Marsia's Diary

[Llama]

You and K will be ok. Looking at places that inspire you or remind you of good times will help you find your way back to who you really are and who you want to be but I agree with Cate that taking a little extra time for your decision would sound better. Your last move was such a whirlwind.

 

[Marsia]

I think with the benefit of hindsight, we can see a lot of things that we felt we ought to have done at the time. But you can only be where you are and the main thing is that you are out of it now and the future will be a lot brighter. The money thing will sort itself out. Training to be a teacher could be great!

Thanks for that. I can drive myself nuts with hindsight! I looked, and even the next state over with the good schools has a teacher training program that I could do in a year. I am really considering this!

It will take a while for you to recover from this stress, M & it would be good to go slow with your plans & do some healing. At times I have made myself sick with worry about money, but it's not worth it. If you can hang on to your RV it might be good to be able to travel around to see where you would like to stay longer term. You'll work it out though & you will be OK. Sending you & K lots and lots of love xoxo

I am starting to feel like things will work out. The money is infuriating because J spent most of my family inheritance without me knowing until this last couple of months, and now I have to fight to get some of it back. But you are right, no use stewing over what I can't change. Our RV is really nice, but it is horribly expensive to drive it gets such terrible gas mileage. I think we can take it on shorter trips once the heat dissipates, but not long-distance. Thanks for the nice encouragement and love!!

Nice to be getting a plan in place for the next phase. And good to be learning from the past and how you want to move forward on all levels.
Your plan for today sounds excellent and well-balanced!

Thanks Liza! I do feel like I am learning and starting to look forward to things. I wish I could help K do that, too. She is very hard to get out of bed, and even harder to get to do her homeschooling. I feel terrible pushing her, but I also don't want her to sleep most of the time, and I am hoping that visiting places we could live soon will help her look forward to things again.

You and K will be ok. Looking at places that inspire you or remind you of good times will help you find your way back to who you really are and who you want to be but I agree with Cate that taking a little extra time for your decision would sound better. Your last move was such a whirlwind.

I really like this idea of finding my way back to who I really am. I think you hit the nail on the head, I got pretty lost. I wish I had more time to figure out where to move, but there are impending college applications and the real estate market is looking like our house is about to depreciate, so I do need a plan, but I also don't want to panic or rush things. I also dislike the heat here, and can't wait to get out of it. And the rental market here is very expensive, so I don't think we'll stay any longer than necessary.

I feel really self conscious about the psychology stuff that I find interesting. I am bad at writing about it, and I sound so unsupportive, and I feel really sorry. I am such a mess lately, and I apologize for putting my foot in my mouth now and also in the past. That is part of my social anxiety - not feeling that I will be understood, so not trying hard enough and coming off as rude or know-it-all. I have struggled with this a long time.

Today I really struggled to get K back on track with school. We missed a few days because we both felt overwhelmed. I did get her to do a minimal amount of each subject. Yesterday was very good. I did a lot of paperwork for my lawyer so she didn't have to, and that saved money. I just paid both of them and it was awful how much I am spending, but necessary. K spent the day with a friend and had a nice time, but now she is really tired. Though she loves hanging out with friends, she is depressed, so she is exhausted the day after socializing, though she had a great time doing it.

Time to clean house and get back on track. I have more energy and focus today, which is a really nice change.

 

[Emilyrose]

Is it not the summer holidays for K? When does she go to college?

Well done on doing the paperwork yourself, Marsia. Just shows how capable you are.

 

[Marsia]

With homeschooling, we can start any time, and I wanted to start early because at the end of last year, K was very depressed and it was almost impossible to get her to do her work, so now that it's blistering hot out, I thought we'd start early so we can take a bunch of cool days off and go explore colleges and places we might want to live. She goes to college next fall in 2024, but applications are due in December, and scholarship applications are due soon and we haven't visited any colleges or done the college entrance tests or anything yet. There is so much to do and K is not good at filling out forms or any of this stuff on a good day. So I am getting the process started because we may have to move and all sorts of other unknowns this year.

Thanks, I feel good about how much financial stuff I have been figuring out lately.

 

[Cate]

"I am starting to feel like things will work out."
"I really like this idea of finding my way back to who I really am."
"Thanks, I feel good about how much financial stuff I have been figuring out lately."
You will find your way back, M & it will be to a place of your choosing. You are so strong, Never forget that xoxo

 

[liza3]

I really like this idea of finding my way back to who I really am. I think you hit the nail on the head, I got pretty lost. I wish I had more time to figure out where to move, but there are impending college applications and the real estate market is looking like our house is about to depreciate, so I do need a plan, but I also don't want to panic or rush things. I also dislike the heat here, and can't wait to get out of it. And the rental market here is very expensive, so I don't think we'll stay any longer than necessary.

I feel really self conscious about the psychology stuff that I find interesting. I am bad at writing about it, and I sound so unsupportive, and I feel really sorry. I am such a mess lately, and I apologize for putting my foot in my mouth now and also in the past. That is part of my social anxiety - not feeling that I will be understood, so not trying hard enough and coming off as rude or know-it-all. I have struggled with this a long time.


