Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Marsia]

Hi Em, I bet you would be much happier with your own place. I would really hate living with housemates at this point in my life. No one ever cleans up after themselves, or if they do, they make a huge deal about how they cleaned and how everyone else is a useless slob. Sorry your house inspection threw you off so much, and I really hope you can get back on track with the tennis academy! Maybe you could take William out for a coffee or something and let him know how much you appreciate him? Anyway, I keep thinking about how you have a few habits you want to turn around, and I am glad that you picked just one (the wine) and are working on one at a time.

Hugs, and remember that the temper thing is not you, it is conditioning that you are learning to accept as part of being human but also learn to dis-identify with. We are not our emotions, we are people learning to be in right relationship with our emotions. I have to tell myself this all the time and remember to be compassionate about this.

 

[Emilyrose]

they make a huge deal about how they cleaned and how everyone else is a useless slob.

Guilty as charged! Hahaha. Thank you. x

It's day 4. There were some strong wine cravings that had to be overcome through the power of napping! There was good news for a friend! And I got a bit of my sparkle back.

Day 4
7.30 am It's amazing how much easier it is to wake up when you haven't drugged yourself with a bottle of wine the night before. I didn't even press snooze on the alarm this morning, just got up and went for my shower straight away.
8 am Had breakfast of porridge, raspberries, blackberries and milk and a shot of aloe vera juice.
9 am Started my day in the office with a coffee and milk.
10.30 am Had 3 sour patch kids, followed by an apple. Healthy!
1 pm Felt really hungry by the time lunchtime rolled around. Had a lovely Knorr tomato soup with a white bread roll and butter. I bought the roll in the shop and the guy behind the counter was asking me had I been to a late bar he saw me in a few weeks back lately. He said he was off yesterday so he went there last night. Felt a little bit flirty. Feel like my sparkle is coming back. (My hair and skin look so much better already and my eyes don't look half-dead anymore. The power of sleep!) Followed lunch up with a cup of tea and milk and a dairy milk bar.
5.30 pm Home again. Had some milk out of the carton. Then I had another slice of cake with cream and raspberries. Seem to have lost interest in eating dinner.
6 pm Felt kind of sad and low. Really wanted to buy wine. I went for a nap instead.
8 pm Woke up from the nap, again feeling awful. Made myself get up and went for a run around the lake. There was a ceili going on. I felt reinvigorated.
9 pm Got a can of orange and a bag of oven-baked prawn cocktail crisps in the shop. Shared a few voice notes back and forth with a friend who has been in a terrible situation with her job. She told me today that she just got a new one. Yay!
10 pm Home, finished milk from the carton, showered, in bed now. Having my other two Bulmers 0%. Smoked 10 cigarettes today. Good. Winding down a bit. Will try to keep reducing that number bit by bit.

All in all, the day was fine. I overcame the demons. I can do this. I want to stick with it and see if I really can win this tournament.

Today's song is This Is Me Trying, because I really am.

 

[Cate]

I would say that was a very successful day, Em. Flirtation? Maybe. Is he cute and/or nice? Felt like wine, napped instead & then went for a run? Win, win, win. Well done!

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Cate. Yeah, he's nice, but I wouldn't read too much into it, haha. The little interaction made me smile, that's all. And thank you.

It's day 5 here at the academy. My mood is all over the place.

