Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
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Fiera
Well-known member
Today's visit with derm was the complete opposite of yesterday. When she walked in she wanted me to sit on the table to examine me before we talked...I said as I had said to her assistant there is nothing left to look at, but that I had some photos and I have had 2 rounds of reoccuring corneal ulcers and I just wanted to see if she could take look at some photos and see if they suggested anything to connect the two. I had already given lots of info to the tech with timelines and everything. She started with that same skeptical look as the doc yesterday, like "oh boy, I need to not get into this time suck" however I was very concise. I had 2 pages of chrological notes and a narrow subset of images queued up on my phone. As she started seeing the photos her disposition relaxed and she become inquisitive. She gave me her time and made direct eye contact.
She asked about covid and vaccines and also elevated sed rate, joint aches. I might have had "something" as I was exhausted. There was also an antibiotic Cedinir for the piercings early on.
She basically ruled out 2 things and said it was a hypersensitivity reaction. Which would also explain the reaction in my hand at the last acupuncture. At last a big whopping effing clue. No more piercings, no more tattoos (sad about that). No more acupuncture.
This sort of thing can be precipitated by virus/viral activation and can also be a response to a drug. And it can last for weeks or months and have reoccurrences. It is immune system overreacting. It can also lead to autoimmune disease or other serious conditions as organs are attacked.
So.
Rheumatologist in my future, I have to do life differently now. Everything is about getting my immune system healthy. Low stress, good nutrition, good sleep, good hygiene, and all the little things I don't like having to do on a daily basis.
This is the price of admission on the rest of my life, I can take steps to potentially dramatically influence my quality if life, As doc said our goal is to get AN backinto normal range,..if possible, without throwing big medicine at it.
You don't get a second go round in this life. And I didn't make it this far to spend my retirement years unable to do things,
May this teach me to be steadfast in my rejection of stress and toxic people,in situations, May it teach me to clasp on to simplicity and reject unbridled adventure. Steadiness must become my best teacher. The Universe WAS telling me something when I sat and watched a snail crawl up the rock at Ward's Island, followed by the encroaching stench of rotting animal carcass. It really was the end of way of life, of a chapter, of rampant adventure. Now a new life unfolds. Not exciting, but still room for contentment.
I have to learn first to be OK with that,
No Curly Bubbly tomorrow, But hometown/fall scenes with Proggy and visit to EF/hubby and Dad/Peaches. I will lean on Proggy more for help in the months ahead, He seems to want to be there for me still (and I for him).
She asked about covid and vaccines and also elevated sed rate, joint aches. I might have had "something" as I was exhausted. There was also an antibiotic Cedinir for the piercings early on.
She basically ruled out 2 things and said it was a hypersensitivity reaction. Which would also explain the reaction in my hand at the last acupuncture. At last a big whopping effing clue. No more piercings, no more tattoos (sad about that). No more acupuncture.
This sort of thing can be precipitated by virus/viral activation and can also be a response to a drug. And it can last for weeks or months and have reoccurrences. It is immune system overreacting. It can also lead to autoimmune disease or other serious conditions as organs are attacked.
So.
Rheumatologist in my future, I have to do life differently now. Everything is about getting my immune system healthy. Low stress, good nutrition, good sleep, good hygiene, and all the little things I don't like having to do on a daily basis.
This is the price of admission on the rest of my life, I can take steps to potentially dramatically influence my quality if life, As doc said our goal is to get AN backinto normal range,..if possible, without throwing big medicine at it.
You don't get a second go round in this life. And I didn't make it this far to spend my retirement years unable to do things,
May this teach me to be steadfast in my rejection of stress and toxic people,in situations, May it teach me to clasp on to simplicity and reject unbridled adventure. Steadiness must become my best teacher. The Universe WAS telling me something when I sat and watched a snail crawl up the rock at Ward's Island, followed by the encroaching stench of rotting animal carcass. It really was the end of way of life, of a chapter, of rampant adventure. Now a new life unfolds. Not exciting, but still room for contentment.
I have to learn first to be OK with that,
No Curly Bubbly tomorrow, But hometown/fall scenes with Proggy and visit to EF/hubby and Dad/Peaches. I will lean on Proggy more for help in the months ahead, He seems to want to be there for me still (and I for him).
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Llama
Well-known member
I know the feeling... But it does get easier with time. And it's worth it - at least for me.
