Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Cate. Yeah, some of the single men have shown an interest, but they're just not right.
- Yeah, carpets are cosy but they just get so dirty, Liza. Hopefully we get our way getting them professionally cleaned.
- Haha, thanks Jen.

Things are still moving along at a fairly lively pace. I think after the Covid years, it's like I still can't understand how I have so much to do and so many people to see. How did I get through it all, I don't know sometimes... I guess the girls at work really kept me going.

Anyway, I met some people today I haven't seen in years, which was quite nice. My neighbour didn't recognise me - I'm not sure that's a good sign. Hahaha. She said I was keeping well though, so hopefully it's just because it's been so long.

I played some tennis tonight, we had a good practice session. I have another match tomorrow, the QF, so looking forward to that. I was glad to get a practice in beforehand.

I was kind of in bad form all day but I've cheered up considerably since. I actually ate really well today, loads of meat, which means loads of protein, which I definitely don't eat enough of. My energy levels are soaring. I bought that 'eat for your blood type' book at one point and it said that my blood type is from the hunter-gatherer era and meat, fish, veggies, fruit are really the kind of stuff I should be eating. I don't do as well with grains, which is definitely true. Anyway, all interesting! I definitely feel better physically after lots of meat. Haha.

Anyway, not much else to report. Met my extended family at the weekend, which was nice, but always puts me into a tailspin questioning my life choices and lack of relative progress compared to all my cousins. But are they happy? Haha, seems like it. Anyway, still a long road to go I guess.

 

[Cate]

My sister follows the blood type diet & swears by it. I bought the book years and years ago & gave it up as a joke as I love everything I'm not meant to eat according to it. It was way too hard for me. I gave the book away. I might get it out from the library & have another look though.

 

[liza3]

Anyway, not much else to report. Met my extended family at the weekend, which was nice, but always puts me into a tailspin questioning my life choices and lack of relative progress compared to all my cousins. But are they happy? Haha, seems like it. Anyway, still a long road to go I guess.

So hard when we start comparing ourselves with others... There are just so many factors that go into forming our lives, some in our control, some not. You sound like you have tonnes of really good positive things going for you so I think you haven't done too badly at all with your choices.

 

[alligatorob]

Met my extended family at the weekend, which was nice, but always puts me into a tailspin questioning my life choices and lack of relative progress compared to all my cousins. But are they happy? Haha, seems like it. Anyway, still a long road to go I guess.

I agree with @liza3 the world is full of people who are younger, smarter, richer and more successful than ourselves. Plenty older, dumber, and less successful too. Comparing does little good. You are a good lady, don't worry about anything else.

Glad you are feeling good about your food choices today. Meat is good.

 

[Jenefer]

"Things are still moving along at a fairly lively pace. I think after the Covid years, it's like I still can't understand how I have so much to do and so many people to see. How did I get through it all, I don't know sometimes... I guess the girls at work really kept me going." Em I have been feeling more and more like this every day! But as I am re-reading what you wrote I think the Covid years were hard for you without all the things to do and people to see? For me it was the opposite, all the peace was bliss, lol!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, I think I mentioned it here already at some point, Cate. I definitely just need more protein in my diet, that's for sure.
- Aw, that's very sweet, Liza. I'm great at the fun side of life - not so good on the practical! I just need a bit more balance I think.
- Thanks Rob. Yes, comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.
- Haha, I guess we're all different, Jen. Having too much time alone ruminating is not a good thing for me. I like alone time too, it's just that balance that I always crave. I'm very much split in the middle personality-wise, it's an interesting one.

Today I feel like I could sleep for a year. There's a book called The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year, which I haven't read, but I feel like that's a road I could easily take. So damn tired. I came home and read a Poirot short story and then my eyes just started closing and I had to take a power nap for half an hour. I've revived a bit since, but I'm still low on energy. I did start my period today and I had a match last night, so I guess those two things could account for it. And I haven't really eaten properly today. It's starting to add up.

I felt really fat and bloated this morning (again, probably the period) and I decided that I just had to weigh myself. (Aside: I'm really glad I have stopped weighing myself every day.) I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was 189.9 pounds and 43.7% body weight. Another teeny tiny drop. So that's good. Still moving in the right direction. I just need to push on a bit with it now.

I am getting my hair cut tomorrow! I got paid so I said I'd treat myself. My hair is in very bad shape. You know, I never worried about my hair that much really, I just kind of accepted it's not where my beauty lies. But my friends one day all started talking to me about it and giving me tips on how to manage it and I honestly think since then, it has completely disintegrated. It's like I heard all this negative stuff about it, internalised it, and now I can only dream of it being back to the way it was when they were all criticising it. Isn't that mad?

