Marsia's Diary

Marsia said:
So I am glad I am researching and preparing because I find these hidden gems of support online since so many other people have gone through this or supported clients who have gone through this. Thank goodness people understand narcissists now and I can reap the benefits of that!!
Click to expand...
I'm glad about that too!
Marsia said:
Thanks for normalizing my anxiety. I have been really feeling huge overwhelm in-between the periods of calm, and it isn't normal for me to yo-yo back and forth between extremes like this, and it makes me feel rather out of control.
Click to expand...
I know the feeling :grouphug:
I am glad you are spending time with friends & that your friend, N, has arranged for you to get some money for some of your plants. It's only fair. I'm certain that you are a very generous person.
 
I think dealing with divorce is a lot like other grief processes. (It's hard to process that something or someone you once valued either changed, turned out to be not what/who you thought, or doesn't fit with you anymore. Having that plus the person actively harmed you and you didn't really realize it for a long time would be so much harder.) Grief comes and goes: some days you think you're finally past it and then a tiny thing drops you into the pit of despair - or in this case anxiety - again.

By the way: morning routines are great but they work best combined with an evening routine. One of the things that most influence quality of sleep is getting up at the same time every time (or almost) and that tends to be easier if you have a somewhat similar bed time as well, with a screenless hour or so beforehand to help the brain calm down.
 
Hanging out with fellow gardeners always so fun! I miss that aspect of being at community gardens...
I am not very good with keeping stuff I don't enjoy in my routine...like the dishes or the laundry or even making myself practice piano every day! But it's funny I love waking with a morning meditation, followed by a good healthy breakfast with coffee, followed by body movement stuff...
I could definitely do with more spontaneity in my life though. I get kind of thrown when my routines get off course.
 
Cate said:
I'm glad about that too!

I know the feeling :grouphug:
I am glad you are spending time with friends & that your friend, N, has arranged for you to get some money for some of your plants. It's only fair. I'm certain that you are a very generous person.
Click to expand...
N is so nice and knows so many happy nice people. I am really glad we met her! Sorry you are also going through an anxious period. I hope we both can find calm and peace soon!!
Llama said:
I think dealing with divorce is a lot like other grief processes. (It's hard to process that something or someone you once valued either changed, turned out to be not what/who you thought, or doesn't fit with you anymore. Having that plus the person actively harmed you and you didn't really realize it for a long time would be so much harder.) Grief comes and goes: some days you think you're finally past it and then a tiny thing drops you into the pit of despair - or in this case anxiety - again.

By the way: morning routines are great but they work best combined with an evening routine. One of the things that most influence quality of sleep is getting up at the same time every time (or almost) and that tends to be easier if you have a somewhat similar bed time as well, with a screenless hour or so beforehand to help the brain calm down.
Click to expand...
Thanks Llama, I read what you wrote a few times so it really sinks in. It's good to be reminded of everything you are bringing up! I didn't realize that about combining a morning and evening routine, but that makes total sense, and I will try even harder to get my teen to sleep at a decent hour - much easier said than done!
liza3 said:
Hanging out with fellow gardeners always so fun! I miss that aspect of being at community gardens...
I am not very good with keeping stuff I don't enjoy in my routine...like the dishes or the laundry or even making myself practice piano every day! But it's funny I love waking with a morning meditation, followed by a good healthy breakfast with coffee, followed by body movement stuff...
I could definitely do with more spontaneity in my life though. I get kind of thrown when my routines get off course.
Click to expand...
Funny how too much structure or not enough influence things so much. I really need to be more disciplined and really like reading your diary because it shows me how many benefits there are to sticking to a routine. I am going to really experiment a lot with this before we move and see what sorts of routines we are actually good at keeping.

We got up at the correct time today, did our routine (minus the yoga which we'll do later) and did homework before heading out on errands, so we're doing well so far. I am finding that I am not as hungry lately and my weight is stabilizing. It is feeling really good getting rid of things and seeing progress. My arm is still improving little bit by bit, but wow, even digging up plants yesterday taxed it out a lot. It's a painful process, so I'm glad it will be a while before we have to box up the house.
 
That sounds like a good day, Marsia. Digging up plants is not light work. I hope your arm continues to get better xo
 
Your day gardening with N and her daughter really sounds lovely Marsia! And good for K to have made a new friend too.

