Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

Cate, I hope you really like the lovingkindness books! It is really nice not to be in crisis mode and to be thinking of how to have a happy life again. It's also really lovely that it's getting cooler here. Our walk last afternoon by the marshes was so beautiful and we were able to sit at our bench overlooking the marsh for a long time and talk because there was a slightly cool breeze for the first time in ages. We also walked through this country club that is on the river and it was really festive with everyone there having barbecue and watching the sunset, which was gorgeous - lots of streaming rays again and a beautiful glowing orange sunset with purple-gray clouds around it.

Thanks Liza and Em. I love the walk at our beach when it's partly cloudy and the colors in the dunes all come out. It's such a beautiful spot, and the drive there is over little bridges over rivers and marshes. And you are so right, Em, about the ocean being so calming and good for the soul.

Liza, I think I picked education as a first career choice in part so I don't feel like an empty nester. I haven't lived alone in decades, and I really need people or plants or animals I can nurture, or I feel lost. I also think I need to view doing my art as a nurturing thing. I was just looking at all the boxes of art supplies. They are from 3 people in my family and my own stash, and I really want to do what I set out to do in life, illustrate interesting ideas and interesting people's lives. I didn't do art for so long because what excites me about doing art is illustrating - showing what is special about life to me through art, and I didn't honor that, so doing art didn't feel meaningful anymore. I have this 500 pound printing press that I haven't used in years, and I need to figure out if I can move it so we can sell the house and also move it again to where I live permanently. I really want to do my art again, but haven't in so long, and moving huge amounts of stuff like that seems so expensive and so much work, yet I can't give something like my printing press away or the treasures of gorgeous art supplies from my family. This means I really really need to start doing art again.

I am also thinking of unpacking the sand tray stuff. K has never done sand tray therapy because it's been packed away her whole life, and it is really transformative - like sharing a waking dream with someone who helps you interpret the symbolism. I miss that so much, and it would do K a lot of good. She also has a friend who is going through a lot of depression, and I would like to show him this, as well, if he is open.

Did yoga and Wim Hof breathing yesterday, meditated 25 minutes the day before. Didn't do too bad with night snacking last night.

 

[liza3]

It's good you know your need to nurture and are looking at different ways you can fill that need as you and K transition to the next phase. That also sounds very good about how to make your art meaningful to you again. I am really glad I don't have a lot of stuff ever to carry around. Maybe it's because I always moved around a lot so I'm just really used to a minimalist life-style.
Your walks and time in nature sound absolutely lovely!

 

[Cate]

I really can see you in education. It seems to fit with the person I know. Maybe that could also include art. One of our nieces is an art therapist & is building that up. She also works as an art therapist in the primary hospital near her home. Having good teachers is so important & a good teacher who is artistic sounds like a win/win to me for everyone.
Your walks sound lovely & so does this!
"It is really nice not to be in crisis mode and to be thinking of how to have a happy life again. It's also really lovely that it's getting cooler here."
xoxo

 

[Marsia]

It's good you know your need to nurture and are looking at different ways you can fill that need as you and K transition to the next phase. That also sounds very good about how to make your art meaningful to you again. I am really glad I don't have a lot of stuff ever to carry around. Maybe it's because I always moved around a lot so I'm just really used to a minimalist life-style.
Your walks and time in nature sound absolutely lovely!

Thanks Liza! I wish I were minimalist. When I first moved here I was happy to only have a few boxes of stuff with me, but now that I look at all my beautiful art supplies and such, I feel like I can give up a lot of stuff, but not anywhere near what a minimalist would give away. I actually brought up a bunch of baker shelves today and started setting up the house for an estate sale, and I will try to get rid of half my stuff. I got 17 small boxes and 4 medium boxes up the stairs and unpacked most of it onto the shelves to sell today.

