Marsia's Diary

Wow, thanks LaMa, Rob, and Cate!

LaMaria said:
You´re not alone here. Really you aren´t.
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This helps so much because I often picture everyone but me as having their life together, though I read how much we all struggle at times. It's just an old image I have from childhood, and it's good to be reminded this isn't right.

bensanon said:
I struggle with social anxiety and anxiety in general. I find exercise helps a lot. It's not a simple thing for me by any means. It has been truly debilitating and affected all areas of my life. I used to take medication for it but that didn't end well. If you'd like to share, I'm interested in hearing what things you're trying. I have read a few of your later posts but I have not read them all.
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So sorry you are cursed with this, too. I had joined a social anxiety support forum online, but there was so much depression and sense of helplessness in that forum that I had to eventually quit it. I felt close to some of the people in there, but the people who were at the point of trying things that worked didn't stick around the forum after a while, only the people too scared to try things on their own - mostly people who really needed a therapist specializing in social phobias. So what I have tried: meditation - helps a ton if I remember to do it (I am extremely undisciplined and have trouble remembering to do things for myself); deep breathing and other relaxation exercises when I ruminate because I am about to do something hard socially - really helps immeasurably and I do remember to do this; reading a lot on self compassion - helps, but I am still way too hard on myself; exercise - yes, does help a lot, but I stink at getting regular exercise (any advice would be very appreciated!); exposure - I make sure I talk to people in line at grocery stores and other non-threatening places (like friendly dog walkers) if I am starting to get bad social anxiety so I don't slip into the worst states where I don't want to leave the house anymore; looking at mean people from their emotional age - for instance I was in a group of moms who were very critical of people who deviated from the group norm and they were very junior high school mean, which helps me see that they are insecure in their identity and that I don't need to see them as a real threat - this helps tons; I sometimes free write and when I do it really helps calm me down and also see what is driving my anxiety - very helpful if I remember to do it. Most of my strategies work, I just need to get out of the mindset of avoiding the anxiety so I remember to do them. How about you as far as what has worked?

Cate said:
Anxiety is awful & I suffer from it too. Most people don't know as I appear confident (I think). Dealing with it, talking about it & getting such good support from J is such a good thing.
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You appear really confident, so I'd never know! I think you are doing amazing with your son. That would make me anxious, too! Thanks for all the support - I love the xo's from you!

So had a really good game night but did snack a lot. We played cooperative games all night, which I love, and we won one that no one from the group has ever won before. It was a tower building game with tons of strategy, and we built this amazing looking tower that used all sorts of swirly floors and pillars that was so well made, it was 5 floors high and didn't fall down. I made try-tip steak, cauliflower mashed "potatoes" with garlic, and pesto stuffed portobello mushrooms. Today our old electrician who I really like talking with is working on our septic pump - our electric is still dicey in places and you can't figure out how anything connects or where the breaker is for stuff, so I get to dig a trench for the new electric to the pump today. I will be so happy when the house no longer has ancient electrical anywhere!
 
Game night sounds like it was lots of fun. The tower building game sounds like something I would enjoy. I think I got a job because of a team card house building game once. It was for a big travel company & the manager of the company came in & watched. I think there were 5 in our team & we had finished building our house & still had lots more time. I suggested we build a garden shed, which we did. Then I thought we'll add a dog kennel which we did. Most of the other teams had things falling down & I looked across & saw this woman smiling at me & it felt like she was sizing me up. I didn't know she was the boss or I may have been nervous & messed it up. It was fun.
You are always welcome to my support, Marsia. It helps to remember that we all have more in common than we have differences. You are also welcome to lots of these, xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo :)
 