Day 5
8 am Had some extra time in bed, as I had my shower the night before. The nap did not disturb my sleep one bit. I obviously needed it. Got up, dressed, had some aloe vera juice and left for work.
9 am Had my coffee and the rest of the mango I brought in from home. Yum yum.
10.30 am Bowl of muesli with blueberries and another coffee.
1 pm Didn't bring lunch today. Bought an egg salad sandwich and twix salted caramel in the shop. I'm eating too much chocolate.
2 pm Had 2 sour patch kids and a peppermint tea.
3 pm Got a disturbing meeting request which means travelling to the other work office hours away in the middle of the tournament I'm doing all this for. Disaster. If I have a match, I'm not going. That's the end of it.
5 pm Finished up. Got through quite a lot but I have a lot left to do tomorrow, as we are all off on Monday.
6 pm Home. Had a glass of milk and a slice of chocolate cake with raspberries and cream. The cream is now gone. Good.
6.30 pm Made myself a cup of tea and rang Mum. She had a doctor's appointment today so she was telling me about that. Gave out about my housemate some more.
7 pm Felt hungry again, had a slice of toast with butter and cheese. The cheese was so good.
8 pm Time to leave the house again for tennis. Had to get change in the shop, bought a can of Sprite and drank half.
8.30 pm Played well enough tonight. Won the first game 6-4, lost the second 2-6. I felt like the guy in the first game didn't really want to play with me and that sent me on a downward spiral. I am ridiculous.
10 pm Tried to buy non-alcoholic beer in the shop, was refused, which really pissed me off. I ended up eating a 135 g galaxy caramel bar on the drive home. Uh oh, uh oh.
11 pm Bought two cans of mango vit hit instead of the beer, which is not the same thing at all, but will keep me going. Annoyed about the chocolate, annoyed that I get so rattled by small things. I smoked 13 cigarettes today also, obviously not good. 10 or under is kind of the vague goal.

It's going to be a real challenge not to buy wine this weekend, I'm going to be honest. I'm not working Monday, so the temptation will be huge. But look, I've done well this week - fresh every day going into work. So, I'll hope for the best.

Today's song is about all the small things just getting me down man.

 

[Cate]

It would be quite an achievement, Em to go the whole weekend, especially a long weekend, without wine. I'm sure you can do it.

 

[Emilyrose]

I'm not so sure Cate, but I've put it off for another day anyway.

Day 6. The week has flown by. Today was good overall.

Day 6
7.30 am Alarm, get up, shower.
8 am Didn't really feel like breakfast, so I had a nakd cocoa orange bar and finished the can of Sprite I'd left in the car.
8.40 am Stopped on the way to work to buy cigarettes and a cappuccino.
10.30 am Another coffee and milk. 1 sour patch kid.
12 pm The draw for the tournament came out! I've played my opponent before and I know I can beat her! Hurrah!
1.10 pm Had my salad of roast chicken pieces, beetroot, celery, sauerkraut, mixed leaves, peppers and tomatoes. We had cake in the office today so I had a big slice of that and felt instantly sick afterwards. Washed it down with a cup of tea.
5.30 pm Home. Stopped for a can of Coke on my way home. Got in the door, had a cigarette, went for a nap.
7 pm Woke up, got ready for tennis and packed my bag to go home for the evening. Had some natural yoghurt with blackberries and raspberries. Had a glass of milk.
8 pm Played tennis, it was fun. Lost 1-6 but played well. I had a great workout.
9.15 pm Stopped in the shop for a can of orange. Drinking too much sugary stuff.
9.45 pm Back at my parents' house. Showered. Had a cup of tea and a slice of the chocolate fudge cake with them. We had a nice chat.
0.30 am Going to watch an episode of The Twilight Zone with a cup of chamomile tea and hit the hay.

That's kind of it really. I'm just rolling along, getting by. It's great to have a bit of time off now. I did some good work today so I can relax and know that next week, I will be fine. Smoked 10 cigs today.

Let's go for a bit of Pink Floyd for today's song:

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can

 

[Cate]

I'm not so sure Cate, but I've put it off for another day anyway.

& that’s a win, Em.

Day 6. The week has flown by. Today was good overall.

Day 6
12 pm The draw for the tournament came out! I've played my opponent before and I know I can beat her! Hurrah!

Excellent!

1.10 pm Had my salad of roast chicken pieces, beetroot, celery, sauerkraut, mixed leaves, peppers and tomatoes.

Yum

7 pm Woke up, got ready for tennis and packed my bag to go home for the evening. Had some natural yoghurt with blackberries and raspberries. Had a glass of milk.
8 pm Played tennis, it was fun. Lost 1-6 but played well. I had a great workout.

I think that’s it good that you lost but had fun.

9.45 pm Back at my parents' house. Showered. Had a cup of tea and a slice of the chocolate fudge cake with them. We had a nice chat.
0.30 am Going to watch an episode of The Twilight Zone with a cup of chamomile tea and hit the hay.

That's kind of it really. I'm just rolling along, getting by. It's great to have a bit of time off now. I did some good work today so I can relax and know that next week, I will be fine. Smoked 10 cigs today.