I really can see you in education. It seems to fit with the person I know. Maybe that could also include art. One of our nieces is an art therapist & is building that up. She also works as an art therapist in the primary hospital near her home. Having good teachers is so important & a good teacher who is artistic sounds like a win/win to me for everyone.
Your walks sound lovely & so does this!
"It is really nice not to be in crisis mode and to be thinking of how to have a happy life again. It's also really lovely that it's getting cooler here."
xoxo

Thanks Cate! I am getting really enthused about the idea of education. I wish I had become an art therapist. I have taken a lot of classes in it and really love it, but I am not licensed, and I am not the sort of person who could be a successful independent contractor without having worked in a field and knowing lots of people in it yet. So getting my teaching credential seems like a really good idea and then I don't have to try to start my own business, which would utterly intimidate me. I used to be a substitute daycare teacher and also worked as a teacher's aide in a junior high school special education classroom, and I taught English in Korea to kids for a summer.

Today was good. K got some good programming done on her own. She really wants to make her own game and not have to follow the textbook anymore, so I am giving her a lot of time to work on that, and I am getting the house packed up and stuff put out for an estate sale before the house goes on the market. She's doing really well studying for college entrance tests, and I talked to her about what she'll need when she is done with her online course which she is already half way through. She went off with P and his family this afternoon doing some weird form of golf where you are inside a building and you hit the balls out onto a field. So I just shlepped around heavy boxes and baker bookshelves for my exercise today. It was hard getting the really big heavy boxes up the stairs alone, so I got a little bit of exercise anyway. I will do some aerobic stuff tomorrow.

I didn't overeat or snack too much because I made myself a pot of mint tea from the mint from the garden which is so fresh and pungent it didn't need honey or milk in it. It feels good to go through the boxes downstairs and get rid of the obvious stuff.

 

[Cate]

I think you’ll make a great teacher! Well done being so productive, M Holding onto your art supplies & things that will bring you joy seems like a great idea. I used to hoard books, but now have a rule that if I will never want to read it again it goes.
I hope you can sell lots of stuff you don’t want or need anymore. I think it’s time I had another go at that too.

 

[liza3]

I'm sure a lot of your therapy stuff would come in handy as a teacher as well--not to be a therapist to the kids or anything, but just to have a good understanding of mental health issues that kids of all ages can be going through and how to support them through that in your role as a teacher.
Nothing wrong at all not being a minimalist--sometimes I think it would be beautiful to have a big house full of beauty that people could all come over and share in and enjoy. One of my favorite houses to go to as a kid was my aunt's house as she always had the strangest and most interesting displays around of odd things she had picked up at second hand shops and stuff. I always felt like it was a very interesting sort of gallery. Probably a lot of my minimalist lifestyle really came about just out of necessity.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza and Cate! I think you are right about psychology being really helpful for working with kids, and probably for interacting with parents, too. I am feeling really good about this choice. My books are mostly art books and books I read again and again, but there are just way too many. I am looking at the best places to sell my books online and hopefully have some time to sell some before the estate sale. I like the description of your aunt's house, Liza - that sounds wonderful!! I haven't gotten to put my stuff out in years because J was minimalist, so the next house is going to have a happy explosion of colorful antiques and family paintings!

Our peaches were becoming funky looking, so I made a peach crumble for P and K and did have some, too. It is delicious with fresh peaches. I didn't get as much accomplished today, but feel like I am on a good trajectory and that probably a day to give my back a rest from hauling the heavier boxes up the stairs is good. I looked at financial aid stuff today and we went out to study, but it was mostly a restful day. I'll see if we can have a nice night catching up on reading for school.

Oh, and I did a long meditation session today because it went so well. That was nice!

 

[Cate]

Your next house will be a joyful & colourful place with things that you choose to have around you. What a lovely thought xoxo

 

[liza3]

Yum to peach crumble with fresh peaches!!
Good to have a restful day--nice for you to be able to enjoy that and not feel like every day has to be a full on day of getting stuff done. Longer meditation session sounds great!

 

[Marsia]

Your next house will be a joyful & colourful place with things that you choose to have around you. What a lovely thought xoxo

I can't wait Cate!

Yum to peach crumble with fresh peaches!!
Good to have a restful day--nice for you to be able to enjoy that and not feel like every day has to be a full on day of getting stuff done. Longer meditation session sounds great!