Fiera
Well-known member
Last week was very intense and this weekend was busy with Proggy in the hometown. So the blessing of solitude and a relatively empty calendar this week feels like some kind of crash peace. The world has ended. Everyone has gone away, There is just me and my self care (which includes chores and house/car maintenance). AN has gone quiet and sent an apology this morning asking for a few days and suggesting he is not in a good place. Fine with me. S and I have had very little contact while I was so slammed and that has been a detox. Of course, she has not been in a good place for months.
I love this quietude. Reflective time. Regeneration time. Of course is very helpful that my brain is working better and my energy is better (thanks iron!). The cool weather and restorative sleep made it possible to jog a few blocks with KDog. I have shut off the spigots and drained them in the expectation of the first hard freeze tonight. It is a little unseasonal and I still have outdoor preparations for winter which require a hose, so I have otherwise left things in place, It will be much warmer in a couple of days.
Friday night Proggy was here. I went to a women's club meeting and he went to a local hangout bar. Sat morning we headed North with KDog. Nice walk/visit to a park about an hour and a half away to enjoy fall colors and crisp air. We got a late start so walk was only 1.5 miles. Then over to EF/hubby where we visited at there house for a beer/tea and then walked around the main part of downtown with the dogs so I could see what has changed. The new park is under construction now and will be a nice enhancement. Dinner w Dad, Peaches, their friend S. KDog was adequately tired as planned so that she slept in my SUV the entire time. Then off to Dad's house where we watched a vampire movie and headed to bed.
Sunday went out to brekkie w Dad and Peaches then headed further North to check out a pumpkin farm. It was a good one and we had a nice time spending an hour + seeing the scenes, checking out the store, getting warm drinks, taking pictures. It was overcast and chilly but KDog was OK in the car with a sweater coat and blanket and of course her thick orthopedic bolster bed. I remark on these details because I am trying to learn how to travel with a dog and keep them safe and comfortable. What I need, what works.
When we got back in the car for long drive home, after the fun energy of the pumpkin farm, the shift to quiet sadness came over both of us. We weren't ready for the fun to end. Proggy of course has Sunday syndrome worse than me because he still works and hasn't had a day off in months. But I felt it too. It wasn't just the overcast. It was because road-tripping and adventure and having new experiences - fun and safe ones - is so energizing.
In context of AN's inability to be present with me (or finish his project it seems), I am better appreciating the stability that Proggy brings to my life. He is like my Dad in some good ways. I like that he read me the riot act when I was on the cusp of dating AN again. He really cares about me. I am feeling really grateful for the steady people in my life. I don't want to be on the emotional roller coaster. I am getting too old for that stuff.
I love this quietude. Reflective time. Regeneration time. Of course is very helpful that my brain is working better and my energy is better (thanks iron!). The cool weather and restorative sleep made it possible to jog a few blocks with KDog. I have shut off the spigots and drained them in the expectation of the first hard freeze tonight. It is a little unseasonal and I still have outdoor preparations for winter which require a hose, so I have otherwise left things in place, It will be much warmer in a couple of days.
Friday night Proggy was here. I went to a women's club meeting and he went to a local hangout bar. Sat morning we headed North with KDog. Nice walk/visit to a park about an hour and a half away to enjoy fall colors and crisp air. We got a late start so walk was only 1.5 miles. Then over to EF/hubby where we visited at there house for a beer/tea and then walked around the main part of downtown with the dogs so I could see what has changed. The new park is under construction now and will be a nice enhancement. Dinner w Dad, Peaches, their friend S. KDog was adequately tired as planned so that she slept in my SUV the entire time. Then off to Dad's house where we watched a vampire movie and headed to bed.
Sunday went out to brekkie w Dad and Peaches then headed further North to check out a pumpkin farm. It was a good one and we had a nice time spending an hour + seeing the scenes, checking out the store, getting warm drinks, taking pictures. It was overcast and chilly but KDog was OK in the car with a sweater coat and blanket and of course her thick orthopedic bolster bed. I remark on these details because I am trying to learn how to travel with a dog and keep them safe and comfortable. What I need, what works.
When we got back in the car for long drive home, after the fun energy of the pumpkin farm, the shift to quiet sadness came over both of us. We weren't ready for the fun to end. Proggy of course has Sunday syndrome worse than me because he still works and hasn't had a day off in months. But I felt it too. It wasn't just the overcast. It was because road-tripping and adventure and having new experiences - fun and safe ones - is so energizing.
