Fiera's Diary

Sounds like you have an excellent grasp of what's good for you and what isn't. That's much more important than my opinion or anyone else's.
 
Yeeeehaaaaa. Corneal ulcers are cleared and I am approved to discontinue steroid drops. Remaining on moistening medication and approved to wear contacts for a few hours at a time here and there. I am sooooo happy,

Sun is out and I just had a nice walk with the pups. Like hoodie nice. No coats for the dogs. Everyone is out walking their dogs right now. It feels like spring.

Since I went on a revised diet (lo carb focus) for just a couple of days I lost a lot of bloat and a few pounds. 168.3 yesterday. I can't recall whether I mentioned that the precipitant for the dietary reset was on Friday night; I was at women's club and there was a painful skin eruption on my elbow all of a sudden. Well the previous day had been the neuropsych testing and then afterward I got a large pizza from a new place down the road and ate almost the entire thing; I finished it Friday morning. I suspect the eruption was related, as I looked back on the week and there were other clues. I need to get the entire symptom cluster together and over to guru doc. Unfortunately because it showed up Friday night and both the derm and the rheum were closed on the weekend I could not get it biopsied this time. Next time.

Looking forward to getting more stuff done around the house and then relaxing tonight, Relaxing. Now there is a concept,
 
Yay for no more steroid drops! Getting rid of the bloat is always nice as well, even if the trigger for the dietary change was unpleasant.
 
Taking a deep breath. Today was a great example of me getting derailed.
I slept in late. I was still in the middle of feeding and pottying the dogs when the phone rang. Fence guy, who had thought it would be afternoon, but could I meet in 30? Sure, ok. Get dressed, go meet/talk w him. Then after he leaves, fart around finding some wood tall enough to help me decide what height will be tall enough so that I cannot see the neighbors' rubbish cans from my dining room. Reach out to realtor to get thoughts on height, materials, etc. End up with 2 more fence guy referrals. Getting excited about reclaiming my yard and making it useable and attractive again. But need to get regrading done before fence, so look up and try calling a couple of landscaping firms.

Spend at least an hour drafting thoughts in an email I don't plan to send to AN. Just wanting to get some of it down for some reason. Not sure why I allowed it to consume bandwidth, but I did. This is clearly the black hole in my day.

Take the dogs for an hour walk. Start catching up on paperwork I started last night. Pay the CPA bill. Realize I haven't eaten all day and shove something in my mouth (do not even recall what). Go back and put the bills I paid in my laptop software.

Proggy calls, talk w him for 30 re his frustrations on obtaining a vital record relating to his mom which he needs for a citenship application. Walk him through the research I have done which provides date parameters. Talk about getting the process rolling with 2 possible jurisdictions as the process for older records has a long wait time.

Got a note from neuropsych proactively setting up a time to go over the results. This is different from what they had previously said, which is that they post the results and then if you have questions or wish to discuss, you send them an appointment request afterward. Feel unsettled and nearly reached out to CB, but I deleted the text message I composed and decided to simply wait til Friday. Or until the results go up. Am thinking I might see if she wants to be on that call. Or maybe Proggy. It is over a week away so I guess I have to wait.

Also started putting a list together of the records and details I need to compile for the neuro consult in 2 weeks.

Also arranged logistics for another of the dog rescue donations - thankfully she offered to bring it to my house which is super helpful. I recognize the fact that this role is teaching me to ask for help and to gratefully receive it rather than try to do everything myself. People want to be useful and it doesn't hurt to ask.

Have felt revved up much of the afternoon. I have been craving cigarettes again since Friday ish. Makes me wonder if low carb is kicking in cravings and wanting smokes is my brain's way of compensating, Today I caved and went and bought a pack. Also I just connected that I made coffee today and somewhere after walking the dogs or getting the smokes I finally had a cup. Given that I don't often partake it must be contributing to that revved up feeling.

