Cate's Diary

Hi Kate, I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. Our OS arrived just as I was reading your post. It was lovely being able to have a good chat with him as usually he's in a hurry or has the kids. He brought the dry dog food up for our dogs. :) We had a very big hug! My LH & I had a really full-on but good day yesterday on his 62nd birthday. Most of it was golf stuff but as I said "It's your birthday!" We had a lovely Thai lunch & I also got a haircut. We had dinner at our son's pub & then played 8-ball there. We left home at 8.30 in the morning & didn't get home until 11pm. Bit knackered today but feeling ok. We're about to go into town to do more golf club stuff. I don't think I'd have time to actually play the game!

I am dreading seeing a counsellor & also looking forward to it. I think I do need medication but perhaps seeing a naturopath might help. It's worth a try. I have had a card for one for years & have never rung. OK had better scoot (again!) I have talked to my LH about how down I have been feeling & he is being very supportive. Most of it is stress over my Mum I know.

Anyhow, lots of love to everyone & a big hug to Kate, xoxo Cate

PS I'll catch up with diaries tonight xoxo
 
AHeya sweetie.
It's lovely that you got to have a really nice long chat with your OS and a proper hug. I am going to stay with my sister in law and neice and nephews tomorrow (my brother is away, he works away) I feel bad that we hadn't been to see them really until a dear friend of mine moved near them. I supose i didn't want to impose myself on them.
We have had some hassle with my mums family recently (i mentioned it a bit before but i wont go into it) and that has really made me appreciate MY family, i.e Mum,dad, bro and Marks family too. We are so lucky to have them.

I would love to have councelling. I would love to properly undrestand why i am like i am and maybe understanding would help me get over alot of my issues and actually learn to accept what i am. I would probably never get it thru the dr and it is so expensive to pay for it. I will just have to make do with my personal therapist (my friend, Rob) I am spending the day with him on saturday. We always seem to talk about really deep, emotional stuff and he has really helped me mentally. He is just as bad a headcase as me, if not worse lol

So pleased you managed to talk to your LH about how you are feeling. That will make it so much easier for you. I found being honest with Mark made such a difference. He was more patient etc with me when i told him i was having a bad day which was so much better than just trying to put a brave face on or wallowing in my grumps trying to hide how low i was feeling and just carrying on cos that didn't work.
 
Hi Kate, You're right. Just speaking about how you feel (getting it out) is part of the healing process & having support from the ones you love is very important. I'm bracing myself for today as I'm taking Mum to the doctor & then lunch. It makes me feel 'heavy' just contemplating it. I really complicated my life by bringing mum over here but still I don't regret doing it. I just need to learn more coping skills. I was really fortunate to find rapport with a doctor who was in our local town a couple of years ago. When she got to know me & I talked to her about my depression & ups & downs & how I try to cope with it, without medication, she put me on a "Care Plan" that enables me to have a certain number of referrals for free under our government health system. It enabled me to see a counsellor a few times back then. I had lost 36kgs but still really lacked self-esteem & confidence. Talking about it to the counsellor helped put a lot of my issues in perspective. It's good to talk to a qualified stranger. Friends are good but an 'outsider' is less biased & impartial. The one I saw was just lovely. Hopefully it will be her again. The counsellor comes out to our local town once a month I think & they will ring me when there is an available appointment.

I really should (initially typed "am also going to ring and") make an appointment to see a Naturopath as I also would like advice on what supplements I should take & what foods to avoid or to eat more of. I saw a nutritionist under the same Care Plan a couple of years ago, who was very helpful & also an exercise physiologist who started me doing light weights & also told me that my Tai Chi was one of the best things I could do for core strength. Tai Chi and the friendships I have made through it have helped me through the last couple of years.

I have the gasbags it seems so had better sign off soon. Still doing MFP but went over the last couple of days & did virtually no exercise. That is vital for my well-being so had better concentrate on getting it back on track. It may have to wait until tomorrow though as I have another full-on day today. Lunch with Mum & then out to a work dinner tonight at our YS's pub. There will be live music so might be able to squeeze in some dancing but would need a champagne or 2 to give me the courage!

Lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
Yesterday- started off feeling fairly good but took my time getting on the move. I picked my Mum up at 10.45am to take her up to the doctor. He was very thorough & agreed with me that it seems that Mum has bad hay-fever. One eye is also infected again & he agreed that may be from the hay-fever as well. he listened to her chest for ages & I could tell he thought it very mucky. He said he would like me to take her for an x-ray & then when he got the report he would either up her hay-fever medication or put her on a puffer. I asked him when he wanted me to take her for the x-ray & he said "Now would be good." So our day changed from a quick trip to the doc & then lunch with our YS to a big trip to Launceston. It's over 100km return from our local town. I called in at the home & got Mum's raincoat & told them what was happening & the care assistant asked me to tell the nurse. When I told her she seemed quite taken aback. I have been trying to get through to them for ages that Mum has this cough every morning & they have been doubting me. "I have never heard it" she had said to me the week before. "I've been hearing it for 10 years" I replied. It had got worse by yesterday & it sounds like Bronchitis now.

Poor Mum. She has no idea about what happens really but trusts me implicitly. As we were driving along she kept asking if we were nearly there. Fair dinkum it's a little like having a 2 year old Mum. Then she saw a sign saying Launceston 40km & said "that can't be right." We went to the x-ray place & had to wait about 30 mins. You don't make an ap't just turn up so 30 mins was ok I thought & quietly said so. She went off & had the x-ray & I asked if there was a good little eating place very close by. We went & had lunch in this little cafe but once again had to wait a fair time for lunch & it was almost 2pm when we got out. It was nice though. Mum stares at people now & says out loud things like "She's fat!" when the said person is within earshot still. Ouch. Every time I quietly shush her but it can be very embarrassing. She also stares at people eating & never covers her mouth when she coughs. Talk about role reversal. I do really care about her though so can cope with most of it.

When I had gone into town with my LH on Wed I had scoped out a pair of Summer shoes for her so said that we may as well go have a look at them seeing we were in there. The woman recognised me when we walked in & Mum tried on the shoes & bought them but not before loudly asking how much they were. I said "Mum it doesn't matter. You need good shoes & these ones are very good quality, adjustable, will breathe & are smart. They're $195." She loved them & wanted to keep them on but it was raining & quite cold so we changed them back. Then we headed for home. Mum was sweet & said she had a lovely day. "I bet you didn't think your day would end up like this.' I told her that I had planned to take her in some time in the next few weeks anyway so now it's done. She said that she shouldn't need to go in there again. She didn't like being in a city, albeit a small one.

When I got her back she was very tired. The nurse was very friendly & helpful when we got back & ran off to get someone to make Mum a cup of tea. It was well worth the trip to the doc's etc to get her to take notice & to believe me.

Last night-

We were both really tired but went out to my LH's xmas party at our YS's pub. We had a great night!! I got some lovely compliments and we danced and danced & caught up with lots of people that we hardly see & we had a ball. I am soooo glad we went! Our son is impressing all ages with his manner & enthusiasm. So many people came up & told me how good they think he is, how cute, how bubbly etc & how good for the town to have a place where they can go & have a great night. It seems he has a big female fan base. LOL. I think I heard that "he's so hot" about 5 times last night. Funny. They also all mentioned his smile. He has a gorgeous smile. It lights up his face. He is in his element working in hospitality. My poor LH went off to golf this morning nursing a hangover. I had a few drinks during the night but then water for the rest & was fine to drive home & am just tired this morning. I kept within my cals for the day, with the help of some vigorous dancing. It helps me to get up on the dance floor now knowing that it will burn up those calories. It's a good incentive!

I probably have never said to anyone that I still find myself wearing loose clothing & still feel self-conscious in fitted clothes but last night I felt slim enough to wear a fitted red top (with a black sleeveless vest over it at first) but flung the vest off & danced without feeling self-conscious. I need to keep my weight down to what it is now(or less) to feel that I can but it was a really good, liberating feeling. One of the women who complimented me said quietly to me how good I was looking & she meant it sincerely. It made me feel good & this time, I didn't feel like a fraud. The 4kgs I have lost in the last 4-5 weeks has made me feel disproportionately slimmer. It's funny really.

