Fiera's Diary

Well, I did my best today. Proggy and I took KDog for a walk and I picked up groceries. It was a gorgeous day. He helped me bring my kayak into the basement and offered to help me with the A/C covers (though I let him off the hook as the sun had taken it out of him). He asked if there was anything to do to help with lunch (after I had already done everything, but he swept the leaves off the back stairs, He seems to be amping up his efforts. He rarely offers to help with anything house/chore related and usually begs off for being tired or resenting having to do work at my house on his days off.

I made steak on the grill and salads and he cooked shrimp for a wonderful dinner. Now that I am off the carb roller coaster it is getting soooo much easier to just eat normal meal portions and skip snacking at night, Daily weight is fluctuating but is still in a happier place.

I still smoked today. I did not make an effort not to. But given my overall health this is extra stupid behavior. Time to get right. It did occur to me that the cigarettes could be responsble for agitation/edgy feelings and libido. Or maybe it was just AN.

I wrote an entirely new email today to AN, taking a different tack. I will hang on to this one too and sit on them. I am certain he is not sitting there thinking about me; rather he is preparing for a paid photo shoot tomorrow.

May get out to see Dad and Peaches tomorrow or Tues before they leave for FL.

My eyes were less dry and painful today in spite of being outside for a few hours. Maybe the Restasis is starting to have a real effect. That would be a genuine quality of life improvement!

Life is Good. I am doing Ok. I am so grateful for Proggys companionship the last 2 days, The weather too, It really took the sting out of my grief over AN.
 
Good morning world.

Thanks Ma Nature for another beautiful morning. The sun is rising so far to the south now that it is obscured from view until it peeks over a nearby condo building. A reminder of the coming winter. Yet having completed a few winterizing chores yesterday helps me feel more prepared for the coming season. My learnings last year about putting tape and plastic over older windows, along with caulk and foam in certain spots, and blankets over the basement door, also give me more confidence that both I and the house can "do this" without a serious breakdown.

Last night I splurged on a new harness for KDog after seeing it on several dogs at the rescue reunion. It is lightweight but has a padded handle on top which I think will assist in getting her up steps during the winter. At least we will give it a try.

I continue to add thoughts to my draft emails to AN. As the emotional wave crests and grounding kicks in, I feel myself stronger in both asserting myself and accepting the situation. I still feel like I would have approached the discussion with much better clarity and grace and eloquence if I had just told him that I needed time to prepare for such an important topic before discussing. Instead a very jagged and incomplete version of my thoughts and feelings came out. I can't take it back and I probably can't fix it. I want to be very deliberate in deciding whether it is even worth trying. Or, to borrow a recent phrase from Jason, send him "love on the wind" and let him go.

I gained clarity this morning that I need to keep a boundary with Proggy. Unless and until I am done with AN, I risk hurting Proggy and risk using him as a band aid. I have done this in the past, stuffing men into the hole in my heart, and hurting people. I don't want to hurt this generous and supportive man. The challenges I have always faced with Proggy is that he stifles me. He likes a lot of time and attention. I enjoy his company, but we don't align on things like musical preferences or hobbies. We do enjoy going out to street festivals and just hanging out chatting. He says he likes to travel but he never plans anything, he wants for someone else to do all the planning. The most important thing I can do is keep journaling, keep looking into my heart, feeling all my feelings, and as Rumi says, let myself be silently drawn.

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Sent Guru doc a screen shot of my weight loss trend and a brief update. Made some poached eggs cooked lean ground turkey for KDog. My foot aches a bit and the bruise is emerging but it is nothing which will prohibit me from taking a walk today. Maybe at the lakefront. I feel though that a walk alone will take me back into grief and perseverating on AN and our last two meetings. Maybe I will see if SB is around.
 