I actually think I have done that with a lot of stuff. I hear something and my brain just kind of runs with it. Has that ever happened to any of you? Like, someone complains about always getting cold sores and then you develop one? (Has also happened to me, and I never get cold sores.) Is this some kind of awful super power I have? Lol.

Anyway, that's all for now. Thank God the weekend is nearly here. And I can get my nice haircut and catch up on the zzzs.

 

[Cate]

You do sound in need of some TLC, including sleep. I hope your Friday is stressless & you have a lovely weekend, Em xo

 

[alligatorob]

I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was 189.9 pounds and 43.7% body weight. Another teeny tiny drop. So that's good. Still moving in the right direction.

That's great! Direction is what matters most.

Hope you can get some sleep this weekend, but a year might be too much, LOL.

Have to tell you acting on your good advice I just had bacon and eggs for breakfast, it was good. Too soon to know how long it will keep me feeling full. My dog thanks you too, she benefited from the bacon fat removal process.

 

[liza3]

I actually think I have done that with a lot of stuff. I hear something and my brain just kind of runs with it. Has that ever happened to any of you? Like, someone complains about always getting cold sores and then you develop one? (Has also happened to me, and I never get cold sores.) Is this some kind of awful super power I have? Lol.

Um yeah i'm kind of afraid i was the one that jinxed my feet as I was telling people how amazed i was that my feet were doing so well with all the running i was doing...next thing i got Plantar Fasciitis!

Hope you catch up on your sleep and that your haircut turns out lovely

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, that's a polite way of saying that I sound insane, Cate.
- Ooh, I'm glad you tried it out, Rob. I just find there's so much sugar in cereal that it just makes me crave sweet things all day. Hope it works for you!
- Glad you get it, Liza! Not glad you jinxed yourself! I believe in the body's power to heal pretty much anything with enough rest and nutrition, so I really hope it gets sorted out for you.

I'm very happy with the haircut. Tonight, I feel almost, dare I say it, beautiful. Hahaha.

I do think in general terms, I am quite beautiful, but I am constantly taking actions that make me look awful. At the same time, if I had been in good shape all this time and looked after myself, I would probably not have developed much of a personality and would be looking for that validation and praise constantly. That's pretty exhausting. So I'm glad I have a lot more feathers in my cap than just my looks!

I actually wouldn't swap my face or thinning hair or frumpy body with anyone in the world. I really wouldn't. I think that's a cool thing to be able to say. I know I'm lucky really. I think the reunion with my family made me realise how strong the gene pool is. I also rarely get sick and have the constitution of an ox, considering my poor diet and the amount I drink and smoke.

HAVING SAID THAT -

I've decided that for the next 6 months, I am going to focus on becoming the healthiest, fittest and most beautiful version of myself that I possibly can. I'm curious to see how being in the best shape of my life would change my world really. Would I get a whole heap of attractive but more shallow friends? Would the friends I have now want to be around me more? Would I win more tennis matches? (Definitely.) Would other women be meaner to me? (Probably.) Anyway, there really is no more time to waste, as I get older every second. I'm still young enough now to really get into peak condition and be able to enjoy it. Also, I have so many hang-ups about my body that lead me to avoiding men and relationships, and I'm just really tired of feeling like that. So it's time for some changes.

I also am being forced to quit smoking by my body because I've been so congested for the past couple of months and it's just getting worse and worse and worse. I wake up every morning hacking my lungs up. I remember Allen Carr said that this is a good thing, because your body is trying to expel the gunk, but it's a new development for me, and it's time to get rid of them.

Tomorrow is the 1st of July, the halfway point of the year, and the beginning of the end of my relationship with cigarettes. It's going to be tough, I'll probably be a cranky and miserable old sod for a few weeks, but I just have to do it this time. Myself and Dad are going to go watch my friend playing in the final of a tennis tournament tomorrow, which will be a good start to the day, and I have tennis booked for Sunday morning, so I have these little slivers of light to get me through what I am sure will be the biggest challenge of my life to date. But I have a good friend who has no self-control when it comes to a lot of things, and she managed to give them up and has never looked back, so it gives me hope. That's not meant to be a disparaging remark about her, but she's just very chill about a lot of things, so I find it inspiring that she was disciplined enough for this. And I can be too.

Anyway, enough rambling. I will report back tomorrow. I'm going to leave you with one of my favourites from The Duke Spirit.
Don't wait for too long...

 

[Jenefer]

Em great job on the downward weight, that is EXCITING STUFF!!!! I have such a love hate relationship with my hair, I have for my entire life. My hair can be difficult, but if I spend time on it then it can be really nice. I no longer let anyone cut it but me. Every single time I have, it has been ruined and it takes years to grow back. What kind of a cut did you get, I am very curious!