Marsia said:
Wow, thanks LaMa, Rob, and Cate!
So sorry you are cursed with this, too. I had joined a social anxiety support forum online, but there was so much depression and sense of helplessness in that forum that I had to eventually quit it. I felt close to some of the people in there, but the people who were at the point of trying things that worked didn't stick around the forum after a while, only the people too scared to try things on their own - mostly people who really needed a therapist specializing in social phobias. So what I have tried: meditation - helps a ton if I remember to do it (I am extremely undisciplined and have trouble remembering to do things for myself); deep breathing and other relaxation exercises when I ruminate because I am about to do something hard socially - really helps immeasurably and I do remember to do this; reading a lot on self compassion - helps, but I am still way too hard on myself; exercise - yes, does help a lot, but I stink at getting regular exercise (any advice would be very appreciated!); exposure - I make sure I talk to people in line at grocery stores and other non-threatening places (like friendly dog walkers) if I am starting to get bad social anxiety so I don't slip into the worst states where I don't want to leave the house anymore; looking at mean people from their emotional age - for instance I was in a group of moms who were very critical of people who deviated from the group norm and they were very junior high school mean, which helps me see that they are insecure in their identity and that I don't need to see them as a real threat - this helps tons; I sometimes free write and when I do it really helps calm me down and also see what is driving my anxiety - very helpful if I remember to do it. Most of my strategies work, I just need to get out of the mindset of avoiding the anxiety so I remember to do them. How about you as far as what has worked?
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Thanks for sharing, Marsia. I just recently started using online forums and realize there’s one for just about everything. I’ve had to develop quite a filter and remind myself what I’m reading is skewed toward the negative.

I find deep (belly) breathing really helpful too when experiencing the anxiety but unlike you, I often forget to do it in the moment. Shallow breathing and spiraled thinking became so automatic it’s been hard to develop the awareness now but I’m making progress.

Re exercise I would just make sure it’s something you enjoy and is not a chore. Could be any activity too like gardening or just walking the dog for example.

Have you been housebound before? I find exposure helps too but I’m not sure it reinforces behavior change for me. I do it but my tendency is to want to be alone. I’m able to enjoy life more and stop focusing on myself like I do when I’m out. Although I have to say as I’ve been losing weight, I’m starting to want to be around others more. It’s directly tied to my health. Unfortunately it’s one of the last changes to come about to bring on that change. I’ve done so much work on myself for so long alone that now I’m just getting ready to get out more? Doesn’t seem right. I wish it was the other way around.

Do you find you’re a very sensitive person? Emotionally but also to physical stressors in the environment? When I lived in Boston, I got involved with an HSP group. I related so much to a lot of the other people there.

That is interesting about looking at people from their emotional age. I like that and I have done similarly but sometimes don’t even have energy to do that and carry on with what’s happening. It can be so draining.

I try to meditate but it’s also just taking really good care of my health. Self-care and grooming, rest, low stress environment. And now talking to others more online helps.
 
bensanon said:
I find deep (belly) breathing really helpful too when experiencing the anxiety but unlike you, I often forget to do it in the moment. Shallow breathing and spiraled thinking became so automatic it’s been hard to develop the awareness now but I’m making progress.

Re exercise I would just make sure it’s something you enjoy and is not a chore. Could be any activity too like gardening or just walking the dog for example.

Have you been housebound before? I find exposure helps too but I’m not sure it reinforces behavior change for me. I do it but my tendency is to want to be alone. I’m able to enjoy life more and stop focusing on myself like I do when I’m out. Although I have to say as I’ve been losing weight, I’m starting to want to be around others more. It’s directly tied to my health. Unfortunately it’s one of the last changes to come about to bring on that change. I’ve done so much work on myself for so long alone that now I’m just getting ready to get out more? Doesn’t seem right. I wish it was the other way around.

Do you find you’re a very sensitive person? Emotionally but also to physical stressors in the environment? When I lived in Boston, I got involved with an HSP group. I related so much to a lot of the other people there.

That is interesting about looking at people from their emotional age. I like that and I have done similarly but sometimes don’t even have energy to do that and carry on with what’s happening. It can be so draining.

I try to meditate but it’s also just taking really good care of my health. Self-care and grooming, rest, low stress environment. And now talking to others more online helps.
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Thanks so, so much for writing back. It really helps writing to other people with SA who understand! I agree, I am going to use gardening as my primary form of exercise and just augment when I need to, because it is a fantastic workout and I love doing it! Thanks for reinforcing that!!

