kelly's diary

Thank you all, I was so proud of myself for getting a 45 minute walk in today.

Food;

Breakfast shake
Coffee
Bran muffin

Tuna sandwich (whole can of tuna)
1tbs mayo
2 slices of whole wheat bread

slice strawberry shortcake
coffee

roast lamb
risotto
roast veggies
glass white wine

1 1/2 glasses beer

I had a lovely afternoon and evening with friend Michael. I'm sure I'm over my quota but happy that I'm not stuffed, I'm going to bed on what feels like an empty stomach.

Your replies made me feel better.
 
I just had to get myself from that awful state of mental pressure and stress over exercising to where I actually wanted to do it, and I tricked myself in to it by going up town first, walking around a bit which made me feel better which made me be ableto come home and lace up my sneakers. I did it.
 
Happychubette said:
I just had to get myself from that awful state of mental pressure and stress over exercising to where I actually wanted to do it, and I tricked myself in to it by going up town first, walking around a bit which made me feel better which made me be ableto come home and lace up my sneakers. I did it.
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do what works for u. congrats for accomplishing dat 45min.:)
 
Thank you for being there even if I haven't. I have fallen off the wagon. The sage with Michael continues. I am having trouble with still calling him even though I've decided its over. I think, wouldn't it be nice if.. and then I regret it because he inevitably comes back with too much generosity which is hard to refuse and it gets awkward.

ANYWAY, tonight I met the lovely and warm Cinderelly!!! It was very nice to meet her and her two girls (and mom). She encouraged me to continue posting even if its only saga and not weight loss related.

I haven't followed through with fitday for a few days. But some good news, I borrowed my sister's bike today for a few weeks and had a lovely time bike riding, so that will be nice for me and, yeh, strengthen my legs.

But my conscience is bothering me over Michael as he had offered to buy me a bike a while back and while I said no, that would be too much, I re-ignited that discussion today by telling him how I had borrowed my sister's bike and now I feel sick to my stomach. I need to confess to him but I am so ashamed. I did think that I could gain something, a bike, from him, because he offered, and that was wrong. It is terrible to see my own greed but there it is.

I know the reason we are not supposed to "sin". It is because it pollutes our conscience and disturbs our "practice" whatever that is. Once again I made a mistake and that was to let him know I had borrowed a bike and enjoyed riding it. I'm afraid its going to bother me in the night.

He leaves at 10 in the morning for Scotland for three weeks so there's not really a chance.

He said he's be back to wine and dine me in three weeks and that is what got to me. The truth is, I don't want to be seen in public dining with him. Maybe a bike ride. Maybe coffee. But he always turns it in to more than that and I seem to be unable to say no to his generous offers. If I can't say no and he can't stop offering to spoil me then we will have to call it quits and "treasure" each other from a distance.

Its a shame we can't just be friends but I am questioning my motives (money?). I need to be more reserved.

Well thank you all for visiting my diary. Thank you for the support.
 
Hi Kelly; way to go on getting the walk in, and mixing things up with some cross training with cycling. Looks like you're getting past the exercise dolldrums. That's awesome. Walking is every bit as healthy as jogging.

As far as hinting for a new bike with Michael...don't sweat it. What's this stuff about shame and sin? You're being way too hard on yourself. Just because you thought he might take care of you in this way, doesn't make you greedy. I wouldn't confess a thing to him. When he gets back from Scotland, just politely refuse his offer to buy you a bike and from now on, if you see him, let him know you are meeting your own needs.

I agree it's good to post about your relationship with Michael as well as weight loss issues. As you identified in a previous post, before you met him, you were tickety-boo on your lifestyle habits. After you met him and decided not to pursue things with him, your habits were affected...but it looks like you are back on track! There's a very good lesson in this for ALL of us...no matter what's happening in our relationship with others, or whether we are getting our needs met or not, lifestyle choices (eating/exercise) is within our control. You are doing GREAT. And you help make others strong by posting so honestly in your diary.
Luv and hugs.
 