In context of AN's inability to be present with me (or finish his project it seems), I am better appreciating the stability that Proggy brings to my life. He is like my Dad in some good ways. I like that he read me the riot act when I was on the cusp of dating AN again. He really cares about me. I am feeling really grateful for the steady people in my life. I don't want to be on the emotional roller coaster. I am getting too old for that stuff.
Fiera
Well-known member
Weight: 166.6 Oops.
Multiple moments of vertigo yesterday, possibly caffeine+salt+poor sleep? Also increased tinnitus.
Took B12 today, it has been 2 weeks, just in case related.
Signed up for a turkey trot. Not motivated to do a couch to 5K. Still finding life without contact lenses to be limiting. Have been on R-drops for about 3 weeks and also doing eyelid scrubs.
Just realized that getting the humidifier out of the basement is on my list for today. It seems like I just put it down there! Usually I don't need it til November. It has been a busy year.
Multiple moments of vertigo yesterday, possibly caffeine+salt+poor sleep? Also increased tinnitus.
Took B12 today, it has been 2 weeks, just in case related.
Signed up for a turkey trot. Not motivated to do a couch to 5K. Still finding life without contact lenses to be limiting. Have been on R-drops for about 3 weeks and also doing eyelid scrubs.
Just realized that getting the humidifier out of the basement is on my list for today. It seems like I just put it down there! Usually I don't need it til November. It has been a busy year.
Fiera
Well-known member
Small in the entire scheme of things, but someone stole my favorite Halloween decoration off my front door. It was so cute. I don't do a lot of decorating in general and that was the first and only piece which I had put up outside so far for Halloween, This adorable witch wind catcher. Have spent a couple of hours online looking for a similar replacement and no luck. Have to let it go now. Universe keeps telling me to embrace change. Something else cute will show up. They didn't bother my pumpkin so obviously they were being selective.
Got the humidifier up and running, It is a console style from 1985 and the motor still works because....Sears. Getting hard to get replacement filters so I installed what will probably be the last, purchased 2 years ago, Got some new screws from the hardware store to replace the ones which were rusted.
Had contact with S this afternoon - shaky signal as she was heading to remote camping. Still the first 20 minutes were the habitual diatribe she has adopted. Complaining about people, including people she acknowledges are helping her. Later contacts were more conversational. Still I have begun to wonder lately what she says about me to others. :/
That is it for tonight.
Need to order thermal curtains for the new windows in the attic.
Got the humidifier up and running, It is a console style from 1985 and the motor still works because....Sears. Getting hard to get replacement filters so I installed what will probably be the last, purchased 2 years ago, Got some new screws from the hardware store to replace the ones which were rusted.
Had contact with S this afternoon - shaky signal as she was heading to remote camping. Still the first 20 minutes were the habitual diatribe she has adopted. Complaining about people, including people she acknowledges are helping her. Later contacts were more conversational. Still I have begun to wonder lately what she says about me to others. :/
That is it for tonight.
Need to order thermal curtains for the new windows in the attic.
Fiera
Well-known member
[This was written yesterday/Thursday].
Slight headache this morning. It clouded over, hope fully we will have sun later. This afternoon I head to dentist for crown installation, and will go to the grocery store and the garden in proximity.
Later AN is coming over to talk. I feel anxious about it. Like "need a xanax" anxious. How did things become this way? I can pretty readily access a state of calm resignation when I think of his off putting moments. But it has become somewhat similar to how I felt around TB eventually. Hot and cold. Push and pull. Attraction and repulsion. Electric anxiety. I can't be on that roller coaster. My mind and body reject it.
I just have to wonder why so many of my relationships are getting to this point. I mean, every relationship will have its bumps. But why are so many of them becoming anxiety riddled?
I think it is ultimately about safety/security and about desire. Worrying about losing people. Not having clear boundaries for friends/partners.
I am reminded of my post divorce phase ("3 lines of interest"). I am reminded how having reliable steady people in my 20's and 30's (L, my mom, L's mom and family) provided my life a concrete foundation. I "orbited" around L. When my mom died and L and I divorced and then his mom died and my family all died or moved away, and I lived far from any of my own friends, I had no more ground under my feet. For a number of years I ran myself ragged stuffing various men inside the hole I had inside myself and boozing and clubbing (which is how I typically met them). My dad has been a steady force in recent years, and I value that, although it is conditional. His health is failing however and support goes more in the other direction these days.