SB wasn't around. I was restless and I knew that the lakefront, which would take me nearer to AN, was not the right spot. I got in the car with KDog and headed for a scenic preserve a little over an hour away. It didn't turn out to be the walk I hoped or needed but it was special enough in its own way. KDog was not feeling great and we only went a short way up the trail before heading back to the car. But I got her dog bed out and laid it next to me at a picnic table close to the nature center, She napped, I took photos and a short video message to AN (which is really just for me); I met a ranger and 3 students with turtles, and I showered Kdog with affection and leaves. Different but nice. Drove down to the beach and shot some more photos and kneeled down and let the sand drain through my fingers.

I didn't find peace, but I passed the alone time without getting into dark mental territory.

I mean to mention earlier, how since the talk with AN Thursday, various songs have been stuck in my brain. Initially it was Myth by Beach House. Pictures of You (The Cure). Careless Whisper, Against All Odds, and Sounds of Silence made an appearance. This afternoon it was Ladytron "Last One Standing". It has just been a while since this happened. It means that even though the emotions are OK on the surface much of the time, the deep dark pain is bubbling under, I talked to CC most of the drive home and am about to return Proggy's call.
 
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Tonight, as my thoughts are still a bit in process, I sent AN a short email apology, saying that the topic was unexpected, and that I had lost access to words, and that what he had heard was not what I would have liked to convey. Rather than flood him with a long email unsolicited, I simply asked him if he would like to hear my thoughts, when I am ready. He can choose to reply or not, I left the ball in his court.

I finally talked to S for an hour tonight. I had no intention for it to go that long and after an hour I said I needed to go - at which point she asked about me and AN. I gave her a quick rundown but I finally had to tell her again that I was tired and really needed to go to sleep and we could talk about it some other time.

Then, the nightly call with Proggy. Tomorrow trying to get out to my Dad's before he leaves town. Somewhere in here I need to do more heavy processing but I didn't really today. At times I felt like giving up on AN. At other times I thought no, not without attempting to see if there is a common resolve. I have this fear that he his gone forever. I have to let go and let the universe handle it from here.

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Didn't eat today until nearly 5PM, after I got back from the non-hike. My fridge was stocked with yummy weekend leftovers, so I had steak tacos on carb friendly tortillas, shrimp in broth and a granola square bar. That wasn't enough so I knocked off the last of the frittata. Back to boring options tomorrow, I need to get rid of more leftovers so there will be sweet potato tacos, spinach, and garlic-sage butternut squash in the mix. What goes with that? Maybe I will pick up some porkchops.

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I need to learn how to sit still and sit with my thoughts again. I have been so activated the last week and a half/two weeks with AN. Deep breathing. What is going on in there (my body and my mind, both). Its so disappointing to me that I am having anxiety over someone I have always felt comfortable around. Still - the anxiety is coming from his changed behavior and tone. How much effort will I put into this? How much psychic energy? Enough. Let it go.

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S told me about a book today she has started reading. It is called F*ck Feelings. It seems like the antithesis of a self help book. So much of the therapy and self help world revolves around this thesis that you are broken and need to fix yourself. So much focus on your defects is possibly counter to building self esteem. Especially when the goal is to try to "fix" the unfixable. Apparently this one is like the antithesis a self-help book and the message is a lot more empowering, That sometimes the world is unfair and bullshit. That doesn't make you responsible for taking on guilt and blame and spending years trying to become a "better person". And I think this is what AN's point has been. Understand what has happened to you, but be careful about accepting responsibility for causing it.

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My doorbell just rang at 11:35PM. Great for jangled nerves. I paused, then made sure my back door was dead bolted before walking to the front, slowly. The curtains are all up in the front and the lights are off giving me a pretty advantageous view of the outside and I didn't see anyone. Finally I stuck my camera up overhead to shoot photos through the top glass and no one was standing there. I opened the door just to see if anyone had left something...nothing, Then I come back to sit down and the lamp in the den, which has had periodic weirdness with the bulb going dim and bright, flared again. Great. Haunting movies on tv lately and my nerves on edge, I might be up for a while now.
 
OK. Back to my trusty journal, which has been quite a good place to process thoughts and feelings lately. As well as just note down what is happening in my life and my progress on weight and fitness. Weight progress good, fitness...well...that is still out there. But I like the other daily routine type stuff and the dietary shifts I am making. Got an attaboy from the doc on the weight loss chart.

