Marsia's Diary

[Cate]

with Liza, Llama & Em. Take what is probably yours anyway & keep him at arms length. Think of all of us & your inner warrior whenever you have to see him. If he thinks he still has some power, know that he hasn't any more xoxo

 

[Marsia]

Thanks for the encouragement and warrior energy, everyone! I reread each of your posts a couple of times to let all your advice and comments completely sink in, and I am feeling calm and happy now. The talk about colleges actually went really well. I have researched a ton and so it was very productive, and we got a few things settled, and he's even offered to pay for college visits. He actually listened to me and we had a real conversation, which was much more like he was a few years ago before he started getting so exhausted looking and bossy and weird. I really wonder if he was on something and being investigated by the state made him have to stop. Anyway, I can make plans for college visits now and have more options than I thought we'd have. J networks with lots of Silicon Valley people, so he told me about their college experiences in computer programming and also about his friends who put their kids though school for computer science. So that was actually very helpful. And I agree, I'll will take all the financial help I can get!

K and I did a nice morning yoga routine today and when K went out for a run, I found my interval training dvd that I have memorized because I used it to get the 50+ pounds of grad school weight off back in the day. It's so nice doing that video again because I am very uncoordinated, and having the movements memorized already makes me able to just concentrate on getting a good workout. I did the first half of the dvd before K got back, and we had a good day of schoolwork and talking and lots of snacking. I hope it won't show up too bad on the scale, but it was mostly good food. I can't seem to stop when eating nuts and seeds. I think I need more protein. We aren't getting a ton done each day, but K is getting better at getting up and doing things and we are getting better exercise and more school work done each day. Soon we should be back more near normal levels of activity without being completely exhausted. The aerobic exercise today was so nice!

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear you guys had a good talk. Having been on something is one option but also for most people doing things "wrong" (I can't remember if you told us what he's being investigated for) is stressful and having shit hit the fan can sometimes be a relief, even if it means facing consequences.
How lovely that you found that dvd! Having Old Faithful to work with can be so comforting.

 

[liza3]

That is great that the meeting with J went well. Will be easier on everyone if you can have good civil conversations about how to support K through her next stages in life.

I know what you mean about snacking on nuts--i have to really watch myself with almonds. Do you take any protein powder? That's the only way i can get anywhere near meeting my protein needs set by cronometer...

Nice to enjoy a good aerobic workout!

 

[Emilyrose]

It's great that K went out for a run - I think that always helps clear the mind.

Well done on meeting J and glad it went well.

 

[Cate]

Oh, M I am so glad that your talk with J went well. I just felt really emotional reading your last post. It's great that K went for a run & seems to gradually be getting better. I so want to give you a hug! I would also give that DVD a crack. What is it called?

 

[Marsia]

Oh, M I am so glad that your talk with J went well. I just felt really emotional reading your last post. It's great that K went for a run & seems to gradually be getting better. I so want to give you a hug! I would also give that DVD a crack. What is it called?

Hi Cate! Thanks, I felt emotional that things are going better now, too. It's a relief to have something that big go well! The dvd I use is ancient, but I found it on YouTube

. I like it because it's not fancy or complicated. Thanks for more hugs!!

It's great that K went out for a run - I think that always helps clear the mind.

Well done on meeting J and glad it went well.

Yes, runs really help K, and I am so glad she's starting them up again. I meet in person with J tomorrow to buy K a new computer together. Wish me luck!

That is great that the meeting with J went well. Will be easier on everyone if you can have good civil conversations about how to support K through her next stages in life.

I know what you mean about snacking on nuts--i have to really watch myself with almonds. Do you take any protein powder? That's the only way i can get anywhere near meeting my protein needs set by cronometer...

Nice to enjoy a good aerobic workout!

I am so relieved that J is stepping up to help K with college. I didn't know how we were going to do that otherwise. Almonds are so tempting, and K got this huge bag of Korean BBQ flavored almonds. They are so hard to resist!! Do you know much about protein powder? I don't know what kind to get, but I would like to try making smoothies with it. The aerobic workout is still making me feel all glory, even the next day. I am not in shape enough to do it every day, but plan to again tomorrow.

Glad to hear you guys had a good talk. Having been on something is one option but also for most people doing things "wrong" (I can't remember if you told us what he's being investigated for) is stressful and having shit hit the fan can sometimes be a relief, even if it means facing consequences.
How lovely that you found that dvd! Having Old Faithful to work with can be so comforting.