A few other folks who were relatively steady anchors for a time are no longer there for me at this time BG. AN. S. PAG. Life of course evolves and relationships evolve. Saylor is supportive and a steady person. but we don't feel bonded. SB same thing. EF is an old steady friend but not frequent contact. Why not invest more into people who have their feet firmly underneath them? Irish friend is a good friend and supportive but she is in Ireland after all, and she is a bit under water. The dog rescue community is full of people who seem to be wholesome and I feel good when I am around them. The reality is that most people are not looking for more than a casual acquaintance at this point because they already have their foundations set.
Maybe I have never really taken an honest inventory of my personal relationships and the ones which I SHOULD be investing in. This is not to say that I stop being there for S or AN...but I need to have healthy boundaries during their turmoil so that they don't suck me into their vortices.
More and more I am appreciating Proggy. He is really my best friend and the only person who I text with every morning and talk to every evening. We agreed to be "family" in this thing called life.
I need to shut out all the exterior noise and just listen. I have a lot of good people in my camp. I let noise get in the way of being authentically present with and for them. I already feel more grounded after writing about it.
Slight headache this morning. It clouded over, hope fully we will have sun later. This afternoon I head to dentist for crown installation, and will go to the grocery store and the garden in proximity.
Later AN is coming over to talk. I feel anxious about it. Like "need a xanax" anxious. How did things become this way? I can pretty readily access a state of calm resignation when I think of his off putting moments. But it has become somewhat similar to how I felt around TB eventually. Hot and cold. Push and pull. Attraction and repulsion. Electric anxiety. I can't be on that roller coaster. My mind and body reject it.
I just have to wonder why so many of my relationships are getting to this point. I mean, every relationship will have its bumps. But why are so many of them becoming anxiety riddled?
I think it is ultimately about safety/security and about desire. Worrying about losing people. Not having clear boundaries for friends/partners.
I am reminded of my post divorce phase ("3 lines of interest"). I am reminded how having reliable steady people in my 20's and 30's (L, my mom, L's mom and family) provided my life a concrete foundation. I "orbited" around L. When my mom died and L and I divorced and then his mom died and my family all died or moved away, and I lived far from any of my own friends, I had no more ground under my feet. For a number of years I ran myself ragged stuffing various men inside the hole I had inside myself and boozing and clubbing (which is how I typically met them). My dad has been a steady force in recent years, and I value that, although it is conditional. His health is failing however and support goes more in the other direction these days.
A few other folks who were relatively steady anchors for a time are no longer there for me at this time BG. AN. S. PAG. Life of course evolves and relationships evolve. Saylor is supportive and a steady person. but we don't feel bonded. SB same thing. EF is an old steady friend but not frequent contact. Why not invest more into people who have their feet firmly underneath them? Irish friend is a good friend and supportive but she is in Ireland after all, and she is a bit under water. The dog rescue community is full of people who seem to be wholesome and I feel good when I am around them. The reality is that most people are not looking for more than a casual acquaintance at this point because they already have their foundations set.
Maybe I have never really taken an honest inventory of my personal relationships and the ones which I SHOULD be investing in. This is not to say that I stop being there for S or AN...but I need to have healthy boundaries during their turmoil so that they don't suck me into their vortices.
More and more I am appreciating Proggy. He is really my best friend and the only person who I text with every morning and talk to every evening. We agreed to be "family" in this thing called life.
I need to shut out all the exterior noise and just listen. I have a lot of good people in my camp. I let noise get in the way of being authentically present with and for them. I already feel more grounded after writing about it.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well, AN is gone. Maybe forever. I journaled a bit offline as a way to channel my feelings and clarify my thoughts.
This is how it starts. It's pretty basic. But it echoes the depth of the grief I am currently feeling.
Broken
I only want what most people want.
Someone who loves me enough.
Enough to want to do life together.
Enough to grow and evolve together.
Enough to be there when things are difficult.
This is how it starts. It's pretty basic. But it echoes the depth of the grief I am currently feeling.
Broken
I only want what most people want.
Someone who loves me enough.
Enough to want to do life together.
Enough to grow and evolve together.
Enough to be there when things are difficult.
