kelly's diary

Oh, can I ever relate to the teens-don't-want-a-thing-to-do-with-mom syndrome! lol It's soooo important to not take this stuff personally. I still get in their faces and talk to them, even though they give me one syllable responses...sometimes I just get grunts.

An ex-neighbour once told me her 16 year old's favorite response was the phrase "bah". That's about the size of it at my house too.

Have a great Monday Kelly!
 
I ate crackers in the wee hours last night. Estimate 500 calories. Will try to save the day in spite of this. Counting it as breakfast but its not very filling.
Will drink lots of water today and try to get by like that.
 
Sorry about your son, but you're exactly right its a natural process and one that's necessary. When I took the glasses that qualified me to stand in front of 32 adolescents dripping with attitude I learned just how important this separation was for them if they were going to become fully functionin adults. I wish we could send them out into woods somewhere to hunt bears with a stone knife for a couple years and then come back when they're mature enough to be the kind of adults that make you proud of how you raised them, but it does get better (at least that's what I'm told by my former students' parents).
 
Kelly it's not you, my sons are the same way, and I thought girls were supposed to be the moody ones, NO WAY, my sons are up one day and down the next, you just never know, makes life exciting. HAHAHAH Mine turn 18 in October, so I've been there and done that 14-15 age before, just MULTIPLY it by TWO and then you have me. LOL LOL Don't sweat it sweetheart, it's a teenager thing and has nothing to do with you or the lack of love for his wonderful mom, I'm sure he wouldn't trade you for all the gold in the world, I know he wouldn't!! :jump: :) :jump: He'll come around just give him some time. Have a good rest of your evening!
Kim
 
well done on talking it out with your son.
Im dealing with the same thing from my son. Hes 15 and has been doing the hormone thing for a year or so now.
It has its ups and downs, but i think as long as you keep talking about stuff with them, and smiling with them its all good and everything will work itself out.
You are clearly a good mother if you are worried about it. A poor mother just wouldnt give a hoot.
 
Oh you guys I am feeling much better the last couple days. Stable and happy. I think I really got something out of my system. And I am spending time with John who I have seen off and on for the last five years. Very nice, a good fit. Going to work at my sister's greenhouse this aft and then dinner and another sleepover. Will say more about him soon. Brain cancer survivor. Positive outlook on life. Sweet and sexy and so easy to be around. One reason we don't spend a lot of time together is because he usually lives in a tiny cabin with room only for one (he feels). He doesn't like to have me over because he hates it but now he is housesitting and there is lots of room. I am content. Eating well, long bike ride yesterday. So I am able to separate from him and do my own things and don't feel clingy but love being together. The more we are together the better it gets. He has no short term memory so "everythings" new. Still functions well in spite of it.
 
Kelly, I'm happy to see your having some good days again. I hope your still gardening and taking your walks. I've missed ya not posting in a while I hope this means your out enjoying life and not stressing out on the small stuff. Look forward to your next post. Later sweets :)
~Hugs~
Kim
 
Just back from a good bike ride. Felt the burn pedalling up hills.

All this while since meeting Michael my weight loss performance has stalled but I am coming back. I had a manic episode and am now getting over the depression. Have been self-medicating but that has its limits. But I have to have something to look forward to. I am determined to learn from my mistake and manage my triggers better. Attractive available men are great triggers for me. I want to learn to better control my destructive behaviours for the sake of a meaningful relationship.

There is a problem with my relationship with John and that is it never develops past a certain point. He doesn't want to be with me as much as I would like in a relationship but on the other hand maybe that's his healthy boundaries. Anyway, I am frustrated by this.

Meanwhile, in the midst of my "affair" with Michael my neighbour encouraged me to try responding to a personal ad, which I've done, and we are now emailing. He is a professional. I don't know if I should be pursuing this and I have told him so because of my problem. Anyway, we are only talking about meeting for coffee. One good thing is I have lots of support from my psychiatrist and her workers, as well as an older sister and neighbour and girlfriend. So as long as what I do is okay with them, then I'll know I'm on the right path. It is so good to know there are people who love me. I will be SO careful this time. Will seek advice from my psychiatrist next time I see her on how to manage my emotions. Which thoughts do I follow? They all seem right. A relationship requires a lot of filtering of thoughts and feelings. In ANY CASE, not just with bipolar people. I am looking forward to meeting this guy but I must not forget my weight loss priorities. I would like to lose another twenty pounds but I need to get my ass in gear again.

Going to spend the day reading my bipolar books.

Here's to boosting my weight loss efforts.
 
Tail end of a mood swing. Poor sleep. Cigarettes. Tried pot (its been ayear since the last time I smoked) for a few days. I was so desperate to get high and feel better (been depressed) but I"m tired of the confusion and after effects. Awake all night, still in my house coat but I'll feel better in a little while. This mood swing has lasted six weeks. Have more settling down to do.

