Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Yes those 'simple' teachings really run deep and are very interesting to work with. Working with loving-kindness and compassion with the difficult places and people in our lives is so rich and deep. I feel like within the Buddhist teachings I can just keep going deeper and deeper with it all. It has benefits at so many levels!

I have a friend I write to in England who is Buddhist and we always laugh at how the simplest teaching is usually the one we've written back and forth to each other about for the most years. It's so funny how the best truths keep giving you new wisdom over the course of your life.

Good to see you, its been a while. And congrats on the 20 lb loss, despite the situation.

I am sorry to hear that. Divorce is always stressful, having to involve lawyers makes it even more so. Take care of yourself girl!

I envy you, our peaches and plums won't be ready for a couple of weeks. We do however have an abundance of tomatoes in the garden, eat a couple every day, fresh picked.

I am sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and it will be over and past one day. Just not as soon as you'd like. Hang in there girl, you and K are going to be fine.

Wow, so good to hear from you Rob!! It's nice to be down 20 pounds - it helps to feel pretty good physically while I'm going through all this turmoil, I think. The lawyers are making things less stressful funnily enough - J almost sold our house out from under us and disappeared with all my family estate's money, and he has every single marital asset in his name only. So I hired 2 extremely wonderful lawyers who each have 25 years experience in their fields. Without them we'd be in a shelter with no money. It's been a really dramatic 3 months, but it is calming down, and it looks like we will be ok. It already does feel like we're a lot freer, but I can't wait until we have our own little house somewhere (with any luck!). The peaches and tomatoes were so scrumptious this year especially. I hope they are, too, where you are!

Being able to have as peaceful a relationship as possible while you work your way through this will be so much better for you & K. You will get through this, even stronger than you are now/

It feels like time for me to get back into reading more about Buddhist teaching.

You are well & truly getting stuff done & looking forward!

Thanks Cate! I was feeling a little torn as to why I am being nice to J at all, but I just can't handle anymore meanness and conflict. I have got to feel like I can reward the good part of J even if that part is really buried and I never truly have a real relationship with that part of him. It just helps so much to try my best and leave the rest to fate. At the same time, I do need to be on constant guard for anything that he might pull, but thank goodness there isn't a lot of contact with him. K and I went to a nice Buddhist talk the other day together, and she really liked it because it wasn't just on philosophy, it really helped for what to do day to day in your life. I like how much practical Buddhist writing there is like this now, too. I do feel like we've gained some traction in a bunch of areas in our lives. That is a relief because the days where I was trying to get K up and doing school which was a constant struggle all day where so hard and I worried we'd be stuck doing that a long while. Phew!

Today was mostly about doing homework (K modified a computer program all day and got some fun stuff done for making her own computer game) and I was getting the stuff done for the lawyer, which I just finished. We'll do some yoga tonight and turn in early. I still feel like a ton of bricks and kept falling asleep sitting up in my chair this morning. K's boyfriend comes back from summer school in a few days, so I need to get her a little ahead on school. I need more exercise and fresh air, so will figure out something nice to do tomorrow.

 

[alligatorob]

Wow, so good to hear from you Rob!!

Not so good as it is for me to hear from you again! Hang in there girl, sounds like you are making it work for you... despite the circumstances.

 

[Llama]

Sometimes being nice to people is something you do for yourself, not them. And that's ok.
It'll be good to have K's boyfriend back so you can do some things on your own again. I'm sure it's nice to have so much time together but it does sound exhausting as well.

 

[liza3]

. K and I went to a nice Buddhist talk the other day together, and she really liked it because it wasn't just on philosophy, it really helped for what to do day to day in your life. I like how much practical Buddhist writing there is like this now, too.

I find the best talks are the ones that can be applied to life and most talks are exactly that. There are lots of excellent talks on line and I listen regularly to them. Such a good variety of teachers too.
I find it super helpful when I have a group I can go to as well where we can meditate and discuss the teachings together. I have one group like that where we are all different beliefs and backgrounds. It's excellent! We've been meeting together for years now.