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Fiera
Well-known member
Well, two days of not eating much and I dropped under 165. Go me (in a very wry inner voice).
I note that after playing dress up last night I really enjoyed getting on old costumes, even though they are a far cry from zipping up. I found some buried parts of myself. I found my blue wig. I opened up Jason's trunk for the first time and had several "I forgot I had that" moments, like a theater style eye mask and elbow length shiny red gloves. I shared with AN my favorite red and black boots, which were never worn before with anyone except Jason. It was fun. The talk beforehand was over and done. He offered to leave and I didn't want him to go. I felt that if he did I would never see or talk with him again, and I didn't want that.
He drank a lot of wine and was feeling no pain. I enjoyed myself. But the drums from long ago were beating in my brain.."he doesn't love you ENOUGH". "This feels like Jason." Being in a situation where there is clearly a bond and intimacy yet can't ultimately go all the way is destabilizing. I have tried it in the past, and it makes me crazy and sad.
I was briskly active this morning, which is one of my coping mechanisms. I cooked some things I didn't get to yesterday. I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned all the dishes. I had nothing to say, so heavy was my grief. I tried to create another opening to talk and he shut it down. There are "intractable" dynamics which cannot be resolved. Mainly his financial security which he says ironically, seems to bother me more than he who is living it, and ultimately he called it my problem.
Fortunately I had Curly Bubbly this morning. I was having some pretty dark negative self thoughts. About people who are no longer in my life, Being afraid of getting older and feeling more and more separated from my past. Feeling fear about the future and being alone, She pointed out that I was engaged in some very black and white thinking and suggested that I make a daily gratitude list, which I think is good advice.
I am not alone. I am far from it. CC called me later in the afternoon and I cried it all out to her while I ate the shrimp soup I had just made. Then I talked with Proggy. Then I went to a womens club meeting.
On the way home, after wrestling with the smoking demon all day, I stopped at a gas station for cigarettes and on my way out the door and witnessed a domestic incident. My instincts kicked in and I ended up offering support and comfort to the young woman with her 2 year old daughter. When the guy took off down the block, I just told her "I've got you, I will keep watch, pull yourself together and take care of your daughter". The I gave her a big hug and said again "I've got you". It must have been the comfort she needed at that moment because it made a huge difference and she was able to collect herself. I stayed with them until the police arrived and invited her to call me or come over and stay if she needed to, I just make note of it because somehow the Universe intervened to place me there at just the right moment and equipped me with what to say and do. It felt good to be of some help to someone and completely put all of my sadness and ruminations out of my head.
The stress smoking thing I will address tomorrow, I am cutting myself a little slack tonight.
I note that after playing dress up last night I really enjoyed getting on old costumes, even though they are a far cry from zipping up. I found some buried parts of myself. I found my blue wig. I opened up Jason's trunk for the first time and had several "I forgot I had that" moments, like a theater style eye mask and elbow length shiny red gloves. I shared with AN my favorite red and black boots, which were never worn before with anyone except Jason. It was fun. The talk beforehand was over and done. He offered to leave and I didn't want him to go. I felt that if he did I would never see or talk with him again, and I didn't want that.
He drank a lot of wine and was feeling no pain. I enjoyed myself. But the drums from long ago were beating in my brain.."he doesn't love you ENOUGH". "This feels like Jason." Being in a situation where there is clearly a bond and intimacy yet can't ultimately go all the way is destabilizing. I have tried it in the past, and it makes me crazy and sad.
I was briskly active this morning, which is one of my coping mechanisms. I cooked some things I didn't get to yesterday. I emptied the dishwasher and cleaned all the dishes. I had nothing to say, so heavy was my grief. I tried to create another opening to talk and he shut it down. There are "intractable" dynamics which cannot be resolved. Mainly his financial security which he says ironically, seems to bother me more than he who is living it, and ultimately he called it my problem.
Fortunately I had Curly Bubbly this morning. I was having some pretty dark negative self thoughts. About people who are no longer in my life, Being afraid of getting older and feeling more and more separated from my past. Feeling fear about the future and being alone, She pointed out that I was engaged in some very black and white thinking and suggested that I make a daily gratitude list, which I think is good advice.
I am not alone. I am far from it. CC called me later in the afternoon and I cried it all out to her while I ate the shrimp soup I had just made. Then I talked with Proggy. Then I went to a womens club meeting.