I don't want to post what J is being investigated for publicly. I can say that if we had a good police detective, J would have charges pressed against him, and social services would have helped me to get a divorce. It may be better that that didn't happen though, as J makes a lot of income and can support us while we're in this transition, so maybe it's for the best. I think you may be right that J might have gotten a wake up call and started acting sane again. I can only hope!

Old Faithful really makes me happy. You know what's funny? I used that DVD to get skinny the last time I got a divorce, too! I guess it's my lose 50 pounds and a husband DVD!

Mellow day today. Cleaned house and the social worker came over to see us. She is getting her master's and wants to be a traveling social worker, which supposedly pays really well. She's 62, and so I feel happy to know someone else going back into the workforce who is even older than me, and who is happy to be doing what she's interested in. Went to the library and got good books on writing college essays and happy DVDs to watch. Went grocery shopping and had a picnic of some nice drinks and shrimp outside of our cafe which was already closed, but it was nice picnicking and reading nice books together because it is still relatively cooler here. We got school done earlier, which makes me happy. K really is doing much better, and so am I!

 

[Cate]

I Have only just got home from lunch (with some shopping afterwards) but am glad I just had a quick look at your diary. You will survive! I love having you back here. Together we are stronger & better xoxo

 

[Llama]

Great to hear you're both doing better today. I like that the women in the thumbnail of your video actually look strong rather than just thin so I need to watch it once I get home!

 

[Cate]

Great to hear you're both doing better today. I like that the women in the thumbnail of your video actually look strong rather than just thin so I need to watch it once I get home!

& I meant to say I’ll watch that video in the morning on my laptop. Thanks, M

 

[Marsia]

Just popping in quick. Cate, if you do this video, it takes quite a few times to figure out the moves and do them with the video. K and I did some of this last night, and she did what I did when I watched it the first bunch of times. She just did similar moves while trying to figure out what they were doing, and it was fun and we laughed a lot at how hard it is to keep up with them in places at first. Anyway, I hope you like it. Ok, gotta go get ready for the day!

 

[liza3]

I am so relieved that J is stepping up to help K with college. I didn't know how we were going to do that otherwise. Almonds are so tempting, and K got this huge bag of Korean BBQ flavored almonds. They are so hard to resist!! Do you know much about protein powder? I don't know what kind to get, but I would like to try making smoothies with it. The aerobic workout is still making me feel all glory, even the next day. I am not in shape enough to do it every day, but plan to again tomorrow.

I don't know much at all about protein powder but I went with Vega Protein and Greens. I like that it's vegan and I like that it includes greens. I also just find it easy to drink with plain water which is important to me as I won't be bothered to make smoothies. It's just a quick and easy way for me to get a protein boost. I don't get the flavored ones--just plain unflavored/unsweetened.

That is so great to find a good old video that worked well for you in the past. Good to have one you feel confident in. I like to have some backup videos like that when I can't get out for a run in the winter so maybe I'll give that one a go once winter hits! (feels so far off right now!)

Lovely to hear things sounding a lot more positive for both you and K!

 

[Emilyrose]

Kathy Smith really can do it all, can't she? I laughed so much at the video montage at the beginning! The original influencer!

Best of luck with J tomorrow and so glad to hear you are feeling better and so is K. Lose 50 Pounds and a Husband would be a best-seller I think! xxx

 

[Marsia]

I love having you back here. Together we are stronger & better xoxo

Me, too, and I so agree with being stronger from being on the forum with you all again!!!

I don't know much at all about protein powder but I went with Vega Protein and Greens. I like that it's vegan and I like that it includes greens. I also just find it easy to drink with plain water which is important to me as I won't be bothered to make smoothies. It's just a quick and easy way for me to get a protein boost. I don't get the flavored ones--just plain unflavored/unsweetened.

That is so great to find a good old video that worked well for you in the past. Good to have one you feel confident in. I like to have some backup videos like that when I can't get out for a run in the winter so maybe I'll give that one a go once winter hits! (feels so far off right now!)

Lovely to hear things sounding a lot more positive for both you and K!

I'll look up your protein powder. It sounds nice to have a vegan brand, and I am not getting enough greens right now because it's too hot to plant greens here in the middle of the summer. Thanks for that! I can't even picture winter with how nice and cold it gets. Such a lovely idea!!