It was good to rest and I'm glad I did because my back is thanking me today. The meditation has been so nice yesterday and today. It's like being given a land where everything is covered in soft cotton flowers and is extra welcoming.

Today I did some estate related paperwork and we went to the post office and library and got nice videos. Then we came home and did a really good yoga video for hips and lower back and that got my back way happier. My hips popped into position a lot during the stretches and now my upper body is jealous of my lower body!

There is this money that was from one of my mom's retirement accounts that I did manage to inherit and that before this whole mess I lent to J and that I asked for back yesterday when I saw that he declared this money as mine in some paperwork. Now his lawyer is accusing me of not declaring the account that this money is from (J's account) on my financial declaration. I just found out he actually has the money for me and miraculously did not spend it. I think he is trying to butter me up because he doesn't want to show his financial paperwork. But this backfired because I had to combat a nasty email from his lawyer today asking about how many other accounts am I hiding. So yoga was a blessing and I am happy that I have good lawyers who will nicely tell her to go jump in a lake.

The sky is really pretty muted shades of big purplish-pink clouds with dark gray underbellies that look just like massive cotton balls floating through the sky. Ate kinda bad today - peach crumble for breakfast, cheese and salad for lunch, and I made gluten free pizza for dinner. I'll try not to snack tonight. Maybe I'll go make a pot of mint tea. I am happy that this sort of upset is not upsetting me as much as it did. I am getting thicker skin and better at relaxing away the stress.

 

[liza3]

That food doesn't sound bad to me at all! (quite a nice combo of delicious and nutritious in fact!)
That is great that you are getting a thicker skin around the lawyer/divorce stuff--guess that's needed in this sort of situation for sure. And excellent you can trust your lawyers to deal with it all! Good for you with the yoga and relaxation!

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza! I can't tell what kind of strategy it was for Joe to suddenly give me the money he owes me back, but it unnerves me because he is really knowledgeable about things like making his financial statement look the most optimal for what he is trying to accomplish. So I know he did not do this out of the goodness of his heart. So thanks for the encouragement about me growing thicker skin. I can't figure out everything, so I have to just not let the process make me panic or let it stress me out too bad. It's like I am playing chess with someone half way decent at the game where I only know the basic rules, and not very well at that.

The yoga and relaxation make me especially appreciate them now that I need them so much. I won't take these practices for granted anymore, that's for sure! I guess you're right about the food not being so bad yesterday. I am gaining a little weight, but it's probably mostly because I can not lose weight while stressed.

I talked to a dear friend from college for a couple of hours on the phone last night. He is going through something similar to me at work where he is now sure his employer is embezzling, and he thinks the employer may try to frame him for the embezzlement. He is a very positive, optimistic person who is really smart at some things, but bad at finance, and I am worried for him and his family. Sometimes I wish we could all go back to college with what we know now and sit with our friends and work out how to navigate life better.

 

[Emilyrose]

HI Marsia. Regarding the finance stuff, is there someone tough and straight-talking that you can consult with? If you feel like it's a game of chess, then the best way forward is to learn how to play!! Even if that's against your nature. I'd probably be like, 'Take it all, I don't have the energy.'

I haven't gotten to put my stuff out in years because J was minimalist, so the next house is going to have a happy explosion of colorful antiques and family paintings!

Actually, I would have the energy!

 

[Cate]

Hi, M. I'm in a bit of a rush this morning & feel I should give your situation some more time. I'll say the first thing that came into my head. Get what you can from J before he goes to jail. He must know that you know that he has been (I assume & I'll be polite) fudging the books with his business & if he had any sense whatsoever he would give you what is your entitlement.
I wish I had gone to the thick skin class.
Keep up with that meditation & yoga, M. I haven't even glanced at my books yet *sigh*

 

[Marsia]

HI Marsia. Regarding the finance stuff, is there someone tough and straight-talking that you can consult with? If you feel like it's a game of chess, then the best way forward is to learn how to play!! Even if that's against your nature. I'd probably be like, 'Take it all, I don't have the energy.'

