Paroxysm's Diary

I was in counseling for like three years.

I've been hospitalized six times-- behavioral hospitals. For cutting, attempting suicide, threatening to commit suicide, etc.

I haven't been in over two years.

I've been out of counseling and off anti-depressants for at least a year. None of it helps.

I'm okay now...
 
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm so sick of being fat. All of my depression pretty much stems from my weight.

But I hate counting Calories, and I feel like a failure.
 
Hi P, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly.
I wish I had something to say that would magically make things better for you. Honestly, I'd love to just reach into the computer and give you a big ol' hug because I've been there too. I think we all have. If it wasn't your weight, it would be something else. At least this you have some control over. You are a beautiful, smart young lady who is worth sooo much more than your depression makes you think.

Hang in there, it DOES get better.
 
Paroxysm said:
I really do give up. Bye everyone.
Click to expand...

Okay, well... I need to start over.
Because if I don't, I'm just going to gain wait and be even more miserable.

I'm starting a new plan.

So I went here:
And it told me that walking briskly for 40 minutes burns about 422 calories.

So the new idea is to... wake up at 6:00 in the morning, take a 20 minute walk, take a shower, then eat breakfast-- in time to catch the bus. Since the bus comes at 7:15, and I'll have an hour for all of that.

I'll be trying to take in 1300-1800 calories a day, depending upon if I actually exercise or not.

If I don't exercise, around 1300, and if I do exercise, 1800 or below. I'm going to start weighing in every Monday now.

When I get home from school, I'll take ANOTHER twenty minute walk, which will make 40 minutes altogether.

And I'll also be doing 50 crunches: 25 in the morning, 25 in the afternoon.

I hope I can stick to this one.
 
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Paroxysm,

I'm glad you decided to get back on the horse. I remember watching Oprah once and she said that in order to lose weight, to REALLY lose weight, you're gonna have to want to do whatever it takes to get there. At the time I just grunted and didn't really pay attention to it because I wasn't willing to do what it took, I still wanted to eat what I wanted, and not exercise. Anyway, my point is, you seem like you really want to do this.

There ARE going to be struggles and times when we just want to give up, when we think that we can't do it, or aren't strong enough to do it. Sometimes I'm the same way... and I know its SUPER cheesy, but I remember this quote from the movie Akeelah and the Bee:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

*hugs* Stay strong. You deserve this no matter what you're brain is telling you.
 
Thanks.

You know that post I did yesterday? With the friend telling me to eat? Sana Ma Bob?

Yeah, well. I just got her to join the forum also. Her user is 'Another Soapbox.' Her name's Mishell, and she's one of my best friends, so she's going to help me along the way also. :)
 
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So is your friend loosing weight, too? That could be a great thing! It's great to have a real friend to go through it with! You can do it! Just hang in there!!! :) *hugs*
 
MmK, so...

I went out at 6:05; returned at 6:28. That's 23 minutes of walking. (2 laps around my neighborhood.)

I just got out of the shower, and now I'm starving.

I'm planning on eating a poptart again (200 Cals.)
 
MmK, so...

For lunch, I had 1% milk because they didn't have skim (110 Cals).
I also had two chicken tenders (450 Cals), a roll (76 Cals), probably about half a cup of green beans (35 Cals), and an apple (55 Cals).
Plus, I just had a slice of pepperoni pizza (approx. 200 Cals).

So far, plus breakfast, it's 1126 Cals.

I've yet to eat dinner.
 
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So Maranda and I did a lap around my neighborhood, then walked 1/4 of a lap to what we like to call the "Hill of Doom." We walked halfway down the hill and then attempted to jog back up it. It's truly evil.

Then I came home and attempted some "Air Bike" crunches, as seen below.
airbike1s.jpg
airbike2s.jpg


I did 50 (single) knee lifts also.

I might try running down and up my stairs, some more "Air Bike" crunches, squats, more (single) knee lifts, some double knee lifts, or lifting my little five pound weights later.

I might also take another walk when it gets darker out. I don't know why, but it's easier for me to walk when it's not light out.
 
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Hey Paroxysm.

Good work with all the excercise... keep it up. The only thing that I'd have to comment on is all the crunches etc. You seem to be doing an awful lot of them... and that may seem great, but if you don't build up to it it wont work. When I started my weightloss I did 10 crunches, thought to myself "oh this is easy I can do loads", and did loads more. I then couldn't move for the next few days. These days I stick to 10 a day, though I will be gradually increasing it.

I guess my point is, don't overdo it. It's easy to do if you're enthusiastic and it feels ok at the time, but with those kind of excercises it will catch up with you. (And if you aren't able to do any proper excercise for a few days then it's all been a bit counter-productive.)

Anyway aside from that it all sounds great. It's good to have somebody to excercise with isnt it. :)
 
I didn't do many of the crunches at all.

And I wasn't saying that I was going to do a whole bunch of ALL of those things.

I was just thinking about trying some of them out so I can see how many I'm capable of doing because I want to be able to work them into my routine at one point or another.

I'm not going to kill myself with exercise, don't worry.
 
Oh thats ok then... just a warning that you need to start with just few of each and work up, however many you feel you can do.

I don't know a lot about the knee lifts etc but I'm sure the same applies to them all.

Hows the eating front coming... still doing well with the calorie control?
 
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