Marsia's Diary

[liza3]

I am so glad you have your therapist to support you to stand up for your needs in this whole process. You sound very strong, which is great but it's good to have the support of others too as it can be exhausting standing up for oneself and easy to move to self-doubt. (well for me anyhow)

I love the idea of focusing on psychological strengths. It can become so easy to focus on our weaknesses. I know for me i can get caught in focusing on my anxiety disorder, but I do have a lot of really good strengths so it's good to remember to stay focused on those!

 

[Cate]

Thanks Cate! It's been wonderful! I feel that adversity is put in our way to help us mature and appreciate what we have, and it's just been great luck that I have been feeling such gratitude lately. It really balances out the stress, and I do feel like I am maturing and becoming a more aware person.

I admire how strong you are, Marsia. I'm sure you have your moments of doubt, but I see you as being stronger with everything that comes along. I might do that test later.
I just started it, but realised halfway through that I must be feeling down about myself & stopped. I might go back to it later. I love that you are feeling grateful & positive through all of this, M xoxo
Edit: I just went back & completed it. It was interesting & food for thought. My top strength is honesty, followed by love, gratitude, bravery & kindness. Zest was my least. I'm glad I did that test. Thanks, M

 

[Marsia]

I agree that's completely wrong and you're right to not let her run roughshod over you.

I wonder if she's so used to people agreeing with her high and mighty expert opinions she just assumes that if she's told you about her decisions that - of course - automatically means you agree. Unless she talked to N after you specifically told her you disagree. Then she's just a lying liar who lies. Not sure it really matters though: either way you're right to stick to your guns and not get intimidated.

Thanks Llama! It's really nice having your support!! C did not talk with me about this except months and months ago when we set up the therapy, and what she's doing now is not what we agreed to at all.

I am so glad you have your therapist to support you to stand up for your needs in this whole process. You sound very strong, which is great but it's good to have the support of others too as it can be exhausting standing up for oneself and easy to move to self-doubt. (well for me anyhow)

I love the idea of focusing on psychological strengths. It can become so easy to focus on our weaknesses. I know for me i can get caught in focusing on my anxiety disorder, but I do have a lot of really good strengths so it's good to remember to stay focused on those!

Thanks Liza, I used to have terrible trouble standing up for myself, and now I am finally doing it and it feels really empowering. It is still exhausting and kind of scary, but also really good to stop being afraid and be on my own side instead. I also focus way too much on my social anxiety, but I am learning to be more ok with it. I like the idea of appreciating what we are good at!

I admire how strong you are, Marsia. I'm sure you have your moments of doubt, but I see you as being stronger with everything that comes along. I might do that test later.
I just started it, but realised halfway through that I must be feeling down about myself & stopped. I might go back to it later. I love that you are feeling grateful & positive through all of this, M xoxo
Edit: I just went back & completed it. It was interesting & food for thought. My top strength is honesty, followed by love, gratitude, bravery & kindness. Zest was my least. I'm glad I did that test. Thanks, M

Wow, thank you Cate!! I am feeling way stronger and lots more competent. I am glad you liked the test and that it helped with feeling better! My top ones are: Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Gratitude, Humility, Honesty, and Love. My bottom one is leadership. I do not like leading groups at all!

Today was nice - our walk today was on the beach, and though it is getting muggy already, there was a strong breeze and lots of pretty jellyfish washed up on shore. K is designing her home page for her website for school, and I finished up organizing for mediation. I am done, and I feel as ready as I'll ever be, and it's not for a while, so that's a nice feeling to be done ahead of time so I don't have to worry anymore.

I ate well today: granola and milk for breakfast, brown rice with salsa, cheese, and a cilantro sauce for lunch, and steelhead trout and creamed spinach with smoked paprika for dinner. I did have a very small glass of peanut butter chocolate smoothie because K wanted me to make her some, and it's too delicious to pass up.

 

[Cate]

Your day sounds really good, M. It's great that you feel so well prepared for mediation & have time to relax beforehand. Doing that test I found a bit daunting as it meant facing my feelings, but I'm glad I did it.

 

[Llama]

You sound like you've dug yourself out from under the crap people piled on top of you over the years and it must feel good.

 

[Marsia]

Your day sounds really good, M. It's great that you feel so well prepared for mediation & have time to relax beforehand. Doing that test I found a bit daunting as it meant facing my feelings, but I'm glad I did it.