This was a good morning. I took my car to the place out by my Dad's and they gave me a loaner while they inspected my wheels and tires and checked the alignment and balanced and rotated the tires. It definitely is riding better now. I got to spend an hour with my Dad before he leaves town and I helped Peaches pack the bulkier stuff in their SUV then chatted with her for a bit. They basically are happy to have me come for a longer visit if I want to make the long drive with KDog at some point. Peaches has lost 17 pounds and it is easier now for her to do things than it was 6 months ago, so she doesn't "need" the help as much as I thought she did. But she does appreciate me coming down and being a distraction for my dad.

I received a single word response from AN this morning, which is all I was hoping for - a simple 'yes'. It is all I really wanted at this point, and I am going to just let all my triggered nerves calm down until I have reached a calm and objective place again. Let it go, and find my center again. I haven't been this nerved up in some time. Boys + money are two of my biggest triggers.

Last night learned that one of the oldest and longest members of our women's club passed. I would characterize her as a wise and gentle elder in the group. Will go to visitation on Sunday with Riley and Saylor.

Was able to cancel dealer car appointment for Thurs as this morning's tire work seemed to take care of the vibration issue. So scheduled a walk with SB. Kinda happy how I am getting caught up a bit by bit on things, My to do list for this week looks pretty good after I knocked out a boatload of things last week. I get to have my hair colored tomorrow! This newfound energy and improved (though not great) focus is making a huge difference!

Its very slightly raining here, overcast, still. After a couple of breezy dry warm and sunny fall days, late October weather has arrived. Its a great day for soup and old movies while I take care of some paperwork. I actually just started looking up the cost of home watch services. I don't know much about it, but if I was to go away for say 6 weeks, I suppose I would want to have someone come once a week, check for mail and packages and newspapers, make sure there isn't anything critical, and also have to have someone who will shovel snow so it doesn't appear vacant. My primary reason for wanting to do this is of course I have no idea how to manage the snow ans ice with KDog. I might be able to get a trusted friend who needs cash or maybe a neighbor. Looking around at prices and lists of their duties. My neighbor Crazy T (T Hustle) I would trust to do the shoveling but would never give him a key to the house, and I am not entirely sure I want him to know that the house is unoccupied. Just something to think on. Also what I would need to do to ensure that the basement pipes don't freeze in the event of extreme cold. It's fun to think about it any way. Maybe Proggy would make the drive down with me if I fly him back.
 
Fiera said:
Peaches has lost 17 pounds and it is easier now for her to do things than it was 6 months ago, so she doesn't "need" the help as much as I thought she did.
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That's awesome! Another bit of evidence, if any were needed, for how much difference a couple of pounds can make.
Fiera said:
Kinda happy how I am getting caught up a bit by bit on things,
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That combined with your doctor being happy with your weightloss is such a big sign of how much better you're doing.
 
Today has been another day where the edginess/fuzzy face/tight chest just won't go away. It's just varying levels of present. I need to quit the cigarettes altogether and see if that helps. It feels just like when I started talking to this guy during my divorce. Same feeling. Intensity. I was uncomfortably on edge like this and would try to bring it down by exercise or alcohol; usually however the sensation lasted for 4-6 hours. Nothing good will come out of it that's for sure.

I think perhaps it got set off from my hair appt. M has known my entire post-divorce dating history. I almost set up a new online dating profile after I got home. But I really think that will make things more complicated when I really just need to be single right now.
 
Well I am all over the place. I put on some soothing lights and my favorite soothing candle. I even went onto an a chat room I haven't been to years, for people who have emotional difficulties around relationships, but unlike the old days there is no one around just hanging out to talk to.

I had turned off the notepad and the phone, because there can be solace in being unreachable. But didn't keep them off long. Proggy will want to hear from me and I needed the notepad for the chat. Just strong emotions at work. I was thinking about my ex husband and what a good soul he was, and what broke our marriage. If I knew then what I know now, could we have saved it? I don't know. I certainly would have pushed a lot harder for him to see a therapist. Blooming sad that one was.

