Paroxysm's Diary

Well, I don't think that knee lifts are too bad since they're basically exaggerated walking.

I could do knee lifts all day and feel fine. I just did some double knee lifts, and it's all good.

Yeah, I suppose I'm doing okay with eating. I counted my calories for today... The numbers are up there. -Points to an above post.-

Today is my "day one" restart kinda deal since I kinda did well for like four days, then went crazy over the weekend, being depressed and mostly crying, sleeping, and NOT eating or exercising.

I should get my uncle to put my chain on my bike so I can attempt to go biking. I haven't ridden a bike in YEARS.
 
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Dont dwell on your bad weekend. (Which could have been worse anyway, if you'd eaten fattening foods all weekend like I did not long ago!) Just put it behind you and concentrate on working all the harder now. Like you say it's a new day 1. :)

I enjoy cycling a lot, just it's so damn hilly around here. (Plus it's cold now. ;))
 
That's why you put on a jacket and keep moving, eh?

Oh mannn. My Canadian girlfriend has got me saying that dreadful word.

-Falls over.- EH!?

I'm going to go take another walk out of boredom. Ciao!

EDIT: Okay, so I did one lap. When I got in, I did some lunges also, around the downstairs of my house. Those things hurt like heck, but they're supposed to be good for your buttocks and thighs?

So anyway... 2 laps this morning; about 1 1/2 laps this afternoon; 1 lap just now. That equals 4 1/2 laps, roughly, and since I average about 10 or 11 minutes per lap, I've walked about 45 minutes today. Pretty good, eh?

Did I mention that earlier today, after our walk, Mandi and I tried to put ourselves into a push-up position and couldn't? That's kinda sad.

In addition to working out, I'm trying to simply tighten, hold, and release certain muscles when I'm just sitting around... Like my buttocks or stomach. Blahhh.
 
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Kay, so... problem = the fact that my parents are AKJFKASJGAJG with food.

Not sure what they're cooking, but I'm pretty sure that it's going to be tempting. I'll try to get a small portion. I know that there is some bread smothered in butter involved (which I'll try and get like half a piece of I suppose) and these white chocolate oreos for afterword. ONE oreo is 100 calories, so umm... I'll eat one. -Dies.-

Man, dinner's going to kill the Calorie counting. Oh well. It can't be above 1800, right?
 
Whatever. We're saying I had about 1800 calories today.

I had a cup or a bit more than a cup of chicken rice and a pretty big piece of garlic bread.

I resisted the oreos.

I'm going to eat two tomorrow morning. It's the equivalent to what I normally eat, sooo...
 
Congrats with all the walking! I love walking! :)

Man, parents know how to spoil a good diet huh! lol My mom likes to make the most fattening of stuff when I go home (usually lots of cookies and cakes and stuff covered in butter!). Do your parents know you're trying to watch what you eat? When I told my mom she tried (I use the term loosely) to cook better stuff for me. I still had to practice some major portion control, but it wasn't as bad as it normally is. :)

Good luck tomorrow! :D
 
hyperose said:
Do your parents know you're trying to watch what you eat?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, no.

I don't really see the point in telling them since it probably won't make much of a difference.

I should probably tell them not to buy me soda, but I think that I can deal with the portion control... maybe.

See, if I tell them I want healthy food, they'll buy me salad, fruit, maybe yogurt, or sugar free jello-- like once.

That's what they do.

And I really don't plan on eating the salad, and the fruit's gone before you know it.

I just wish I could buy my own food.

ANYWAY, I just did another two laps around my neighborhood (24 minutes.)

I plan on eating two of those cookies, if I can find them. My parents might actually have them in their room, and my uncle's asleep, sooo blah. (They might actually be all gone, which is kinda gross at 100 calories per cookie.)

If that's the case, I'll just eat a poptart?
 
You don't like salad?!?!? I love salad with lots of cucumbers and chicken! :D mmmmmm **dools on her keyboard** haha :D
 
I like salad... but not everyday.

And not the kind that's in a bag.

I like having an actual head of lettuce and stuff such as mushrooms, cucumbers, tomatos, etc. to put in it. Packaged stuff = eghhh. And that's what my parents buy when they do.
 
Ah, I just buy the heads of lettuce and my own fixings....they always put funny stuff in the bags...besides, it doesn't taste as fresh! Well good luck on everything and congrats about the walking today! :)
 
So today...

