kelly's diary

Spent a good part of today writing an email to my ex, who is civil and kind to me but doesn't say much. Well, I expressed my sorrow for how things turned out, how we've grown and learned from our mistakes, and I had a cry for all my flaws. Suddenly the kids called and said they were on their way over, as if he sent them, quick.

Second day on the patch, trying hard to give up smoking, nearly breaking down today.

I don't expect reconciliation. I just wonder what he thinks of me writing. It is unusual for me to do so. I know it sounds goofy but, even if he doesn't share with me, I kinda want to share myself with him. Does that sound crazy?
 
No, it doesn't sound crazy. Love is a weird thing. You can't help how you feel about people. I still say my 1st b.f. will always hold a special place in my heart.

Anyways...you can't just act on emotion though...think it over :)

Great job not smoking!! that is so fab! I was a nurses aid for 5 yrs and its so sad what effects smoking has on you when you get old. Keep it up, it will be worth it!
 
Hey you - we've talked abt all this before - you know where I stand and how I feel and all that felt and did and wanted towards the ex...I dont know what more to say...you know you can talk to me whenever and if you still ahve my cell number feel free to call it anytime...

Raison Bran isnt gonna make ya fat :):):) LOL at least it is a good choice for ht emiddle of the night...

Im think abt the second week in July...I need to ask the boss for the time of and confirm with my parents that that is ok...
 
Moved my ticker two pounds down today as I've been maintaining 180 for a while now. Yeh.

Over the hump as far as giving up my bad smoking habits. Had two rough days.
Wearing the patch. Back to sobriety.

Need to get a bike ride in today. Or maybe I'll go swimming.
 
Hey you,
I do the same thing. I can't seem to sleep if I don't have that munch at night. I used to binge at night really badly, even things I didn't like to eat.

Last night I had a yogurt and I had a very small bowl of bland cheerios. The ones with only 2 sugars in them. It was so nice to just have the lovely skim milk ..and what not ...

and I still have lost weight. In actuality I am down to 293-294 ..but I posted 295 because I wouldn't be surprised if I gained it back by next week ...
so I am being careful not to eat too little or a lot ...

Raisin bran is NOT going to kill your diet hun, if anything your getting alot of fiber, which is something you need and raisins are awesome..
and its great you quit smoking ..with in two weeks my mother didn't need the patch ... it was awesome ...that is a bold and bright new outlook you have made for yourself .. :)

and good job on losing two pounds ..
I am totally stoked for you!:jump:

Ttylater
always
natalie jo :)
 
I absolutely feel you on the smoking. I swear I can barely tolerate driving anywhere anymore because I LOVE TO SMOKE WHILE I'M DRIVING. But then again, I love smoking period. It's wonderful that you're quitting. I had to quit probably 15 times I'd say, and I haven't smoked in months. You can do it, I hope you get in exercise today, that has helped me immensely to fight the cravings. Thanks for stopping by my diary by the way :) and great job on reaching 180!
 
I went to the pool for the first time in a long time.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET MY HEART RATE UP.

Happy hasn't been her usual self in two months and I see its going to take some time to get back to where I'm working out really hard.

I swam about twenty lengths alternating pulling with kicking but did not work hard. In the end I found myself in the kiddie pool watching the adorable babies and even fighting back a few tears.

I am in recovery and I have to remember to go slow. At least there is always the "at least I ate to lose today".

Little motivation but I'm going to put the headphones on and cook and do housework.
 
Happy hasn't been her usual self in two months and I see its going to take some time to get back to where I'm working out really hard.
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there's no deadline - so take the time you need - feeling good about yourself and like yourself is important...
 
Kelly..

I find it hard to deal with my disorders and my weight. Sometimes I get down, but hun .. I know YOU can get back up ...we both can ... I am doing pretty good .. I believe you have it in you to do all you dream .. :)

Baby steps ... take one baby step at a time. I think its great you went in a pool and did some laps. That is freaking awesome! Keep trecking and you will reach your goal .. don't get down on yourself about the little things ...everything will come together.

They had to increase my effexor finally because I was really depressed for the ...well past year... or two years ...but I didn't want my medicine changed ..but finally I told my doctor .. I am 300 pounds from my depression, from the pills I used to be on. There are so many factors to my weight...for the past three months apart of me didn't even want to lose weight, because I didn't want to be attractive..

what I am trying to say ..is .. I have been here and there and all the way back ..

Your swim was awesome. Don't put yourself down ..baby steps ...thats what I am doing ... baby steps ..

best wishes
always
natalie jo
 
Happychubette said:
I went to the pool for the first time in a long time.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET MY HEART RATE UP.

Happy hasn't been her usual self in two months and I see its going to take some time to get back to where I'm working out really hard.

I swam about twenty lengths alternating pulling with kicking but did not work hard. In the end I found myself in the kiddie pool watching the adorable babies and even fighting back a few tears.