Anyhow I have had the gasbags again & had better stop.

Yoghurt/mango/gluten-free muesli(15g)/ fruit & nut mix (15g) for breakfast & feeling good.

Love to all, xoxo Cate
 
My LH came home really upset over an incident at golf yesterday, so it was my turn to try to cheer him up. Whenever he does anything he does it 100% & a simple mistake, made with the best of intentions, really cut him to the quick. I hope today goes without incident. I married a man with integrity & compassion & he can get hurt & I don't like it when he does. I'm going out there to do the bar this afternoon for the end of their 4 day club championships. I will miss a philosophy 'cafe' at our YS's pub but I feel like he needs me there so I will do it. He is so worth any effort. I feel he needs me out there for moral support.

The day is really gloomy- cold, wet & windy. I was hoping for a sunny, beautiful day for them, but alas, it's not. My MIL rang trying to get me to take her to lunch & then out to the golf club. I told her that I have to be out there for hours and hours doing the bar. I will have to stay away from her so that she doesn't bully me into taking her. My LH hates it when she goes out there as she is so attention-seeking & embarrassing.

I am really hungry this morning for some reason. I only had yoghurt & fruit for breakfast, but without the dessert-spoon of muesli & dstpn fruit/nut that I occasionally have. Perhaps I didn't eat enough yesterday.

I didn't do much exercise but had 2 glasses of wine & went over my MFP cals for the day. Oh & I just remembered that I ate 8 squares of dark chocolate in the middle of the afternoon as I was really craving something really sweet. It's tiredness that does it to me & I must resist. Either that or make the choice- chocolate or wine, not both. I def. did not not eat enough real food.

Time to get moving. Much love to all, xo Cate
 
Weighed in at 81.5 despite a few days of going over my cals. Phew! Ate healthily for lunch(light chicken/veg broth soup, tuna on crackers & a small tub yoghurt) & am full so am not tempted to snack. Heading for town now, xoC
 
Went out to the golf club & did the bar for about an hour & it finished early so that was good. The hassle at the club continued yesterday unfortunately but wasn't directed at him personally. Hopefully it will be resolved & they can all move on. No-one has died or anything!It's not the end of the world.

We hurried in to our YS's pub for the "Philosophy Cafe" but we were the only ones there so it didn't go ahead. The guy sang at 6pm instead. We ended up having dinner there as it would have felt bad to leave too early. I am not sure our small town is quite ready yet for it. Well many would be, but perhaps not their clientele, which is mostly young party animals. I had Atlantic Salmon & salad, no chips, with the lemon sauce on the side in a ramekin. Delicious. Unfortunately the cider put me way over the MFP cal's for the day. I have amended my goals to 1lb a week so that I am allowed extra cals each day. Going under will be better for my mind-set. I should still reach 80kg by Christmas & it should be more sustainable anyway.

I have my YGS for the day which is lovely. he's watching Thomas The Tank Engine right now, but I had better get off the computer. It's freezing today! I need to get moving!

Lots of love to all, xoxo Cate
 
Our OS couldn't get off work early, as planned, so I ended up picking up the 2 older kids as well & then they stayed for early tea to make it easier for him when they got home. It was the 31st anniversary of my brother's death (suicide) & I felt really sad about it and drank way too much.(3 or 4 glasses of red wine?) It doesn't get me every year, just some & this year has been tougher than usual. I feel ok again today. I'm taking our YS in to Launceston today to have his mouth x-rayed before having dental work done. It's his 29th birthday & we'll have lunch in town. I do feel fairly tired but not too bad. I also ate more than I should yesterday & found myself snacking with our young grand-son.

Anyhow, today's another day. Love to all, xo Cate.
 
HI cate sorry i havent written anything but i am reading you.

