Fiera's Diary

Uh oh more oxytocin. lol. Last night he kissed me as we headed in to the reunion. I said playfully "Is this part of the 'just friends" plan? Anyway a good time was had and saw lots of folks including much of the 4th of July gang (DK, BM, JM, GB [P], Eric, Roq, plus rare appearance by Benny (?). Chris J, L's old friend actually showed up along with V's younger sister and a friend but it was so loud I didn't catch their names. M who used to be a dentist and hated it. Ani J. SH and his robotic sidekick. L&T. Ric---- (white shirt). We missed DJ R sadly, but his set was so early and he did not stick around. Lateish, Chris came in, said he found me by my dancing style rather than being able to see me without his glasses on. He is timeless, ageless. We figured that it has been 14 years since he walked into a nearly empty bar and we talked about a local record label and became friends. He turned 40 which makes him a hair older than I was when we first met. Life is funny like that.

Anyway, my spirit was dancing more than my actual body. The knees were not happy, but it would be so fun to lose at least 20 more pounds and be able to actually move a lot more freely. I am doing so much better with my eating and didn't feel a need to snack last night when I (we) got home. I think the keto friendly food really makes a difference.

Dinner at AN's was delicious. The man can cook. I forgot about these little details but he makes all the little sauces and salsas from scratch. Pico de gallo, avocado salad, some kind of green salsa for our pastor tacos. He even made homemade ice cream for dessert.

He had finished a video project in record time AND made dinner. He was in a pretty happy place when I showed up. I am seeing manifestations of him getting back to a healthier headspace and I really enjoy his sense of humor and seeing him just relax and enjoy himself. The last several years have been pretty awful for him.

Next Sat is a shoot I offered to help with a split second before he was going to ask me. Proggy is feeling upset and neglected I think after last weekend and this weekend so I might drive down and have dinner with him later or this week. AN and I were up til almost 4AM tho so probably not today.

I know that nothing ventured nothing gained in this life and I feel content right now but I also have unease at the prospect of feeling this and then come crashing to the ground at some point, Hence the just friends thing "until it grows into something else". I think we are both battle worn and wary.

It has been a long time since anyone held me. Let alone someone who feels like an old familiar warm blanket. Whatever tomorrow holds, enjoying this is in real time seems like something significant and healing.
 
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Fiera said:
Whatever tomorrow holds, enjoying this is in real time seems like something significant and healing.
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I like that. Guarding your heart is difficult but enjoying the now is worth a bit of unease sometimes.
 
OMG I almost forgot to mention, As I arrived at AN's for dinner last night, I saw a signal message from Jason. My ghost, from that brilliant era. It has been a while and there has been no inclination to be in contact. Well. He sends me a photo of combined cathedral images and says he has been in Zurich London and Dublin lately and will be near me in a little over a week. He doesn't ask to meet up but of course he is feeling me out. My reaction was visceral; hard no. Like I want to do anything else to disturb my peace when I am already stirred up over AN and Proggy. lol. I haven't written him a response yet but I will tomorrow.

Proggy read me the riot act today. First it was for not responding to his messages this morning and second for letting AN stay overnight. I told him yesterday that I didn't have time for drama. He was careful today to stay in his lane, but urged me not to get involved with AN because it will end for the same reason it did before. It ended up sparking far reaching conversation which reaffirmed our commitment to remaining good friends.

Thank goodness for people in my life who speak truth and speak their mind. I am trying really hard not to take responsibility for protecting/managing other people's reactions, and trying to be transparent and honest. I have been a habitually guarded person who manages the message to try to protect other peoples feelings (thereby robbing them of both their agency and my authenticity). In the end it is so much simpler and better to speak openly and with sensitivity.

[Trigger warning: fat shaming]

Actually, I think the real reason I don't want to see Jason, besides stirring me up more, is because I am ashamed of my weight. That's some truth right there. It is fine to be older. It's another thing to have let yourself go. I didn't end up wearing an old outfit at all last night, because nothing fit, It was black jeans and a t shirt, and short boots. It is probably time to start getting rid of most of the clothes and accessories from that era.
 
Sounds like you're being very sensible about all this so far. Risks are inherent to life but a bit of care does help.
 