Kathy Smith really can do it all, can't she? I laughed so much at the video montage at the beginning! The original influencer!

Best of luck with J tomorrow and so glad to hear you are feeling better and so is K. Lose 50 Pounds and a Husband would be a best-seller I think! xxx

Love this!!! Today went well, but I am so tired it feels like my arms are too heavy to lift. I got a really nice computer with J for K, and he sprang for a big screen computer. Luckily with the student discount, the credits for trading in used computers and phones, and with no state income tax (something they do once a year here) the computer was 2/3rd the price of what it would have been otherwise. J was a bit challenging to talk with because he had an agenda of what he wants K to study in college and because he was testing me about K's mental health. He's pretending that it isn't his fault, and I needed to challenge that without telling him what I know because he can not know my testimony in advance if I have to testify in court if he wants to ask for child custody at any point.

I also dropped off a lot of kitchen supplies and spare groceries at J's apartment building. I am starting to divide up the possessions and wanted to give him some of the spare long-term storage food, too, as he is downtown without a car, and all the grocery stores cost a lot, and I don't want him spending all the money on expensive groceries when I have a pantry full of nice food I got to hedge inflation. It worked, too. My freezer still has a lot of meat that is almost half the price of what it is now in some cases, like with chicken. It worked out really well that I did that because now we are poor and food costs a lot, but I have a big back stock of food to eat down before we move.

I have to stop eating after 4 or 5 pm. K is really growing and wants a late meal when I am already full, and I make her such a nice late meal that I have trouble resisting eating again, too. Tonight I made fresh trout and fresh tomato salad and a fresh mango lassi. I am so, so stuffed now!

I went through so many feelings today and am so happy to just let all of my thoughts about the day go and just appreciate being in bed in our nice house. I am trying to interpret things less so I respond more to what is actually happening, and less to my interpretations which may not even be very accurate. It is helping me not have such wild mood swings!

 

[Cate]

Oh, M, you are such a kind, clever person. It must be so hard being even faintly civil to J, but you are still able to show him a little kindness. That takes real strength of character. Feeling calmer & more in control must feel so much better. Being in the moment & enjoying simple things can be so hard at any time but kudos to you appreciating being in bed in that nice house. Kudos to you for negotiating on behalf of K. You are strong & such a good person

 

[Llama]

I do imagine you need a rest after negotiating all those feelings and looking out for bear traps all day.

K would have a faster metabolism than you and be hungry a night even if done growing, right? Just based on age and circadian rhythm at that age.

 

[Marsia]

Oh, M, you are such a kind, clever person. It must be so hard being even faintly civil to J, but you are still able to show him a little kindness. That takes real strength of character. Feeling calmer & more in control must feel so much better. Being in the moment & enjoying simple things can be so hard at any time but kudos to you appreciating being in bed in that nice house. Kudos to you for negotiating on behalf of K. You are strong & such a good person

Thank you Cate, that's so nice! I started out faking being kind to J because he is so good at making me look bad when I get angry because he provokes me. But now I do feel like having as peaceful a relationship with him as I can. He is providing for us and trying to make the situation work financially now that my lawyers forced him to, and I am thankful for that. He has always had a strong provider part of his personality that is his good side. So I do want to encourage that though most of the rest of me is extremely angry and painfully traumatized by what happened. I think this is going to take years and years to heal from, but in the mean time, I want to make things as nice as I can for K and get through this where I find a way to handle all these painful and conflicting feelings.

It's a sort of trial by fire thing I think. I am really seeing the wisdom in the Buddhist concepts I knew about before, but didn't fully appreciate until now. It's interesting to see things like how you really can have compassion for someone who you absolutely do not want to be around and who makes you furious. I feel like a beginning Buddhist student who now gets some of the real meaning of the simple teachings like compassion. I actually think the simple teachings are the best - usually they are the core teachings, though they appear to not to be the deep practices that they really are.

I do imagine you need a rest after negotiating all those feelings and looking out for bear traps all day.

K would have a faster metabolism than you and be hungry a night even if done growing, right? Just based on age and circadian rhythm at that age.

I like the expression looking for bear traps. That is exactly how that felt! K has a funny metabolism. She eats like a bird for months and then suddenly wants 4 meals a day and constant snacks when she is growing. Her feet grow first and look like big puppy feet, and then her body catches up. She's petite, so doesn't need as much food, and my metabolism has slowed way, way down. I just have so much trouble cooking and not eating the meal when it's freshly cooked, but I need to do something like make an extra nice tea for myself instead of eating another meal!