3 cookies: 300 Calories
Skim milk: 90 Calories
5 pieces of chicken nuggets
Roll: 76 Calories
1/2 cup of sliced carrots
A banana
Like 7 assorted nuts: 60 Cals?

I don't feel good right now. Like every other day, I'm depressed and don't feel like I can do it. I don't think I'm going to take another walk today, even though I probably should.
 
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So my parents are making me cook, which has it advantages.

I got to read the label for the lasagna. It's 400 Cals per cup, so I'm going to try and get maybe 3/4 of a cup... Which would be about 300 Cals.

Woot.

Edit: What do you think of this poem?

Some might call me depressed--
Yes, some might call me that.
And some may call me obsessed--
It most surely is a fact.
A few venture to call me blessed--
But this statement I combat.
It is the good that I contest--
I let the rest fall flat.

I amuse myself with wicked thoughts;
They push me through the day.
The choice to live is indeed wrought.
I detest life, I often say.
Most days I am overwrought
By feelings of pity and pain.
Unintentionally, attention is caught,
So happiness is what I feign.

The facts are not so concrete.
It's like a guessing game.
The self-loathing speech I repeat
Has been engrained into my brain.
Since years before, I've felt incomplete.
My heart and mind I cannot tame.
The harsh words refuse to delete
I'm ashamed of who I became.

No one knows me, it seems;
This includes myself.
I don't hold myself in high esteem,
But lock myself up in a cell.
The tears fall in a stream,
Though no one can ever tell.
I'm living in a dark color scheme
Which some refer to as Hell.

Some might call me bizarre--
Yes, some might call me that.
And some observe me from afar--
It most surely is a fact.
A few venture to call me a star--
But this statement I combat.
It is my name that I contest--
I let the rest fall flat.
 
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paroxysm, I'm going to be very honest with you. You are, I think you said 15 years old? I am 19 now but when I was 15 , well you sound just like I did. I hated life, I wrote dark poetry, I cut myself, I was very tired and missed a lot of school, I was up all night crying to my mother "help me..." even though neither of us knew what I was asking for help with. To sum it all up I was depressed. It was hard, very hard, life is hard. I got put on zoloft and it helped me some and I went to a psychologist and that helped some, but I also had to learn to help myself. I had to condition my mind and force myself to emerge from that dark place. I know that all the antidepressant commercials say depression isn't something you can just snap out of and that's true. But you also can't come out of depression until you make the decision that you are going to try to. Now, deciding to gain control of your weight is a wonderful thing, but until you have control of your mind and make yourself believe you can do it, it's not going to work. I urge you to take control right now and then the rest will follow. I'm sorry if I have offended you at all but it's something I felt obligated to say.
 
Heya, i read but dont post much in this one. I just noticed you linked to though (ok, so i admit im a little slow noticing haha).

Hope things are working out for you :)
 
Ughhh.

I... left.

I don't know why I'm such a failure. I can't stick to anything.

I'm going to be fat and hideous forever. Omfk, this is unbearable.
 
you want some help holding the gun?
life sucks when you kid yourself all the time eh "oh no im dieing", "my life is over because im to lazy to follow through" .. "its everyone elses fault i screwed up my own life" etc etc ad nauseum..

we've all been there done that, snap out of it
 
newmommy1 said:
paroxysm, I'm going to be very honest with you. You are, I think you said 15 years old? I am 19 now but when I was 15 , well you sound just like I did. I hated life, I wrote dark poetry, I cut myself, I was very tired and missed a lot of school, I was up all night crying to my mother "help me..." even though neither of us knew what I was asking for help with. To sum it all up I was depressed. It was hard, very hard, life is hard. I got put on zoloft and it helped me some and I went to a psychologist and that helped some, but I also had to learn to help myself. I had to condition my mind and force myself to emerge from that dark place. I know that all the antidepressant commercials say depression isn't something you can just snap out of and that's true. But you also can't come out of depression until you make the decision that you are going to try to. Now, deciding to gain control of your weight is a wonderful thing, but until you have control of your mind and make yourself believe you can do it, it's not going to work. I urge you to take control right now and then the rest will follow. I'm sorry if I have offended you at all but it's something I felt obligated to say.
Click to expand...

Brilliantly written. This could easily be the post of the year.



Convert your boo hoo's into can do's. The 'pity me' path is the easiest one to take, the hard work path is the most rewarding.
 
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