 

[Cate]

"- Haha, that's a polite way of saying that I sound insane, Cate. "
Who, me?
"I've decided that for the next 6 months, I am going to focus on becoming the healthiest, fittest and most beautiful version of myself that I possibly can"
You & me both, Em. Let's do this, 6 months is a good period to make positive changes xo

 

[liza3]

I'm very happy with the haircut. Tonight, I feel almost, dare I say it, beautiful. Hahaha.

I do think in general terms, I am quite beautiful, but I am constantly taking actions that make me look awful. At the same time, if I had been in good shape all this time and looked after myself, I would probably not have developed much of a personality and would be looking for that validation and praise constantly. That's pretty exhausting. So I'm glad I have a lot more feathers in my cap than just my looks!

I actually wouldn't swap my face or thinning hair or frumpy body with anyone in the world. I really wouldn't. I think that's a cool thing to be able to say. I know I'm lucky really. I think the reunion with my family made me realise how strong the gene pool is. I also rarely get sick and have the constitution of an ox, considering my poor diet and the amount I drink and smoke.

HAVING SAID THAT -

I've decided that for the next 6 months, I am going to focus on becoming the healthiest, fittest and most beautiful version of myself that I possibly can. I'm

Oh i love all this. So great the haircut turned out so well. I love that you see your beauty and that you wouldn't trade your body with anyone. So lovely! I also love that you are continuing the focus to become the best version of yourself. I want to take some of that on!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Jen. I got a bob but unfortunately, it's gotten very thin. I am going to up my protein intake and see if that helps matters.
- Yep, 6 months is a nice amount of time to focus on getting fitter and healthier, Cate. We can do it!
- Thanks Liza.

I am in a bit of a slump this evening. A lying on the floor, pleading with the Universe kind of a slump. Tomorrow is my quit day and I am in abject despair and desperation already. I just don't know how I'm going to manage this. I also just don't know how I can not manage it. I just don't want to spend another 6 months smoking every day, I really don't. I missed out on an opportunity to audition for a show because the cigarettes have dried out my throat so much that I can't really sing anymore. That's really my motivation for doing this. Obviously, there's loads of other factors, but this is the first one where it's clear that cigarettes are impacting my life negatively and taking things away from me.

But I am in absolute pain and misery at the thought of having that quick release of all my troubles gone as an option.

I've also spent a lot of the evening begging the Universe for a text message from The Cowboy, as some sort of sign that I can do this, that I should do this. I mean, he has nothing to do with my smoking habit, it's been embedded a long, long time before I met him. But there was one evening recently where we both left the pub together. Normally, the minute I get outside of a place, I light up a cigarette. But that night, I decided not to cos we had a little walk together back to our cars, and I didn't want to talk to him from behind a smoke screen, so to speak. And as we were walking along and chatting, I could actually imagine not wanting to smoke or needing to smoke anymore. I mean, it's because I'm besotted with the man, but it was a great realisation that I might be just fine without them!

But yeah, he's not really in my life anymore, even though I'm clinging onto the memory of him like a stubborn, psychotic little barnacle and I can't seem to stop. But, I don't know, I just need a sign that things are going to start improving for me and that I really can heal and quit this damnable smoking habit.

I don't know what to do with myself now. Tomorrow is going to be hell. I might ring my mother. Lol.

 

[Jenefer]

Em I have always wanted a lovely sleek bob! But my hair is just too 'crazy' so it never worked well for me at all. I love the look of sleek hair, I think we always want what we can't have.

As a laugh with some friends, my father (who was a heavy smoker up until that point) went to some kind of gathering where a hypnotist was going to hypnotize people to stop smoking. My father had no real plan/intention to quit, he thought it was a load of rubbish, but did go along because he was asked to do so. The next day he said he went to light his morning cigarette and that he didn't want one. So he figured what the heck, may as well take advantage of it while this lasts. That was 41 years ago and he has never had another cigarette since. I have no idea if it worked for any of the people he attended the event with or if it works for other people in general. But it sure did for him with zero 'pain'. I really don't remember my father smoking because I was pretty young when all this happened. Maybe something like that would work for you?