But I'm reading two fantastic books (where's Cannon?). One is called Zen Physics, The Science of Death, the Logic of Reincarnation. I know it sounds morbid but one of the symptoms of mania is religiosity and I get in to this shit sometimes. Its in me so deep sometimes I can't even bear to read it because its like I KNOW this shit. Sometimes all I can bear is to crack the book and read one line and it turns me on. When I am more settled I can bear to read it like a normal book. Last night and this morning I enjoyed reading it without it being too intense.

The other book I so want to read but so far haven't. Its like forbidden information to me. Its potentially dangerous reading as far as my mood is concerned but it is so tantalizing to me.

It could be that all we are is the narrative running through our brains, the most sophisticated accumulation of survival hardware ever in evolution.
Consciousness. So cool.

I read, I devour. I need to lighten up.

Through this period I haven't been charting as strictly as I was a few months ago but hey, I'm down a pound and I can tell that my eating habits HAVE improved. I'm still buoyed by the fact that I've lost 18 pounds this year and I look better. Now its time to do the things I need to do to feel better - exercise, have a bath, get dressed up.

My mood, or perhaps my consciousness, is like water, like a river, trickling, sometimes tumbling over rocks, thoughts, perceptions, sensations. I am at times consumed by my personality, aren't we all? We are always mentally active and hopefully self-aware.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading diaries and I've fallen off the map a little bit but I'm still here.
 
Hey Kelly!
Wow what an intense roll-coaster-like trip you've been on. You sound very introspective and "with it"--I like how you're handling the bi-polarity and I wish you the best! Enjoy those books, try to stop smoking if possible, and I hope your weight-loss efforts work well in the near future.
Talk to you later!
:hug2:
 
Hey Kelly, like Val said, you really seem introspective and full of self-knowledge, but be careful of those physical triggers as well as emotional ones. The pot, the lack of sleep, and the cigs all have bad potential. I think you are right about the whole relationship thing. Before you get involved with anybody, plan it out now while its easier to think with your brain and not with your...hear (What? What did you think I was going to say). Zen Physics sounds interesting. I do most of my reading over this 2 month period.
 
Hey Beautiful. You have every right to choose life without medication, but bipolar illness can be hugely disruptive. From reading your diary, I wonder if you're rapid cycling? Sounds like you're going through emotional whiplash of lurching from one extreme to the other every couple of days. has a good write-up of meds which you might discuss with your psych. If you can get stabilized on meds and expand your support group in the way of women friends, I think that will go a long way.

I know you want a relationship with a man, but you know the potential for mania there, I know you do. So remember, romantic relationships ain't all they're cracked up to be, and focus on stabilizing. Sobriety of mind. Whisper this phrase in your soul and see how it feels. Try it on for size. Friends, friends, and more friends, good ones that can understand mental illness, accept you with it, and friends that will help keep you on the straight.

This is the path I think life is inviting you on. All the other stuff, is the loud parade in the street that simply comes and goes ... and only leaves a mess behind. Luv to you Kelly.
 
Gosh kelly, all I can say is I hope you read Anna's post, think about it, and read it again because it really is dead spot on. Stability. Sobriety. Structure. Support.

You know I think there are times when being intropective is great, in fact my favorite sport is staring intensely at my own belly button, but I'm a little worried that your current choice of reading material (the other non-bipolar books you mentioned) might be undermining your efforts at stabalizing your moods and thoughts right now. I mean, not at all trying to be the "reading list police"...but, yea, it worries me more than a little....I have this vague discomfort that at this point it may be adding "fuel to the fire" so to speak. I remember once seeing this list of amazing famous people who also happened to be bi-polar...I'll try to dig it up for you...but I'm wondering if they have any autobiographies where they talked about how they successfully managed to deal with this particlar challenge that you might find interesting/inspirational.

At any rate, my thoughts are with you.
:hug2: :hug2: :hug2: :hug2:
 
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Holy Cow Kelly...check this out:


Famous People who have or who have Manic Depressive Disorder...

