Emily Rose: The Reboot

LaMaria

Well-known member
Great job taking your problem to the person who caused it rather than staying upset! Tennis in the rain sounds exhausting but fun :)
The weight thing... Just sucks. No way around it. How's your calorie balance?
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
- Hi Cate. Yes, shifting workplace dynamics are interesting, particularly after Covid. More and more people are in the office now, which presents new challenges! But, in general, I like the way things are moving. And yes, I am getting better at tennis, haha.
- Thanks LaMa. I always try to only say things about other people to other people that I would say to their face. I try to be direct with people for the most part. Of course, I don't want to upset people either. It's a fine line, but in general, I'm not a fake.
As for the other topic, yes, the weight thing sucks.

Today was hard. We went to visit Mum. It puts me in foul humour afterwards. Dad is amazing, and simply cries and moves on with his day. I internalise everything and get incredibly angry and am currently drinking wine to try to cope with this overload of emotions. It's extremely hard for me to accept the place that my mother is at in her life. I, of course, feel like I've failed her, because I'm always failing her. I think if she had something to bleat about to other people regarding me, she would be fine. She wants a grandchild. She doesn't say this to me, because she knows I will go mental if she even suggests it. So she's gone mental instead. This is how I honestly feel. I think she's worried about me. I think she doesn't have a goal anymore.

At the same time, that's probably the dark side of my brain talking. I know she's proud of me and she loves me and THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. But I find it challenging in a different way to Dad. I feel cut off from her, and that's really hard. I don't trust her anymore. And that to me is the worst thing that could ever happen for our relationship.

Anyway, this is all very heavy for a weight loss forum. ;) One interesting thing my mum said today was that there were so many young women in with her suffering from anorexia and bulimia. That is such a sad thing, absolutely the fault of TV, social media, magazines, etc. I was watching the US Open Women's Final this evening, and the amount of botoxed faces in that crowd was alarming. I personally consider botox as a form of mutilation, it's crazy stuff. I think there's so much rubbish that runs through the media in general that really doesn't get to the root of the problem. People think that they are not enough.

I don't have much more to add. Another day tomorrow. Let's see if we get some joy out of it. I'm sure we can.
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
I, of course, feel like I've failed her, because I'm always failing her.

People think that they are not enough.
You didn´t cause this and you are enough, just like the people who think they need botox (for cosmetic reasons; there are medical indications) would´ve been enough even if they had wrinkles. I know you know that but wanted to reinforce it.

You mentioned having been bullied as a kid: could it be that you internalized that as "your fault" somehow and have since got used to equating "this situation is bad" with "I am bad" on some level? Just a random thought with no claim to knowledge or authority in this matter.
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
It's an interesting one, LaMa. How much am I (or anyone) to blame for how other people relate to us? How much of the feedback we get is helpful and how much is actually designed to keep us conforming and hemmed in? And I probably do some hemming in myself, when it benefits me!!

I can't do anything about my mum. I understand that this is her own thing, and I don't really blame myself or her or anyone. It's just a thing that has happened. I watched a documentary tonight on Mardy Fish, the US tennis player, and he had the same procedure as my mother had, and went through a depressive episode for a couple of years, which is really interesting. It makes me wonder why the fuck they are still doing this procedure, giving no warning before it that you may become severely anxious and depressed afterwards. It was a great thing for me to watch, it was really comforting to know that this happens to people, even gorgeous tennis stars at 30 years of age!!! No one is safe from the darkness really.

Anyway, it's all a bit doom and gloom today. I know that the rest of the week will be better. I had a bad day at work, I'm trying to listen to LaMa and not take my Boss having a bad day meaning that I am doing a bad job. There was an incident last week where I made a joke and got an angry email afterwards about it, and I was just so upset, because I was just going about my day having fun, and suddenly I was upsetting my boss to the extent that she was emailing me, and it was then that I realised that I cannot relax at work, because at any moment, someone will throw a curveball at me, and I won't know how to deal with it. And I have friends like my boss, and also lost/dropped friends like my boss, who will find any excuse to get upset with me and give me a hard time, and I just don't want this shit anymore. I don't choose it anymore. And again, look at me, playing the victim card. I have to stop that.

Anyway, days like today make me want to move on pronto. And maybe I'll do it. I also have to write part of a play this week. And play a tennis tournament. And do my stupid running club. I've taken too much on. OFFICIALLY.
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
:D If it´s official it must be real bad.
This made me chuckle.