With deep belly breathing, I am practicing doing it when I am not in the stressful moment first. I can sometimes remember to do it in the moment of stressfulness but not usually in overwhelming ones. But practicing when I am psyching myself out about something that might happen later really helps and I do think it transfers more and more to remembering to do it when an actual stressor comes along. I need to set my alarm early to meditate or I just don't do it. Since I am starting an online calorie counter again today, I will probably be in a more disciplined period. I find I need some type of support to go ahead and do things for myself. The calorie counter helps me be more accountable to myself and then it gets me enthused to do other healthy things as well.

I took a highly sensitive test (met the woman who wrote that book in my grad school program) and I am highly sensitive, but I don't remember what that meant for how to take better care of myself. A group for that sounds really good. What did you find you got out of going to yours? I think in general I try to ignore that I have strong reactions to certain situations and try to push through the reactions. Sometimes that works, and sometimes that backfires. It would be good if I slowed the whole process down and just honored what my strengths and weaknesses are. I think being sensitive has so many benefits which I rarely acknowledge because I am trying to be normal (whatever that is!)

I haven't been housebound, but I've had periods where I only go out when I have to grocery shop and things like that, and I don't talk to anyone when I am out. I was married to a passive aggressive artist who was also very introverted and also probably had SA, and wasted about 13 years not really interacting with the outside world that much except in my job at a library and grad school. Looking back it was like I was in a time warp and those years just slipped by in a few long and uneventful months.

One big thing that I learned in my studies of anxiety is that if you resist something it persists. If you are focused on something not occurring, you filter the world through that lens of the thing you are avoiding, so it is not only draining, but you become very sensitive to what you are trying to avoid and are always thinking about it in the back of your mind. So I am working on accepting hard things about myself and the world as ok and maybe even as things that teach me to be more mature and strong. For instance, when I am stressed, I can't remember other people's names or I call them by the wrong name. I get in a panic about this and have trouble even saying "hello" to someone because of this. So it isn't that polite, but I don't even try to say their correct name, and just walk up and start talking now. People do find it a bit odd at times, but I can explain that I am terrible at remembering names and apologize if they ask. I also focus with my whole heart and soul on making them feel comfortable and accepted, and that bypasses a lot of my anxiety. I can't do this about half the time, but I worked my way up to doing this the other half of the time, so I am pretty proud of myself. I am lucky I have had periods of my life where the SA was minimal, so I can remember how that felt and aim towards being more like in those times.

I need a lot of alone time, too. I have accepted this as a good thing - I can recharge and be with myself, because I like how I think and enjoy my own company. Someone once put it that some people don't need many people in their lives. I think I am like that. I just need a few core friends and I am happy. It's hard because my husband is a mega-extravert. The Fates probably find this funny!

Did you like living in Boston? I lived there a summer by the Berkeley School of Music, and I loved it so much! Anyway, thanks for the wonderful reply!!!

Ok, so today I am digging the rest of the ditch for the new electrical to go to the septic tank, and there used to be a driveway there, so just under the soil are huge thick pieces of broken concrete for about 8 feet of the ditch I am digging. Wish me luck!!
 
There are so many things that we have in common in here. Let's just say that I started copying parts of your last post & addressing them & then deleted it all. You do very well to find a way through your social anxiety & I think I do too. It really does help to know that others go through similar things. Having a home day to me is bliss & I am having one today as it's raining. I need probably 2 home days to every social one to regain my balance. No golfing women today :)
Wow. What a workout you are going to get!
 
Coming in late to say that you're certainly not alone in having to deal with social anxieties, and not feeling confident - I think most people are less confident than they appear. Also, I think your way of dealing with forgetting names is absolutely spot-on - to...
Marsia said:
just walk up and start talking now.... also focus with my whole heart and soul on making them feel comfortable and accepted
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I think that is so lovely!
Wishing you luck with the ditch-digging! :)
 
I think we all suffer anxiety to some degree, its part of the human makeup (sociopaths may be the exception). One thing I have observed is that you don't seem to let your anxieties keep you from posting here, that is a good thing. Your problems with your mother are completely understandable, and it seems to me that you are dealing with them in a reasonable way. Anyway I am not very wise on things like this, but for what its worth you seem pretty normal and well adjusted from here. You sound like you are dealing with the problems you have better than most.

I also like doing yard work, it is probably my most significant source of exercise. However I have a tractor to dig ditches with.
 