It's nice that you and K seem to have so much in common and get along so well!

 

[Emilyrose]

I went through so many feelings today and am so happy to just let all of my thoughts about the day go and just appreciate being in bed in our nice house.

I always try to appreciate how safe and snuggly I am in my bed when I am going through a tough time. It helps me get to sleep faster as well!

You are doing great, Marsia. x

 

[Cate]

I can see that you are feeling stronger, M. I have limited internet data so can't watch much online, but can you recommend a go to book On Buddhism that you look at regularly? I'll do a library search but I love having a personal recommendation xo

 

[Marsia]

Not so good as it is for me to hear from you again! Hang in there girl, sounds like you are making it work for you... despite the circumstances.

Thanks Rob, that's very sweet! It's kind of amazing that things are working out, and I feel very grateful for a bunch of synchronicities and people who went out of their way to help us.

Sometimes being nice to people is something you do for yourself, not them. And that's ok.
It'll be good to have K's boyfriend back so you can do some things on your own again. I'm sure it's nice to have so much time together but it does sound exhausting as well.

Thanks Llama, I really like this and keep reading it to myself! It will be really good to have a lot of time to myself to pack and organize and get some momentum going, and K will love hanging out with her boyfriend, so it's going to be a really good couple of weeks, I agree!

I find the best talks are the ones that can be applied to life and most talks are exactly that. There are lots of excellent talks on line and I listen regularly to them. Such a good variety of teachers too.
I find it super helpful when I have a group I can go to as well where we can meditate and discuss the teachings together. I have one group like that where we are all different beliefs and backgrounds. It's excellent! We've been meeting together for years now.

It's nice that you and K seem to have so much in common and get along so well!

That would be wonderful having a group of people who discuss teachings from all the different faiths and perspectives. The family who let us camp at their farm were very Christian and I had the best talks with them about religion, but I felt shy saying that I am Buddhist, and just relied on my memory of Christianity from when I attended church as a teen. I actually like how much Buddhism and esoteric Christianity overlap.

It's wonderful having a kid who likes a lot of the same things as I do. I am going to miss her so much when she goes away to college!

I always try to appreciate how safe and snuggly I am in my bed when I am going through a tough time. It helps me get to sleep faster as well!

You are doing great, Marsia. x

Thanks Em! I am really appreciating the little things lately, especially after nearly losing most of my possessions and money and house. I feel really grateful for things like a kitchen stocked with staples and all the dishes from my family, ... It is kind of amazing how much there is to appreciate in life now that I saw what it would be like not to have all these nice things. The bed is probably one of the best possessions though. I really love sleeping on a good mattress in the cool again!!

I can see that you are feeling stronger, M. I have limited internet data so can't watch much online, but can you recommend a go to book On Buddhism that you look at regularly? I'll do a library search but I love having a personal recommendation xo

I think you're right about me getting stronger. It feels really nice that this is happening. I mostly read Buddhist psychology books now because I always toy with going back into psychology, but the beginner books I always go back to are The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron (or any book by her), Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg (or other books by her), and anything by Jack Kornfield. They are all very kind and are great storytellers and explain hard concepts with simple stories that you remember.

Today was good. I did a little schoolwork with K and we went out to a vegan cafe and split a nice mushroom pesto quesadilla and looked at college stuff. K likes my idea I researched of studying both normal computer science and also computational media (she especially likes the idea of making educational games). So we explored that and K got happy. We went for a nice walk to our river and did some yoga and the day is gone already. I think it's because I kept falling back asleep this morning. I think it's getting better, but I am still exhausted from finally letting go of all the stress. It's 10:30 and I could go right to sleep now, but K is doing SAT test prep, so I'll try to stay up and keep her company.

