Very long winded....sorry....kind of emotional today
Well this is the time of year that I traditionally get depressed a lot, not that I don't the rest of the year. But, this time of year is more so. I don't have any kids, and in a lot of ways, I feel I missed out on a big part of life.
When it comes time for graduation, I feel like everyone else is graduating and I'm being left behind. It's weird because in school, I did pretty well, when I wanted to anyway. At the beginning of the year, I always decided on what grade I was going to get largely based upon the amount of effort. I didn't always have straight A's. There were even a couple of D's thrown in there, but that was due to missing a lot of school (like 30 days in a year, I was sick a lot) and we moved a lot so I frequently changed from school to school. But I did pretty well never-the-less. I made the National Honor Society. I got Citizen ship awards, popularity awards, Junior High class favorite, Best All Around Student voted on by the teachers, etc. The best years of school for me was from the 6th to the 8th grade. I wrote an article or two for the school newspaper. I was on the Junior National Board of Directors for a local bank one year. In Junior High, I played basketball, soccer, volleyball (for church), softball (men's team), did track and field - shot put and discus, went to national competition for Christian schools 2 years in a row. My high school years wasn't that bad either. I was ahead of my class. I took Junior English Honors when I was a sophomore. I graduated a half of a year early. It was a new school, so I didn't play any sports in high school. Then later in life, after graduating, I joined a bowling team and played disc golf. I bowled in a league, which we got first place. I received a lot of patches and trophies for bowling. I bowled in tournaments and sweepers. One year, I made it to the Pepsi games of Texas. I had over a 700 scratch series to qualify while I had an average of 175 at that time. My highest game ever was a 289 in practice. I bowled 10 strikes in a row, hung a 10 pin, and missed it.
My work career consisted of working for a company for 34 years. My job was eventually sent over seas.
But I lead a double life. Even though school was good and the best part of my younger life. I only had friends at school. I never had any sleepovers, movie outings, or anything. No one ever came over and I never went anywhere except for two occasions, one was to see the Philadelphia 76ers (Dr J was my favorite player) and another time to see the Harlem Globe Trotters. I love those two times. Basketball was my life from 6th to 9th grade. During the playoffs, the games on the West Coast wouldn't start until late, 9pm or 11pm. I'd stay up and watch the game on a little TV in the living room while everyone else was asleep. My parents were alcoholics and divorced when I was 9 and remarried (for the sake of the kids) when I was 13. My parents never came to my games except for one time. My mother and brother came to homecoming, but left at halftime because it was "boring". That was the extent of the support I got. Even when I was 8 or 9, I played for the city soccer league (have no idea how I got into soccer, no one in my family is sports oriented. I used to joke that I was adopted. My grandmother said my mother slept around so much that she wondered if I was truly my dad's, but I have his same birthmark so that answered that question for me). In the city soccer league, we got first place, not a trophy but a ribbon. I still have the soccer pictures of me by myself and the team, and the ribbon. Anyway, my coach had to come to my house and tell my mom about it and give her our pictures. During the divorce years, my mother worked in a bar on the county line strip. She wore hot pants. My dad was falling down drunk most of the time so we spent a lot of time at baby sitters that we didn't know, etc. My mom and dad fought a lot, litterally my dad beat her. My mom dated some questionable men at the time. It was not good. Things happened to me and I hated men after that. (read into what you will, you probably aren't far off). My mom always told me that I was happy go lucky and then all of a sudden I changed. So while at school, I was voted for popularity, there was the other side. I was quiet (my 6th grade sunday school teacher always said I wouldn't talk and she had to try and draw anything out of me.). At home, a neighbor of 4 years to my mom, called me the unseen because during that time, she only thought my mom had 3 kids instead of 4. For all practical aspects, I was invisible. For the most part, I had quit talking altogether.
There's lots that I could say or get into, but I'm tired.....I'm tired of life....then I saw a youtube video and a guy said, "You aren't tired of living; you are tired of not living." That really sums it up. I've always done what was expected of me, while at the same time wondering when it was going to be my time.
This year is different. A couple of months ago, I was recommended a basketball video on Youtube. It ended up being a school and they have sports from grades 5 through 12. I started watching them play and really enjoyed it. I have long given up on "professional" sports, way to political for me. Watching was painful at first. I could hear mothers and fathers encouraging and cheering on their kids. They were at the games! I watched enough games and noticed trends. Some had brothers in higher grades that played basketball also. They went to their games and their brothers came to theirs. One thing I liked is that you could see someone in high school and go back each year to see how they progressed. Their parents supported other players on the team as well and called out their names. It reminded me of one time in my life. I was in the 7th grade. We were at an away game. It was after the game. There was a crowd of people, but I was sitting on the bleachers alone. There was a circle of emptiness around me. Behind me, over my right shoulder, I could hear two moms whispering. I got the sense they were talking about me. Next thing, I know, they called one of their sons over (someone on my team). He came down and asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I politely declined. Even if I was all alone, at least they cared somewhat.
Anyway, the last couple of days have been graduation days. Youtube showed a couple of ceremonies for the school I've been watching. but instead of being depressed this time, I was happy. This was the first time, that I could watch anyone graduate since I graduated myself. There was the High School graduation and the 6th grade awards ceremony. They did really good. Most of the basketball team got awards. And a couple of them was for leadership and the presidential reward for academics (having at least an A- average covering multiple years of school), proving you could be a "jock" and be smart at the same time, at least putting in terms from my school generation that I came from. Reminded me when I "graduated" from 8th grade. I was playing sports (not particularly good at any one of them) and I got the popularity awards and got into the National Honor Society. My grandmother later told me that she was sitting by a young girl and heard her say, "and he has muscles too". Sports players weren't exactly looked upon as smart back in those days. Another way I felt like an oddity. At least, my family showed up for the graduations.
Sorry, had to get some things off my chest. Today, after a night of very weird dreams, I feel okay. I got up early this morning and watched one of the ceremonies live. And although there was a small part of me that felt like things were ending, there was a much larger part of me that felt like it was a new beginning.
With that said, I really need to lose weight. It's hard, but now I'm pretty sure I have a hernia and that isn't going to go away. Losing weight would help everything all the way around. It would help my self image overall. I know that shouldn't really be the reason, but at least I'm working on some of the other issues. I need to find a light exercise routine that I can do to tone up, but not aggravate my groin.
I hate feeling alone. The emptiness feeling bothers me the most. It feels like me against the world. The world feels very much bigger than I am.
Thanks for listening.
I'm so sorry the people who were supposed to build you up and support you failed you so thoroughly for so long. Coming out of that with some semblance of mental and physical sanity is proof of a fighter's nature. Doing so and still taking care of your dad the way you do? Probably not healthy for you, but admirable nonetheless and a sign you have a big heart.