I hope we both can keep thinking about what we do well. I think the emphasis in society of bettering ourselves by working on our weaknesses is valuable, but acknowledging and using our strengths makes us feel more and more like ourselves and is empowering. People don't seem to talk so much about fulfilling our potentials in a positive way where we do what comes naturally to us. I think this is really important to feeling fulfilled and energized about our lives.

You sound like you've dug yourself out from under the crap people piled on top of you over the years and it must feel good.

Yes, I think so!! Thanks for this, and it does feel so good to not believe this stuff that weighed me down before. I am not all the way there yet as far as believing in myself again, but I do feel way better. I also feel very strongly that I won't go along with people trying to be weird to me. I am so tired of people who bring the people around them down!

Just woke up and think I'll go make some tea and see what it's like outside. I hear lots of loud, happy birds!

 

[liza3]

Oh making a cup of tea and then going out to see what the happy birds are up to sounds so nice!

Today was nice - our walk today was on the beach, and though it is getting muggy already, there was a strong breeze and lots of pretty jellyfish washed up on shore.

Your walks always sound so lovely with all the nature appreciation thrown in!

 

[Marsia]

Thanks everyone! It's definitely the best season for listening to the birds. They are singing up a storm and it's cool and nice out, so nice to sit on the porch and listen to the symphony. I think both K and I are purging stress the last few days. We both sit and feel waves of it and then feel better. On our walk last night K talked about how surprised she gets that I am nearly 60 and that could mean that we don't have much time left together. I told her that we need to make the most of our time and do the nice things we want to do together soon, like traveling abroad, just to be sure that I'm still in good health and before she gets too busy with her career and everything. It was a good talk and it reminded me to get back in shape so I do have more time with her.

We're getting more organized about school assignments so I have some time to myself to get the house ready to sell and finish getting the yard nice. The lawn is pretty scraggly. While we were gone 2 months from home the sprinkler system stopped working and wasn't worked on until I noticed when we returned, so the lawn needs work now, and it's a huge lawn. I have some clover and annual grass seeds that I'll seed the worst parts with and see how it goes. I have to get K to help me make an online appointment with my phone, which I hate using, because the online appointment app thingy for pt doesn't not work for laptops. I think I need new exercises because I can now touch the ground in a forward bend, but I still can't lift up my upper arm well when reaching over my head. That feels like the muscles in the back of my shoulder area, and I have no exercises for those. It's been really good using the massage gun on my neck and shoulders while we study. My shoulders and neck used to feel rock hard, and they are now pliable and feel like actual flesh again. It really helps for when we do yoga. I am able to do really good neck stretches and lift far out of my shoulders now. The Tens machine (electrode zapper thing) is really nice, too.

Not much new, just still feeling so better that I am prepared legally and letting it soak in that there is nothing left to do in that regard.

 

[liza3]

Always a good idea to make the most of our time here, as we never know when we will go for sure!
Best of luck with the lawn--I have only a tiny strip of grass left in my section. The landlords were really into converting the lawn over into other types of plants and I am glad they did. I think it's much easier to care for this way. Drought tolerant and also home to lots of birds
So good to hear of the increase in your mobility. I hope you can get another appt to see what to add next to continue the progress!

 

[Llama]

Lawn is kind of a waste of space unless you have kids who play on it. Takes lots of water and offers neither food nor shelter to native wildlife. But for some reason we feel like it's a compulsory part of a garden.

 

[Cate]

The lawn was there when you bought the house & I know you would want it looking its best purely for resale reasons. I hope you can get it looking shmick again.
Re K mentioning that you may not have much time together: 85 is a reasonable outlook these days. I sure plan on getting to that age. You two are already making the most of it. I agree that we have to do what we can to be able to be healthy for whatever time we have left xo

 

[Emilyrose]

How old were you when you had K, Marsia?

I did the VIA test there. My top one is Forgiveness. My bottom one is Self-Regulation. Go figure. Lol.

Glad you are feeling good.

 

[Marsia]

Always a good idea to make the most of our time here, as we never know when we will go for sure!
Best of luck with the lawn--I have only a tiny strip of grass left in my section. The landlords were really into converting the lawn over into other types of plants and I am glad they did. I think it's much easier to care for this way. Drought tolerant and also home to lots of birds
So good to hear of the increase in your mobility. I hope you can get another appt to see what to add next to continue the progress!

