I will try to enjoy this new friendship but I have to say a few things, that, now that he is over the moon about me, I am wondering what's next. Last night I suddenly felt insecure, out of bounds, and when I got home, completely spent. I am recoiling. Over the past few days I had many florid imaginings about this man, but now I'm wondering if I have crossed a boundary of mine. I mean in six days I managed to chat my way in to his dining room. I should have kept things in the garden. I a long time ago gave up on convention as it took too long. It seems impossible for me to go slow. I quickly felt a deep connection with MIchael and there seemed no reason for me not to be myself with him.
But last night reminds me of a few things. That I have broken rules. And that I have been crazy. The two are related. This is what I meant by the danger in hightailing it to what you want. The danger in not thinking things through. Breaking my marriage vow drove me crazy. Literally.
I wonder if I am a bad girl? Am I a loose woman? What am I doing earning the affection of an 85 year old man? Too much, too fast. That's me.
But I am not a loose woman. My intentions are good. I need to get back to my life. But I am off kilter today.
I learned to like extreme behaviour, being bipolar, and I have been extremely friendly in this case. It has cost me. I hope it will not affect him. Moderation is better. Extremes are exhausting. My extreme friendliness has depleted me.