Time to clean house and get back on track. I have more energy and focus today, which is a really nice change.

I don't blame you wanting to get out of the heat! I never do well in super hot/humid conditions--so exhausting!

I would say you never sound unsupportive on here. You always sound like someone who takes a lot of thought and care in your responses. Your caring nature probably fuels a bit of that worry about being taken the wrong way...

Energy and focus always a welcome!

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Cate and Liza!! I'm really glad I'm not annoying or unsupportive. That is what the social anxiety worries usually are about. I do feel pretty strong, though it feels so weird how much there is to figure out and get past. I am not used to having to deal with so many problems at once, though it makes me slow down and just do what I can do and try not to stress too much about the rest. I guess everyone goes through intense times like this as some point in their lives.

I had to take our kitty to get euthanized yesterday. She had cancer and was starting to suffer and was wobbly and so thin. She was 13 and a huge part of the family. I really miss her and keep expecting her to be here. She had this contagiously happy, light, full of the devil personality, and if cats could laugh, she would have been laughing so much of the time. She liked to poke her head into my hair so that one strand would be in the middle of her forehead, and she would look so happy with her hairstyle. She also drank your water or tea if you weren't looking and seemed to really think that was funny. And she'd smell something exaggeratedly and look at you to smell whatever it was, too. It was always the nicest smells. Mostly though she was so cuddly and just the happiest little thing. The vet was wonderful and did a lovely visit and really fussed over us. I'm taking it easy for the next few days.

The heat broke for a while because it rained so much. That was really nice. I am eating more and getting a little more exercise.

 

[Llama]

Poor kitty, but of course it's better for her suffering to end. Big hugs and you're absolutely right to take it easy for a while.

 

[liza3]

Aw sorry about needing to put your cat down. That's always so heartbreaking to lose a pet friend. Sounds like you had lots of good years together and she sounds like she was a lot of fun to have around.
I'm glad you got some rain and it's not so hot-- a nice relief I'm sure!

 

[Cate]

Oh, M Your kitty sounds adorable & such fun. I'm glad she had you & K to love her & to be with her to the end. I can still feel my little dog, Sophie as I held her to my heart as she was put to sleep. Your kitty will be with you forever, in your heart. Our local vet & staff are so compassionate & caring too & that makes such a difference.
I really wish I could give you a great big hug. I just imagined that I did

 

[Marsia]

Thanks for the hug, Cate! I did get it!! And thanks for the well-wishes Liza and Llama. I just put a bunch of pictures of our kitty in a folder I look at all the time on my desktop, my "happy pics" folder with pics of K and her boyfriend and some of my friends in it. It was so nice sorting through pictures and going down memory lane this morning to find good pictures of her! The vet is just the most wonderful place. They give you water and tea and the waiting area is full of sculptures and natural stones and beautiful branches and things. They are the sweetest people, and we were so lucky to find them to take care of our kitty.

Our garden didn't all die while we were away for 2 months amazingly. It rained so much that all the fruit trees but 1 made it, and many of the established veggies made it. I just harvested a nice beet crop with very pretty beets that were white with red swirls when you slice them. They are really good cooked up with a little pepper, rosemary, and balsamic glaze. It's so good to have real fresh garden veggies again.

I had to write an email to J about how he is ignoring how serious our situation is by planning to do things with us like go to a career coach with us when K can not be in the same location as he is or she might be put into foster care for me sticking her in danger. He is pretending we are friends and giving me advice about how to pack and what to do as if he is in charge of the move. It is going to be hard figuring out college as Ks residency will be determined by where J lives because the stupid financial aid rules change next year where the non-custodial parent's address is used to determine the student's residency if the non-custodial parent pays more financially to support the child. Just so frustrating because that means that instead of me moving with K and establishing residency, K might be facing out-of-state tuition which is generally 4x what in-state tuition is. So I am trying to negotiate this with J and he is pretending like we can all get together and figure this out as if we were still an intact family. I had to say that you can't bankrupt my family's estate and screw up my kid and expect me to act like nothing has happened and behave as if we are friends. I can not wait for this to all be over. It's maddeningly hard being professional about all this as if this were the mere dissolution of a business or something.

I think I'd better do some yoga now! We have salmon for dinner, which I am looking forward to, too. It's weird that I am feeling generally better, but when I think about J, I suddenly feel so tense, and I go back and forth between feeling happy at how I am handling things and feeling so out of sorts. I definitely need more calming exercises.

 

[Llama]

It's weird that I am feeling generally better, but when I think about J, I suddenly feel so tense, and I go back and forth between feeling happy at how I am handling things and feeling so out of sorts. I definitely need more calming exercises.

Doesn't sound weird at all if you ask me. You're grieving the relationship you thought you had, or wanted to have, and grief comes in waves.

I love the idea of having a happy album full of pictures that remind you of the good things in your life

 

[Cate]

Thanks for the hug, Cate! I did get it!!

I put my heart into that hug

It's so good to have real fresh garden veggies again.