I do enjoy the fact that I had more energy and clarity today. I like being so busy that I forget to eat and don't feel hungry. Or maybe it's just that a switch has flipped again. In any event I would like to relax and maybe practice some guitar and read tonight. I also was so busy that I didn't take a shower, and a good soak in the tub sounds like the ticket.
 
Its almost bed time and I haven't really knocked off all day.

I got caught up a lot on bills and paperwork. I had to redo a load of laundry because I had left it in the washer last night and never got back down there today. With KDog regularly soiling the bed pads I put down, there is constantly laundry every day. I might do the unthinkable and buy some disposable products. I just prefer to avoid the cost and the landfill waste of single use products.

The dogs are pestering me because I have not paid much attention to them all day, outside of the walk this afternoon.

I have managed to get my dog coat collection efforts down to a couple of relay people (to get them closer for pickup) and some drop offs. It is very satisfying that my cognitive functioning is working at a higher gear so I can be productive and find solutions.

Proggy asked me with some surprise about my privacy fence plans. Does that mean you are keeping your house? I said "well, I am not longer terrified of staying in it!" Wow, what a huge difference that is.

In helping Proggy with genealogy research, I found documentation indicating that my dad's grandfather worked on Wall Street. This aligns with the oral history my dad has shared. I want to send it off to AN with some quip about generational trauma but of course I won't. It's just so easy to put all the pieces together now and understand why my dad is the way that he is about financial security.

I have been meaning to email Irish friend, but I think I will just knock off for the night and try to wind down.
 
I was worn out! Today is far less productive, I had a sleep donut hole and then woke up to dad calling at 8:30. Dishes, a load of laundry. Feed dogs and take them for an hour walk. Watch a webinar about examining your relationship with alcohol. Texted Saylor and SB and rescue President. Spent another hour and a half in two sessions writing/editing an email to AN that I won't send. I have not yet accepted that things are radically altered and the AN I knew is no longer "there". Letting go is a grieving process not an event. I cannot "fix" this by explaining my thoughts and feelings better. Just teared up. Communicated re ice skates I have up for sale but the lady decided not to come as she found some closer to where she lives.

Really glad I have Curly Bubbly tomorrow.
 
Well I started feeling revved up again this afternoon...after snacking on some dark chocolate covered almonds, which I also had yesterday. When I purchase dark chocolate I buy 85% cocoa. I didn't think to check these. There is definitely a high sugar content in the coating. So that explains that.

CC called so I talked to her for 20 mins. She needed to vent about a medication issue which caused her to miss an appointment last night. In turn brought her up to speed regarding AN.

In talking with her I realize that I am in a good place right now for this to be happening with AN. I have been at the point in my life before during a breakup where I didn't have a good support network and I was dealing with depression and feeling alone and unloveable. I don't feel that way today. The dog rescue community and fostering DDog have added so much color and purpose and connection to my life in a short time. Guitar class a little bit too. And connecting a bit more with friends, women's club, SB; folks who are balanced and not needing burdensome levels of support. And I have Proggy. I am filling up my life with the good little bits which carry me forward and feel more like myself.

I just listed some things on the neighborhood Freebox and will give them a few days, then they get donated.
 
Another busy day. Finally caught up,on bills and related paperwork like closing a bank account and setting up online access to another. Checkimg old gift card balances and making sure returns were credited. Took the dogs for another decent walk around 9, winds are less strong and warmer. Truly feeling lucky that this winter has worked out so well so far. It worked out fine that I never made it to Arizona after all. I have DDog and both KDog and I are getting good exercise outdoors without having to deal with ice and snow. Terrific!

I am finally good and ready to relax, Granted it's 10:30. But I have a burger and shake on the way and a noir movie coming up. No more work until tomorrow! My house is looking tidier though, and I like it!
 
Yay Sat morning. I went to women's club last night and tried to help CC figure out how to get her cracked phone screen repaired. I made a call and the people wanted $150 which is far more than she can afford. I gave her another suggestion but will call and check today whether she has followed up on it. She is having a lot of anxiety around potentially not having a phone while it is being repaired.