Thanks Liza! My lawn really stressed me out when I inherited it. The previous people put weed killer on it, and we live next door to a swamp ! I was planning on just keeping the front little lawn mowed, but adding clover because we wanted to have honey bees. I had a whole orchard fence I put up and a plan for where each fruit tree went, and a bigger plan for a permaculture garden in the orchard where wildflowers grew until the weed killer dissipated. (I do everything in big raised beds now because of the weed killer.) I have piles of decomposed wood chips and a massive compost pile, and so many plans for getting rid of the darn lawn. And then I found out I'm moving and need to dig out my fence posts around the orchard area and get the lawn nice again. At least I have lots of good amenities to help the lawn look nice again. So, I am going to think of this as my contribution to getting the yard nice again for all the creatures who live around the swamp. I definitely will do another pt appointment soon. I did a bunch of yard work today and my arm feels like it wants to fall off. I just can't wait until it heals and I have my strength back again.

Lawn is kind of a waste of space unless you have kids who play on it. Takes lots of water and offers neither food nor shelter to native wildlife. But for some reason we feel like it's a compulsory part of a garden.

I know, I feel the same. One nice thing is that the last people dug a shallow well, so the water used to water the lawn is from the property, so it isn't as resource intensive as if it were being watered with city water.

The lawn was there when you bought the house & I know you would want it looking its best purely for resale reasons. I hope you can get it looking shmick again.
Re K mentioning that you may not have much time together: 85 is a reasonable outlook these days. I sure plan on getting to that age. You two are already making the most of it. I agree that we have to do what we can to be able to be healthy for whatever time we have left xo

Thanks Cate! When we moved here, the lawn looked like someone who was a groundskeeper kept it up - mowed in absolutely straight lines that were mind-bogglingly perfect. I hope I can get it looking at least partially as good. I think they seeded with annual grass, so I'll try that. I like the word "shmick"! I hadn't heard that before, but it perfectly onomonopiazes how I want things to look! That would be amazing if I made it to 85, especially if I am still sharp intellectually. My mom's side of the family lives a long time, so hopefully I'll be around a lot longer. I bet you will get to 85 - you're so active and social and positive!


Today was good. I got a few things spackled where paint peeled off the walls (from the floor people putting up insanely strong tape on the walls a while ago) and needed patching. I also bailed out these big kiddy pools that were massive saucers for my bigger plants. They had filled with water and then frogs moved in and I didn't want to hurt the frogs, but now that the frogs are gone, I got all the water out of them and my deck no longer looks like a big science experiment. Did 3 loads of laundry and folded it, and did a big load of dishes and school, so nice productive day. I ate only veggies for dinner which felt nice.

 

[Marsia]

How old were you when you had K, Marsia?

I did the VIA test there. My top one is Forgiveness. My bottom one is Self-Regulation. Go figure. Lol.

Glad you are feeling good.

Thanks Em!! I was 41. It was my last chance to have a kid, and I just snuck her in! Forgiveness is a really mature virtue - I am not great at it, but I would like to be. It's about seeing the inherent value in everyone even if they did things that negatively impact you, and not carrying around negative emotions about them for longer than you need to. I am not good at self regulation either, and neither is K. We both laughed about it because we're very alike in how we are so undisciplined. I'm supposed to help K have a routine to provide stability and calm, and trying to get us to stick to a routine makes me want to pull my hair out. So much for stability and calm!

 

[Cate]

Thanks Cate! When we moved here, the lawn looked like someone who was a groundskeeper kept it up - mowed in absolutely straight lines that were mind-bogglingly perfect. I hope I can get it looking at least partially as good. I think they seeded with annual grass, so I'll try that.

Trying to keep a lawn would do my head in. I don't do neat!

I like the word "shmick"! I hadn't heard that before, but it perfectly onomonopiazes how I want things to look!

I love that word.

That would be amazing if I made it to 85, especially if I am still sharp intellectually. My mom's side of the family lives a long time, so hopefully I'll be around a lot longer. I bet you will get to 85 - you're so active and social and positive!

My Mum still had all of her marbles until she was about 85, but then gradually lost them after that & lived until she was 91. Her last 2 years were awful & she was a shell of who she once was. We do not want that!
Well done on a very productive day, M

 

[Llama]

No wonder your arm is tired after being so active! It's great that it keeps improving though and it sounds like you're getting the house looking wonderful for sale.