Today I make it completely through all the stuff I need to do for the lawyers. Then this week I fix the car and schedule in some college visits soon! It will be so good to go exploring and for K to have a nice vision of her future to look forward to. I want to do some yard work now that it's cooler, too, and plant some beans and things in the garden.

 

[liza3]

It's a sort of trial by fire thing I think. I am really seeing the wisdom in the Buddhist concepts I knew about before, but didn't fully appreciate until now. It's interesting to see things like how you really can have compassion for someone who you absolutely do not want to be around and who makes you furious. I feel like a beginning Buddhist student who now gets some of the real meaning of the simple teachings like compassion. I actually think the simple teachings are the best - usually they are the core teachings, though they appear to not to be the deep practices that they really are.

Yes those 'simple' teachings really run deep and are very interesting to work with. Working with loving-kindness and compassion with the difficult places and people in our lives is so rich and deep. I feel like within the Buddhist teachings I can just keep going deeper and deeper with it all. It has benefits at so many levels!

 

[alligatorob]

Ok, here goes. I am going to try getting back on the forum maybe once a week.

Good to see you, its been a while. And congrats on the 20 lb loss, despite the situation.

I am going through a divorce and it has been just an awful, harrowing process.

I am sorry to hear that. Divorce is always stressful, having to involve lawyers makes it even more so. Take care of yourself girl!

We just got back from buying local plums and peaches and purple tomatoes from a farm stand we love.

I envy you, our peaches and plums won't be ready for a couple of weeks. We do however have an abundance of tomatoes in the garden, eat a couple every day, fresh picked.

I had to write an email to J about how he is ignoring how serious our situation is by planning to do things with us like go to a career coach with us when K can not be in the same location as he is or she might be put into foster care for me sticking her in danger. He is pretending we are friends and giving me advice about how to pack and what to do as if he is in charge of the move. It is going to be hard figuring out college as Ks residency will be determined by where J lives because the stupid financial aid rules change next year where the non-custodial parent's address is used to determine the student's residency if the non-custodial parent pays more financially to support the child. Just so frustrating because that means that instead of me moving with K and establishing residency, K might be facing out-of-state tuition which is generally 4x what in-state tuition is. So I am trying to negotiate this with J and he is pretending like we can all get together and figure this out as if we were still an intact family. I had to say that you can't bankrupt my family's estate and screw up my kid and expect me to act like nothing has happened and behave as if we are friends. I can not wait for this to all be over. It's maddeningly hard being professional about all this as if this were the mere dissolution of a business or something.

I am sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and it will be over and past one day. Just not as soon as you'd like. Hang in there girl, you and K are going to be fine.

 

[Cate]

Thank you Cate, that's so nice! I started out faking being kind to J because he is so good at making me look bad when I get angry because he provokes me. But now I do feel like having as peaceful a relationship with him as I can. He is providing for us and trying to make the situation work financially now that my lawyers forced him to, and I am thankful for that. He has always had a strong provider part of his personality that is his good side. So I do want to encourage that though most of the rest of me is extremely angry and painfully traumatized by what happened. I think this is going to take years and years to heal from, but in the mean time, I want to make things as nice as I can for K and get through this where I find a way to handle all these painful and conflicting feelings.

Being able to have as peaceful a relationship as possible while you work your way through this will be so much better for you & K. You will get through this, even stronger than you are now/

It's a sort of trial by fire thing I think. I am really seeing the wisdom in the Buddhist concepts I knew about before, but didn't fully appreciate until now. It's interesting to see things like how you really can have compassion for someone who you absolutely do not want to be around and who makes you furious. I feel like a beginning Buddhist student who now gets some of the real meaning of the simple teachings like compassion. I actually think the simple teachings are the best - usually they are the core teachings, though they appear to not to be the deep practices that they really are.

It feels like time for me to get back into reading more about Buddhist teaching.

Today I make it completely through all the stuff I need to do for the lawyers. Then this week I fix the car and schedule in some college visits soon! It will be so good to go exploring and for K to have a nice vision of her future to look forward to. I want to do some yard work now that it's cooler, too, and plant some beans and things in the garden.

You are well & truly getting stuff done & looking forward!