Well! I have a story...

I went into the internet cafe in the city tonight to get a head start on writing the extra scene needed for the play. I was going to wait until Friday evening to do it, but I had extra energy tonight, coming from I don't know where, so I decided to make the most of it and head in. Of course, I could just write the play at home, but at home, I have the other distractions of my phone or one of the 10 TV shows I currently have in rotation, so I decided paying 6 euro for a couple of hours where I would have no choice but to write the damn thing would be totally worth it.

I spent the time I wasn't working today thinking up ideas about the scene, so I felt like I had a pretty good grasp of what I wanted to write before I went in. It was a romantic scene - an elderly couple who had a romance that never was in their youth meet up again on a blind date. As the scene unfolds, we learn what went wrong the first time. Will they get a second chance at love? I have two endings written - one happy, one sad. I'll share both with the committee and see which one they prefer. It still needs a few tweaks, but for a first draft, I was really happy with it.

But that's not the story. The story is that while I was typing away, this handsome guy came in and sat at a table nearby with his friends. He kept looking over, and then he was doing some trick with his phone which I didn't understand, and then he came over to show me the trick with his phone. And I was like, 'Okay, this guy is trying to get my attention', and then I wanted to run or die or something, because I am so ridiculous when it comes to this stuff. And then after he was showing me the phone thing (I think he was using it to turn on and off the TV in there), he told me that I had really beautiful eyes and went back to his friends. And I was like, 'Kill me now, I can't cope.'

Anyway, I had to go to the bathroom a while later, and I walked past his table, and he asked me my name and he said his name (Alex) and a few more words were exchanged and I went back to my computer. Anyway, more of his friends came in, and I kind of forgot about him and managed to keep writing the script, and after another while, he was leaving, and he came over to my computer and asked me if I'd be there the next evening, and I said, 'No, I don't really come here that often', and then he asked for my number! And maybe it was because I was writing this romantic scene about missed opportunities and all that, or maybe it was because his face was so handsome, or maybe I am lonely and I want a man in my life again, but I gave him my number! He asked me to write it down on a piece of paper, which was very old school. I said to him, 'You're not going to start sending me weird text messages or anything?' I think he was Polish. 'No, I'm a hard-working man, I was painting today, you can see the paint on my clothes, I won't do that.' And then he took my number and was gone.

So there you go! Romance in an internet cafe! Who knew such things were possible? ;)
 
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LaMaria

Well-known member
How lovely! Sounds like you were on a roll writing and the glow of someone who's in the zone is definitely attractive! I hope the committee picks the happy ending: there are enough sad stories out there in the world right now. Which one did you think turned out better?
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
Hi LaMa. I think the sad one is probably more true to life. And probably has more impact. But the show is uplifting in general, so I'm not sure we should throw a sad ending into the middle of it. I got great feedback from it when I sent it on, the director of the show said she had goosebumps when reading it. It wasn't that good, haha, but it was lovely to hear that she enjoyed it.

Internet Cafe Guy texted me yesterday. I'm pretty sure his Whatsapp picture is of him and his girlfriend. He also seems very young when you look at that photo. I just texted him back and said that it looked like he had a girlfriend, and then he replied today that it was his sister (!). Then he tried to call me. Then SG also texted later this evening. Lol. I don't know what vibe I'm giving out to the Universe. Considering I am currently at 200 pounds, which is absolutely ruining my life and making me hate myself, I'm doing okay.

It's so funny, my friend sent around photos last week of us when we were at a festival. I was 23 at the time, and I don't remember being that overweight, but I looked so heavy. I'm actually heavier now but my face isn't as chubby because I'm older. Anyway, it made me realise that there's no point in wanting to be younger again. I wasn't hot when I was young either!

Anyway, I had a distressing moment today. I had a really big falling out with a friend that I used to houseshare with, I've probably alluded to it on here from time to time, but never really got into it in detail. Basically, we were very good friends, I genuinely thought the world of her. But obviously, when you're house-sharing, cracks can start to form, and I started to feel like I was getting on her nerves a bit. And also, her circumstances changed. I introduced her to her boyfriend, who I sat next to in work, and I also told her about a music group, which she joined and absolutely loved. And then she had a family tragedy, which was incredibly sad and horrible for her and I did my best with it, but I just wasn't equipped to be the rock she needed, but she had her boyfriend and lots of people around her. But, soon after that, she started to cut me out of her life. Then, herself and her boyfriend bought a house together, which she didn't tell me, even though we were housemates and I thought friends. She had said she was moving out, but the buying of a house is a different thing. She never mentioned it.

