Project Rox

[Rox2]

You guys are SO sweet and your encouragement really helps make me feel better about my lack of "progress".

Now, I just weigh myself every three days or so, and try to be happy to see that same (relatively low!) number.

What's more important is fitting into my "skinny" jeans, which I have done. So, I'm good!


I have to admit that Ruthie's arguement is most convincing. If I get too thin, I might have to cut back on the sexytimes out of sheer tiredness!! Quelle horreur!


My tummy is, I'll admit, a secret source of happiness to me. After four babies and years of being fat, it has amazingly popped rigth back into pretty much pre-baby shape. My weapon of choice has been lots of diffferent kinds of crunches. I ( and my daughter) also love Jillian Michaels "6 week six pack" dvd.


As for my husband and divorce...he's really convinced himself that he can't live without me.

I'm not sure how violent he could get. He's very unpredictable....

All I want is a peaceful divorce, with both of us behaving like adults and acting for the best interests of our four children.

But he doesn't see it that way at all. For him, a divorce means that he will devote himself to making life as miserable as he can for me and the children. He's really a dreadful person....

And it's hard to consider just running away. There is so much money tied up in the house and leaving is like admitting that I have no stake in it. The lawyer has told me several times NOT to move out of the house, as it would count aganst me in court. It's crazy, but French law is completely insane, as far as I can tell....

 

[imaninjadangit]

AI've been reading your entire diary. You are truly amazing! I, too, am a singer and a violinist. I'm 30, and have often thought it is too late for me to go back for music. You have greatly inspired me.

Plus...my favorite show ever? Bartlett Galactica! For my 30th birthday, I got a tattoo on my arm. I have pics of it in my diary. The quote on it is, "All of this has happened before..." I am a total geek. "All of this has happened before, and all of this has happened again," is my mantra. When things start getting rough, I have to realize that it really is all SSDD. Another nerdy reference, there.

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[Starlillies]

Hi Rox - I just want to wish you the best of luck with getting away from your husband. I've had my own experiences with violent men but I can't imagine the situation you are in. Does he know about your "adventures"? Does he care? I can't wrap my mind around why he needs to hold you hostage like this.

Anyway - you look awesome! Congrats on your success!!

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by Starlillies


Hi Rox - I just want to wish you the best of luck with getting away from your husband. I've had my own experiences with violent men but I can't imagine the situation you are in. Does he know about your "adventures"? Does he care? I can't wrap my mind around why he needs to hold you hostage like this.

Anyway - you look awesome! Congrats on your success!!

Thanks so much, Starlillies.

It is indeed a pretty crazy situation. As for the husband...he'd told me in the fall of 2010 that I should just have "disceet" flings with other men...but had to stay with him and not fall in love with anyone else. At the time, it really broke my heart (the few tiny bits that were still intact, anyway) and I couldn't imagine it.

A few months later, he changed his mind and said that wasn't really what he meant. But by then, I'd already given up on him. I no longer felt anything for him and already had a boyfriend....

In fact, he has NO CLUE that I have a boyfriend. I don't think that he sees me that way at all. For him, I'm just his boring old wife that he's known for 23 years.

And I think he needs to keep me hostage because he has few friends and hates to be alone. And he's such a hypocrite that he wants to keep the image of his "perfect family" intact in front of his family and work colleagues.

Thanks for the props on my appearance. I'm feeling pretty good right now. I've been doing a juice fast for the last two days. It's a fun change...though last night I did get kind of hungry for some real food... But I took a two-hour fast walk with one of my daughters yesterday, so that may be why I was extra-hungry.


Today I'm not hungry at all though- I'm waiting for news from Nick. Hopefully, we'll see each other today. I just saw him Tuesday night...but it's so hard to wait!


Now, I have a question that I need to throw out and get some ideas on.

Can anybody help me out with an opinion here?

Here's the situation: Nick is six years younger than me and quite naturally fit. When I met him, he was maybe a tiny bit overweight. I thought he was perfect, of course! But his tummy wasn't a fat-free six-pack. Not that I would even care about that, but it seemed to bug him. He would sometimes mention that he wanted to do more sports and lose a bit of weight, but was always too busy with work, etc. and just wasn't really motivated.

But in December 2011, he quit smoking. And since then, he's gained some weight. He's really self-concious about it now and I think he's really ready to take action. He mentions it every time I see him. He says he's gained a total of 20 lbs over the last two years and he's really not happy with his body now.

I, of course, tell him that he's gorgeous and sexy...but that he should do what he needs to to be happy and I will completely support him.

Up to now, no problem, right?

But this is where it comes in: Nick never knew me when I was obese. He's never seen photos from then and I never mentioned it to him. in fact, i never talk about my weight with him at all!!. I know I'm far from perfect, but I didn't want to play that game of putting down my body. Yes, I wish my thighs were skinnier and firmer, but they're not and I'm doing the best I can. So, no "fat talk" for me!