Great that the arm is improving and you made a good start to the day. You're doing great. xx
 
Last edited:
Thanks everyone! I am feeling more hopeful about things lately. K had a bad day yesterday with failing her driving test with someone who would not give clear instructions and took about a 20 second pause before answering each of her questions. She felt the lady was purposefully making her feel nervous and being an obstructionist. The woman would only repeat the confusing thing she had just said again. I cheered K up by making a New York strip steak with mashed potatoes with lots of herbs and mushrooms in them. We had a total comfort food meal, and were so full we could hardly move. We did manage to sneak in yoga and got our homework done late that night. I am having trouble with routine partly because we just have so many appointments and some of them are really hard on K like therapy, so she is all over the place as far as mood and motivation to get things done. But we'll just do our best. We are going to go to a different Department of Motor Vehicles for the next driving test so K doesn't get that woman again.

Yoga is really helping my arm. I can find all sorts of good ways to stretch out the shoulder muscles gently and though it's slow progress, there is progress. I do think I'll go back to the pt soon and make sure that what I am doing is ok with him, too, though. I think you're right about digging up plants being harder work than it looks, Cate. Even my butt muscles are sore today!
 
Last edited:
Sorry to hear K had bad luck with her driving test. Some people really relish flexing their power over others.
 
Marsia said:
I am having trouble with routine partly because we just have so many appointments and some of them are really hard on K like therapy, so she is all over the place as far as mood and motivation to get things done. But we'll just do our best.
Click to expand...
That sounds like a good balance of trying to stick to the routine while also being flexible.
Really too bad about getting a difficult instructor like that for the test. Good idea to try a different place next time. I hope it goes much better for her next time.
 
Thanks everyone! I am about to go to bed, but will read K your comments in the morning. She was out of sorts today from the weird lady yesterday, so we took it easy with school work and went out and split a sandwich and had coffees and I read to her and we had a nice chat. She felt better by the end of the day. Did meditation this morning, but I slept through a lot of it, and yoga was good this evening - definitely can do deeper stretches, and it feels really good to release all that old tension. It's thundering and lightening out and raining really hard. I hope this doesn't make the remaining fruit trees hard to pick up in their big pots. A friend of Ns is coming to pick up the rest of the trees tomorrow. I had a really good talk on the phone with my lawyer today and good negotiations on the phone with J, which was unusual. I think he just got more subpoenas for accounts that he didn't list to family court, so knows he has to be more cooperative now. So it was a good day, and I am feeling relaxed listening to the rain. Plus it was cool and breezy today, which is always so nice when it's not hot or muggy here. Good day.
 
Marsia, you are such a good & lovely Mum. With you guiding her through her teens (I would hate to be a teen again) & through the divorce I am sure that K will be fine. She will learn to be resilient, which I think is incredibly important, but also she knows that she has you as a backup. I would always want you on my side :grouphug:
N's friend will manage the trees.
Yay for J realising that he had better be more cooperative. You would come over here & speak up for me out at the golf club & I would give J a piece of my mind! He's a nong! I haven't used that word for decades.
I hope K wakes up feeling better about the test & the weird person. She is learning so many lessons about how not to be. I would love to meet her & you one day xoxo
 
Yay for J getting caught in his lies! I hope he's inconvenienced in a way that makes him a better person. Probably not, of course, but we hope springs eternal.
 
Marsia said:
so we took it easy with school work and went out and split a sandwich and had coffees and I read to her and we had a nice chat. She felt better by the end of the day. Did meditation this morning, but I slept through a lot of it, and yoga was good this evening - definitely can do deeper stretches, and it feels really good to release all that old tension.
Click to expand...
That sounds so lovely. That deep stretching sounds so good. I really feel like I need some deeper and deeper stretches but did learn that i will definitely need to take it easy easing into that after putting my back out again... But yeah, really looking forward to when I can just really move into those tight spots and release them.
 