Actually, I would have the energy!

Hi Em! Yes, I talked with 2 good friends who got me to see that J is probably panicking about the mess he's in, so he's being very cooperative so he can maybe get out of this. I do feel like I am learning to play chess by being thrown into the game whether I like it or not. I am getting better at it, but it's exhausting! I agree about seeing how nice it's going to be to be free and do what I want finally, so this is worth fighting for!! Thanks!

Hi, M. I'm in a bit of a rush this morning & feel I should give your situation some more time. I'll say the first thing that came into my head. Get what you can from J before he goes to jail. He must know that you know that he has been (I assume & I'll be polite) fudging the books with his business & if he had any sense whatsoever he would give you what is your entitlement.
I wish I had gone to the thick skin class.
Keep up with that meditation & yoga, M. I haven't even glanced at my books yet *sigh*

You're right, Cate! I put the next appointments on the calendar to call and get scheduled in. I hope he has sense, because it's going to be such a mess if he is arrested. He does know that I know what is happening, but he still thinks he can charm his way to getting out of the situation. He really sees himself as great at getting his way. It's pretty astounding that he can keep acting like he's a saint after all the stuff he pulled and that he knows that I know about. It's really bizarre.

It's hard to not take this stuff personally, but I am very slowly getting better at it. I think I still don't have very thick skin compared to other people, it's just better than it used to be.

I did lots of meditation today to get my head on right again. Cate, I think you'll like the Lovingkindness book. If I remember right, it is very story oriented and not at all dense or hard to read. I hope you like it!

I will get up early tomorrow before it gets too muggy and hot and mow the lawn and hopefully do all sorts of productive things this weekend. We can travel around soon to go see schools, so I want to have a lot accomplished before then. I am getting my energy back I think!

 

[liza3]

Great to hear you are feeling your energy coming back. You are doing all the right things for that for sure.
The whole J situation sounds intense and you sound like you're handling it all super well.
Have a lovely productive weekend!

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Marsia, I continue to be impressed with how you are maneuvering through this mess. You will soon be clear of J and his problems, and I think come out of it as well as possible. Sounds like you are starting to feel like you can see some light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's still a ways out there seeing it helps.

Peach crumble sounds good! What kind of peaches do you have? Ours are just starting to ripen, the early ones, we will have ripe ones now till late September. My plan is to try and make some peach brandy with them this year. If you run out come by, I can fill you up.

Sometimes I wish we could all go back to college with what we know now and sit with our friends and work out how to navigate life better.

I have that thought from time to time, but I suspect things wouldn't work out much better. And knowing what's coming might make it all less interesting.

 

[Cate]

Hi, M. I'm impressed too with how you're handling all of this. I can see you coming through it all stronger & happier & living your life as you want to live it. You are such a trusting, open-hearted person, M. Try not to look back too much. J is (was) obviously very good at hiding his true personality. It is no reflection on you that you trusted him. You are doing a great job & K is a lucky young woman to have you as a Mum xoxo

 

[alligatorob]

It is no reflection on you that you trusted him.

Not at all, we have all made mistakes in relationships, it seems to be a part of the human experience for many. Always better to err on the side of trust, trusting people is important. I hope you don't change that about yourself, might not hurt to be a bit more careful, but I don't think you should change much.

K is a lucky young woman to have you as a Mum xoxo

Absolutely, you are a good Mama!

 

[Marsia]

Wow, thank you all for your lovely comments and support!! We didn't get up so early as I had hoped yesterday, so only got a half hour of yard work in before it became oppressively muggy. So we did a little online stuff for applying to colleges and then went to a new county park I just discovered on the map. It was a beautiful beach with a really wonderful wild part where the river meets the sea. The windswept bushes were covered in shells with holes in them that people had hung as ornaments, and some shells were painted and hung up. K took some soft clay from these funny banks of raw clay by the ocean and made a little figure which she sculpted into one of the shell bushes. We walked a really long way and were so tired on the way back. The town by the beach is one we've only explored by car, so we found parking and went to a funky, fun little grocery store that was half health food store, half tourist junk food, and we got cheap barbecue sandwiches and an unsweetened tea and sat in town and people watched. It was a sweet little sort of hippie town (probably the only one in South Carolina) with happy sculptures and signs (like a dentist sign that was a big tooth made of seashells) and murals and a lot of interesting looking people. It made us feel as if we were in CA again, and was such a nice get away day. We need to do a lot more of these!