Im very sorry for what has happened in your family the tragedy that you have gone through.I myself have a brother that is addicted to drugs.And although he is still "alive" it feels like he is dead.Every time a police car stops near the house i think its the bad news.Right now we dont even know if he is on the streets or in jail or even alive to be honest....It is a terrible feeling loosing some one so close to you.



WIsh your son a happy birthay and many many happy ones more!!!!
 
Hi Jess, Don't apologise sweetie. It's nice that you read my diary. It is sad but was such a long time ago. It only hits me hard once in a while, not often. I got a lovely message from his widow (recently re-married & happy :beating:) and she said she hopes that he has found the peace that he didn't have in life & that she sends him loving thoughts from time to time. Sweet. I'm really glad that I stay in contact with her, even though the rest of my family doesn't. So sorry about your brother Jess. We can't live their lives for them unfortunately & must try to learn from their mistakes. Drinking too much on the anniversary of my brother's death was not the best way for me to do it but at least it helped have a good cry. xo Cate


Yesterday- was a good day with our YS. I also did a little C'mas shopping and ate very healthily (yoghurt/mango for breakfast, warm chicken salad for lunch, West African Chicken with veg & no rice for dinner. I had 100ml of red wine only (left in the bottle from night before)


Today- I woke at 4.30am & haven't been able to get back to sleep! It was a beautiful sunset(edit- SUNRISE!)- I don't see many. Not sure what's going on with me. I know I'm bloody hungry & am trying to wait until 7am to cook breakfast. I didn't really do any exercise yesterday, except a bit of walking around town- not much. I have been very tired in the evenings & falling asleep in my chair. I might try napping mid afternoon today briefly as I should be tired anyway, so that I stay awake until later. It's Tai Chi day & I also have to visit the doctor as Mum was on a recall from her chest x-ray. I'll go in on my own today & then the doctor can see her tomorrow when he visits the home. Lunch with my lovely TC friends :D Probably another warm chicken salad.

Lots of love to all, xoxo Cate

PS Haven't heard from the psych yet re an appointment. Eek.
 
AHeya sweetie

Sorry i haven't been on your diary for so long, i know i was away but i feel i have missed so much.

Sorry to hear that you struggled with the anniversary of your brother passing this year :( sending hugs your way.

It was lovely to read about your day with your mum, i know you were embarassed but i love that about really old people, it really makes me giggle. It's like they so don't give a shit anymore and they are gonna say it as it is!! Love it lol. And you seem to be in a better place mentally at the moment, i think accepting that there is a problem helps in itself.

Ok i'm back on board and ready to keep up to date with your gasbaging!!!
 
Hi Hun, That's ok. You've been busy! I am in a much better place mentally (thank goodness!!) & it does help to bring it out into the open. My LH is waiting to look at his golf handicap online, so I had better scoot. Ironing time! I may as well put this early morning energy into something constructive. Much love right back xoxo Cate
 
My life is different & I must get used to my new reality & adjust. I can do it. I'm getting there. I am up & down & all over the show & I must get my act together. So, I'm normally a planner & reasonably organised & now I must change. It's my new, temporary reality. Even if this is my next 10 year reality I must not despair & I must adapt & be more malleable.

It looks like my Mum has, at the very least Emphysema, & possibly (probably) Lung Cancer. In the last 2 days I have taken her to the doctor as she was recalled after her chest x-ray. Turns out the doctor wanted to talk to me, personally about Mum, but the receptionist misinterpreted it all & I took Mum in. He conveyed the news to me, without Mum really taking it in, but he wanted Mum to go for a CAT scan & to do a lung function test, so that he can treat her appropriately. He doesn't want to prescribe any puffers or other medication until he knew for sure what the exact problem is with her lungs.

She is booked in for a lung function test on Friday.