Anyway, she moved out, I would text her every so often and she'd always take her time texting me back, but we were still friends more or less. Then, she got engaged the following summer and never told me. And I was so hurt. I had been in contact with her over that summer for different reasons - she never mentioned it. I was so annoyed because I felt like I'd been instrumental in her meeting her future husband. And I'd been her friend for a good few years at that time. And, she never told me.

She texted me that October to meet up for tea, and I basically told her to fuck off. I saw her and her husband and baby today walking past me on the street in the city. She probably saw me but pretended not to. I saw her husband look at her when he saw me as if to ask, 'What are we doing here? Do we say hello?' She has lost a lot of weight, not that she was fat or anything before, but she always wanted to be thinner, because she's really into running and it does give you an edge. I was annoyed that I look so fat now. That's so pathetic of me. I was sad that I was wandering around the city on my own and she has her husband and baby in a pram with her. I felt like the villain of the piece. I'm fat and alone and she's thriving. And, in my view, I am the wronged party. I think she treated me like shit, once she'd used me to find a man and find a hobby. I thought I'd forgiven her, but the truth is, seeing her tonight really rankled me and brought back all the old grievances and I am furious. I don't deserve that treatment. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I just want to feel better.
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
:grouphug: I´m sorry to hear that chance meeting knocked you down so. Sounds like you´re doing really well for the play though! And with two different cute guys on your tail you can´t be looking that bad regardless of your weight ;)
 

Cate

Support crew
Em, is your Mum still in the hospital? How is your Dad coping?
I just read back over the first 4 pages of your diary (I do that sometimes) & it was really interesting. Do you remember Hunk? That was so funny! He just about proposed to you.
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
- Ha, thanks LaMa. Yeah, it knocked me back a bit, but I've forgotten about her again.
- Haha Cate, how could I forget Hunk? I might revisit a few pages later.

Well, a week has passed. It was a week of a lot of highs and lows. I'll start with the lows, so that we end the post on a high note. :)

Mum rang this evening with shocking news - actually, that's an unfortunate word choice, but anyway. She's only been in the hospital 6 weeks, which to me is very little time, and the consultant is recommending she either go on lithium or get 12 sessions of electroshock therapy. Dad is beside himself with worry. I am in rage mode. I just don't understand how they are recommending this kind of drastic treatment so soon. Also, of course all I see in my mind is Mum returning to us as some drooling idiot, no long suicidal, but no longer the woman she was either. I'm also wondering how safe it is to be undergoing 12 general anaesthetics to induce a BRAIN SEIZURE when she's had so many heart problems, already had a heart procedure earlier this year, and has been on a mountain of drugs for months. Dad is so worried, he's also hurt his back and can't play tennis or golf, so he's had no outlet all week, and now she drops this bombshell on us. He was crying on the couch after the call and then we had an argument because I kept talking about it and upsetting him. Sigh.

I don't know what's going to happen next, but I tried to buy us some time by telling Mum she should wait until after her appointment with the cardiologist in early October before she does anything different. She will also have a night at home with us, which I am really looking forward to. I have read up about the electroshock therapy, and it seems to be more suited to someone absolutely manic where all other avenues have been explored. If it was so fantastic, wouldn't everyone with depression just get a few zaps and be cured? :( I am really upset.

Another low is a major argument with the new girl in work, which resulted in me getting in trouble with the Boss and everything. I couldn't be bothered getting into it, because it seems like nothing after the call from my mother, but basically, she's a bragger and she said someone else on the team had made loads of mistakes on something a number of times in our team call, and to me, she's not exactly hitting it out of the park herself. It's just way too soon for someone new to be making those kinds of statements on a team call in front of our manager. So I pulled her up on it and she went mental and started raving that she had 'thousands in the bank in Australia' and she didn't need this job and was going to walk out the front door if she had to work in a negative environment and deal with office politics. She reported it to my manager, who gave out to me for instigating it, and I just said I know I messed up, but the reaction I got was not normal. Looks like I went into the story anyway, whoops. I just need to offload, I guess.

Anyway, the good news is that things seem to have resolved today. I won't be saying boo to her from now on, but I'm not sure about her at all. Still, I have to give her a proper chance, which I will. I'm not a complete asshole.

