You can't always get what you want (Athala's diary).

Monday, October 14, 2013.​


Used most of the day day-dreaming while listening to music (A quite enjoyable activity, actually)... Fell asleep at 6 Am yesterday (I just couldn't stop thinking), and woke up around 2 Pm today.

Got the usual yoga class in. I believe it's getting easier, I can also confirm I'm more flexible now!

1228.83 Calories today (37.17g of Carbohydrates, 47.37g of Protein, 87.82g of Fat, 33.44g of Fiber).

Apparently, water tastes specially good today. Really enjoying drinking it.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013.​

94.9 Kg today. Ouch! I assume it's water weight. Drank a fair amount yesterday. I Also took a stupid medication family insisted was for my rash...
Anyways, I'll stay away from that thing from now on. We'll see how it goes.

Woke up with more energy today, but it was LATE. I did notice a drop on energy (and performance) since my fast day, so I wouldn't recommend that.

Plan for today? Just keep calm and continue with the regime. No panic or drastic actions required.

1285.86 Calories today (46g of Carbohydrates, 63.03g of Protein, 82.33g of Fat, 36.26g of Fiber).
Could have ended the day at 700 calories, but that's too low, so I had to "stuff" myself with 114g of beef (no oil used) and 51g of walnuts.

Drank a lot of water today. For some reason, I'm specially thirsty...

2 Yoga classes so far. I'll look into the ones I haven't tried tomorrow.
 
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I hope your day went well today. I've also been doing my fair share of day dreaming to music lately. Boys.. boys.. boys.. that's all I'll say. ;)
 
94.4 Kg this morning. Not quite what I wanted, but I'll get there. Probably it is just water, but still annoys me.

I'll try consuming less salt. I'm feeling I won't be very productive today, haven't been able to sleep properly, and that cuts a lot of my time.

So far, I've eaten an orange and some lettuce. Need to stop wasting time and do some yoga now...

Edit: Bah, it's 6 Pm and I'm yawning. It's ridiculous! I finally get to sleep at around 5 Am (or even later sometimes), and when I do, it seems like I wake up every 5 minutes, turn around, and sleep again.
I can barely function like this...

Edit #2: I took a nap, so I'm slightly better now. Still a bit tired, but definitively better. Hopefully I'll be able to get some stuff done before the day ends.
 
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I'm sorry that you are having a hard time sleeping. Sometimes when I cannot sleep I try to read and for some reason that soothes me and I fall asleep pretty soon after reading. For me it is negative, scary or annoying thoughts that mess with my sleep. Doing something that 'gets me out of my head' helps.
 
Hello Jade. :)

I believe my problem is that I just think too much. I literally can't go 5 seconds without having a thought. When I do fall asleep, I usually wake up a lot and move around, so then when I wake up, I'm both tired and my back is sore.

As for reading, I don't really have a good tangible book. I have a few books in my phone (3 or 4 books of 'A Song of Ice and Fire', and some books from A. Schopenhauer), but I believe reading from my phone would be counter-productive. I also remember using entire nights to read 'A Song of Ice and Fire'...
:biggrinjester:

I would try your suggestion if I had a physical book to read, but don't get me wrong, I appreciate it. :)

Thanks for stopping by! Take care. :grouphug:
 
It's 6:00 Am and I still can't sleep. I just got dressed. I can't continue to sleep at 5 - 6 Am.

Again, I can't stop thinking about stuff, and on top of that, I'm anxious as hell now.

Will try sleeping once it's daytime, but I don't want to eat anything until I wake up again.
 
Since I'm going to be awake for the time being, I might as well write here.

(For clarification, you can read my story on the first post of this diary)​

I've been watching some pictures of the people whom I used to go to school with, 2 years ago. My sister continues to go to the same school, so family usually takes pictures for the "events" there. There are also the ones posted on Facebook, which I can still see, even though I no longer have an account there.

Anyways; they have all changed. Whether for good or bad, they have all changed on some way or another. And yet, I remain the same. Despite having two years basically "free" of any responsibilities, I didn't growth, I didn't changed in any area that was important to me, and neither I acquired any useful skill.

I throw all that time away. I remain the same overweight, insecure, cynical and socially-inept person I was two years ago. I wasted all that time on which I could have turned everything around, I could have devoted it all to improve myself. But instead of doing something about it, I kept trying to escape, and kept wishing things would get better. And when I finally decided to change things, it was because I was drowning on my own misery.