 

[liza3]

It's funny with lawns--i can quite like the look of them--the nice clear empty spaces especially when they are well balanced with some nice big trees. When I was growing up we had lots of lawn areas to play on, but when we moved houses to a smaller yard space, my dad slowly kept changing the lawn over to garden space. I begged him to keep some grass, because although I was no longer a kid, I loved to sit out on the lawn and do my homework. So yeah I can see the appeal of lawns, but they do seem like a lot of work if they want to be kept just so. And now with more droughts none of the lawns in my area stay looking nice as they are the first thing that gets restricted with watering rules.
What a shame about the weed killer used on it though. I like that you inherited it and were making it into a more environmentally friendly space.

They had filled with water and then frogs moved in and I didn't want to hurt the frogs, but now that the frogs are gone, I got all the water out of them and my deck no longer looks like a big science experiment.

Oh man that sounds so great--frogs moving in so easily...that's what I want for my space!

 

[Llama]

And now with more droughts none of the lawns in my area stay looking nice as they are the first thing that gets restricted with watering rules.

Do you use English grass? I remember the golf courses in southern Spain using extremely tough, drought resistant grass varieties to save on water (they weren't allowed to pipe in off-site water). If the grass is mostly decorative and doesn't have to survive kids playing soccer that leaves you with a lot more options.

 

[Emilyrose]

Well done on such a productive day. I hope I sneak in a kid too! You and K have such a lovely relationship. x

 

[Marsia]

Trying to keep a lawn would do my head in. I don't do neat!

My Mum still had all of her marbles until she was about 85, but then gradually lost them after that & lived until she was 91. Her last 2 years were awful & she was a shell of who she once was. We do not want that!
Well done on a very productive day, M

Thanks Cate! I am right there with you about neatness. I like a casual yard filled with flowers and edibles. I have to watch it and get my weight down. Alzheimers and pancreatic cancer run in my family. We really don't want that!

No wonder your arm is tired after being so active! It's great that it keeps improving though and it sounds like you're getting the house looking wonderful for sale.

Thanks Llama! I have a ways to go. I have to dismantle all my raised beds and haul a ton of soil around, so I really want to get my arm better faster. I made another pt appointment, and am hoping that this doesn't take as long to recover from as people say. My other arm is really getting stronger because of this!

It's funny with lawns--i can quite like the look of them--the nice clear empty spaces especially when they are well balanced with some nice big trees. When I was growing up we had lots of lawn areas to play on, but when we moved houses to a smaller yard space, my dad slowly kept changing the lawn over to garden space. I begged him to keep some grass, because although I was no longer a kid, I loved to sit out on the lawn and do my homework. So yeah I can see the appeal of lawns, but they do seem like a lot of work if they want to be kept just so. And now with more droughts none of the lawns in my area stay looking nice as they are the first thing that gets restricted with watering rules.
What a shame about the weed killer used on it though. I like that you inherited it and were making it into a more environmentally friendly space.

Oh man that sounds so great--frogs moving in so easily...that's what I want for my space!

Thanks Liza! I really like how lawns look if they are balanced, too. Our front lawn is really charming, but here you would not sit on the lawn. The swarms of little red fire ants and huge bite-y ants that take chunks out of you would find you in a few minutes. Here the trees grow in super fast, so I think lawns are an attempt to keep some sunlight and clear space around people's houses. Also clear space helps for not stepping on poisonous snakes, which are in abundance here, too. The frogs are amazing! There was a little green tree frog hanging out on the mailbox all day yesterday.

Well done on such a productive day. I hope I sneak in a kid too! You and K have such a lovely relationship. x

Thanks Em, and I hope you do get to sneak a kid in, too!! I don't think there is anything more wonderful in the world than being a mom.

Well, yesterday, instead of answering my questions about therapeutic visitation, C sent me, J, and all the therapists an email about how the therapeutic visitation will take place, including her telling everyone that I will wait in the parking lot, and she will walk K in and out of therapy with J in person. I wrote her back in a separate email and told her that will not be happening. I also agreed to all the therapy dates in the general email so that J thinks things are going well. I want mediation to go smoothly. After mediation I'll schedule a phone call with C. I don't want the stress of messing with her until after I get through mediation.

I had all these plans to get good projects done yesterday, but I got so upset with C that I only got an email out to her (which I rewrote many times) and got school and meditating done. So this weekend we'll be really productive. K really wants to be caught up on school so that she can go look for a job. She's really excited about that.