Great to hear you are feeling your energy coming back. You are doing all the right things for that for sure.
The whole J situation sounds intense and you sound like you're handling it all super well.
Have a lovely productive weekend!

Thanks Liza! I struggle between telling J that we don't have much money so he'll help us more with the unexpected expenses and not telling him because if he thinks we're broke, he thinks we can't pay our lawyers to get him to finish the dividing of the assets. Other than that, I do feel good about how I am handling things. I also have had to pretend to be friends with J to get him to be cooperative, and this creeps me out, but it is necessary. It just is hard to not think of him as less horrible than he is when I am treating him well, so it's a bit of a confusing thing to do to myself, so meditation is really necessary for my sanity.

Hey Marsia, I continue to be impressed with how you are maneuvering through this mess. You will soon be clear of J and his problems, and I think come out of it as well as possible. Sounds like you are starting to feel like you can see some light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's still a ways out there seeing it helps.

Peach crumble sounds good! What kind of peaches do you have? Ours are just starting to ripen, the early ones, we will have ripe ones now till late September. My plan is to try and make some peach brandy with them this year. If you run out come by, I can fill you up.

I have that thought from time to time, but I suspect things wouldn't work out much better. And knowing what's coming might make it all less interesting.

Thank you Rob! It really helps hearing you talk about being clear of J soon - I hadn't thought about that much realistically, and I think this should be my motivation and way of looking at things. I was dismayed about how much I've spent on lawyers thus far and sent them an email asking if we could let Js lawyer finish his work on the estate paperwork and then we could correct it in order to save money, but afterwards I regretted sending that because I don't want my lawyers to lose momentum. I think it's better to get this over with and move on, now that I read your post and am reminded that there actually will be an end to this!

I don't know the variety of peaches we are eating, but they are local South Carolina peaches, and they are so juicy and flavorful. That's wonderful you have peaches on your property! Peach brandy sounds really good - I'll stop by if we're in the neighborhood!

I think you're right about going back and fixing things in the past - we'd just do some other thing that probably leads to similar problems. I have to keep reminding myself that problems are probably really just opportunities to mature and grow and learn from life.

Hi, M. I'm impressed too with how you're handling all of this. I can see you coming through it all stronger & happier & living your life as you want to live it. You are such a trusting, open-hearted person, M. Try not to look back too much. J is (was) obviously very good at hiding his true personality. It is no reflection on you that you trusted him. You are doing a great job & K is a lucky young woman to have you as a Mum xoxo

It's remarkable how good J is at appearing normal. I did have a lot of clues that he wasn't, but I figured everyone has their struggles in life. But now I know which sorts of cues to really pay attention to because now I know about covert narcissism and I will not make this horrible mistake again, that's for sure. Thank you for the encouragement and I do feel like I am handling this pretty well. I am so happy that K and I can restrengthen our relationship and that she'll be ok again eventually.

Not at all, we have all made mistakes in relationships, it seems to be a part of the human experience for many. Always better to err on the side of trust, trusting people is important. I hope you don't change that about yourself, might not hurt to be a bit more careful, but I don't think you should change much.

Absolutely, you are a good Mama!

The funny thing is that I have trouble trusting people and also trusting myself. I think my lack of trust in myself caused this, and now the stronger I get, the more I know I can trust myself. I am so grateful that this happened in the South. Everyone here I tell that I am getting separated, they are instantly very kind and accommodating, and I even made really good friends with the people who took us in and let us stay on their farm. So I think in a weird way this rekindled my trust in people, people who aren't crazy narcissists, that is!