Ooooh I slept good last night. I was a bit tired all day yesterday. I did get up early for the OB/GYN appt. I turned down a dog walk with SB and cooked and cleaned dishes for a couple of hours, After all, I have found that cooking kale, spinach, sweet potatoes etc up front greatly increases the likelihood I will actually consume them daily.

I arrived at AN's at 2PM. We walked to the music store (which was far longer than my stamina allowed) where they did not have the audio cables we were looking for. We stopped at the resale shop on the way back to his house Once we got back he took a shower and futzed with some old cables and a Pod I brought over and finally made a semi-functional setuo where we can hear each other in headphones...ads and effects...without connecting to speakers...which means we can turn it up without bothering his landlord above.

I actually don't mind the sound of my voice in that setup. A little reverb does wonders for your confidence 😄 And at least I can stay on pitch.

AN is not always on pitch, but I am finding if we sing together in octaves I can sort him out and it sounds kind of good..college radio ish.

KDog has to go to the doggie dentist today. Going to leave in a minute. I hope my wonderful little girl will be OK. Anesthesia and surgery are always a risk, esp in an older dog, I would be lost without her.
 
Best of luck to K-dog! Making music together is such a wonderful part of being human - and how good you are at it doesn't really matter that much if it isn't your job.
 
Today will be a very pleasant day. One of few left because, after all, we are in October now. And I got a decent nights' sleep. So....winter chores. Cleaning and covering the 2 window A/C's which involves using a ladder. Then cleaning windows which involves more ladder and upper body strength because of old metal storm tracks don't easily slide out. I may just end up hose spraying and sponging the outer storms to try to get a layer off. I hired a company one year but they disintegrated during the pandemic - he couldn't find college kids who wanted to do the work.

Anyway, the idea is to just do what I can today in the most important spots, I do wish I could wear contacts for this. Along with anything else involving water. Alas. I still hope that after the current round of medical BS is over I will eventually be able to wear daily wear contacts for up to a few hours at a time.

Separately, I am finding some simple joy and peace in the practice of "staging" the room before I leave it. Being more aware and attentive to putting things where they belong, disccovering what I need to do to be more organized. An example was I took all of the supplements I am not currently taking out of the overflowing kitchen basket and moved them to a closet. In the closet, I found a bunch of foundation (makeup) which I had been hanging on to, both opened and unopened, in various shades, after my favorite mousse style foundation had been discontinued. The opened ones were trash. I kept 2 unopened ones and moved those in the bathroom with the rest of my makeup, and then I went through that and started tossing duplicates (emery boards, broken eye shadow, nubby lipstick). I rarely wear any makeup now anyway, but I had always had 2 of everything because one set was for travel. The best thing I did was prioritize my peace over prioritizing hanging on to things I might need some day. This is different than making a decision about family heirlooms because of course there is some sentimental value there, Even so, I didn't seek out my great grandmothers silver serving tray, I don't anticipate ever using it, and if my cousins don't want and I have no kids, it is time to SELL it.

I found I have so much unnecessary stuff that I don't even know is here. I felt like I had done a good job of decluttering after L moved out but the truth is, I mostly decluttered his stuff or "our" stuff. I have never really decluttered my stuff, And stuff, mostly, is overrated.

I am grateful for the hour of peace which I have had this morning to write and reflect. No phone calls, no texts, no sense of panic or rushing, no longing. Rather, grounding, open, self-care.

Oh, scale at 166.5. Not getting exercise, not even a daily dog walk, but calorie management is easier with the focus on semi paleo and having no chips, sweets, chocolate, or regular ice cream in the house, I do have some oat milk frozen chocolate treats and fruit flavored frozen treats, but so far these are proving safe to have in the freezer. No Proggy = easier to manage foods.
 