I believe that we don't have just one true love in this life. The opportunities are still out there. But I feel tired of the emotional tax one has to pay when they end. I have so many other things to do for myself, and being single frees up a lot of time and space and freedom. I have been leaning on Proggy to remain an emotional placeholder, though that is a 2-way street. I need some space to be good and truly single.
 
Blah blah blah.

Woke up at 4AM. Body wanted a cigarette. I went to sleep early though, having taken a xanax. Still in a place where songs are stuck in my head. Yesterday it was the new Ladytron song City of Angels, this morning it is Last One Standing. It is no doubt a trauma response. Pulled out Pete Walker's book last night. Reading about response types and applying that to what happened surrounding the last couple of discussions with AN. Framework is helpful but I don't feel settled yet.

I had a weird eating day yesterday. As of late, my hunger/binge tendencies have been low, I haven't wanted to eat literally until food was in front of me, so for example yesterday I first ate at almost 2PM. I had another meal at 5 after having chicken breast I had cooked on the grill along with leftover spinach. I thought that I might be done for the day, but I made several trips to the kitchen over the course of the evening.

Cleaning lady this morning but I just nodded off again. House is in OK shape anyway. I actually need to try to wash the windows later.
 
No wonder you get graze-y in the evening if you start eating so late! Also no wonder you don't get hungry in the morning if you eat late at night. But also, also: no wonder your body is feeling a bit weird when you're feeling raw about the AN situation. Time and kindness.
 
Fairly productive day today. Sunny and cool.

Cleaning lady came so was up early getting things picked up, Got distracted by yet another email draft to AN. Rushed to finish picking up. Stacked some things into piles I will deal with tomorrow.

SB came over with her pooch so we walked a mile with KDog then I dropped KDog back home and we did another mile, Back home used the new telescoping tool to wash some of the windows and get the layer off before winter. It a big improvement.

Ran errands (pharmacy, mail drop, hardware, dog food, so KDog came with again). I made a decision today to just resurrect my old jewelry box since the new one just never took. Ended up taking it to a local old fashioned hardware and not only did the guys tell me what I needed to do to fix it, they took it in bax and fixed it up for me. 6 screws at 14 cents each and 10 bucks for a furniture touch up marker. Good old fashioned service = priceless.

Set about reorganizing jewelry. Ran across my wedding band and put it on for a minute just to see what it felt like. Realized there are some more things I can let go of now that I am not working. Still lamenting my favorite necklace which has not turned up.

What did turn up today is my Halloween decoration I thought had been stolen. It was under the fence where it was just barely visible. It is back on my front door now.

S called today twice now that she is home after wrist surgery and she is somewhat forced to sit around with her thoughts. I know it is a hard time for her but some of the ways she thinks and behaves are giving me more reason to doubt the future of our friendship. Also the dynamic I read in Walker's book about situations like this. What we allow will continue. I hope she can eventually see through some of her blind spots. If I try to point out something she is doing or saying which could be interpreted differently by the recipient, I just get an earful of why I am wrong. I do realize that our worse traits can be amplified during times of terrible stress and so I reserve any great concern for our friendship for some further time doen the road. In the meantime, figure out how to set boundaries; always boundaries.

Cc also called. Will talk w Proggy later. Cleaning lady talked my ear off. Think I am going to finally take a break and knock off all the chores. It felt very good to be productive though!
 
That does sound like a productive day. And how nice to get your old jewelry box fixed like that! Outside of a crisis there's nobody on this whole world I would want calling me twice a day - maybe not even twice a week :eek:
 
Slept in finally. Had a nice easy wake-up. Curly Bubbly at 10. Took another walk with SB and the pooches today at our usual forest preserve, then sat at the picnic tables for a while and chatted, since we had the time. She suggested places to get jewelry repaired and I offered to loan her my telescoping sponge/squeegee which made washing windows so much easier.