On the way home, after wrestling with the smoking demon all day, I stopped at a gas station for cigarettes and on my way out the door and witnessed a domestic incident. My instincts kicked in and I ended up offering support and comfort to the young woman with her 2 year old daughter. When the guy took off down the block, I just told her "I've got you, I will keep watch, pull yourself together and take care of your daughter". The I gave her a big hug and said again "I've got you". It must have been the comfort she needed at that moment because it made a huge difference and she was able to collect herself. I stayed with them until the police arrived and invited her to call me or come over and stay if she needed to, I just make note of it because somehow the Universe intervened to place me there at just the right moment and equipped me with what to say and do. It felt good to be of some help to someone and completely put all of my sadness and ruminations out of my head.
The stress smoking thing I will address tomorrow, I am cutting myself a little slack tonight.
Llama
Well-known member
A lot of people are stuck in a rut and rely on too few people to get their emotional needs met. Including me. Sometimes casual acquaintances can grow into real friendships.
Definitely one of the most fun parts or (re)losing weight!
Know that one... When I wanted more of of a relationship than the guy wanted to put in it made me feel so unlovable even though there's nothing wrong with not wanting a monogamous romantic relationship as long as you're clear about it. That last bit can be a bit lacking though...
Which it is. Feeling like a friend/partner might take financial advantage of you is a big problem. But not an illusion. Some people try to make it out like "that's a you problem" means that it doesn't really exist and that's not the case at all.
Oh, well done you! That takes some real bravery to do in the moment.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thanks LaMa for all of your comments. On the non-manogamous relationship for sure it really has to be OK with both people. When I was the person who had two exclusive boyfriends one of them was cool with it but W didn't deal well with it. When on the flip side I briefly got re- involved with W after he was established in another city, I tried being OK with giving him free rein and *I* didn't deal well with it. The only time it worked was about 6 months with Jason, which really wasn't a relationship as much as I would say fellow adventurers in life...then one day I woke up while he was soundly sleeping and found myself watching him breathe and then that thing went off in my chest. I was not expecting it or looking for it, and was like "what am I supposed to do with THAT"? And while I never had any boundaries or expectations on his time away from me, or my time away from him, in the end I was just sad a LOT after that because in spite of our mutual attachment I knew it could never be.
I know better now with AN to not sit in that feeling of longing because once it has kicked in for me in any romantic situation, it has never been positively resolved. So I do like the fact that with wisdom now I know I cannot sit and wallow in it. I do intend to finish and send an email to AN to clarify what I think is an unfair characterization of my truths ("You put a price tag on my head")...and if, as I expect, he doesn't change his interpretation of my intent in an affirming way, then I know that we are done.
I know better now with AN to not sit in that feeling of longing because once it has kicked in for me in any romantic situation, it has never been positively resolved. So I do like the fact that with wisdom now I know I cannot sit and wallow in it. I do intend to finish and send an email to AN to clarify what I think is an unfair characterization of my truths ("You put a price tag on my head")...and if, as I expect, he doesn't change his interpretation of my intent in an affirming way, then I know that we are done.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thank for this perspective! You are right this is a problem a lot of people face.
Fiera
Well-known member
This morning the scale read 163.4 with a BMI of 29.9.
That gives me some pleasure and encouragement.
Last night I looked at used dresses for sale online. When I amassed my current collection (used) I was flush with income and would buy what I liked, 3 or 4 at a time, and then donate what didn't fit. It still might be the most economical route. I got an awfully nice collection out of it. But there doesn't seem to be available the selection there once was on the auction site. Perhaps I need to try the clothing apps.
I would really like to find some things I can wear with tall boots this winter. Skirts and dresses. AN mentioned the other night that his friend took note of my legs one time when we were filming a memorial and I had a dress and heels on. That was at least 8 years ago and I was running regularly. We are getting to an age now where looks are less important and companionship and stability moves into focus. But for me, the glow of confidence I have when I am feeling comfortable with my body is a palpable shift. I know my therapist is a huge proponent of owning your sexiness in any weight range, and hence why I need to push myself a bit to get at least a few new outfits.
I have a workplace reunion coming up in early December and a Turkey Trot before that. Let me focus on ME and not AN or any other person.