Ok I don't have time to write but what a day.
KDog did well and is still recovering. Under that tartar were some beautiful teeth!
I lost my favorite necklace. After a couple of hours looking everywhere for it, and calling places I was at yesterday, I discovered I'd also lost my favorite pen. The necklace was purchased from a street vendor on the bridge in Prague on a perfectly gorgeous day circa 2015/2016. It is quintessentially me and very unique and goes with everything. After picking up KDog I spent a couple more hours retracing my steps from yesterday, including the 2.5 mile r/t walk from AN's to the music store and the resale shop as well. And CVS/parking lot. A phone call came from the OB/GYN office around 5P and the located the pen, The spelt Norweigian maple pen which came from an arts festival - I want to say with S but maybe AN after a trip up North and hitting this festival in the rain in D or HP and then heading to see the weatherman give a talk. I will have to ask AN if he remembers being with me.

All told I spent maybe 8 hours today searching, calling, checking and rechecking to no avail. Then I went looking online to find a similar replacement for the necklace and so far have come up empty. I don't even think I have a good photo of it to show to an artisan.

I have tried to chalk it up to the Universe telling me to move forward and find some new favorite things and new experiences.

Also....Jason. I didn't take his oblique ask and forced him to come out directly and ask me to get together. Good boy. lol. He is stupid like a fox. In any event though I am feeling turbulent about everything...and I don't need to add him on top of it. So I am super proud of my self awareness and my knowing my limits, even though it was going to potentially let him down. He says he has some things he really would like to share, things he doesn't feel like he can share with more than a couple of people. I told him I was open to listening, but not on his timetable. So we will have to settle for a call when I feel like I am more settled.

Yay for me. I have grown. Granted I have not seen him in years, It sounds like he is having a tough time and a relationship ended but that makes it even more dangerous for me. I grabbed a cup of relaxing tea and a xanax after that series of texts but I just feel like I did exactly the right thing for myself and that makes me feel happy and peaceful.

Tomorrow I have a lot of catching up to do though. I lost an entire day.
 
I had a quick talk this morning with Saylor which was really helpful. Trying to be forthcoming about my feelings of underlying turbulence and how to stay ahead of it.

Themes:

Medical appointments/docs/notes combined with cognitive/memory causing stress and fluster, time suck

Guys: Navigating way forward w/ Proggy (security blanket), adding AN; trying to add and not take away at a esp. time when my stamina is low. Then Jason coming out of woodwork adding to conflicting feelings of time suck, failing someone, and fat shaming.

Revising old bands and club reunions past couple of weeks stirs up a side of me which has been relatively at rest and has emotional associations and memories

Fear of losing memories (facilitated by physical objects) is really about hanging on to the person I used to be (one who was interesting and lived vibrantly) rather than the person I see myself as today or who I have yet to become. Hoarding.

Additionally, I realized after talking with Saylor that in my dream last night, TKH (romantic interest from 1991-1993 ish) showed up and slotted himself in by coming up and wrapping his arms around me in a hug from behind and boom it was like instant boyfriend without so much as a howdy do. We were together from that instant in the dream. In reality there is no effing way but in reality is that what AN represents? That sort of easy-on switch?

Then I recalled that the day or two prior I had a dream where I was counting calories in my sleep. The day was only a bit excessive until I remembered a 500 calorie something which pushed the day's total to 2500.

I almost never remember my dreams so it is interesting to see that my subconscious is working on all the same topics.

If TKH pops up out of the woodwork in the next time period I will be shocked. But considering that he surface around 1999-2000 then ghosted after asking for and receiving a photo which substantiated my 50+ pound weight gain and red hair....I don't expect that to happen in reality.
 
Another wake-up at 3 Am, another dream. This time, something about being in a 2nd story rented room in some kind of motelish setting where the night clubby crew are dancing, music etc on the first floor of the building just out and below. I check myself before I exit the room and see that my hair is down and looking scraggly and needs to be pulled up. I am using the glass reflection inside the door to pull my hair up and out of my glasses in to a ponytail when I hear a voice and someone starting to open the storm door. I am not sure but as I open the door it dawns on me that it is my almost 80 year old quite overweight father, who is barely ambulatory. As my brain struggles to process how he got here he mumbles almost inaudibly, "I'm sorry. I'm going to get you into trouble" and collapses into me while I help him slide down next to the bed.