But for the last few weeks I've been wondering whether I should tell Nick that I used to be obese and that I've had a major weight-loss journey.

Would it be weird? Would a guy find that a big turn-off? Is there any point?

In some ways, I like being "naturally" normal. I have lots of friends in my life now that never knew me as a "fat lady". All they know is slim, well-dressed, confident Rox.

IDK...what do you guys think?

 

[imaninjadangit]

ATell him! It's part of your history and what made you who you are now! In my personal experience, I have had nothing but good from being completely open about my weight. My boyfriend is very proud of me, and tells me that all of the time. Plus, if you wanted to help him, he might be more apt to take your advice, since you bbs solid proof that your methods work.
Don't hide yourself to make someone else happy. If someone can't accept your past, then they aren't a good fit in your life. Be proud of the work you have done, and the amazing woman you've come to be. Own it!

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[Sunflower2]

He'll think you are even more fabulous and strong And I bet it'll encourage him to get motivated again! xxx

 

[Rox2]

You guys are probably right. I've been feeling more and more like talking about it with him. He's supposed to come over tomorrow afternoon and if an opportunity arises, I think I'll bring the subject up.

Thanks for putting my main worry to rest!

I think that my worries about this conversation have been twofold, though . One problem is that I've been afraid that he might think it is creepy to be with an ex- very fat woman. And this is just dumb, because Nick is smart and sweet and wouldn't think that way Hana is right- he probably will think that it only reflects upon my awesomeness.


The second worry is a bit trickier, though. Now that he's so worried about his own weight, I'm wondering if he'll think that I'm telling him about my journey because I don't think he looks great and I want him to lose weight. I don't want him to see this as pressure in any way. But i think I'll be able to make it clear to him that I'm just here to support him in doing what he wants to do in order to feel good about himself. I hope I'll be able to pull that off, anyway....

 

[Starlillies]

Hey Rox - Your predicament is intriguing, I've filled my my boyfriend in on a few of your details and this is his male opinion: "I would rather maintain the mysteriousness of a woman I love. It's part of the romance and what keeps me guessing. I have nothing to gain by knowing that my lover used to be this or that... only what she is today before my eyes and what she wants of me."


Take it or leave it. Just thought it might be helpful to get male's POV. Hope this helps in your decision

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by Starlillies



Hey Rox - Your predicament is intriguing, I've filled my my boyfriend in on a few of your details and this is his male opinion: "I would rather maintain the mysteriousness of a woman I love. It's part of the romance and what keeps me guessing. I have nothing to gain by knowing that my lover used to be this or that... only what she is today before my eyes and what she wants of me."



Take it or leave it. Just thought it might be helpful to get male's POV. Hope this helps in your decision

Thanks, dearie. Quite interesting! Actually, I have had an inkiling that a lot of guys might feel that way. And I think that's why I haven't said anything. I saw Nick yesterday and we had a lovely afternoon and I didn't end up wanting to talk about it.


I think it's going to depend on whether or not he keeps complaining about his weight and/or does something about it. I think that if he really starts a weightloss effort, I'll feel like I want to help him and let him know that I've been where he is. But if he lets the matter drop, I doubt I'll ever say anything.


I would, actually, be interested to get a direct male input on this question, though. Maybe I'll post this as a general question on another forum and see if I can scare up a few more opinions...

 

[Irishprincess]

Heeeeeeeello there, just went through your Rox's progress pics and i am in complete awe. You are stunning hun and you lost so much weight, you look like you were never overweight your body is to die for.


I have to yet catch up on your diary but i just wanted to say you are such an inspiration and so awesome xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by Irishprincess


Heeeeeeeello there, just went through your Rox's progress pics and i am in complete awe. You are stunning hun and you lost so much weight, you look like you were never overweight your body is to die for.



I have to yet catch up on your diary but i just wanted to say you are such an inspiration and so awesome xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks so much! I don't know that I'm awesome...but you are so sweet to say so.


I haven't been feeling really awesome, that's for sure. Over the last few weeks, the Big Event approached. By that, I mean that my boyfriend's girlfriend was approaching her due date. His daughter was born yesterday. He texted me a couple of times during the labour. And he texted me a couple of times today. He says he loves me and misses me. We'll probably see each other tomorrow afternoon. I hope, anyway.

All this is mind, I never got around the mentioning any of my own crap to him. It just hasn't seemed relevant. I've been concentating on being cool, fun, sexy, loving and confident. Freaking out will serve me nothing.

Here's the sms I sent him in response to his news about the baby: "Congratulations! I'm sure she's perfectly beautiful. I llove you more than ever and am so happy for you."

And I am....kind of.