I rang the hospital in Launceston this morning & they said that they cannot see her for a couple of weeks. I said that "So hoping you could see her next Tuesday was wishful thinking on my part?" & she then said that they had a cancellation at 3.45 today. I said that I had to pick up my grand-son at that time but my darling, lovely husband called out that he would do that so I booked Mum in. He was going to play golf but said that taking Mum today was the best option. I rang the home & the nursing sister who had been very doubting answered the phone. I told her that it looks like Mum has Emphysema & that I had her booked in for a CAT scan but that Mum would have to fast for 4 hours beforehand. She said that may be difficult to have her eat so early but I said a sandwich would be fine. I picked Mum up & took her in. She was good today (unlike yesterday when we had a spat & that's why I didn't post) & all went fine.

When we got back another nurse had a look at the x-rays that I brought back with me & she said they didn't look good. I could see that both her lungs look like they have been peppered with shotgun pellets, but one has a small opaque mass & the other has a huge one on it. Anyone could see they look stuffed. No wonder Mum coughs every day & everything is a huge effort. Poor old thing.

Our GS is here & there is a great Vietnamese cooking show on that I love. I REALLY hope to be able to take both of our sons & our GK's to Vietnam for my 60th in May 2013. I am going to make it happen if it is at all possible. It would be lovely to go with my lovely family & it would really help our grand-kids see how life is for others.

Better go give my grandson a back scratch.

Love to all, xoxo Cate
 
AAww Cate, Sorry to hear about your mum. I hope the news is the better end of the diagnosis.

Just wanted to say that i'm sending you lots of squishy hugs sweetie. Xxxxx
 
Thanks Kate. You're an angel & very thoughtful. I hope so too, but mostly I just hope that my Mum doesn't suffer at all. She shouldn't have to. Unfortunately I have got used to death in the family with losing my brother 31 years ago(suicide) & then my sister & BIL 5 years ago(Lung Cancer/Colon Cancer) so can be reasonably fatalistic(realistic?) about death. The fact is she is 87 & going downhill mentally fairly quickly. I am not thinking the worst case scenario, more thinking about how her poor frail old body would not be able to cope with chemo or radiation. I think she would choose not to have it. We'll just have to wait & see what the diagnosis is & take it from there.

On a good note I have a quote to move my furniture from Mum's home over from my brother's to my place & it's very reasonable so that will happen soon. I will have to do some serious furniture shuffling around in my home to fit it in. I think I'll take Mum's desk in to her room so that she can see more of her things around her & be able to feel that she can keep her paper-work tidy.(ish) Plus a little coffee table will fit in too, next to her chair.

I'm taking her along to the medical centre at lunch-time today for the lung-function test so then the doctor should have all the information he requires to be able to make a decision on her treatment. It will be good to get her using puffers to help her breathing. I'm so glad that I pushed for this. The head nurse who didn't believe me when I said Mum had trouble breathing & coughed a lot will sure change her tune. I don't blame her at all as she has not spent the time that I have with my Mum.

The doctor said the other day that he rarely sees someone take so much care for their mother. Sad, but also kind & sweet. I'm glad Mum doesn't know how much I have stressed over her. Every time I see her she says what a good daughter I am & that I always have been. She tells everybody & I blush like crazy! Often I feel so guilty because she can annoy the living daylights out of me too. It's not her fault though.

Time to get moving again. My house is a mess & it's high time I did some serious housework. It won't be today though as I have another busy one coming up, including another Christmas dinner tonight, followed by more live music at our son's pub.

Love to all, xoxo Cate

PS Amendment- just got back from town. Have been in there aaages! The nurse was really late & then she decided that Mum was too old & to frail to go through with the really extensive lung function test. She tried doing the little one they do- peak flow monitor & Mum just couldn't get the hang of that either. She spoke to the doc & tests were abandoned. I have made an ap't next Wed morning & I will go on my own & have a talk with him. A serious, no holds barred talk about Mum & myself.

I got a letter saying counselling is at least 8 weeks away due to a huge demand. I'll ask the doc for a mild anti-depressant. I'm feeling ok. I feel better able to cope most of the time but it is so up & down that I wouldn't mind feeling more even. xo Cate
 
"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

~Groucho Marx.