Thank you, thank you, Amy, Cate, and Rob!! It's nice to be in good company, and thank you for making me feel normal and cared about!!

Rob, I have tractor envy! J helped and we dug down and uncovered the big pieces of broken concrete. One row of them was possible to move and dig a ditch under. But there was compacted gravel and then red thick clay, so we worked all day and didn't finish. I am totally beat. But the trench has lots of water in it now to soften it up all night so we can get the rest dug out tomorrow.

I started counting calories today and did really well. Ate about 1,370 calories/90 carbs, and did well with IF. It's really good to keep track again. I am tremendously sore, so hope the digging goes ok tomorrow. Have to take my mom to the doctor in the morning so will get a nice long break. I got a bunch of nice bamboo roots in pots now from digging out the ditch by the bamboo, so will have happy new plants soon. Happy J and I bonded over yard work, and happy to have such a good exercise day! Here's to another tomorrow!!
 
I'm glad the septic tank saga has ended. You must be exhausted!
First time mopping the floors, J? Wow. Things are changing for the better, hon xoxo
 
People here often go to to Hungary for dental work and I´ve never heard anything negative but I can understand your unease with the idea. ESPECIALLY given that you´d have to come along. Do you really think your mom would be willing and able to plan that trip on her own if you didn´t do it for her?
 
That's shocking that your Mum's doctor would have suggested that to her. I hope she decides to have the work done locally, Marsia. That would be a daunting trip either way.
Try to put it out of your thoughts if you can, hon xoxo
 
Marsia said:
Thanks so, so much for writing back. It really helps writing to other people with SA who understand! I agree, I am going to use gardening as my primary form of exercise and just augment when I need to, because it is a fantastic workout and I love doing it! Thanks for reinforcing that!!

With deep belly breathing, I am practicing doing it when I am not in the stressful moment first. I can sometimes remember to do it in the moment of stressfulness but not usually in overwhelming ones. But practicing when I am psyching myself out about something that might happen later really helps and I do think it transfers more and more to remembering to do it when an actual stressor comes along. I need to set my alarm early to meditate or I just don't do it. Since I am starting an online calorie counter again today, I will probably be in a more disciplined period. I find I need some type of support to go ahead and do things for myself. The calorie counter helps me be more accountable to myself and then it gets me enthused to do other healthy things as well.

I took a highly sensitive test (met the woman who wrote that book in my grad school program) and I am highly sensitive, but I don't remember what that meant for how to take better care of myself. A group for that sounds really good. What did you find you got out of going to yours? I think in general I try to ignore that I have strong reactions to certain situations and try to push through the reactions. Sometimes that works, and sometimes that backfires. It would be good if I slowed the whole process down and just honored what my strengths and weaknesses are. I think being sensitive has so many benefits which I rarely acknowledge because I am trying to be normal (whatever that is!)

I haven't been housebound, but I've had periods where I only go out when I have to grocery shop and things like that, and I don't talk to anyone when I am out. I was married to a passive aggressive artist who was also very introverted and also probably had SA, and wasted about 13 years not really interacting with the outside world that much except in my job at a library and grad school. Looking back it was like I was in a time warp and those years just slipped by in a few long and uneventful months.

One big thing that I learned in my studies of anxiety is that if you resist something it persists. If you are focused on something not occurring, you filter the world through that lens of the thing you are avoiding, so it is not only draining, but you become very sensitive to what you are trying to avoid and are always thinking about it in the back of your mind. So I am working on accepting hard things about myself and the world as ok and maybe even as things that teach me to be more mature and strong. For instance, when I am stressed, I can't remember other people's names or I call them by the wrong name. I get in a panic about this and have trouble even saying "hello" to someone because of this. So it isn't that polite, but I don't even try to say their correct name, and just walk up and start talking now. People do find it a bit odd at times, but I can explain that I am terrible at remembering names and apologize if they ask. I also focus with my whole heart and soul on making them feel comfortable and accepted, and that bypasses a lot of my anxiety. I can't do this about half the time, but I worked my way up to doing this the other half of the time, so I am pretty proud of myself. I am lucky I have had periods of my life where the SA was minimal, so I can remember how that felt and aim towards being more like in those times.

