stay if he wanted, but I was just as happy when he decided to go because my own time/plans would have been imposed a bit, and I had already cancelled Jason because I was feeling pinched. Anyway I mentioned it because Proggy said "I miss you." which was not something I could reciporocate. I feel like he is trying to court me again, maybe because when I was meeting with AN it really made him worry about losing me. But I just said that I had a nice time hanging out last night and today, which is true. It made me wonder if I need to have a talk with him about where his head and heart are at. Because I am free if I want to start seeing someone to do that, and I think it will be just as upsetting to him as it was for me to see AN, in spite of what he said to the contrary. We are very good friends, best friends, to be sure, but there is a sort of careless type of conversation taking place, a non-deliberate musing about things we could do or places we could live or travel down the road if nothing changes between us. He is a dreamer by nature, and he may feel like since the threat of AN is over that there is nothing in the path of those musings becoming reality. But there is me, and my feelings, and my sense that I am not fully mainfested. Until I feel that sense, I cannot know for sure who or what my future holds. And it may be wrong to have those kinds of musings, even though no commitment is currently being anticipated by either one of us.
I don't want to start dating and I don't want the time and emotional turbulence which accompanies it. I enjoyed the little meetup tonight with Riley. It made me think about all the good things which manifest when I am my authentic self and I maintain serenity. Thank you Universe for putting some really good people in my path. I am feeling very glad that clarity and calm and authenticity are taking their proper places in my priority list again.
Proggy sent a check in message before going out to meet his friend TRex at a nearby bar where a band they like is playing. He had been not feeling like leaving and going home, and I had told him he could cancel plans and stay if he wanted, but I was just as happy when he decided to go because my own time/plans would have been imposed a bit, and I had already cancelled Jason because I was feeling pinched. Anyway I mentioned it because Proggy said "I miss you." which was not something I could reciporocate. I feel like he is trying to court me again, maybe because when I was meeting with AN it really made him worry about losing me. But I just said that I had a nice time hanging out last night and today, which is true. It made me wonder if I need to have a talk with him about where his head and heart are at. Because I am free if I want to start seeing someone to do that, and I think it will be just as upsetting to him as it was for me to see AN, in spite of what he said to the contrary. We are very good friends, best friends, to be sure, but there is a sort of careless type of conversation taking place, a non-deliberate musing about things we could do or places we could live or travel down the road if nothing changes between us. He is a dreamer by nature, and he may feel like since the threat of AN is over that there is nothing in the path of those musings becoming reality. But there is me, and my feelings, and my sense that I am not fully mainfested. Until I feel that sense, I cannot know for sure who or what my future holds. And it may be wrong to have those kinds of musings, even though no commitment is currently being anticipated by either one of us.
I don't want to start dating and I don't want the time and emotional turbulence which accompanies it. I enjoyed the little meetup tonight with Riley. It made me think about all the good things which manifest when I am my authentic self and I maintain serenity. Thank you Universe for putting some really good people in my path. I am feeling very glad that clarity and calm and authenticity are taking their proper places in my priority list again.
How wonderful!
In my experience peoe who drop little hints all over the place but never really say anything definite get very snippy when I tentatively try to clear the air so I don't anymore - other than not moving along even a little bit with their hints and dreams.
Fiera
Well-known member
This is a very insightful comment. Thanks.
Fiera
Well-known member
Grounding morning, Alone time, meditation group, Saylor TNMAG discussion, made chicken on grill along with mushroom ravioli and arugula salad. Made preliminary notes for neuro appt, A bit sleepy from not getting quality sleep (light and tv on again); and my arms are aching a little and feel a bit heavy again. It may be related to some of the postural changes and neck stretching during meditation.
Due to feeling a bit tired, am taking it easy for now. Still need to work on guitar and take another pass at neuro but a nap seems more my speed. I didn't take the dogs for their usual longish morning walk so perhaps after dinner.
It has been gently snowing off and on, there is a coating on most surfaces but not much accumulation. It was pretty to see. We have had warmer than usual temps so flurries have been rare. I vaguely wondered if DDog ever saw snow before he came here. He pays it no heed in any event.
Due to feeling a bit tired, am taking it easy for now. Still need to work on guitar and take another pass at neuro but a nap seems more my speed. I didn't take the dogs for their usual longish morning walk so perhaps after dinner.
It has been gently snowing off and on, there is a coating on most surfaces but not much accumulation. It was pretty to see. We have had warmer than usual temps so flurries have been rare. I vaguely wondered if DDog ever saw snow before he came here. He pays it no heed in any event.
Fiera
Well-known member
Took a two hour nap. I don't often nap so obviously it was needed.
Now it is 6PM, just fed the the dogs and took DDog out back. No walk. I will pay for that tomorrow as he really needs to burn the energy off. Well, I will be back from neuro by around Noon. S has tried to call me twice today but just no. Jason said he had a tumultuous week so I wonder if he was impacted by layoffs. I still owe Irish Friend an email and SB a dog walk. But in order, neuro and guitar are my dates for tonight.
Now it is 6PM, just fed the the dogs and took DDog out back. No walk. I will pay for that tomorrow as he really needs to burn the energy off. Well, I will be back from neuro by around Noon. S has tried to call me twice today but just no. Jason said he had a tumultuous week so I wonder if he was impacted by layoffs. I still owe Irish Friend an email and SB a dog walk. But in order, neuro and guitar are my dates for tonight.