I know our dreams are only interesting to ourselves but this is a good place for me to capture this stuff. 3 times in one week I recalled a dream. It's crappy that I am waking up in the middle of the night to do it, but...wondering why the switch. It's good. (recent changes: iron about a week; consistent probiotic, more paleoish diet/avoiding dairy-sugar-processed-carbs but naan yesterday, and of course oxytocin).

As far as interpreting well, not sure, Dad told me yesterday that he watched the entire reunion slideshow looking for pictures of me (he saw my ex hubby and he saw my name in the credits). That was like an hour of content. It was interesting that he finally saw something about that phase of my life and friends. I mentioned how I used to leave the house at 9 to drive to the city and how I would get home at like 4AM. And how we were good kids, there really weren't drugs or anything or people getting drunk. It was social and music and dancing. I could tell that it wasn't what he had imagined (or probably my mom either). And I put it into context for him, about how I followed the music, made new friends, and how the hometown could never have offered me that. His usually judgemental voice was quiet and he was just absorbing.

In the dream I think he felt like he was having a health emergency/heart attack and knew that he wasn't supposed to be there in club, like he thought it was going to create issues for me socially, but he needed my help.
 
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It is interesting that you suddenly remember dreams when you generally have trouble imagining/remembering things you can't see. How nice that your dad took an interest in your reunion when he never used to really show any.
 
Wow wow wow. What an improvement in energy/stamina.

Supported AN yesterday (Sat) at a rally and went to a concert w Proggy. Over six miles of walking and hours on my feet. Singing. Chatty. Making jokes. Brain working better. Just like a switch is flipped. I hope I am back! This is awesome.

Today, dog rescue meetup walk at WD w Proggy and KDog. Got the travel crate from G. KDog was wagging her tail in her sleep tonight, a very happy sign.

Possible breakthrough...every single one of my medical symptoms is potentially explained by invasive Candidaisis. I took 2 rounds of antibiotic in late spring/early summer, which can be a trigger I guess. Coupled with severe stress, stress eating loads of sugar, training in absolutely awful conditions, it was a perfect storm. Then just as I was starting to feel better I put myself through more intense stress leading up to Canada trip...then more crazy symptoms hit starting the morning I was to fly out! Doc says sometimes the body just keeps throwing more and more intense flags at us to get our attention. Fingers crossed that this ends up making sense and explains the eye issues, heart racing, skin issues/changes, vertigo, dizziness blah low iron/depleted ferritin blah blah. Knowing what I am dealing with would be huge.

Started the medicine tonight. Take 1 pill every 3 days till you have taken 3 pills. Hoping side effects are minor. Supposed to be difficult and a long haul to actually get better. Also, affects immuncompromised people and there was a wonky ANA result last time so...there ya go.

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Also, have done a good job of broaching sensitive topics with AN and Proggy. AN I told that Proggy is my best friend right now and we have plans and things to do together but that there is nothing between us except friends (chosen family). He is cool with it. As he said, we are all adults, it's not like we are 23.

Proggy I told that he is my best friend, and that I had told this to AN which I think reassured Proggy that I am not casting him aside, In fact, we are going to the hometown together next week. He of course is concerned about any renewal between AN and I. The chemistry with AN is still there, but the intent is to carve out a friendship first. If we cannot manage to navigate the financial situation as friends we certainly cannot manage to do it as anything more. I am trying to mainly focus on making myself happy and be authentically myself and then let the rest fall where it may.

S went on a short trip to Banff and so was out of touch for a few days. and then I was just too busy this weekend to talk with her. The improvement to my personal peace is palpable.

It's last midnight so time for bed!

Walk planned with SB this week. AN guitar and dinner tomorrow and Tuesday. Seeing EF and my Dad next weekend. Got loads of things on the to do list. I still haven't done the winter chores so expect to do that tomorrow.
 
Fingers crossed you're right about the candida! Sounds like you're in an excellent place mentally.
 
I don't like the scale today, so I will ignore it.