That can be a part of your life wherever you live xo

He is pretending we are friends and giving me advice about how to pack and what to do as if he is in charge of the move.

This is bonkers & shows how controlling & delusional he is!

It's weird that I am feeling generally better, but when I think about J, I suddenly feel so tense, and I go back and forth between feeling happy at how I am handling things and feeling so out of sorts. I definitely need more calming exercises.

It doesn't sound even faintly weird to me either. I want to come over & give him a large piece of my mind & a tongue-lashing!
More hugs to you & K though. You will get through this, M xoxo

 

[Marsia]

I put my heart into that hug

That can be a part of your life wherever you live xo

This is bonkers & shows how controlling & delusional he is!

It doesn't sound even faintly weird to me either. I want to come over & give him a large piece of my mind & a tongue-lashing!
More hugs to you & K though. You will get through this, M xoxo

Thanks so much for this, Cate! It's really good getting reality checks about J - he acts like he is the rescuer after he caused the messes one would need rescuing from, and it makes us question our sanity all the time. I do feel that you can put your heart into something and even online and people can tell somehow. Thank you again for the lovely hug!

I agree with you Llama and Cate about it not being weird that I am reacting to J so strongly and that my mood is all over the place. Thanks for normalizing my wildly swinging emotions. We did a long yoga for trauma video and we both felt immensely better. And we did some strength training after that and did a second day of nice walking. The sunset was stunning, and on the other side of the sky the full moon was out and was bright orange. I wish we had our good cameras. We have also been looking through all our photos of how gorgeous the place we lived in CA was and all the good times. That helps K who for a while could not remember good things about her childhood, which was heartbreaking. She is really starting to heal.

We had a good food day with a nice salmon dinner fried simply with a parmesan garlic sprinkle. And we had a stir fry and fresh fruit salad with peaches, plums, mango, and some canned lychees thrown in. We're doing fun things in our programming class now. We just finished a unit on animated graphing, and some of it could even work in the escape game K wants to make from scratch. It's still so hard to get K moving and doing things. I have all I can do to keep our house clean, do some legal paperwork each day, get a little exercise, and get K up and doing school. I am also supposed to be packing and getting the house ready to sell and everyone wants me to get a job, but that is not happening until I feel that K is ok.

 

[Llama]

 

[Emilyrose]

It's a very difficult situation Marsia and you are coping brilliantly. Do what feels right for you and K. You know when the right time is to look for work. I feel like that would be an overwhelming thing right now.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Llama and Em! I think you're right about knowing when it's right to get back to work. In the mean time, it does feel really good to help the lawyers get the finances straightened out. I am nearly done, and feel a nice sense of accomplishment.

Yesterday we did a trauma informed yoga video for the heart area, and I was so tired half way through we stopped and went to bed which was not good for K to stop in the middle. So today we'll do it again all the way through. There is a super moon here, too, which is big and bright orange, and had dark blue-grey clouds streaming past it last night on our walk. The tide is so high, I gave K a piggy back ride to our bench where we sit to look out at the water as her shoes would have gotten drenched because the water level came past our bench.

I saved up a bunch of credit towards getting a new computer for K by selling off old devices. J wants to help get a really high powered computer with my credits and his help. I will take him up on that because I believe it will be good for K to see him helping and being non-selfish with his money (that is partially really mine). So I need to go to the computer store with him, and I also have to talk about colleges with him. These things would be ok, but I always have to be on guard because he is so good at pumping me for information in subtle ways. So this will be exhausting, but very necessary as far as planning for college.

 

[liza3]

Our garden didn't all die while we were away for 2 months amazingly. It rained so much that all the fruit trees but 1 made it, and many of the established veggies made it. I just harvested a nice beet crop with very pretty beets that were white with red swirls when you slice them. They are really good cooked up with a little pepper, rosemary, and balsamic glaze. It's so good to have real fresh garden veggies again.

How wonderful that your garden carried on and was ready for your return! I love imagining its joy in being able to offer you good food in your stressful time.

There is a super moon here, too, which is big and bright orange, and had dark blue-grey clouds streaming past it last night on our walk. The tide is so high, I gave K a piggy back ride to our bench where we sit to look out at the water as her shoes would have gotten drenched because the water level came past our bench.

That sounds like such a lovely magical walk!

I saved up a bunch of credit towards getting a new computer for K by selling off old devices. J wants to help get a really high powered computer with my credits and his help. I will take him up on that because I believe it will be good for K to see him helping and being non-selfish with his money (that is partially really mine). So I need to go to the computer store with him, and I also have to talk about colleges with him. These things would be ok, but I always have to be on guard because he is so good at pumping me for information in subtle ways. So this will be exhausting, but very necessary as far as planning for college.

Best of luck with communicating with J about computers and college without it completely draining your energy.

 

[Llama]

What Liza said. All of it

 

[Emilyrose]

I think play the game with J in terms of getting what you need out of him but if he's trying any manipulation tactics, don't let him draw you in. A firm 'Not interested' or 'No, thank you' and move right along. Easier said than done, of course. But I would take his financial help.