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Hey now, I understand your worries there, but you seem to be trying hard to do the right thing, just keep trying. I am not going to pretend to be perfect, but the best thing you could probably do for yourself at this point would be to go to a few garage sales and find a nice cheap bike you could enjoy riding. Around here you can still find them for US$20-50, and they are in decent shape.
If you are worried about feeling like you are going to take advantage of the (lucky) guy, then remove the temptation.
You have a few weeks to get your act together and remove that urge, and I do want to point out one other thing: He also gets something out of your company. It's not transactional, and I am not encouraging you to do anything you feel is unethical, but remember that some of us guys need to feel useful and liked... Taking a pretty girl out to dinner (even as friends) generally gives us a bit of that feeling.
I'm sure none of this is "true revelation" to you, but sometimes it helps to have it repeated. Just remember to keep your sense of self and your goals in mind when you do the things you do. If you would be ashamed to see it on the front page of the newspaper, you should probably avoid doing it; if not, then it might be okay.

Also, walking is good :D I went on a nice walk this afternoon, I love the parks around here. Hope you get to go enjoy the nice springtime weather! ;)
 
Happychubette said:
ANYWAY, tonight I met the lovely and warm Cinderelly!!! It was very nice to meet her and her two girls (and mom). She encouraged me to continue posting even if its only saga and not weight loss related.
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Aaawww thanx meetig you was nice - you are a very warm person yourself - the hug right away was sweeet...

Im glad you posted abt hwo you are feeling and such, we are all here b/c we like you and consider you a friend and care abt what you are going through and how you feel...:hug2:

As far as the greed - I think you are being to hard on yourself...and as far as michael if you are attracted to his inner beauty and the type of person he is it isnt anything to be ashamed abt or to beat yourself up over...We cannot choose who we are attracted to or who we fall in love with and such...

I do however think if you keep going along this road...the stress is going to eventually kill you...you cant continue to not sleep and have this eating you up and emotionally breaking you down and make your mind sick...

You've accomplished so much so far and come so far - Michael is just a much smaller hurdel girl and you know that...

If you ever need to talk more indepth feel free to pm me or email me or get msn and add me or you have my cell number :):):)

I enjoyed meeting you - I really did - I will definately look you up agian when I am back this way...Did to you if you ever come out my way:hug2:
 
Way, way too hard on yourself sweetie! I mean, you borrowed your sister's bike, rode it, had fun and shared that fact with a friend. Maybe I'm just mercenary at heart (well, no maybe about it) but to me you were just relaying something interesting going on in your life and if he choses to offer you something out of friendship (with no strings attached) that you didn't ask for, I just don't see the sin or shame or whatever.

Kelly, you strike me as such a warm, decent, loving human being. I love your inner spirit that shines through whether you are posting about gardening or your "saga" with Michael. I honestly wish you lived in the same town so we could hang out - maybe some of your kind loving nature would rub off on me and some of my "take no prisoners" approach would rub off on you.
 
Howdy Kelly,
That was so neat meeting up with a WLF member and even more neat,it being Cerella she is so sweet,cool I would love to meet a few of the friends I made on here and hecak I wish I lived by a few as well I would have a great steady walking partner and great conversation to.Stop take a deep breath,girl you sound so stressed out. Way to go on borrowing a bike to ride I tried my hubby's bike last year and it is WAY harder to do than my stationary bike lol I think it is because I try so hard not to fall off or go to fast where I lose control and it hurts the "ASS"lol.Hope you have a nice day Tammy
 
Thank you everybody. Your words are comforting.

I just saw MIchael and I feel a bit better, the feeling in my stomach is getting better. I'm going for a little peddle around the neighbourhood to make myself feel even better.

I told him that I would have no problem accepting a bike from him, truthfully, but then when people found out about it later I would feel ashamed, so I am going to try to earn enough money to buy my own bike.

I told him I wanted us both to be a little more reserved, and that he comes on too strong sometimes.

Better.
 
Went to my mental health clinic today and saw my worker and my shrink to tell them what's going on. Relieved. I'm manic. Hence the intensity of feeling. Increase of meds to help me over this blip.

Gathered my courage and asked my exhusband to attend air cadet wrap up tonight and he said yes, so I will muster my courage and sit with him. That will be very nice.
 
Hi Kelly!
I think it's wonderful that you have the courage to use all your support system. Good for you and good luck tonight! :)
Juliette
 
Going for a ride makes you feel better, you're being honest with people even though it's hard, you told him he comes on too strong sometimes, counting calories again, AND you're going to go sit with your ex- at the air cadet wrap up? Nice!
Keep on doing the things that are good for you! :D
 
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