Marsia's Diary

[Cate]

I hope we figure out how to cope with people like this without so much stress.

If you figure it out please let me know
I am going to avoid the women I don't like if I can. Today was lovely, playing golf with the vets.

I had more dances with worms today shoveling more mulch around the trees

That made me laugh. Did you do a cha cha cha?

We went out to our little mall which has lit up trees and spotlights around the chairs in the evening, and we bundled up and read outside. It was nice to get out and do something relaxing.

That sounds lovely xo

 

[Emilyrose]

Well done on your calm and professional email to C. I think that's really the best approach. It's tricky when you need to stay on the right side of people but you don't want to be a doormat either. It's a fine line.

The evening in the mall reading sounds lovely.

 

[liza3]

Dances with worms so great!

Yes dealing with tricky people...so hard...you sound like you are taking a very good approach with it all.

 

[Marsia]

If you figure it out please let me know
I am going to avoid the women I don't like if I can. Today was lovely, playing golf with the vets.

That made me laugh. Did you do a cha cha cha?

That sounds lovely xo

I definitely struggle a lot with how to not take on negative emotions when people are being mean, but from psychology I do know that you can overcome any archetype (like the mean girl archetype or trickster) by seeing that you are bigger and stronger than it is. I like how Thich Nhat Hanh talks about being careful which plants you water - to water the flowers and not the weeds if you want a flower garden. For me that means not feeling like someone has a negative influence over me, but instead seeing meanness as immaturity where the person is stuck at a young age. Often it seems like the person didn't learn healthy boundaries where they can politely ask for what they want, and they may do things like lash out, see the only way to do things as their way, and generally feel the need to control things because they don't feel they can handle things unless they can feel in control. I try to remember that I am dealing with a hurt child. I don't always succeed though! Other times I practice aligning myself with states I want to be in like compassion and I can just feel so much bigger and more expansive than my personality. When I am in that sort of state, I don't usually take things personally, but this is sort of random if I am even in a state like that. It's just something that comes and goes from practicing Buddhism. I think you have that when you hand out your hearts!
The worms here are crazy-fast red wigglers, and yes, they do the cha cha cha, but at lightening speed!

Well done on your calm and professional email to C. I think that's really the best approach. It's tricky when you need to stay on the right side of people but you don't want to be a doormat either. It's a fine line.

The evening in the mall reading sounds lovely.

Thanks Em! I think that's such a good point about not being a doormat.

Dances with worms so great!

Yes dealing with tricky people...so hard...you sound like you are taking a very good approach with it all.

Thanks!

 

[Cate]

I didn't realise we had a worm emoji

For me that means not feeling like someone has a negative influence over me, but instead seeing meanness as immaturity where the person is stuck at a young age. Often it seems like the person didn't learn healthy boundaries where they can politely ask for what they want, and they may do things like lash out, see the only way to do things as their way, and generally feel the need to control things because they don't feel they can handle things unless they can feel in control. I try to remember that I am dealing with a hurt child.

I'm going to try to remember this & it may help me too. It's worth a try.

 

[Marsia]

Hi Cate! Today was so nice. N and her daughter came over and we had a long walk on the beach where we found a ton of conch shells and it was super low tide, and we saw a strand dolphin swimming in the river. They go up onto shore after they scare the fish up on the sand banks, and a young one was practicing getting the fish up on the bank. He used his tail to splash, and it was interesting to watch him (or her). They are usually in pods, and this looked like an adolescent who got separated from the pod. I hope it finds it's family again. Then we got more plants in big pots into N's van, and my screen house is nearly empty now. We were so tired after the walk and hauling big pots around we just had a mellow evening. We're both sunburnt. Ate pretty well today except for that I made fried chicken with a cilantro dipping sauce. The cilantro was all volunteers that came up in the garden.

 

[Cate]

That sounds like a wonderful day. You deserve to be tired after all that. I love feeling tired when you have a good reason for it. I think contentment is one of my favourite feelings.

 

[liza3]

and we saw a strand dolphin swimming in the river. They go up onto shore after they scare the fish up on the sand banks, and a young one was practicing getting the fish up on the bank. He used his tail to splash, and it was interesting to watch him (or her).

This is really so interesting--I'd never heard of that before and just watched a video of them doing that. So neat that you got to see that!

The whole day does sound really lovely and tiring in the best sort of way.

 

[Emilyrose]

It's not nice to be sunburnt but I love that feeling in the evening time of having been out in the sun all day and feeling sort of revitalised and alive.