I’m glad you’re at your parents’ place. Have a good weekend, Em.

 

[Marsia]

I agree with Cate. So good you are getting in good nutrition, great exercise, motivating goals, and that you are doing well limiting wine and even cigarettes at times. Hope you have a lovely 3 day weekend!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate, I'll try.
- Thanks for focusing on the positives, Marsia! Haha.

Day 7 here. It was raining all day and was a very sleepy day for me. If I have to sleep my way through the next week to avoid alcohol before my tournament, then so be it! I really thought I'd buy a bottle of wine this evening, but so glad I decided that it's not worth it.

Day 7
9.30 am It was nearly 3 am when I went to bed last night - started watching From, a new sci-fi show very similar to Lost. It was pretty good. Didn't wake up too tired, at the same time.
10 am Had breakfast with Dad - cornflakes, shredded wheat, granola and milk with a coffee and milk and one slice of this lovely omega-3 brown bread with butter and marmalade.
11 am Had another coffee with a small kit-kat and digestive biscuit. Watched the second episode of From. What a terrible name for a show.
12 pm Another cup of tea. Hung out with Mum. She's pretty good, all things considered.
2 pm The morning dwindled past and suddenly it was dinnertime! I had salmon, tartare sauce, carrots, broccoli, fine beans and boiled potatoes. My stomach didn't understand what was happening with all the vegetables and I felt a little bit sick afterwards. It was great to have a really healthy meal though.
2.30 pm Followed up dinner with the end of the fudge cake, which we all agreed was delicious. It is now gone. Phew.
3 pm Found out my match is on next Saturday! One week to go!!! Bought a can of Sprite on the drive to the court as I needed to get change.
4 pm Was meant to have a tennis lesson, but it was lashing rain, so we've moved it to Friday. I had a short game with William and the boys - 2-2 when we finished up. It was great fun but the rain got too heavy.
5 pm Came back to the rented house, smoked 2 cigarettes and had a shower.
5.45 pm Felt tired, went for a nap. Didn't bother setting the alarm.
9.20 pm Oh my God, I slept for so long! I did mention that my stomach had gone haywire earlier in the day, so I probably needed it to help the healing process. I chatted to my housemate for a short while and went to the shop.
10 pm Sitting in bed now, bought and ate a 90 g milky bar cookies and cream and a ribena raspberry light. I also bought 4 0% birra morettis. Had all of them and smoked 10 cigarettes today.

Overall, not a bad day really. Very relaxing, you'd have to say. Today's song is From, as that word is in my head now, haha.

 

[Cate]

If I have to sleep my way through the next week to avoid alcohol before my tournament, then so be it! I really thought I'd buy a bottle of wine this evening, but so glad I decided that it's not worth it.

Oh, well done!

4 pm Was meant to have a tennis lesson, but it was lashing rain, so we've moved it to Friday. I had a short game with William and the boys - 2-2 when we finished up. It was great fun but the rain got too heavy.

You are keen!
The ERTA doesn't have really strict rules per se, but as you have an important tournament next Saturday it is recommended that you drink only in moderation or not at all & limit your smokes as much as you possibly can. Go, you! Give it your best shot, Em

 

[Marsia]

I think it's really good to focus on the positives, and also notice how many there are in your life right now! Studies on gratitude have been done that show it combats serious things like depression, so I think it's good to pause and be grateful to ourselves for putting in the work to be healthier. It's so cool seeing how you are saying no to wine and to anesthetizing yourself and instead you're turning to exercise and healthy competition.

Crossing all fingers and toes for next Saturday! And glad your tummy is feeling better!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, thanks Cate. Yes, the ERTA actively discourages black and white thinking. We take an individualistic approach and try to see where the person currently is in their life and how we can make small changes to help them improve in both their tennis game and their general mindset.
- Thank you Marsia! Yes, it is good to be making better choices this last week.

It's day 8 today. I was officially bored of the tennis academy today and everything felt a bit flat. I just wanted to go out and have fun. However, I stuck with it and the day turned out fine in the end.