Speaking of, the topic of spreading myself too thin and worrying about juggling relationships was present with Curly Bubbly. I talked about the impossible situation with BG and Proggy, and now Proggy and AN. Proggy doesn't object to most of my friendships but he does like to be included in my activities. I guess that bears reflection. But not today. I will be seeing him later as he wants to come with to the dog rescue annual function. Other than that, I am going to sit here and drink my matcha and watch this beautiful sunrise.
That gives me some pleasure and encouragement.
Last night I looked at used dresses for sale online. When I amassed my current collection (used) I was flush with income and would buy what I liked, 3 or 4 at a time, and then donate what didn't fit. It still might be the most economical route. I got an awfully nice collection out of it. But there doesn't seem to be available the selection there once was on the auction site. Perhaps I need to try the clothing apps.
I would really like to find some things I can wear with tall boots this winter. Skirts and dresses. AN mentioned the other night that his friend took note of my legs one time when we were filming a memorial and I had a dress and heels on. That was at least 8 years ago and I was running regularly. We are getting to an age now where looks are less important and companionship and stability moves into focus. But for me, the glow of confidence I have when I am feeling comfortable with my body is a palpable shift. I know my therapist is a huge proponent of owning your sexiness in any weight range, and hence why I need to push myself a bit to get at least a few new outfits.
I have a workplace reunion coming up in early December and a Turkey Trot before that. Let me focus on ME and not AN or any other person.
Speaking of, the topic of spreading myself too thin and worrying about juggling relationships was present with Curly Bubbly. I talked about the impossible situation with BG and Proggy, and now Proggy and AN. Proggy doesn't object to most of my friendships but he does like to be included in my activities. I guess that bears reflection. But not today. I will be seeing him later as he wants to come with to the dog rescue annual function. Other than that, I am going to sit here and drink my matcha and watch this beautiful sunrise.
Fiera
Well-known member
I looked in the mirror to check my outfit. My t-shirt is laying flatter and my tummy is no longer protruding past or equal to my boobs. An actual waistline may soon emerge! I have mostly noticed the initial 15 pounds came off thighs, boobs, belly. But today in the shower I noticed it in my arms, Overall I am much less bloated and I feel like bodily inflammation has gone down. This has to be entirely the product of a low carb, non-dairy dietary shift. Nothing else has changed other than taking daily iron. So Ok we will include both of those factors. Maybe the acupuncture helped on a net basis even though the time of the last treatment was a weird reaction. [Edit: Also consider whether the end of pollen season timing is relevant?]
As begrudingly as I have to do things which are "good for me" I have to admit that they improve foundational aspects of my quality of life. Maybe I will even someday switch the "have to" to "want to" because of the benefits. Not there yet though.
I also want to add that I am seeing the sag under my upper arms. It made me think about what cosmetic surgery options could be available at some point. I didn't do it the last time I lost a lot of weight because it is a risk and because I knew I could not be sure I would keep the weight off. It gave me insecurity around sex and finding a new partner though because I figured what man would not be grossed out by this excess belly skin? I will have to deal with it head on eventually - either make my peace with it or do something about it.
I have AN to thank, I suppose, for indirectly influencing my food composition and also awakening a desire to be physically intimate with someone again. But all that does come with its own emotions and fears.
As begrudingly as I have to do things which are "good for me" I have to admit that they improve foundational aspects of my quality of life. Maybe I will even someday switch the "have to" to "want to" because of the benefits. Not there yet though.
I also want to add that I am seeing the sag under my upper arms. It made me think about what cosmetic surgery options could be available at some point. I didn't do it the last time I lost a lot of weight because it is a risk and because I knew I could not be sure I would keep the weight off. It gave me insecurity around sex and finding a new partner though because I figured what man would not be grossed out by this excess belly skin? I will have to deal with it head on eventually - either make my peace with it or do something about it.
I have AN to thank, I suppose, for indirectly influencing my food composition and also awakening a desire to be physically intimate with someone again. But all that does come with its own emotions and fears.
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Fiera
Well-known member
I had a nice time with Proggy today. The weather was gorgeous. We went to the dog rescue annual reunion. Drove with the Beatles on we enjoyed the music. We almost didn't make it as I was rushing to put the pop up dog tent in the car and it got caught up and a heavy roof rack component fell onto my foot. It took about 10 minutes to be able to put weight on it but eventually I was able to tell that it wasn't broken. The pain though! I was out behind the garage heaving.