Unintentionally spent entire session w Curly Bubbly talking about AN, unpacking the dynamics of my marriage surrounding money/finances, looking at what I need/desire. She pointed out that finances were a factor in my relationship with Proggy. I agreed and now things are much better in that area. But there is still something missing, perhaps the age difference, the energy difference, the sense of adventure and initiative. I think as my own energy has come back, the importance of having a bigger life has come back into focus.

As she said last time, maybe I need to get different needs met by different people. That is probably true. But Proggy's possessiveness doesn't leave a lot of room for that. Nothing is urgent but I may end up initiating a conversation with him this weekend or soon. I think anything which upsets the status quo is really going to upset him, but I also need to create some room for myself to grow. I think also I have been pressing myself to make a determinate decision around AN because I know I may lose Proggy in the process. Proggy says date anyone you want, but not AN....but it feels more like he doesn't want to loosen his grip on me.

Lunch today at 1PM. Romaine salad with egg, bacon, avocado, and a bit of ranch dressing. Might have a snack before Proggy comes over and then we go out to dinner before tonight's concert.
 
Again, noticed the difference in the shower today. Post shower weight 162.9. I guess I lost about 10% of body weight when I think about it. It is noticeable in for example the circumference of my arms. The forearms look like a like a average weight person now. The upper arms, well, look saggy and sad. And so on. My thighs no longer have visible fat lines on them. It's just so interesting to experience and notice the changes. Sitting right now in a position on my couch with knees drawn up which would not have been possibly comfortable even 5 pounds ago. Just so happy with progress. I am really getting excited about breaking into the 150's soon. The jeans I will wear tonight fit comfortably.

It is still a mystery why suddenly it has just become easier. How I can eat portions and no longer eat and eat until I am utterly full? What happened to binging? I can browse the fridge for lunch or dinner and just say "meh, nothing appeals to me". Is that all about cutting down on carbs and dairy? Getting rid of some of the supplements, adding the iron, question mark question mark, question mark. I am never going to know what kicked on or off in my body and brain but this is NOT simply mind over matter nor willpower.
 
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Oh wow, no wonder you're feeling lighter: that's more than a dress size lost! Congratulations and I hope you do find out what the reason is.
 
Yay, quiet time before Proggy wakes up. Got my matcha tea, had a cigarette first thing (uck). So easy to get hooked on those. Very expensive as well. I have 3 left so will stretch those out and see if another pack can be avoided.

The concert we went to last night was a pleasant enough way to spend time. It was a female guitarist. The venue, I have never been to before, it was purpose built as a theater and the sound quality is excellent. Plus easy to get to. It was more Proggy's type of thing but I could appreciate her talent.

She dedicated one acoustic guitar song to her mom who passed away of cancer almost a decade ago. She mentioned how grief of loss never really goes away, it just evolves. And how she thought she had asked her mom all the questions. Yet now she is a different age and she has a whole new set of questions. That cut through me like a knife. I totally get it, having lost my mom when I was 32.

Earlier in the evening I had been thinking, for the first time in a long time, about the years of bullying at my job and the guitarist's remarks caused me on the drive home relate to Proggy about the last 2 days of my mom's life. On a Monday I was supposed to have off I ended up working the entire day, without advance notice. I spent about 8 hours of time on the phone with the bully working on a project because he had overcommitted timing to a customer without asking me. I was drained and resentful. An hour or two later I was uncharacteristically impatient and palpably stressed during my daily support phone call with my mom...(in retrospect I saw that was the call she was trying to make peace with a few things before she left, like asking me why I didn't just marry L, to which I responded with a snotty remark). Thankfully we had a more peaceful and normal call the next day - the call which turned out to be our last. I think she had found her peace and made her decision. On Wednesday morning she was gone. I missed the cues that something had shifted in her until I started replaying that unusual conversation in my head weeks and months later. I don't blame myself, really, I mean I am human and I was just having normal human emotional responses to stress. I am just surprised at how much I was connecting emotionally to the past last night, as if a channel has been opened. I am grateful to be able to feel and connect with my past again, after being shut down for a few years now, yet I remain puzzled at how this transformation has come about. Is it the recent dance with AN, and the evaluation of who I am and why, which provoked self examination? Is it the other mental and physical health changes, which are enabling better mental functioning? All of the above?