Day 8
11 am Slept so late. I couldn't believe the time when I opened my eyes. One very good thing in the last few days is how much rest I've gotten. My body has been crying out for it though. It's great. Finished the Ribena strawberry beside my bed. Weighed in at 198.3 this morning, which is very encouraging. Trying not to get too fixated on the scales again, but of course, it's lovely to see it moving down a bit.
11.30 am Made some scrambled eggs and 2 slices of toast with butter and cheese. Had a dandelion tea. Chilled out listening to a podcast for a bit.
1 pm Went to the shop, bought a cappuccino and a packet of chocolate-covered cookies. Had two of them when I got home.
1.15 pm Read for a couple of hours, which was great.
3.30 pm Had a shower.
4 pm Had a salad of roast chicken, tomatoes, peppers, sauerkraut, cucumber, celery and mixed leaves with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar.
4.30 pm Packed my bag for home, read a bit more.
5.30 pm Left for tennis. Bought a can of fanta lemon in the shop.
6 pm Great games of tennis. Won 6-2, 6-3. Played average to good. Ended the second set with an ace, so that felt good.
7.30 pm Went to the shop to buy petrol, a cornetto strawberry and an orange smarties 90 g bar. Ate the cornetto on the drive home.
8 pm Back at my parents' house. Had a cup of tea and milk and a scone with butter and jam. Still felt hungry and had two cream crackers with butter and cranberry cheese. Had another cup of tea.
10 pm Ate the smarties bar purchased earlier. Watched the next episode of From.
11 pm Made a cup of mint tea, last item today.

Went a bit mad on the bread today, but it happens. Smoked 9 cigarettes. I was a bit bored all day and kind of pining for some excitement, but I kept thinking of the long-term plan and that the next tournament is only another 5 days away now. That's nothing. I can do this.

I love this song, and it kind of sums up how I feel about life right now. I seem to be waiting for everything - my next win, my next love, my next adventure...

But honey I'm tired
Tired of the wait

 

[Marsia]

I seem to be waiting for everything - my next win, my next love, my next adventure...

Sounds like time to plan next adventures maybe? I can see you on vacation sipping Turkish coffee at a cafe, writing a wonderful dialog that takes place in the amazing vista you just walked though. (Writing this makes me miss the old Turkish coffee shop I used to visit when I wandered around Harvard.). Glad you are catching up on sleep and embracing moderation in all its glory!

 

[Emilyrose]

Money is an issue, unfortunately Marsia. Maybe next year.

Today was a bit of a blah day, probably because it was raining. Recap below.

Day 9
8 am Got up, had hot water with lemon and some pineapple. Lovely! Said goodbye to Mum and Dad and took off for tennis. Bought a cappuccino in the shop on the way and smoked a cigarette.
9.30 am Had to cancel tennis, as it was raining. I went for a 3k run instead in a lovely area they have just revamped. It was gorgeous. I felt great afterwards. I've missed that runner's high.
11 am Did a bit of shopping, had a cup of tea and lemon drizzle cake, and read my book for a bit.
12.30 pm Came home, showered, got ready to go out again. I actually put on a bit of make-up for the first time in a while, which was nice.
1.30 pm Got an iced latte in Starbucks.
2 pm Was given a tour of a potential rehearsal space for September. Not sure about it. Went for lunch afterwards with one of the guys. Had a goat's cheese panini with spinach and tomato, chips and ketchup, and two Heineken zeros. Felt sick afterwards. My stomach has been really off lately.
4.45 pm Home and felt sick and exhausted. Went for a nap.
6.30 pm Woke up from the nap feeling completely out of it. Put on a wash. Smoked. Went on Reddit for a while. Had milk from the carton.
7.30 pm Went to the shop and bought a bag of mini cheddars. Had two bags (25 g each) and then I remembered I had chocolate biscuits in the press and had two of those as well. No more food today.
8.30 pm Which brings me up to now. Bought some fever tree elderflower tonics to take the edge off the miserable evening. They're actually really tasty. Had x of them. Total cigarettes smoked today was x.

I'm probably going to watch a film now and try to go to sleep early enough. Well, by 11, haha. I would love to get up in the morning and go for another run, as that was the highlight of the day really.

Let's go for a bit of Bob Dylan for today's song:

 

[Cate]

- Haha, thanks Cate. Yes, the ERTA actively discourages black and white thinking. We take an individualistic approach and try to see where the person currently is in their life and how we can make small changes to help them improve in both their tennis game and their general mindset.