I need a lot of alone time, too. I have accepted this as a good thing - I can recharge and be with myself, because I like how I think and enjoy my own company. Someone once put it that some people don't need many people in their lives. I think I am like that. I just need a few core friends and I am happy. It's hard because my husband is a mega-extravert. The Fates probably find this funny!

Did you like living in Boston? I lived there a summer by the Berkeley School of Music, and I loved it so much! Anyway, thanks for the wonderful reply!!!

Ok, so today I am digging the rest of the ditch for the new electrical to go to the septic tank, and there used to be a driveway there, so just under the soil are huge thick pieces of broken concrete for about 8 feet of the ditch I am digging. Wish me luck!!
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Do you ever feel you have a need to meditate? I often feel a little bottled up and need to disentangle my thoughts or more like, realize them for what they are.

I could just relate to the experiences HSPs shared - frustrations at work or home life e.g. and interest in exploring different psychology or self-help concepts. It was specifically for HSPs and there was a book club as part of it. Boston was great.

Re not formally greeting other people, is it that you're not giving yourself the opportunity to not remember their name? And similarly, how does focusing on their comfort help your anxiety?
 
Marsia said:
I am getting back to low goal weight again which makes me really happy - lost 2 pounds in 3 days from digging, doing IF, and calorie counting - only 5 pounds to go for the old low weight, and 17 to go in all.
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That's great! And it looks like that ditch digging paid off in more ways than just a working septic tank.

You have my respect, not many people take on doing their own septic tank digging and work. Were you replacing a drain field? Or something bigger? Most of my life I have lived with septic tanks, its sure good to be on a city sewer here, makes you appreciate it.

Best of luck with your mother seems like you are getting it figured out. The dental thing sounds major, no matter where its done.
 
Thanks Cate and Rob! Yes, the digging was really good and I can feel that I have more of a waistline. Gardening is really great - you get great exercise and nice things done in the garden, too, or at least productive things in this case.

What happened is that when we moved in we replaced the septic tank to my mom's house and refurbished the one to ours, but they didn't put a filter on it, so solids were being pumped uphill to the leach field, and that strained the pump and broke it recently. Also we did a lot of remodeling to the rest of the house and now we can't find the breakers to the septic pump or to the alarm that tells you if something is wrong with the pump. Our electrician who wired almost all of the remodel looked and looked, and the only breakers that might be it were on a very old fuse box in my mom's house that needs replacing anyway. So we dug a new ditch to some outdoor wiring that was being saved for landscape lighting. We figure having a working septic tank will be even nicer than outdoor lighting. The exciting world of remodeling...

With the dental for my mom, we need to wait because she is getting cataract surgery on both eyes first. But the doctor really wants her to get her teeth pulled soon. So lots and lots of doctor and dentist visits. Makes me really want to take good care of my body so I don't end up needing to replace so many parts!!!

Went to open mike night and my daughter performed on guitar and ukulele and got invited to a music festival to perform in August. We also took a little hike in a nice land trust with all sorts of happy wood sculptures of animals. Nice mellow day. Oh, and I only got in about 1,130 calories today w. 35 grams of carbs.
 
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My parents´ walnut tree stands on what used to be the leach pit. I´s the one tree that never suffers in a drought :)

That concert sounds amazing and your daughter must be so talented!
 
Thanks LaMa! She's a little intimidated. The concert she is invited to play at is celebrating the 50th anniversary of Woodstock and her back up band is the band of this phenomenal guitarist. So she will be super motivated to practice so she can do well for them.

That's funny because our walnut tree is by the septic and it is really doing well. I wondered why because I hardly remember to water there.

We had the pianist from my daughter's band over today to practice for band extra. We're just sitting around coding in the hammock now. I am at 900 calories and am so full. Have to get a few more calories in by the end of fasting time though. We'll probably take a quick hike in the state park by our house later and go splash around in the stream there later. The swimming hole has a little rope swing, which is really nice. You can't jump from it, but it is nice for swinging over the water. We're having such a beautiful sunny last few days. Nice when the fog lifts here!
 
What great reading! :) Gardening, and music and "sitting around coding in the hammock!"!

I don't follow about getting "a few more calories in by the end of fasting time", though. How do you run your fasts?
 
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