But I have to say that I woke up this morning and, though I usually think of Nick as soon as I am concious, I didn't today. I thought about what I'd make for lunch. Then I remembered Nick and the baby and the girlfriend...and I felt just sick.

This is all not good and I feel so scared.

The stress has been making me feel like eating. Comfort eating would be...such a comfort. But I can't. So I have been keeping myself under iron control. About 1200 calories per day.


I'm not a bad person, really. I promise. But I must admit that I think this rather mean thing: His girlfriend is going to be fat, tired and uninterested by sex. While I'm going to be as sweet and sexy as ever. And even thinner. I'm down to 138 now....

 

[Rox2]

Well, I'm still quite busy trying not to freak out and binge eat due to stress. But I won't go into that. I just have to wait and see what happens......


All of that mess aside, I DO have some fun news to share! On Friday night a girlfriend invited me out. She was feeling a bit depressed and a bit sick of the dating scene, so she was in the mood for a girls' night out.

I have to admit that it's been ages since I've been to a "normal" bar or dance club and she wanted to go out to a couple of trendy bars in Geneva. Geneva is a town full of very, very wealthy, glamorous people. No pressure there, right?

I dressed pretty carefully,trying to avoid being too sexy, too cougary, too boring, too tacky .... Who knew that looking like you're "not trying too hard" would be SO much work?!

I think I tried on at least eight different outfits.

Of course, back when I weighed 220 lbs, it was sheer torture to try on outfits, hoping for one to look at least acceptable. Now it's a bit annoying, but kind of fun, as pretty much everything looks kind of awesome:coolgleama: I'm not saying that I'm perfect...I still HATE my upper thighs and I sure wish I had cleavage. But I basically feel pretty good about my body. And that feeling is priceless....(and it's what's keeping me from binge eating right now!!!)


At any rate, I ended up in a plain black H&M top, a black (not too short!) mini-skirt printed with tiny red cherries, opaque black tights and funky high-heeled mary jane. I was still a bit nervous, but figured it was the best I could do.


Actually being at the bar was a real eye-opener for me. I was definitely one of the oldest women in the bar- as I figured I would be.

But (here's the surprise) I was being flirted with and hit on ALL the freaking time!!!

As one twenty-something hipster were bought me a drink, I thought "This is like thinking your bank account is empty and then finding that some anonymous person just add a few thousand dollars." I had pretty much thought I was going to be ignored by men- which was ok. I'd planned on just chatting with my friend. But we ended up flirting and dancing with guys all night long (until 3am!)

My favorite moment was when one rather hot 30 year old admirerer asked my girlfriend, "Don't you think that Rox has a face like an angel?". (I ended up giving him my number...)

I have definitely gotta embrace the cougar thing....


Thinking about all this certainly distracts me from my Nick issues. But the fact remains that I love him to distraction.

I know he wanted a baby and I am SO not doing the baby thing again. But still.....

This is all so messed up....

 

[Lattes]

AI binge b/c of stress but worst is night eating... How the hell do you curb that?

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by Lattes

I binge b/c of stress but worst is night eating... How the hell do you curb that?

My most challenging time is the evenings, too. I have to have a rule that I can't eat ANYTHING between 8pm and 6am. And if the urge is too strong in the evening, I watch tv/read/surf the internet up in my bedroom. Our living room is next to the kitchen, while my bedroom is up in the attic. So, that lessens the chances I'll go rummage around for something to stress-eat.

 

[Lattes]

AI find there are times I can't sleep and all I do is lie in bed thinking of food... I used to just eat a little bit, I would ration out the day to allow for a late snack.

Sometimes a LOT of water helps (like 2 liters/half gallon) because it fills the stomach. Other times just about nothing does.

Can I train my body not to crave at night?

 

[Rox2]

By Thursday morning, Nick still hadn't sent me any news. I hadn't had an sms from him since Sunday and was pretty miiserable. I finally sent him a short message and he reponded right away. He apologized, said he'd been busy and proposed that we meet that day.


It was really wonderful to see him again. I'm really kind of addicted. And I'm happy to report that he is, too. He is completely crazy about his darling baby girl, of course. but he is definitely still in love and nothing has changed between us.


We went out last night, as well. It was a really outrageous party at a swingers' club... There was an open bar all night, but I just drank Coke Zero, as I usually do. I'd had about 1200 calories and didn't want to go over even a tiny bit. Luckily, I don't need to be drunk to get up to all kinds of mischief:coolgleama: My favorite part of the night involved me, Nick, a nice young man from Tahiti (SO cute!!) and Alexi (a very big, very hot Russian guy) Between being totally in love with Nick and being able to enjoy a really "unusual" sexual life, I'm SO happy! If my husband wasn't in the picture, life would be perfect!


I'll be seeing Nick again tomorrow afternoon, if things go as planned.