I am in recovery and I have to remember to go slow. At least there is always the "at least I ate to lose today".

Little motivation but I'm going to put the headphones on and cook and do housework.
Click to expand...

Wow, lots of good things in this post. I'm uplifted to read this...we make each other strong ... thanks for this post, Kelly, I needed it for me, too. You are beautiful.
 
Hey Kelly! Give yourself a little credit for how far you've come, one step at a time, from where you were two months ago....You're biking, you're swimming, you're keeping your weight in check and you're watching your intake. You're cutting out the smoking, resetting your "healthy bounderies", talking with your doc about ways to eventually have a relationship unaffected by your illness, reaching out to your friends for support, being involved in your kid's lives...., and exercising discipline despite lack motivation to do the things that you know need to be done. I don't know Kelly, heart rate up or not, personally I think you're doing a pretty damn good job of taking care of you.
 
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Hi Kelly. That's great that you got out swimming -- good for you! My wife goes swimming every day and thinks of it more as meditation than exercise. Have a great weekend!
 
cym said:
Hey Kelly! Give yourself a little credit for how far you've come, one step at a time, from where you were two months ago....You're biking, you're swimming, you're keeping your weight in check and you're watching your intake. You're cutting out the smoking, resetting your "healthy bounderies", talking with your doc about ways to eventually have a relationship unaffected by your illness, reaching out to your friends for support, being involved in your kid's lives...., and exercising discipline despite lack motivation to do the things that you know need to be done. I don't know Kelly, heart rate up or not, personally I think you're doing a pretty damn good job of taking care of you.
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Wow. I just needed to read that one again.

Thanks Cym and Tomo.
 
Just reading in Cym's diary about the notion of living forever with a belly thats more on the empty side than full and thought I'd post a bit about it here.

While my belly may be telling me "there's room for more in here", I have discovered a higher taste in sticking to my allotted food. Sticking to my calories feeds me in a way that is still relatively new, six months, in fact, since I joined this forum. It is a life skill, weight management, one that should be taught in school. Well, I'm 43 and only discovering it now.

Fitday might be a bother some days but it is a small bother compared to the satisfying feeling of having "done it" - put in another good, losing day.

Instead of overeating, I am going to think about the way I care for myself, and my mood, with food. There is pleasure in that. This is one more hurdle I am getting over. I am done with the pain of too much food.
 
Happychubette said:
Just reading in Cym's diary about the notion of living forever with a belly thats more on the empty side than full and thought I'd post a bit about it here.

While my belly may be telling me "there's room for more in here", I have discovered a higher taste in sticking to my allotted food. Sticking to my calories feeds me in a way that is still relatively new, six months, in fact, since I joined this forum. It is a life skill, weight management, one that should be taught in school. Well, I'm 43 and only discovering it now.

Fitday might be a bother some days but it is a small bother compared to the satisfying feeling of having "done it" - put in another good, losing day.

Instead of overeating, I am going to think about the way I care for myself, and my mood, with food. There is pleasure in that. This is one more hurdle I am getting over. I am done with the pain of too much food.
Click to expand...

Hey Kelly I absolutely agree (I'm Sara by the way :)). This is a great post, I was sort of thinking about it today when I was walking back from the laundry room. The sun was shining, people were laying by the pool, and I was able to walk by and carry my laundry without feeling bad about myself, because of the stuff that I had binged on earlier. I used to wait until the middle of the night to do my laundry, because I felt so shitty I seriously didn't want to see anyone. This new perspective and attitude you have is very beautiful, and I'm proud that I can say I understand. I love feeling in control of my diet and therefore, in control of my life. It's super simple but very important!
 
Hey Kelly!!!! Ahhh I found your diary!!! You lost 20 LBS, KELLY THATS 20 LBS. YOU ARE 1/3 OF THE WAY THERE!!! KEEEEP GOING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU GOT MY SUPPORT!!
 
Wow Kelly, that was a truly wonderful insight...and way of expressing it! I love those little moments...the ones where you have a thought that you know represents a huge turning point.

And Sara, I don't know if it makes me sad that you used to sneak out to do laundry...or happy that you don't feel you have to anymore. At any rate, that was a super thing to share....I bet dozens of girls will read that and think "OMG, I thought I was the only one who ever felt like that!" Thank you.
 
Hey Kelly,

I'm so happy I discovered your diary - there really is so much to learn from you and your experience so far.. I'm still going through your diary but I have to say you've come a long way. You're proof of the fact that it's a constant process of change, and even if you have sad moments, or moments of weakness you will climb back up and push on, because your end goal is far more important than any feelings of negativity that may overwhelm us.

Now I understand more about you meant when you spoke of patience in my diary.

You are a focused person, and I like that. I have a lot to learn in terms of patience. Well done on sticking to your plan of giving up smoking.

I can't wait to read the rest of your diary, and your future progress (I have no doubt that you will) :)

Rhoda
 
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