 

[Cate]

"I think you're right about me getting stronger. It feels really nice that this is happening. I mostly read Buddhist psychology books now because I always toy with going back into psychology, but the beginner books I always go back to are The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron (or any book by her), Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg (or other books by her), and anything by Jack Kornfield. They are all very kind and are great storytellers and explain hard concepts with simple stories that you remember."
Thank you so much. I ordered a couple of Pema Chodron books (couldn't find that one) & one by Jack Kornfield. I had already ordered Lovingkindness: The revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg, which makes me happy to think I chose that out of hundreds of books in our library. It's on its way to me already.
I love the relationship that you have with K, but it's also nice to know that she is developing what seems like a caring relationship with her boyfriend. I hope he is kind.
Don't forget to nurture & nourish yourself, M xoxo

 

[liza3]

I also LOVE Pema Chodron. I find her especially lovely to listen to if you ever get the chance @Cate There are lots of good audio books with her speaking.

Today was good. I did a little schoolwork with K and we went out to a vegan cafe and split a nice mushroom pesto quesadilla and looked at college stuff. K likes my idea I researched of studying both normal computer science and also computational media (she especially likes the idea of making educational games). So we explored that and K got happy. We went for a nice walk to our river and did some yoga and the day is gone already. I think it's because I kept falling back asleep this morning. I think it's getting better, but I am still exhausted from finally letting go of all the stress. It's 10:30 and I could go right to sleep now, but K is doing SAT test prep, so I'll try to stay up and keep her company.

That sounds like such a nice day. I'm so glad for both of you that you are finding a beautiful rhythm to your days. Yeah I would imagine some extra fatigue would be normal after coming out of such a stressful period but sounds like you are doing all the good nurturing things.

That would be wonderful having a group of people who discuss teachings from all the different faiths and perspectives. The family who let us camp at their farm were very Christian and I had the best talks with them about religion, but I felt shy saying that I am Buddhist, and just relied on my memory of Christianity from when I attended church as a teen. I actually like how much Buddhism and esoteric Christianity overlap.

It's wonderful having a kid who likes a lot of the same things as I do. I am going to miss her so much when she goes away to college!

Yeah I can imagine you'll really miss her!

I really like having a mixed group where we are all comfortable hearing different perspectives. We are all contemplatives/meditators so we have that as a base and then, as you say, there is just so much in common amongst the traditions once you are coming from that kind of angle.

 

[Cate]

Liza said "I also LOVE Pema Chodron. I find her especially lovely to listen to if you ever get the chance @Cate There are lots of good audio books with her speaking."
I just had a quick listen to her voice online in "Unstuck" & I think I could listen to it but I would need headphones. I'll try her books first & maybe buy some DVDs later. Thank you, Liza xo

Sending you some more loving thoughts, M xoxo

 

[Marsia]

Thank you so much. I ordered a couple of Pema Chodron books (couldn't find that one) & one by Jack Kornfield. I had already ordered Lovingkindness: The revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg, which makes me happy to think I chose that out of hundreds of books in our library. It's on its way to me already.
I love the relationship that you have with K, but it's also nice to know that she is developing what seems like a caring relationship with her boyfriend. I hope he is kind.
Don't forget to nurture & nourish yourself, M xoxo

Thanks Cate! Ks boyfriend P is really kind and nurturing but also smart in a practical way and fun. I really like him and hope they stay a happy supportive couple. His mom is very controlling so he is so happy to have a girlfriend who adores him. So the relationship is mutually beneficial, and it's uncanny all the things they have in common.

I really hope you like the books. Please let me know which ones you like. If I get the time, it would be good to reread some of my favorites of theirs, too. They are all very nurturing authors, and I could use some of that now. Funny you ordered the Lovingkindness book! It's one of the first modern Buddhist books I read. I grew up reading my dad's Buddhist books from the 60s, and when I started buying my own books, these were some of the first authors I read.

Thanks for reminding me to nurture myself! I certainly need that today. I had a call with one of the lawyers, and it was supposed to be in the morning, so I prepared, and it got switched to the afternoon, so I did the call and we went over all this stuff that sounds economically complicated and all stuff where I really have to trust the process unless I want to spend a lot of money fighting J in court. It was an overwhelming call for me. This is a litigator, and she does all sorts of complex stuff financially and I have trouble following it, and she's expensive, so I try not to talk long, but I also want to understand what in the world is going on. It really makes me tense.