I'm glad the academy is not bullying its member(s)

I was a bit bored all day and kind of pining for some excitement, but I kept thinking of the long-term plan and that the next tournament is only another 5 days away now. That's nothing. I can do this.

Well done

Today was a bit of a blah day, probably because it was raining

Same here. Well done on getting in a run though!

 

[Marsia]

Cool about the runner's high! I hope you find calming things to eat for your stomach. Hope you had a good movie night and got great rest! Sounds like you'll be in good shape for your match.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. No bullies here.
- Hi Marsia, thanks for your support.

Unfortunately, the tennis academy has had to close down early, due to poor management. Lol.

Yeah, I messed up and fell off the wagon. I have been playing the last few days but my 12/13 day restful streak has been broken. My confidence has also been quenched. I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it, but it's disappointing. I have a lot of demons. Anyway, the good news is that I am back on track this evening, and tomorrow is the night before the match, so hopefully I won't lose my mind and drink anything then. I think I'll be okay.

Had a bit of a mad time in town today. Went in to get a facial, which was so, so lovely. And I'm obviously wrecked now from alcohol so I nearly fell asleep a few times in there. Anyway, came out, went to get a burger (ugh) and after that, I stopped off in the park on my walk back to the car for a cigarette. I sat on a bench and this guy around my age with a gorgeous dog sat on the bench next to mine. I had trouble with my lighter, so he asked me if I wanted to use his, but I had the cigarette lighting at that stage.

I smoked my cigarette and was just about to go when this drunk dude holding a bottle of Lech wandered into the park and asked could he sit down beside me. I got up and said I was just about to go anyway. The dude with the dog also stood up in a protective gesture, and then the drunk guy started telling me about something he was doing in a church the next evening and asking me if I wanted to go to it. I was polite to him, he seemed harmless enough, but then I was moving towards the exit and he started following me. And then the dude with the dog stood between us and shouted at him, 'I thought you wanted to sit down!' and he moved away.

I was just about to turn around and thank the guy when Alex the painter wandered up the street at that exact moment. He saw me and mumbled a quiet hello and I just kind of gave him a wave and a closed-lipped grimace and moved on. It was so annoying because I never got a chance to thank the other guy, who when I looked back, was walking in the other direction just behind Alex.

Anyway, moral of the story - don't wear a dress to town. Lol. That was a joke. But yeah, it was a bit mad, the whole thing. The facial obviously did wonders.

Besides going off the rails a bit the last couple of nights, I have got the tennis in. Played okay on Tuesday, got hammered yesterday in singles, so I don't really know how Saturday is going to go. I am missing club night tonight as it was full, which is probably a good thing, as I felt really lethargic on Tuesday night, which probably resulted in me buying wine, as my energy and defences were eroded. I have a lesson tomorrow, which should be really fun, as it's mixed doubles and with my new partner Paul. He's really good craic, I am looking forward to playing a tournament with him. We'll have a laugh anyway.

So yeah, big couple of days coming up. It's exciting.

Oh yeah, Spanish Guy also texted me during the week. He moved back to Spain 3 months ago. I thought he'd got a new job in Spain, as he told me that an 'opportunity' had come up there for him. He texted the other day to say that his employer in Ireland had found out that he was living in Spain and they wanted him to move back pronto, so he wanted me to let him know if I hear of anywhere to rent. The message just pissed me off. I hate that kind of dishonesty. Even if he does move back here, I won't be meeting him again. He's a bit of a dick. I also bumped into Tom, a really hot guy I used to work with, at the club the other night. God, he's so good-looking. It was nice to see him again.

Anyway, that's enough of that. More tomorrow.

 

[Marsia]

So glad you didn't let the slip up get to you, but sorry the tennis academy closed early. That was some nail biting story about the drunk. Glad you had a knight in shining armor to help out! J once had to shove a drunk guy off the sidewalk because he was obviously following me and was way too close. It felt good to be protected, though I do know enough martial arts to take care of a situation like that. Anyway, wishing you a wonderful, glorious win at the tournament!!

 

[Emilyrose]

I won.

 

[Cate]

so I don't really know how Saturday is going to go.

I won.

Well done, Em!