The reunion was fun. Kdog got to see lots of other pups and I won a couple of items in the silent auction. Proggy won a bottle of wine at the ring toss. On the way home we made a couple of stops and picked up some seafood soup (Caldo 7 Mares I think it is called) and made salads and tortillas to go with. Now he is napping watching The Bad Seed on the couch and it isn't yet 8PM. He didn't have the energy to go for an evening pup walk, a combination of the hot sun earlier and a bit too much vodka last night.
I'm icing my foot in the recliner. Proggy provided distraction and relief today but when left to my own thoughts they do turn to AN.
Also, I sent a note to Jason this morning explaining where I am at with AN and that I will let him know when this emotional wave has passed. At that time I am in a position to listen to what he wants to tell me.
The reunion was fun. Kdog got to see lots of other pups and I won a couple of items in the silent auction. Proggy won a bottle of wine at the ring toss. On the way home we made a couple of stops and picked up some seafood soup (Caldo 7 Mares I think it is called) and made salads and tortillas to go with. Now he is napping watching The Bad Seed on the couch and it isn't yet 8PM. He didn't have the energy to go for an evening pup walk, a combination of the hot sun earlier and a bit too much vodka last night.
I'm icing my foot in the recliner. Proggy provided distraction and relief today but when left to my own thoughts they do turn to AN.
Also, I sent a note to Jason this morning explaining where I am at with AN and that I will let him know when this emotional wave has passed. At that time I am in a position to listen to what he wants to tell me.
Fiera
Well-known member
Oh! That makes so much sense. It is a spicy red broth which contains 7 types of seafood! Prawns, crab legs, mussels, scallops, shrimp, octopus, and I think fish. It's really tasty and good for you too. Fits the low carb/no dairy diet perfectly. It is expensive soup but such a nice treat, and a portion is enough for 2 people for dinner so it actually works out cost effectively enough. It has been ages since we had it."Hot 7 seas" is a funny name for soup
It is nice to have someone (Proggy) who enjoys doing that together with me.
A couple of times yesterday I drifted for a moment into sad land and he would ask questions about where my head was on AN. While he says that I am free to date anyone I want and he also has mentioned several times his rule about never getting back together with an ex, I don't get the feeling that he has walked away from wanting to be a couple. I have the angel and the devil riding on my shoulders for sure. With Proggy I feel the safety and security and stability I need. Any challenge to our dynamics is perceived as a threat. Yet, there is a missed connection around the depth of feeling of aliveness and creativity and attraction which AN evokes.
I was talking through this with Curly Bubbly and she said "maybe you need to get what you need from different people". But Proggy would not have that. Any idea of someone getting a significant portion of my time - or sharing my bed - I think is a direct threat to our relationship. AN would be OK with it (or maybe that should be past tense after Thursday).
The idea of actually trying to find someone else is daunting. And I know that no one is ever going to check all the boxes. Or at least it is super unlikely.
Last night my non-existent libido showed up, no doubt triggered by AN's last visit. I probably could have acted out with Proggy but the aftermath of such an action would have been a tsunami. It is sad that after so many years as an adult I see old habits and thoughts emerging and I do pray that I have learned enough to make sure I treat his feelings with the caution and respect that he has earned. I failed to do that adequately with AN, I think, I spoke without proper forethought and it wrought what may be an irretrievable breach...but that conversation took two people and I also feel like he jumped on me before I had a chance to finish working through my thoughts and I simply shut down. If only I had pressed pause before opening my mouth. :/
And now, back to ME and not the stupid boys.
Yesterday, I sent an early message to Saylor which was from the heart. She acknowledged it with feeling and said that she had missed me lately. I was touched. And this is exactly what Curly Bubbly would have suggested to me, that I simply don't recognize sometimes that I do matter to other people more than I think.
I am grateful for the time and space afforded me over recent days to spend more time here in my journal. For a while the health issues and doctors visits along with propping up people in crisis were pretty much occupying my entire bandwidth. Am starting to see the light perhaps. Occupying my own space and having boundaries, manifesting, accepting change, and growing are only possible when you have (make) space for them to occur.
Time to work on todays gratitude list.
Llama
Well-known member
Sounds to me like you're doing a pretty good job of it and like Proggy makes a much better friend than he did a partner. You seem much happier about his company now.
Do you think the outcome would have been better and he would've become a fiscally responsible adult if you'd found the exact right words?
Word.