Other good stuff is that I ran our drama class on Monday and it went really well and I recruited a few new people for auditions, which we're holding over the next few weeks. One of them in particular is a real talent, so that's really exciting. The nice thing for me about being so involved in this group is that I've stopped worrying so much about ME and MY PERFORMANCE and am more concerned about the show as a whole and that all the rest of the actors are comfortable and happy and enjoying it as well. It actually makes me a lot more relaxed when doing my own part, which makes my own acting better. So, it's good be considerate of other people, this is what I've learned, haha.

Another nice thing - we have a tennis tournament coming up soon and one of the ladies texted me to say she'd put my name down with her and she hoped that was okay. I thought that was so sweet. We have a different tournament on tomorrow at 2pm, I'm not sure I'm able for it after the Mum turning into Jack Nicholson news, but it will be a new day and all that.

I also played tennis with another lady this week that is a grade 3 just getting back into it, and while she trashed me in the game we played, she was really nice and was asking me to take a lesson with her another time. I also played really well in club night last night and won both my games, which rarely happens. So tennis and drama are good this week.

Anyway, I've rambled on quite enough. I better go.
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
I'm so glad you have tennis and drama to pull you through all this! Sucks that your dad has hurt his back and is now without any kind of outlet.
Back during the first lockdown there was one friend who had to talk about covid all the time even after I explained it was too hard on my mental health and asked her to keep it to the first 15 minutes of our talks. (She catastrophized terribly when things were already unpleasant and uncertain enough.) It just drove me insane with stress and worry so I kind of get where your fight might have come from. I really don't know enough about either treatment so say much about it but I know that both are still used in legit treatment (though only in very specific cases for electroshocks). I don't blame you for worrying though: it sounds super scary.
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
Yeah, it’s very scary. My mother seems so blasé about it all, that’s nearly the worst part. I guess she’s at the point that she’s ready to try anything. She’d probably try being tortured if she thought it would make the emotional pain go away. That makes me very sad. She’s in a very dark place.

Sometimes I think that I am also in a dark place, but I guess the difference is that I haven’t given up hope. I’m ‘functioning’. Thriving at times, I guess. Does anyone find this living business easy after the age of maybe 20? I mean, a lot of prominent people in history seemed to have really tragic backgrounds or cheating or addiction issues. Even Obama smoked! I guess success doesn’t equal happiness. I guess I just want to find the truly happy people out there and learn from them.

Or maybe happiness is an illusion. Maybe you just get a taste of it from time to time, and you keep chasing the high.

Anyway, weight is back under 200. Barely, but I will not allow it to go past that threshold. I am like Gandalf in LOTR - ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS (200 pounds)!!!!!!’

The woman I had the argument with this morning told me she doesn’t want to fight anymore and acknowledged her hand in it and I think that whole scenario has resolved. I felt like her confidence was a bit shattered on the team call this morning, which I felt bad about, but I’m sure she’ll be fine. Her husband sounds like a dick. I’m sure she has her own problems. But I will do my best to allow peace and harmony to reign in the office once again.

I’m probably going to drop out of the running group - I’ve taken too much on. Officially. ;) Isn’t that right, LaMa?
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
Does anyone find this living business easy after the age of maybe 20?
I can´t remember it being easy even before that 🙈
I am like Gandalf in LOTR - ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS (200 pounds)!!!!!!’
:iagree: Emily The Grey? No, that doesn´t sound right. Emily the Green, maybe? Either way: let´s keep that balrog down where it belongs!
she doesn’t want to fight anymore and acknowledged her hand in it
That´s awesome and I really hope it lasts.
I’m probably going to drop out of the running group - I’ve taken too much on. Officially. ;) Isn’t that right, LaMa?
:grouphug: Exactly. Distraction is all well and good but you need a bit of time to sleep as well.
 

Cate

Support crew
Chasing happiness doesn't seem to work. I don't think many people find life easy, Em at any age. Some days I just realise that I am happy with what I have, but I have spent a lot of my life feeling that I have not achieved enough. That is such a waste of energy & your life. I remind myself each day of the good things in my life, even today, or maybe especially today when I am feeling a bit flat.
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
- :beathorse:Take that Balrog!! And yes, I need time to sleep too, LaMa. I texted her today to say I'm dropping it. It was the right decision.
- I really hope things start to improve with R again very soon, Cate.