Buzz Aldrin, astronaut
Lionel Aldridge
Hans Christian Andersen, writer
Ned Beatty, actor
Robert Boorstin, writer, assistant to Pres. Clinton,
Arthur Benson, writer
E F Benson, writer
William Blake (1757-1827), poet
Ralph Blakelock, artist
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), general
Tadeusz Borowski
Art Buchwald, writer, humorist
Tim Burton, artist, movie director
Robert Campeau, financier (Canada)
Drew Carey, actor
Jim Carrey, actor
Dick Cavett, writer, media personality
C.E. Chaffin, writer, poet
Agatha Christie, mystery writer
Winston Churchill, 1874-1965- British Prm Mnstr
John Clare, poet
Rosemary Clooney, singer
Garnet Coleman, legislator (Texas)
Francis Ford Coppola, director
Patricia Cornwell, writer
Richard Dadd
John Daly, athlete (golf)
John Davidson, poet
Edward Dayes, artist
Ray Davies, musician
Emily Dickinson
Kitty Dukakis, former First Lady of Massachusetts
Patty Duke (Anna Duke Pearce), actor, writer
Thomas Eagleton, lawyer, former U.S. Senator
T S Eliot, poet
Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist
Robert Evans, film producer
Carrie Fisher, writer, actor
Edward FitzGerald
Robert Frost
F Scott Fitzgerald, author
Larry Flynt, magazine publisher
Connie Francis, actor, musician
Sigmund Freud, physician
Cary Grant, actor
Kaye Gibbons, writer
Shecky Greene, comedian, actor
Linda Hamilton, actor
Kristin Hersh, musician
Victor Hugo, poet
Jack London, author
Robert Lowell, poet
Marilyn Monroe, actress
Mozart, composer
Jay Marvin, radio personality, writer
Cara Kahn, mtv's 'real world'
Kevin McDonald, comedian, actor
Kristy McNichol, actor
Dimitri Mihalas, scientist
Kate Millett, writer, artist
Spike Milligan, comic actor, writer
John Mulheren, financier (U.S.)
Robert Munsch, writer
Napoleon, general
Ilie Nastase, athlete (tennis), politician
Isaac Newton, scientist
Margo Orum, writer
Nicola Pagett, actor
J C Penney
Edgar Allen Poe, author
Jimmie Piersall, athlete, sports announcer
Charley Pride, musician
Mac Rebennack (Dr. John), musician
Jeannie C. Riley, musician
Phil Graham, owner, Washington Post
Graham Greene, writer
Peter Gregg, team owner and manager, race car driver
Abbie Hoffman, writer, political activist
Lynn Rivers, U.S. Congress
Francesco Scavullo, artist, photographer
Lori Schiller, writer, educator
Frances Sherwood, writer
Scott Simmie, writer, journalist
Alonzo Spellman, athlete (football)
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, athlete (pro golf)
Gordon Sumner (Sting), musician, composer
St Francis
St John
St Theresa
Rod Steiger, film maker
Robert Louis Stevenson
Liz Taylor, actor
J.M.W. Turner
Mark Twain, author
Alfred, Lord Tennyson, poet
Ted Turner, entrepreneur, media giant
Jean-Claude Van Damme, athlete, actor
Vincent van Gogh
Mark Vonnegut, doctor, writer
Sol Wachtler, judge, writer
Tom Waits, musician, composer
Walt Whitman, poet
Tennessee Williams, author
Brian Wilson, musician (Beach Boys), composer, arranger
Jonathan Winters, comedian, actor, writer, artist
Luther Wright, athlete (basketball)
Margot Kidder, actor
Robert E Lee, soldier
Bill Liechtenstein, producer (TV & radio)
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), US President
Daniel Johnston, musician
Samuel Johnson, poet
Burgess Meredith, 1908-1997, actor, director
Kay Redfield Jamison, psychologist, writer
 
Three times lucky. Losing my posts every time I hit the apostrophe key.

Last night for dinner we had vegetarian hot dogs, corn on the cob, and some ripple potato chips. I counted out fifteen chips (for 130 calories) but found I only ate five of them and put the rest back in the bag. Huh. That stuck out in my mind because chips have been my downfall for years. My New Year Resolution has stuck - this year I swore to give up chips.

Am confident I'll break in to the 170s soon as I'm getting my deficits in. Weight down to 181 yesterday.

Pouring rain today but will try for a bike ride later. Mood stabilizing over last week.

Here with my sons. Yeh.
 
Happychubette said:
Three times lucky. Losing my posts every time I hit the apostrophe key.

Last night for dinner we had vegetarian hot dogs, corn on the cob, and some ripple potato chips. I counted out fifteen chips (for 130 calories) but found I only ate five of them and put the rest back in the bag. Huh. That stuck out in my mind because chips have been my downfall for years. My New Year Resolution has stuck - this year I swore to give up chips.

Am confident I'll break in to the 170s soon as I'm getting my deficits in. Weight down to 181 yesterday.

Pouring rain today but will try for a bike ride later. Mood stabilizing over last week.

Here with my sons. Yeh.
Click to expand...

This all sounds great - Im rally glad to hear it Kelly - never apologize for not being around just please makle sure oyu take care of yourself...

Im gonna quit my job soon here - well ask for lay off papers and take a bit of time for myself and the girls before I persue another job...

I will def be coming that way soon...lets get together agian when i do...Your always in my thoughts...:hug2: :):hug2:
 
Sounds like your week-end is off to a great start...good for you. Too bad about the pouring rain...we had something like 7-8 straight days of it last week and I was hating life...then the rain stopped and now it's like living in a darn tropical rainforest...all intense heat and humidity.:drooling:
 
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