Often it seems like the person didn't learn healthy boundaries where they can politely ask for what they want, and they may do things like lash out, see the only way to do things as their way, and generally feel the need to control things because they don't feel they can handle things unless they can feel in control. I try to remember that I am dealing with a hurt child.

That sounds like me! Whoops! At least I'm aware of it, right?

 

[Marsia]

This is really so interesting--I'd never heard of that before and just watched a video of them doing that. So neat that you got to see that!

The whole day does sound really lovely and tiring in the best sort of way.

Thanks Liza, there are just a few places on earth with strand dolphins, so we were lucky to see one. The girls were sitting on the shore about 20 feet from him! It was a lovely day.

It's not nice to be sunburnt but I love that feeling in the evening time of having been out in the sun all day and feeling sort of revitalised and alive.

That sounds like me! Whoops! At least I'm aware of it, right?

The sunburn wasn't too bad, and I'm still feeling that great feeling you're describing today! I think there is a huge difference between the mean people Cate and I encountered who are purposely being crappy to people and when you or I lose it temporarily because we feel misunderstood and things like that. We feel bad afterwards and try to do better next time. I think you're doing so well in that department.

That sounds like a wonderful day. You deserve to be tired after all that. I love feeling tired when you have a good reason for it. I think contentment is one of my favourite feelings.

Contentment is the best!!

Today was an intense driving around day with 3 long appointments, crazy traffic, and we were out all day. I saw my therapist who was so encouraging and wonderful and non-judgmental about the codependent stuff like you all said! We picked up lunch at a grocery store and ate in a really nice park on a swing bench under the shade of a huge tree and went to a bookstore and looked at magazines and talked and I got a lot of papers graded and some classes planned out. Tomorrow's a lot more mellow, so I want to catch up on exercise. I am bushed.

 

[Cate]

You have well and truly earned a rest day. Sleep well, xoxo

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear your therapist was indeed supportive and well-intentioned. You have a solid hand for picking your support team!

 

[liza3]

So glad the appt with the therapist went well. The lunch in the park sounds so lovely!

 

[Marsia]

You have well and truly earned a rest day. Sleep well, xoxo

Thanks Cate, I slept great and woke up early and savored listening to a program in bed. One nice thing about this whole stressful situation is that it really makes me appreciate peacefulness, calm, happiness, and things like this at a whole new level. I was recently thinking of a day in Hawaii where K and I hiked down a ravine in the jungle to a giant set of waterfalls with a massive swimming hole at the bottom. We found a stream with a polished rock bottom and rode down it and waded back up all day until we could barley move we were so tired - one of the best days of my life. It's getting so that just waking up in the covers and feeling peaceful and so lucky to have a house and a bed and a daughter are feeling kind of similar to the best days like the day in Hawaii. It's like taking a moment of gratitude from the waterfall day.

Glad to hear your therapist was indeed supportive and well-intentioned. You have a solid hand for picking your support team!

Thanks Llama, I've also been really lucky. The attorney I contacted in California found my divorce attorney here, who recommended K's therapist, who recommended my therapist. So, from finding one attorney in CA (who incidentally gave me advice that saved us from homelessness and poverty) we got a whole support team. Incredible luck!

So glad the appt with the therapist went well. The lunch in the park sounds so lovely!

Thanks Liza, the park is in the area we like to hang out in best. It has our inexpensive gourmet grocery, our favorite bookstore, and really gorgeous walks, so it's nice when we're doing errands all day if we stop there and do something nice.

It's so good talking with my therapist. She let me know that she was really concerned about the same things I was with therapeutic visitation, and I felt really empowered and so much better.

I am going to start cutting out sugar for a couple of weeks and then seeing if I am doing well enough to start tracking calories. I would like to feel healthy again!!

 

[Llama]

It's so good talking with my therapist. She let me know that she was really concerned about the same things I was with therapeutic visitation, and I felt really empowered and so much better.

That's excellent. You can do this

 

[Cate]

It's like taking a moment of gratitude from the waterfall day.

It's so good talking with my therapist. She let me know that she was really concerned about the same things I was with therapeutic visitation, and I felt really empowered and so much better.