The weather has taken a dip and it's quite cold this evening, so I'm sitting with Dad in the front room in front of the fire. It's really cosy. He's watching the Porto vs. Liverpool match and I'm here! I tried to ring Mum earlier but no reply. I am taking that as a good sign that she is talking to someone and doesn't have time to answer the phone. I rang the hospital today and asked to speak to her consultant. I think I'm going to be worried sick until I speak to her and tell her my concerns. I left my name and number, so hopefully she will phone me back in the next few days. I will ring again later in the week if not.

I ended up having a few drinks last night in an actual pub (!) which was great, but I was tired and a bit low all day. It's not worth drinking on a Monday, no siree. I did enjoy it though. I have my electric blanket warming up the bed as we speak, looking forward to nestling in for the night. There is something to be said for the nights getting darker and the weather cooling down. It's all blankets and cosy jumpers and warm drinks. It's a nice time of year.

I went to the dental hygienist this evening - she said my flossing wasn't too bad (for once) but I just need to keep at it, and my gums will improve. These visits are also to keep the balrog at bay. He'd disappear completely if I stopped smoking, but why make life too easy? I just googled balrog, it means 'demon of might'. Interesting. Anyway, the good news is that my teeth are fine, and I have a checkup with the dentist booked in again just before Christmas. The hygienist was young and all enthusiasm, and she did a great job.

Tomorrow, I have a lot of work to catch up on, and the plan for the evening is to go for a swim. I haven't gone in ages, it's just been too busy. But now that I have running club out of the way, I will have a bit more time for it again.

That's all, a pleasant enough day in the end.
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
Sometimes the loveliest time you can have with people is when you just sit in the same room with each doing their own thing. Especially when the days are starting to get cold and dark: I agree that the coziness of autumn makes up for a lot.

Also: yay for healthier teeth!
 

Emilyrose

Well-known member
Thanks LaMa. The thing I'm most thankful for during this whole nightmare with my mother is that myself and Dad have such a good relationship. We made a little 'Happy birthday' video for my cousin on Thursday evening and we had so much fun doing it. It was so silly but that was part of the charm.

So, it's Saturday! Yahoo! The rest of the week went pretty well. I didn't do anything much Wednesday evening either, just went to bed early. Thursday we made the video and then I went for a quick swim. The sauna and steam room were open again. They were jammed with people so I didn't make use of them yet, but I might get in there next week if I go to the late night swim session. The medium lane is also back, so we're up to 3 swim lanes again, which is great. I love the pool. I miss my old one though, but it doesn't look like it's reopening any time soon. The new one will do fine for now.

Yesterday, the new girl treated myself and my other colleague to lunch up at the hotel, which was lovely. She's beginning to irritate me a bit again, I have to be honest. She just keeps going on and on about all the work she has to do, and I'm thinking to myself, 'Well just get on with it then!' But I won't be saying any more to her. She also asked another colleague if she did anything wrong in the call that I gave out to her about, looking for reassurance. I think my colleague just said it wasn't a great comment to make. It really bugged me that she asked her that.

Anyway, work is over, so let's forget about her and her annoying voice. I played tennis last night and the guy I was going on about that I met at club night about 6 weeks ago now was playing on the court next to me. I think that post got lost during the forum renovations, but we basically had a blast together, he was laughing at all my jokes, and he even commented we had a real 'spark. ' Of course last night he was there with his beautiful, thin Spanish(?) girlfriend and two buddies. Sometimes I have to ask myself the question, 'Why are men?' But anyway, it was disappointing. He also has an annoying voice, so maybe I'm better off anyway.

This morning, I played some more tennis and then I'm going to have a shower and go for a wax, which is not something I am looking forward to. But I'm going to treat myself to a toasted sandwich somewhere afterwards, which is one of my favourite things to eat. Bread and sugar, the true passions in my life. Weight is currently 197.7, really want to make some inroads this week and try to get it back down to 195.
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
People with annoying voices are the worst and not worth our energy :rotflmao:
Being able to be silly with your dad is lovely though!
I'm going to have a shower and go for a wax, which is not something I am looking forward to.
It´s odious but the feeling afterwards IS nice. I hope you enjoy your toasted sandwich. Bread really is the food of the gods, especially when toasted and covered in gooey cheese...
 

Cate

Support crew
It's lovely that you & your Dad have such a good relationship, Em. Hope you're enjoying your weekend :)
 
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