As AN asks, is it OK to not know?

All we ultimately have is the here and the now. I have no desire to get stuck here in questioning land so I will move on.

Yesterday, in alignment with my newfound energy and my love for the dog rescue, I followed up on an offer I made to the group president to serve as a temporary overnight waypoint for the occasional transports we receive from out of town. I shot a short 2 minute video of the premises inside and out and how we could set it up. It is not perfect as is but it is certainly viable, and could be great if some purpose built work was put into it. She was interested but also has found a kennel which may be willing to work with us, which would ultimately be a more elegant solution. I was excited at the idea, energized, and put myself out there with a fairly large potential commitment. One, because it felt right. Two, because I now have the energy and confidence that I could deliver. It has spurred me to move forward with a repair project in the basement addition (supplies ordered) and to see new possibilities in my future. Importantly, I felt love for my little house again. It no longer feels like this overwhelming survival situation, I saw what my house could do for me if I fix things and open up and let people in again. It is so metaphoric, isn't it. The brilliant weather, the walks with SB, no doubt help my unfreezing. Allowing myself the time with AN was also liberating. Such an opening up of the tight little ball I have been. It is wonderful to start feeling alive again.
 
Yesterday was a good day. Weather was very nice. Proggy and I walked KDog, then I colored his hair and gave KDog a bath while he was processing. After we went to a German bar which was new for me (he had gone there with an ex years ago). I had my doubts about the food when I first saw the place. But it was absolutely delicious, possibly the most enjoyable meal I have had in years, so authentic, I felt like I was back in Europe. And simple too (totally not carb or diet friendly), Thuringer sausage, sweet sauerkraut, creamy potato salad, hearty bread and butter, brown mustard, good beer. Oh my. If you are going to knowingly break your healthy eating, that is the way to do it.

Unfortunately I was snacking later in the the evening. Earlier, we had just had a late breakfast and so we had dinner around 4. Snacking was brie cheese and naan bread, and some potato chips which jumped into my cart at the store after dinner.

So my digestive system was protesting last night and my tummy is still off this morning. Matcha is helping. Proggy wanted to go out last night and drink and I was not interested, and he ended up staying and watching tv. I was fine with that, I just felt tired and needing of time to just rest, and so surfed the net and then watched several episodes of a streaming series.

Proggy seems to be stepping up his game around here, offering to help with things for example, and suggesting the walk yesterday. I put him to work unloading the dishwasher. Last week it was bringing the kayak into basement storage. Today I will have him help take a few junk items out to the curb. At the same time he complains about having a two story house and it is getting too hard to walk up and down stairs all the time. The week ahead, I would like to list a few things for sale and move them out of my house. I have a meeting with my financial advisor, am getting a bone density test done, and will complete the basement repair I mentionped earlier (a section of deteriorating asbestos pipe wrap, which requires thoughtful safety review prior to proceeding).

Last year at this time I was in a battle with the leaves, pine needles, and pine cones in my yard. Hiring a service has improved my quality of life and I have more free time to do other things. Next weekend Proggy and I go out of town to wine country. Will be leaving KDog with a sitter.

The wine country thing will involve temptations which I need to prepare for mentally. I don't drink much anyway but I will be spending probably most of Saturday visiting wineries which will be full of not only wine but pricey gourmet snack foods, like chocolate and crackers and cheese. I will see if I can find one which offers actual dining with salads or such and ask to plan our day so that we hit that for a late lunch along the way.

I haven't written further to AN. I find that I have so many things I feel need to be explained, and also wonder if the full truth is really going to be constructive, especially at this stage of his recovery. And then of course, if he really is not interested or capable of an intentional relationship with me, then I am just saying things that are hurtful for no good reason. I continue to sit with it and I also know that sitting for a long period will likely only harden him more...but I cannot help it. I don't think the things that I have to say are changing, but the intensity is settling and I am feeling calmer without contact. And I am paying attention to that.