The sun is shining again after days of torrential rain. I'm not sure what I'm doing today, but am in my exercise gear. I may go into town & go walking around the river track as it's mostly level. I feel like getting out of the house. My LH is about to head to golf. Our YS has a full-on Movember party happening with back yard cricket, retro gear, live music etc but I'm not in party mode.

My weight is stable & it's time I gave it a shake again. the only way for me to do that is to stop drinking & get moving more. I have hardly exercised the last week. i went over my cals by almost 600 on Friday so I'm lucky not to have gained. Kept within yesterday by getting on my stationary bike twice. Made it by 5 cals!


The sheep are madly bleating so will go out & feed them our kitchen scraps. I'm happy that my LH really likes having them here as when our neighbour takes them back we will buy some of our own. Hopefully we'll get some ewes in lamb. It's been lovely watching the lambs cavorting around the paddocks.

Bye for now, xoxo Cate
 
Whoah! The road to hell is paved with good intentions! I went into town & have had a ball! So much for good intentions! Had a great time! I feel really good & feel that I'm looking good (for an "old girl").......but..... 209 cals over for the day! BUGGER! I am really enjoying this new social life but can't keep it up forever (I don't think.)

I think I've over-indulged! If only alcohol was calorie-free! No, maybe that's not a good idea!

Happy Cate! Very happy tonight......

Maybe, a tad too "happy!"

Whoops!

xoxo Cate
 
Had a really good, very productive day today. My LH & I gave our house quite a good Spring clean & also made my MIL's Festive cakes for her. She expects us to make them each year at her house, but it is always really stressful. Our kitchen is well equipped, with a large double cafe sink(45 litres each) & hers is not & she always stands over us as if we don't know what we're doing & it is always an awful day. Today we did it all in about 1/3 the time, listening to music & it was a breeze. She got a bit of a shock when my LH told her on the phone that they were done. Probably us doing them at her place makes her feel that we are helping her, rather than the truth which is she hinders us. She'll get over it!

I'm taking Mum out to lunch tomorrow, after visiting my Tai Chi teacher first. We're going for a big walk & are going to try out some new exercise equipment that has been placed around our local town along the river walk. I'll spend the day in town & drop my LH off at golf & pick him up.

Feeling good, xoxo Cate
 
A:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

Heya cupcake. Reading your posts really made me smile...So pleased that you are really happy :) :) You're amazing and you deserve to be happy.

Love and hugs Xxx
 
& you are such a sweetie Kate! I'm glad I make you laugh as now it's mutual! :D I do feel happy again & am making myself get out & about more , just because I know it will help cheer me up.

I got a call from my TC friend this morning to say she had too many things to do so couldn't go for a walk with me. I started to feel down & said to my LH that I would stay at home if I hadn't promised my Mum that I would take her out to lunch. He said he would take his own car so that I could go in later & come home earlier but then I said "No, stuff it. I'll go now & I'll walk on my own!" which I did! We left home at 9am & didn't get back until 5. I took Mum to lunch & did some shopping with her. She bought a Summer bag in the op shop for only $4- BRAND NEW! We actually had a lovely time today. We were together for a few hours.

I also did lots of shopping for the golf club, stocked their bar again when I went back to pick my LH up, & all, in all, had a very nice day. We had lunch at "The Bush"(our YS's pub) & he was affectionate to both of us. I think he has trouble coping with my mum usually(know he does) so that was nice. It was a really hot & humid day, which is weird for Tasmania. Talk about climate change. The doubters need their heads read. Speaking of which I'll tell the doc that I can't get to see a counsellor for 8 weeks. I think I will resist anti-depressants if he offers them.....maybe. I should find out about Mum's test results in the morning & then I go straight to Tai Chi & hopefully lunch with them......unless they are all busy, like they were last week. I know they were actually busy but I really do enjoy the after-class as much as the class....well, almost.

OK- time to get back into my book. There is absolutely nothing that is watchable on tv tonight. Does anyone watch The Graham Norton Show? It was on last night. He's a scream!

Love to all & hugs & kisses as well to Kate, xoxo Cate

PS Might weigh myself in the morning, but only if I wake up feeling lighter!
 
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