Then we rushed to our appointment downtown to get the data from K's old computer on to her new one. It would have been a nice relaxing trip if we hadn't been late, and it hadn't been 98 F (36.66C) where one temperature readout said 98F but feels like 121F (49.44C). We had a gift card from buying the computer and K got ear buds with the card, so that was nice. Then we went to a free museum of natural history and saw some really wonderful fossils and all sorts of dinosaur specimen I've never seen before or even knew about. Then we came home and now K is exhausted and sleeping. I am feeling so glad to have a bunch of days to have tons of manual labor packing and gardening. I need to work off the stress so bad!

I also LOVE Pema Chodron. I find her especially lovely to listen to if you ever get the chance @Cate There are lots of good audio books with her speaking.

That sounds like such a nice day. I'm so glad for both of you that you are finding a beautiful rhythm to your days. Yeah I would imagine some extra fatigue would be normal after coming out of such a stressful period but sounds like you are doing all the good nurturing things.


Yeah I can imagine you'll really miss her!

I really like having a mixed group where we are all comfortable hearing different perspectives. We are all contemplatives/meditators so we have that as a base and then, as you say, there is just so much in common amongst the traditions once you are coming from that kind of angle.

Pema Chodron is the best! I always remember her story of a famous Buddhist author coming to visit her Buddhist center, and Pema was a bit jealous. When she sees someone's bowl and utensils in the sink unwashed and not put away like they are supposed to be, she thinks they must be the fancy author's bowl and utensils. She picks them up expecting this, and of course, they are all labeled "Pema"! I always remember this story when I am feeling all put upon and wonder who left me unnecessary messes to clean up. It usually is me that did it!

I hope the nice rhythm continues now that K will be hanging out with P for a couple of weeks. I think it will do her a world of good though, even if our just-established routine needs to be started over.

Your group of contemplative people sounds so wonderful and special. I hope I can find a nice spiritual community wherever I move.

I had a weird thing today where I realized that I may get way more money than J because he owes me so much from my estate being pilfered by him, and it sent me into a shame spiral. I realized that I don't like that competitive thing of winners and losers in a divorce involving lawyers. But J forced me into having to get lawyers, and it may be his karma to lose a bunch of money to me because of all the dishonest stuff he's been doing. So this is not my fault, and I need to accept whatever outcome happens. It really isn't up to me at this point in many ways. I really need to do some yoga tonight to let go of all these types of feelings and will see if K wants to join me when she wakes up.

 

[Cate]

K's BF sounds lovely. They sound just right for one another right at this moment
Just reading about Buddhism makes me feel good. I will certainly let you know how I feel about any of the books. I feel ready to deal with my way of thinking as I am wasting too much time worrying instead of enjoying my life. It comes & goes but sometimes I get stuck in a loop. It's usually nothing that really matters.

Talking to lawyers & trying to understand the implications of every decision you need to make would be so difficult. Remembering to be especially kind to yourself through this & do the things that nurture you & your soul & body whenever & wherever you can will help you get through it stronger. Life will get better & you will be happy again. I'm sure of this xoxo

 

[Llama]

Don't feel bad about possibly getting more money than you thought: most lawsuits end in compromise so you probably won't get it all anyway and it's good to have a little wiggle room. Plus the justice system really isn't that geared toward protecting women so if you do get more money it'll probably affect support payments to even it out.

 

[liza3]

Divorces always sound so hard and a bit icky. I hope you can let go of any sense of guilt or shame around it all...
That fossil museum sounds very cool--i guess that's one big benefit of homeschooling is you get to learn all the stuff too!

 

[Emilyrose]

I mean, considering the type of man J appears to be, that's very generous of you to feel bad about getting more money in the divorce than him! You truly are a saint! Hahaha.