I love all of your last post. You deserve all of the luck, M!
It's wonderful that you can feel such gratitude for the good things in your life

 

[Emilyrose]

I was recently thinking of a day in Hawaii where K and I hiked down a ravine in the jungle to a giant set of waterfalls with a massive swimming hole at the bottom. We found a stream with a polished rock bottom and rode down it and waded back up all day until we could barley move we were so tired - one of the best days of my life. It's getting so that just waking up in the covers and feeling peaceful and so lucky to have a house and a bed and a daughter are feeling kind of similar to the best days like the day in Hawaii. It's like taking a moment of gratitude from the waterfall day.

Wow, that all sounds wonderful. x

 

[liza3]

That day in Hawaii sounds like a dream! Just beautiful!
So glad you are finding so much peace and contentment in the simple things these days. I often feel the same. They seem like simple things but we are so blessed to have them in our lives for sure.
Best of luck cutting out sugar!

 

[Marsia]

That's excellent. You can do this

Thanks Llama! I have since learned that C (the pain in the neck coordinator of therapeutic visitation) told K's individual therapist N that I was on board with the therapeutic visitation and knew it was going to happen soon. So it was really awkward letting N know that I didn't know about C planning the visitation because it showed that C lied about this. I am glad I could talk to my individual therapist and get validation because my therapist and N both look up to C for her work with children who are in bad divorce situations. So it's great that my therapist didn't bat an eye about C's actions being inappropriate. I needed a couple of days to think about that C purposefully lied to N about me knowing about all this. Now I see her as unethical, and I just won't agree to anything that we didn't initially talk about and agree to unless it seems like K would definitely benefit from it. I don't believe that she is actually looking out for K's best interests. It was really stressful thinking about all this because C is one of those people who act high status and expect people to do what they say. I think I am getting so I won't fall for this status play stuff in my life now. There have been so many people in the helping professions we've met who are like this and who don't actually advocate for children well.

I love all of your last post. You deserve all of the luck, M!
It's wonderful that you can feel such gratitude for the good things in your life

Thanks Cate! It's been wonderful! I feel that adversity is put in our way to help us mature and appreciate what we have, and it's just been great luck that I have been feeling such gratitude lately. It really balances out the stress, and I do feel like I am maturing and becoming a more aware person.

Wow, that all sounds wonderful. x

Thanks Em!!

That day in Hawaii sounds like a dream! Just beautiful!
So glad you are finding so much peace and contentment in the simple things these days. I often feel the same. They seem like simple things but we are so blessed to have them in our lives for sure.
Best of luck cutting out sugar!

Thanks Liza, I do feel blessed to have so many things in my life that make me so grateful. And I love how the little things all add up to something big when I appreciate them! I didn't do great about sugar yesterday. I forgot and used up a Korean barbecue sauce on some tofu which gave me a sweet tooth and then later I had an ice cream bar. I did really well the day before though and will just view yesterday as a hiccup. I am also having home made granola which has a bit of honey in it, but the carbs really seem to help first thing in the morning and then I don't crave more carbs throughout the day, so I think I'll keep the granola in my routine for now. I think I'll modify my no sugar goal to really low sugar.

We are loving positive psychology. We are reading a book on psychological strengths http://www.ldysinger.stjohnsem.edu/...Strengths/character-strengths-and-virtues.pdf that is the opposite to the DSM - the diagnostic manual of mental disorders. So far we read about humor (which is K's biggest strength) as a transcendent function, gratitude (which was high for both of us), and on the appreciation of beauty and excellence (my highest strength). We took a free test where if you click around at the end you can get your results of your strengths ranked with a little description of each one https://www.viacharacter.org/ . You do have to register to take the test and see your results though. It seems like all the stuff we are studying is so interconnected. It's such a good school year.

Anyway, I feel much better because I am going to stand up to J in mediation soon, and I will stand up to C and make sure she does what's best for K. I am a lot less drained and a lot more positive and feel good about things.

 

[Llama]

I have since learned that C (the pain in the neck coordinator of therapeutic visitation) told K's individual therapist N that I was on board with the therapeutic visitation and knew it was going to happen soon. So it was really awkward letting N know that I didn't know about C planning the visitation because it showed that C lied about this.

I agree that's completely wrong and you're right to not let her run roughshod over you.

C is one of those people who act high status and expect people to do what they say.

I wonder if she's so used to people agreeing with her high and mighty expert opinions she just assumes that if she's told you about her decisions that - of course - automatically means you agree. Unless she talked to N after you specifically told her you disagree. Then she's just a lying liar who lies. Not sure it really matters though: either way you're right to stick to your guns and not get intimidated.