I was reflecting a short while ago on how much emptier my life would feel without Proggy. Sometimes I am tempted to just let go and get back into a relationship but I won't. And I won't, at least for now, because I know that getting back together is a trap. It will mean choosing between a freer life and settling down into a comfortable one revolving around his tiny world. He is young for his age for sure but his world is so small. And if we get together and then I feel the need to bust out again, it will get broken for good.

Next weekend will reflect at least the 4th weekend together in a row and I want a break after that. He is asking me about Thanksgiving. The first time last weekend I just said that I didn't know. This time I agreed that we could plan to be together. Just waiting at this point to see if EF is in a position to invite us out or whether we will end up at his aunt / uncles as we have for a few holidays in the past. SB and hubby may be another option. It's my favorite holiday and I need good cheer and turkey and stuffing. If I need to I will cook it myself and just seek out some orphans to come over or drop off plates for.

Proggy has also booked several short breaks around the holidays. He wants me to commit to doing things. I on the other hand have ideas about taking an extended break and even heading out of town for a month or six weeks. I feel irritated by his inquiries as he is far too dependent upon me for companionship and it feels stifling. Especially when it is so frequent as to make it difficult for me to schedule independent time for anyone else.

That aside, today is the play with S and Riley, then the visitation with the woman who passed away last Friday. I don't feel like being indoors but it can't be helped.

The intensity of the music soundtrack has abated, and even though I regularly find songs on repeat, they are not as loud. I can readily put them aside and focus on whatever is at hand, but at the same time am aware that the same song has been on repeat for hours. This morning (and last night) is a different song from an older Ladytron album I listened to this past week, which is not thematically related to AN, but in general Ladytron IS a thowback to some prior periods of emotional intensity. They are very much in my head only, as opposed to being felt elsewhere in the body, so I imagine that my mind is using them as some sort of distraction or emotional lubricant. Will have to try to research.
 
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Fiera said:
some potato chips which jumped into my cart at the store after dinner.
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Sneaky things! :D
Fiera said:
I just felt tired and needing of time to just rest,
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No surprise there if you hadn't been having a lot of carbs for a while.
Fiera said:
I on the other hand have ideas about taking an extended break and even heading out of town for a month or six weeks. I feel irritated by his inquiries as he is far too dependent upon me for companionship and it feels stifling. Especially when it is so frequent as to make it difficult for me to schedule independent time for anyone else.
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That definitely says something about how you feel about you guys' relationship.
 
Finally, after numerous attempts I finished and sent a message to AN today. It contains explanation, apology, and honest thoughts. It asks and concludes nothing. if and when he decides to respond I don't know what to expect. There is some peace at least for now, in having sent it. If he can't abide by my truth then it is better to just let go and never look back.

Today is Halloween. We don't usually see many trick or treaters and in recent years I have taken to shut off the lights in the front part of the house, draw the curtains, disable the doorbell, and leave a note on the door so that people aren't standing around waiting. I don't feel all that bad for not participating. If I was a parent I would only take my kids to homes where I knew people anyway.

The day has consisted of a nice luxurious wake-up, drafting that email, neighborhood walk with KDog, a short call w my financial advisor and a 30 minute call with my Dad. Lunch around 1 was some low sodium chicken broth, 1/2 English muffin with PB, and a mahi mahi burger patty with tartar sauce (no bun). I need to get some salad in with dinner. I don't have a taste for much and I have even less desire to cook. After this weekend a low calorie day is a good idea anyway.

Spent some time in Pete Walker's book the other day, and read a passage which resonated so well I felt like it came out of my own head. Having to do with the polarized fawn response...in reaction to narcissist types. I flagged it and plan to discuss with Curly Bubbly.

Wow, what a waste of time it is to be friends with someone who is stuck in victimland. At some point or other, you will do something which causes them to feel victimized. It is as predictable as the sun setting. Glad that I am spending time to look at who I am giving bandwidth in my life,
 
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