 

[Marsia]

K's BF sounds lovely. They sound just right for one another right at this moment
Just reading about Buddhism makes me feel good. I will certainly let you know how I feel about any of the books. I feel ready to deal with my way of thinking as I am wasting too much time worrying instead of enjoying my life. It comes & goes but sometimes I get stuck in a loop. It's usually nothing that really matters.

Talking to lawyers & trying to understand the implications of every decision you need to make would be so difficult. Remembering to be especially kind to yourself through this & do the things that nurture you & your soul & body whenever & wherever you can will help you get through it stronger. Life will get better & you will be happy again. I'm sure of this xoxo

P came over for the afternoon and for dinner (stuffed mushrooms which came out really good), which was so nice. K is glowing now! I love Buddhism. Just knowing there is a whole movement of people out there who practice lovingkindness makes me so happy!! I waste a lot of time thinking I won't be liked by people or avoiding people in case they don't like me. I just got a return email from our friend who helped us while we were in the RV, and I had thought she wasn't going to write me back because it had been a while. I waste so much time thinking things like that, and I just need to have faith in myself!

Talking with lawyers is horribly exhausting, especially the litigator who does not have patience for people who don't understand finance naturally. Thanks for all the encouragement, and I watched a really nice panel discussion today instead of having just a work day, and it was so nice doing something for myself, like you suggested.

Don't feel bad about possibly getting more money than you thought: most lawsuits end in compromise so you probably won't get it all anyway and it's good to have a little wiggle room. Plus the justice system really isn't that geared toward protecting women so if you do get more money it'll probably affect support payments to even it out.

I don't know why I got so weirded out, but I am over that now that I see J's financial statements. He had not been working the last 2+ years and has just been taking money from my estate without asking.

Divorces always sound so hard and a bit icky. I hope you can let go of any sense of guilt or shame around it all...
That fossil museum sounds very cool--i guess that's one big benefit of homeschooling is you get to learn all the stuff too!

Thanks Liza! Yes, divorce is super icky. We aren't doing science this year, but I like being able to go see fun exhibits whenever we like.

I mean, considering the type of man J appears to be, that's very generous of you to feel bad about getting more money in the divorce than him! You truly are a saint! Hahaha.

Ha, thanks Em! Not a saint, I just hate competitive games, and it appears I am stuck in one. I get really stressed about money stuff and really hate needing to fight over it.

Today was good. I took it easy after the weird financial news and got the house nice and ate well. I didn't have dinner, which felt really good. I've been eating too much and it's nice to skip a meal and feel a little lighter.

 

[Llama]

I don't know why I got so weirded out, but I am over that now that I see J's financial statements. He had not been working the last 2+ years and has just been taking money from my estate without asking.

Oh wow, that's awful. In that case I just hope you get as much back as possible.

 

[liza3]

That's nice to enjoy that lighter feeling when eating less. I wish i could enjoy that more instead of just wanting to get back to feeling heavy!

 

[Emilyrose]

I just got a return email from our friend who helped us while we were in the RV, and I had thought she wasn't going to write me back because it had been a while. I waste so much time thinking things like that, and I just need to have faith in myself!

I do this too. It really is a waste of time and energy. 'Go with the flow of life' is what I try to tell myself when I start worrying about this person or that person.

Agreed that it is nice to skip a meal from time to time and feel that rumble of hunger. Your breakfast in the morning should taste really good.

 

[Cate]

"I waste a lot of time thinking I won't be liked by people or avoiding people in case they don't like me."
" I waste so much time thinking things like that, and I just need to have faith in myself!"
I could have said this.
There is so much good in life & worrying helps no one, especially ourselves. I'm glad you are finding some time & energy to look after yourself. You have helped build the foundations of a fine young woman with K & she knows that she is well loved by you. It's lovely that she also now has P, who sounds sweet. Keep looking after yourself, M. You are as important as anyone else on this planet. I am going to make you a heart soon, when I find just the right pattern. I will know when I see it.