One of the gals in the group (Gil's) it turns out has autoimmune and Fibromyalgia. She has been dealing with it for like 15 years. She basically said that there is no pattern and no rhyme or reason for things getting better or worse and that it has forced her to make her own self care a priority. It is life changing. Her level of acceptance was impressive. Knowing that could well be the path I am on, it is just a reminder that having toxic relationships is not something I can afford to accept, not even when my heart is clinging to someone like AN. When I see this manifesting in real time it helps the feelings of longing and loss to settle down.

Irish Friend sent a rather lengthy update email today so she must have known I was thinking of her. Will respond in a couple of days as this weekend is already terribly full.

I am realizing that the structure of my weeks really doesn't provide for a weekend in the traditional sense. The weekdays are full of projects and to-do's along with the slog of daily life. I try to see SB sometimes of course and I have guitar on Mondays. The weekends I have women's club on Friday and meditation group on Sunday and also Saylor and the Sunday walkies group. And time with Proggy. I am not making time to practice guitar or read. But I am getting daily exercise with the dogs, thanks to fair to good winter conditions. It's all just life. I am grateful that I have chipped away at my to-do pile a bit. I want to keep going and tackle more clutter.

I like having a welcoming home. It fosters a sense of personal peace and it allows me to open myself up to people and potential.

Something I have been thinking about is how the "musts" and expectations have made my life a miserable place to live. The hours I spent on the phone with S. Trying to manage the challenges with AN and simultaneously with the real threat of losing Proggy was making life stressful. Taking a foster dog and starting up guitar again and volunteering with the dog rescue are things which come from my heart. Lesson here...if you spend time with people because you "should" rather than because you really want to, everyone suffers a bit. I have had so much more personal peace and connection in the past week. May I continue to follow this lead in 2023 as it is a much more peaceful place to live.

Off to get busy.
 
Last edited:
The sun is out today and it lends an extra bit of energy to what is already a good mood. Both Proggy and I threw out the "musts" for getting together today and I felt lighter with the afternoon and evening ahead of me to get more done. I am reading TNMAG with Saylor so I did a bit of that. Browsed resale rugs and picked up an 8*11 barely used for $25 for the dog area downstairs. Round trip from time I message to the time rug was in my basement was 45 mins. Sweet. CPA called and confirmed I should itemize for 2022 and he sent me a link for the estimated payment due by Weds. The rug thing got me looking anew at the space downstairs and motivated to make more changes. I pulled things out of the file cabinet so I could move that to a corner. Eliminating some contents rather than putting all the files back in. Decided to toss an old tottery chest of drawers. Plus washing, always washing, and ran the dish washer. Ordered some disposable dog pads to put on top of the reusable pads and praying that KDog does what I need her to because the laundry and expense of new rugs is becoming too much.

KDog could not got for a walk today so it was just me and Doofus as I sometimes call D dog. He took off hard after a rabbit and it was a good thing I had the leash double wrapped around my wrist. Burned for a couple of minutes but no real harm done.

Made a nice salad for lunch...roman's, back beans, roasted corn, 1/2 avocado, slices of chicken sausage, and ranch dressing. Breakfast was 2 egg heuvos rancheros and a corner of a pita bread and a banana.

Got about an hour left of sun or so. Dinner for the dogs shortly. I will knock off in the basement when it gets dark I think.
 
Was just sitting here editing the most recent draft email to AN when a brief message arrived from him.

Hi,
I can drop off your pod this week.
I can leave it between the back door if that's ok.
Please let me know.

I just naturally responded that it was not necessary and to please keep it. And that it would just remind me of playing guitar with him anyway. Maybe I just said that so he would know that I was hurting. I went on to mention that I was in the middle of an email that I would send when ready but if he preferred not that I would understand. He simply replied that he would read anything that I send.