This is a tough week for doc appointments, Today was an opthamology 2nd opinion consult I should have cancelled. But he is a guru recommended by Curly Bubbly and I waited 6 months for this appt. I went only to get some questions answered. I never got the opportunity to ask them. I literally prepped for 10 hours yesterday getting records and photos and historical notes and questions organized and filling out their new patient packet. I was there 3.5 hours, had all the same tests I have had at other docs, and saw the doc for about 4 minutes. He asked me to hold off questions until he had a look, then told me that he had trained my opthamologist and I was in good hands, and she has done everything well. End of. Try this other lid cleanser instead, and good luck. My corneas look good right now which is awesome. But the feeling of disappointment and shame I felt for getting pushed out of there and not claiming my space and making myself heard...well it was very triggering,

I can do nothing about it. He was running very behind, which is not my fault/problem. I was caught completely off guard by it. It's the same way I feel when I deal with contractors. I get down on myself for not establishing a rapport, for not making sure I got what I came there for, for failing to occupy my space. Then I remind myself that any interactions take two people and I am not in charge of HIS side of the street. So I am in the process of bouncing back from this jab to my ego.(or is it my id)? A good reminder that I need to practice this skill.

And then afterward I though about my mom and how she went through this with a series of doctors, sometimes waiting a few months to see someone, only to come out rejected, dejected and in tears. It's not a good feeling. She suffered on every possible level and never really got answers.

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It is raining, damp and cool. AN and I were going to guitar/dinner on Monday, then on Tuesday, and then today. He postponed due to a video project he was struggling with. Now I am not feeling it. Considering I have a full weekend out of town with Proggy, it really needs to be today. But I kind of hope AN isn't feeling it either.
 
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Even if your doctor is running late he is getting paid a LOT of money to see you and it's his moral and professional duty to listen to you. If all he intends to do is tell you your doctor is great he can have his assistant do that for free over the phone.
 
Llama said:
Even if your doctor is running late he is getting paid a LOT of money to see you and it's his moral and professional duty to listen to you. If all he intends to do is tell you your doctor is great he can have his assistant do that for free over the phone.
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Yes. I am more upset about the fact that I didn't assert myself, I didn't speak up, that I allowed myself to fall into an old habit of accepting - without even challenging it -treatment which is less than I need or deserve,

AN wasn't feeling it so I got my wish, He had a rough day and today I spoke up and said yeah, you aren't the only one. I don't often say that and he should have paid attention. So he talked about his day in detail for some time. When I felt like he had more than laid it all out, and yet he kept perseverating on it instead of me, I started to see that there are still issues impacting his ability to empathize, Finally, when he didn't ask about what had happened to throw me off kilter, I just launched into it, succinctly, and said that I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. He began to offer solutions and then try to psychoanalyze what happened mentally/emotionally. I didn't need him to solve my problems or dig into my medical issues, that I understood my mental state. I just needed support. And I said this to him in direct terms and he STILL didn't get it. AN wasn't listening to me; he was not getting me and he was following his own need to crawl around inside me head which was upsetting to me. When I asked him to please stop with the therapy, I was done, he said "but just let me make one more point", paused, and without me saying ok, he continued anyway. He was more concerned with saying what he needed to say than recognizing the discomfort I was experiencing - which was so strong that I actually spoke up and asked him to stop! So, it just made me feel unheard for the 2nd time today. And frankly, threw cold water on my thoughts about spending time with him. I will of course talk this out with him, but it was intense, both my visceral reaction - anger and aversion - and also the disappointment around what this means as far as relationship potential, at least any time soon. We will see if we can get beyond it tomorrow. He is generally very open to talk things out.

Proggy, OTOH simply expressed empathy about the doc and how I was feeling. And reminded me "I think you're awesome." Well done Proggy. I really appreciate him and I told him so. Men usually try to solve a problem because they are not the best at empathy. AN has been supportive in the past and has the capacity, but maybe not right now. The conversation with AN was toxic sludge. Romantic fantasy may be over already.

Talked with CC, went out to a women's club meeting, spoke with S and Saylor and Proggy again, and bought myself some flowers and keto friendly ice cream. I was in an emotionally disregulated state today I have not experienced in a while (maybe due to low iron flatline?) In any event, wondering if I have PMS. It's been about 2 months but the iron maybe cranking things back up.

And that's it for tonight. Dermatologist tomorrow. Then I go back to guru doc and take stock of where we are at.

Grateful for alone time now. Good night.
 
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