Watching those pictures generally gives me a temporary "boost" to motivation, but I also feel disappointed and jealous, especially the latter one. They all seem to be doing better than me, even though they had less time than I did.

I don't know what else to say... There isn't a "but" here, and neither I can come up with a plan to fix it, I've already wasted that time.
 
I know exactly how you feel! I get nosey every now and then and spy on my school peers to see what they're up to. Some have changed for the better and are doing amazingly well, others not so much. I too feel like I've been in the same place all along. The big thing is to acknowledge the areas in your life that you want to change and start working on them. You can't do too much all at once because you'll only set yourself up for failure, but you have to start somewhere. Definitely use this as motivation to better your life. We only get to live once so we can't waste it wishing and hoping that things will happen. We have to make them happen.
 
You would have to be the most articulate person I have ever come across and still a teen ...use that to your advantage.
Have you ever thought of writing for, lets say reviews...books... or just a blog.
If you are only in your teens and show such potential, I believe the sky and beyond is waiting for you.
Go for for it AthalaRanger.:hurray:

mrs woods.
 
Do not have regrets. That is something I have learned over the years. Regrets just make you angry or depressed or other not so good things. The past is the past, you cannot go back and change it, all you can do is change how you do things now.

If you feel your last 2 years have been wasted, take the steps to ensure the next 2 aren't wasted as well. What do you want out of life? What skill do you wish you had learned over the last 2 years? Whatever it is, go for it now. Don't allow things to remain unchanged for another 2 years and find yourself back here saying the same things again.

The "but" should be "But I have decided to make changes NOW and move beyond the past and what I should have done". That is really all you can do, and try not to dwell on the wasted 2 years that have gone by.
 
I too have some areas in my life that seem like a big big waste. Namely I was in a very unhappy relationship for a long time. It has been hard to realize how much time I let slip by, Then in true ironic Jade fashion I fall madly in love with someone who is soooooo far away. We find ways to make it work and the distance will not be forever.....but I cannot help lamenting the empty years that have passed and long for the future to begin.

One thing I will tell you about people on facebook and such is that those pictures often do not depict the reality of the situation. I too used to think that they did and then a couple of things happened that opened my eyes. Many people 'stage' things to look better than they are. I know people who are totally miserable in their relationships but will post things like "Me and my wonderful hubby enjoying a lazy Sunday." Since I never did anything like that, it didn't occur to me that others would, so I thought everyone was blissfully happy and that I was not.

Turns out I was just more honest about how my life was than many people. I wouldn't be surprised if some of those folks who appear to have it all...are just really good at faking it. When you fake it though, it becomes much harder to actually fix anything because keeping up the facade is a lot of work.

Sometimes life is one step forward, two steps back then three steps forward. It is a process. You can re-invent yourself now. High school is in the past don't let it hold you hostage!
:grouphug:
 
I sometimes tend to focus too much on the past, or future, neglecting the present. Thanks for reminding me about it.

I don't think I'll update anymore with day-to-day activities. I'll post my weight, "unusual" events, or reflections I decide to share.

I've made a list of mid-term goals. I'll share it later.
 
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I haven't been able to fix my sleep. My "cycle" changed to fall asleep at 9 Am and wake up at 5 Pm. It's almost 6 Am, but I'm not going to sleep. I'll wait until is night again, and hopefully, things will go back to normal. Time to bring out the coffee! it's going to be a long day.

I'm debating the possibility of doing another cheat day today, not sure, yet.
 
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Working nights sucks, and can really screw with you. Hope you get into a good routine and manage to get proper sleep. If sleeping during the day I highly suggest black-out curtains so that it appears like night when you are sleeping.
 
AthalaRanger said:
Since I'm going to be awake for the time being, I might as well write here.

(For clarification, you can read my story on the first post of this diary)​

I've been watching some pictures of the people whom I used to go to school with, 2 years ago. My sister continues to go to the same school, so family usually takes pictures for the "events" there. There are also the ones posted on Facebook, which I can still see, even though I no longer have an account there.

Anyways; they have all changed. Whether for good or bad, they have all changed on some way or another. And yet, I remain the same. Despite having two years basically "free" of any responsibilities, I didn't growth, I didn't changed in any area that was important to me, and neither I acquired any useful skill.