Cate said:
Marsia, you are such a good & lovely Mum. With you guiding her through her teens (I would hate to be a teen again) & through the divorce I am sure that K will be fine. She will learn to be resilient, which I think is incredibly important, but also she knows that she has you as a backup. I would always want you on my side :grouphug:
N's friend will manage the trees.
Yay for J realising that he had better be more cooperative. You would come over here & speak up for me out at the golf club & I would give J a piece of my mind! He's a nong! I haven't used that word for decades.
I hope K wakes up feeling better about the test & the weird person. She is learning so many lessons about how not to be. I would love to meet her & you one day xoxo
Click to expand...
I love the word nong! (I had to look it up!). I would so love to come visit you with K some day. I hope that will be possible!! N came over with her husband, and he was grouchy about all the lifting, but I could only help so much. It was good to have the trees go to a good home though. We got a little more spending money from them for the trees and went out to thrift stores and got K a nice computer/bookbag and a lot of gorgeous clothes. K really needed them as she grew again and her pants aren't long enough. I got lots of lovely new tops and a beautiful sweater and some jeans with flowers embroidered on them. Thanks for the nice compliment about me being a good mom. I did get really frustrated the other day with trying to do the new routine and having it go wrong each time and I lost my temper, but we had a long talk about why it's hard for K and how many new things she's doing, and it wound up clearing the air and with me seeing how hard she is trying.
Llama said:
Yay for J getting caught in his lies! I hope he's inconvenienced in a way that makes him a better person. Probably not, of course, but we hope springs eternal.
Click to expand...
I think J is going to have a rude awakening in mediation. It's very obvious everything he's done wrong, and the mediator is a former family judge, so J will see how it would look to go to family court with all the evidence we've collected against him. I have no hope for him becoming a better person. I think that people who lack empathy don't change substantially. But it is nice to hope for people's redemption!
liza3 said:
That sounds so lovely. That deep stretching sounds so good. I really feel like I need some deeper and deeper stretches but did learn that i will definitely need to take it easy easing into that after putting my back out again... But yeah, really looking forward to when I can just really move into those tight spots and release them.
Click to expand...
Thanks Liza! The stretches keep deepening and I am really seeing progress, which is very nice. I hope you can figure out what is happening with your back soon!!

I've been having to deal with a bunch of things I find frightening or intimidating lately - figuring out taxes in a divorce, figuring out how best to organize oodles and oodles of information I want to present in mediation, being better organized so doing a routine goes smoother when I am still feeling overwhelmed, and meeting all these new people who are helping with heavy plants that are awful to haul around. I am also at a point in therapy where the therapist wants to address that I must be codependent to end up with a husband like J, and I find that word ultra-insulting. I cancelled therapy last week because it conflicted with a call to the lawyer, but then the call got moved to later that week. But I was glad, because being called codependent actually makes my blood boil and I am glad I had time to think about things before going in and being angry with my therapist. Am I codependent? I guess I really need to ask her definition of the term. I sort of view codependence as being so dependent on someone that when you blatantly see how badly they treat you, you still stay. I think it's like being a frog in warm water that is slowly heating up over the fire over time, and then you get out when you figure out what is happening. But this last time I really stayed way too long because I was so afraid of being a single mom with no resources. So blah, I have to go to therapy and talk about this, and it feels overwhelming.

Other than that, I feel good about challenging my fears and just asking stupid questions and figuring things out. I never knew much about finances, and this a my crash course in them, and it feels like I will have a good relationship with figuring out money by the time this is all done. It helps immensely that K and I just took economics and personal finance. Weight is up again, but not all the way. We need more walking and aerobics.
 
Last edited:
I'm sure you're the last person I need to tell this but you're allowed to disagree with your therapist. Asking them for their definition of the term and why they think it applies to you sounds sensible and you can go from there.
How old is K again? I hope that last growth spurt was a welcome one!
 
Thanks Llama! I really am not sure who is right. I stayed with someone who made me really unhappy, but it was so gradual it didn't really compute, so the therapist probably has a point, it's just the label that smarts. I do need to sort out why this happened, but it's very painful to think about. K is almost 18, and she is like me, she is still growing at this age. I grew another half inch in college even. She's ok with it because she is not tall like me, she's slightly below average height, and she wants to be taller.
 
Marsia said:
I really am not sure who is right. I stayed with someone who made me really unhappy, but it was so gradual it didn't really compute, so the therapist probably has a point, it's just the label that smarts. I do need to sort out why this happened, but it's very painful to think about.
Click to expand...
It may be painful to think about because our culture likes to blame people for their own abuse and a label might make you feel like the therapist saying it's your fault. That would be painful to me as well, especially because K suffered, too! But that's not what it's about in therapy (at least I very much hope not): it's about finding old patterns and behaviors that may have made it more likely for you to end up and stay in that sucky environment and identify or develop new ones that might keep you safer in the future.
 
Therapy can be so emotionally exhausting. I do hope you have some good conversations with the therapist about it all and find some good ways forward. That is interesting about finding the co-dependent label as insulting. I never thought of it as that way...I can see your point, but I guess I would see it similar to identifying an anxiety disorder. Anyway, I don't think the labels matter, just how are we going to move forward in life to living the life we want to live...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top