It's now 8:30pm. I'm at about 1100 calories...and Hollande just won the election here in France. (how's that for a non-sequitor?) I'm pleased, as I think we're ready for a change.

 

[eerika]

AYou're definitely very openminded about your sexuality, and I respect that! Ive been reading your sex advetures with curiosity, Im actually not shy what comes to sex, because I enjoy it A LOT too. But I would never be so fearless like you I guess. Ive never really liked a fantasy about having sex with several people.

But I have secret too. My first long-term relationship was with a girl. So it tells something about my oppenness. I knew since I was a little girl that other girls made me feel weird things... And when I was 13 years old or so, I admitted to myself I was bisexual. At age of 16 I met my girlfriend and we were over 2 years together. My parents werent surprised really, they had seen me crushing on girls etc. But anyway, thats a long story short about me.

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by eerika

You're definitely very openminded about your sexuality, and I respect that! Ive been reading your sex advetures with curiosity, Im actually not shy what comes to sex, because I enjoy it A LOT too. :biggrin: But I would never be so fearless like you I guess. Ive never really liked a fantasy about having sex with several people.
But I have secret too. My first long-term relationship was with a girl. So it tells something about my oppenness. I knew since I was a little girl that other girls made me feel weird things... And when I was 13 years old or so, I admitted to myself I was bisexual. At age of 16 I met my girlfriend and we were over 2 years together.

My parents werent surprised really, they had seen me crushing on girls etc. :biggrin: But anyway, thats a long story short about me. :biggrin:

Hey there, sweet girl! Thanks for coming over and sharing. I know you're going through a lot in your life right now,

It is SO interesting the secret depths people have. You can never look at someone and be able to tell what is really on the inside. And certainly I think that lots of people deliberately hide what they really want...sometimes even from themselves! I think it's great that you were secure enough to express your bi side at a young age. It took me much longer to uncover what I really wanted and then go after it.

Of course, I think for women that exploring sexuality can be much more difficult than it is for men. When we are young, so much of sex is mixed in with wanting to have a permanent relationship and have children. It was only when that was mostly all out of the way for me that I could manage to really pursue my sexual agenda. (Not that I don't care about my children!! It's just that they don't need me so much now as they did when they were little tykes)


As for being "bi"- that's quite interesting. I definitely see that as a continum and not a "yes or no" kind of thing. I've been with women in group sex settings and I have found that I'm a little bit into that scene. My attraction to women is maybe a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. One thing I can attest to is that I have ALWAYS had a great time making out with women! they tend to be great kissers!! Men, on the other hand, are highly variable. There are men whose kissing syle is really dreadful, in my opinion. I really couldn't stand it: too slobbery, too forceful, too dry, too mechanical.... Women are just better at it.


Boy...what a crazy tangent. My weight-loss diary has turned into a kinky sex forum. I'm so proud:coolgleama:


But i will go ahead and give a bit of on-topic news:


My weight today: 138.6 I don't know why it's up a little. Maybe because my TOM approaches?


I am SO hating on exercise right now. The only exercise I want to do is sex. Sadly, that's only two or three times per week. So, I know that I really need to get re-motivated.

But I just don't feel like it. Why am I so difficult I know i need to do it.....

 

[jasper1]

ok i am officialy pathetic,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I enjoy reading about your sex life cause i get a bit of a thrill out of it......i am so jealous that you have SEX so often.Like i read about your kinky life as if its me!!!!!!!OMG....!!!!

Yes say it!!!i should get my own really interesting sex life....or at least a sex life all together....but anyway....

You are awsome!\If you are expecting your period than yes in water retension that little gain.!

Really do you know how many cals are burnt during sex?interesting.

 

[Rox2]

Originally Posted by jasper


ok i am officialy pathetic,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I enjoy reading about your sex life cause i get a bit of a thrill out of it......i am so jealous that you have SEX so often.Like i read about your kinky life as if its me!!!!!!!OMG....!!!!

Yes say it!!!i should get my own really interesting sex life....or at least a sex life all together....but anyway....

You are awsome!\If you are expecting your period than yes in water retension that little gain.!

Really do you know how many cals are burnt during sex?interesting.

You are SO not pathetic! And I'm very happy to provide you with vicarious sexual entertainment:biggrin:

I don't know if I'm awesome...but I sure am braver and more shameless than I ever knew I was. And oddly enough, all of this crazy sex has made me like my body more! I know I'm not perfect- far from it. But I find that I'm happy to be in my physical self, and that's a good thing!


Also- I HIGHLY recommend that you get an interesting sex life, Jasper!! It mostly involves figuring out what you really want and then asking for it!


I don't know how many calories sex uses up. I imagine that it definitely depends on how you do it. Boring missionary probably hardly burns any. But as I like to be on top, I probably burn more than average.....