I really do think it is a great idea to try to stop smoking, probably even better then concentrating on weight loss for a bit. You can do it Em and you don't need a sign from the Universe/Cowboy! When you were walking home with him, Cowboy was the quick release of all of your troubles gone, you just replaced one vice with another. We all do it, that is why we are here lol! When I need a break from stress, apparently chips are my 'drug of choice.' Learning to sit with the negative emotions/anxiety until we don't feel it so much anymore is what we have to learn to do. But it is surely not easy. You can do it Em! xo

 

[Cate]

Em, while smoking does seem to ease stress momentarily it is only temporary. It is amazing how quickly things change for the better, once you give up. I used to smoke & was 36 when I gave up. I don't know how G tolerated it as once I had given up the smell turned my stomach. Chewing on sugar free gum helped me to give up & my dentist really recommends it. You would feel so much better for giving up & I'm sure that you are strong enough to do it. It affects everything including your hair. Reduced circulation of blood around the body can mean the hair and hair follicles aren't getting the oxygen and nutrients they need to grow healthily. Smoking damages DNA, which can also affect the hair follicles - damaging the hair at the root and the hair growth cycle. When my hair started to go grey I decided not to die it as it was quite a nice silvery grey & my hairdresser said it was because I didn't smoke. Also look at the wrinkles around the mouth of older smokers.
I have been looking for images or info that may help & just came across this-


Enough of the nagging, Cate!
Something will click with you, as it did for me. I know I couldn't be told & had to make my mind up about quitting. With me it was reading a bureau of statistics report on the odds of your children smoking if both, one or none of their parents smoked. I couldn't argue with the facts & did not want to be responsible for our children ending up smoking.
Neither of them do.
Have a lovely weekend, Em xo
PS. buy some sugarless gum

 

[liza3]

I think one aspect that is hard for me giving things like that up, be it cigarettes or sugar, is the "forever" feeling. Like if i could just think in terms of just one day, then I would be fine....but yeah it's a struggle well worth doing for cigarettes.
Wishing you luck and strength--I know you can do it!!

 

[alligatorob]

Tomorrow is going to be hell.

I hope not, you are well into by now let us know how it's going.

I think @Jenefer is probably right. For you stopping smoking may be more important than losing weight. I believe you are probably healthy and physically active and whilst losing a few pounds might be good for you, stopping the smoking would be better. Just my 2 cents, its your life, I'll still like you either way.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Jen. Oh God, I guess I have to put The Cowboy into the same category as cigarettes and alcohol. Darn it! And the bob isn't exactly 'sleek', lol. That's just not my hair either.
- Thanks Cate. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that.
- Yeah, it's forever that is killing my resolve, Liza.
- Haha, thanks Rob. The quitting smoking is very important but I really do need to lose the weight as well.

Well guys! Guess what? The Cowboy did not message me but he did change his profile photo to a picture of the cosmos, which is hilarious considering I was looking for a sign from the Universe. Lol. He's either following along here, which would be my worst nightmare frankly, or telepathy is real.

So, I got my sign, but I still smoked today. I just couldn't do it. BUT... I haven't given up on giving up. I'm just going to tackle it once I build a good routine around the other stuff I need to change in my life. I'm not ready for the level of anxiety that starts to spike when I decide I can't smoke for the day.

Anyway, for July, I am going to focus on the following:
- Take my hair growth tablets daily
- Do a 10-minute hair growth meditation every evening
- Do one form of exercise every day
- Eat at least 1 portion of meat or fish every day
- No alcohol when I have work the next day

Today went well, I achieved all of the above. I had oat bran with cranberries, walnuts and milk for breakfast and apple cider vinegar in water as my 'juice'. I played tennis for an hour, then went with two of the ladies to a nearby cafe and had a cappuccino and a chat. That was lovely. Home then, made lunch of scrambled eggs with 1 slice of toast, butter and cheddar cheese. Had a cup of coffee and a golden crisp bar and read for a while. Went off to buy an iron and ironing board then (how grown-up and responsible of me!) and then called out to my parents where I had a bowl of thai-flavoured crisps and a cup of tea. I also had a can of lemonade on the drive out to my parents' house. Left them at about half 6 and made dinner of fried steak with some peppers, onions, garlic, courgette and tomatoes. So a good enough day.

I desperately want to buy wine tonight because I am constantly trying to sabotage myself, but I should be okay I think. Tomorrow's exercise plan is tennis in the evening and I have a tuna salad made up for my lunch tomorrow. I find this way of living extremely boring but I need to just stick with it and battle through.

Going to read some Poirot now and get an early night.

 

[alligatorob]

Anyway, for July, I am going to focus on the following:
- Take my hair growth tablets daily
- Do a 10-minute hair growth meditation every evening
- Do one form of exercise every day
- Eat at least 1 portion of meat or fish every day
- No alcohol when I have work the next day

Today went well, I achieved all of the above.

Good for you! Now to the smoking thing.

Have you tried vaping? I know it has helped a lot of people quit. I am sure it has it's risks as well, but I suspect they are less than real smoking. And I know for some it can be a transition to quitting.

When my mother quit she tried switching to a pipe, it was pink with rhinestones. Looked pretty silly, silly enough she just quit altogether.