I throw all that time away. I remain the same overweight, insecure, cynical and socially-inept person I was two years ago. I wasted all that time on which I could have turned everything around, I could have devoted it all to improve myself. But instead of doing something about it, I kept trying to escape, and kept wishing things would get better. And when I finally decided to change things, it was because I was drowning on my own misery.

Watching those pictures generally gives me a temporary "boost" to motivation, but I also feel disappointed and jealous, especially the latter one. They all seem to be doing better than me, even though they had less time than I did.

I don't know what else to say... There isn't a "but" here, and neither I can come up with a plan to fix it, I've already wasted that time.
Click to expand...

Don't look back, look forward.
I know how hard that is, but it's so much better to rejoice about what is to come, than to regret what has been.
Be a better person, which is what you're working for by loosing weight.
Keep it up!
 
Thanks Guideon. :)

Icy, I don't work nights. I just happen to have fucked up my schedule incredibly bad...
:biggrinjester:

Thanks both for stopping by. :)

I finally got some decent sleep. From around 1-2 Am to 10-10:30 Am. I'll keep an alarm the next few days to get used to it.

Left knee was hurting pretty bad this morning. I believe it has to do with the fact that I expended the whole day yesterday seated. It's better now that I did some exercises, so I may continue with them and do gentle stuff such as walking, marching in place, or some gentle swings. I May do yoga later today.

Here's the weight log for the week:

Sunday 13: 93.8 Kg.
Monday 14: 94.1 Kg. (Sunday was a cheat day)
Tuesday 15: 94.9 Kg.
Wednesday 16: 94.4 Kg.
Thursday 17: 93.7 Kg.
Friday 18: 93.2 Kg
Saturday 19: 93.2 Kg
Sunday 20: 95.0 Kg. (Another cheat day on Saturday)

Scary numbers! But I'm not worried, some of it (Besides some fat, of course) has to be food weight, and some of it has to be water weight caused by high sodium.

I'm still on the process of adding cheat days, lots of variables to play with.

Having said that, I'm ready to get back into the weekly schedule! Hopefully my knee won't prove to be much of a problem.
Take Care Everybody! :grouphug:
 
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Ah yeah I've done that before. Still sucks, and then getting back into a proper sleep routine is hard.

If your knee is bugging you, you're right to do lower impact stuff to get back into it and not make it worse.

I like playing video games. But it really can get in the way of being productive. It's more fun to play games than to say do laundry, clean the house, exercise, grocery shop, etc etc etc. Usually I'm able to stop and do what needs to be done but not always, and it gets really hard. Good for you knowing you need to cut it out! Hopefully you will find a better hobby.

As for the weight, there are a lot of fluctuations but it's not so bad. Sunday was 93.8, Saturday was 93.2 (give that Saturday was a cheat day I wouldn't use your Sunday weight to compare) but that's a lose of 0.6! Not much but it's progress! Keep it up and youwill get there :)
 
Glad to hear you got a good nights sleep in. Hopefully you'll have many more to come! Rest is very important. :)
 
Let's see...

I "decided" to "extend" my cheat day (That's the nice way of saying that things got a bit out of hand) to Sunday as well. I must have eaten above 5000 calories over the weekend.

Yesterday (Monday) was great. I did the easiest yoga class I knew to help my knees get back into the usual regime. After that, I did the usual 2 classes.

My performance improved dramatically, as I could hold a forearm plank much longer, and could also perform all the Chaturangas (Think of a push-up, but stopping few inches above the floor, with elbows at 90 degrees) from the toes instead of knees.

I believe this was related to my calorie (and carbohydrates) "overdose" this weekend.

On the afternoon, I got somewhat sad and anxious as well... So now it's 5 Am, and (once again) I don't think I'll sleep...

Anyways, "good" day diet and exercise wise. Didn't eat too much. 1126 calories according to my calculator, and only 3g above my limit of carbohydrates (50g).

Thanks for stopping by Mandy and Icy. :grouphug:
 
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I fell asleep at either 8 or 9 Am, and slept until 5, 5:30 Pm. At least I got a good rest.

I'm not really feeling like doing anything today. :(

I'll stick with my diet, but I don't really want to do anything. I may try to convince myself to do some yoga later, but days like this one aren't very productive for me.
 
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