The tears welled up a bit but subsided. And I am not going to look at that email I was drafting any more tonight. My serenity is my life raft. Going to dial up a rom com and finish reading three chapters in TNMAG. (Flexing my self-love muscle).
 
I awakened this morning to an episode of Hoarders around 6:30. I never got up and turned off the tv all night. Not good for sleep quality but perhaps by osmosis I garnered more motivation to toss stuff out. There was a brilliant pink-and-purple sunrise occurring, and it was pleasant to realize that daylight is starting earlier. We are halfway through the winter now and have had very fortunate weather.

I did finish readings and notes in TNMAG. This morning is a full schedule, with meditation group and then dog people and then Saylor (via phone). I woke up with thoughts about AN and the email I had been drafting, but have pushed them aside until there is a quality block of time. KDog did exactly what I needed her to, but Doofus decided to relieve himself nearby on the futon - thankfully on a washable cover which is now in the wash. Laundry, always laundry these days.

I feel restless. I overate last night, which began when the cod filet I had pulled out of the freezer turned out to still be frozen. I ended up making a torte and a salad, but then polished off remaining licorice twists and choc covered almonds, then went to peanut butter on flatbread. No wonder. Sugar, and a bunch of crap in my tummy.

Something in the book I am reading provoked a question. It was making a distinction between our conscious and unconscious mind. (The book makes a case that the key to changing our beliefs is to change the unconscious mind through active reprogramming.) It states that the unconscious mind is made up of images and emotions. Not images that you see, but images in your mind. I connected this to my discovery earlier this year about aphantasia, or the lack of a minds' eye. And I thought to myself...hmmm...so does this mean that in my case that my unconscious mind is based almost entirely on emotion?

It perhaps explains why feelings and sensations are so present in everything, why I react emotionally and with sensation and color to everything from facts to people to numbers, why everything is visceral and tactile. It's possible that I am no different from most people of course, but it seems interesting to ponder. Everyone has their unique lens of how they view the world; their own version of reality is what they see, sense, process, and integrate with their prior experience. Maybe mine is to process day to day experiences on a more visceral, emotional level than most, because that is the functioning lens that I possess. Eh, I could ask the neuropsych lady about this when we review my results but honestly I don't think there will be much time for sidebar topics.

And honestly, things like cleaning out the basement and reclaiming my house/yard, and redefining relationships seem to be producing better results than crawling around in my head this week anyway.

******************************

Today's food plan: Eggs for breakfast, I have some smoked salmon and capers so that will be a treat. Fish tacos later. I have the components for a beet salad but perhaps I will have that with chicken on Monday.
 
As long as things are halfway functional I generally find doing stuff is more helpful than thinking about the way I think. Not as interesting though :p
 
Ran out of time and missed out on breakfast, and also forgot my coffee tumbler during the mad rush to get out the door on time to the dog meetup at a place I was having trouble locating on map software. Only to find when I got there I had been typing in the wrong name. Derf. Well the meetup was fun, sunny but a frigid wind. I made myself some french onion soup when I got home. I missed most of meditation group also, it was too difficult to try to have the gps and zoom meeting on in the car at the same time.

Talk w Saylor was OK. We both grew up in families with no emotional vocabulary and talked about how unnatural it is to open up and communicate about feelings. She has kids so she is working to try to break the cycle, and I can see it is a weight that she carries. We also talked about not revealing our authentic selves to our parents at this stage of the game, she views it as protecting them from shocks that they lack the ability at this juncture to process or adapt to. I just look at it from a perspective of not wanting to lose him. And then I got a bit angry that I was taught that it was not safe to be my authentic self. At least I am aware of it, but more than ever I need to protect this sense of self which is re-emerging.

My tinnitus has been worse the last week or so. It is really loud right now. Probably have been eating too much salt.
 
Good morning journal. Yesterday I took a xanax and some relaxing tea after I got home and it entirely conked me out. I needed a break from the parade of thoughts reworking what to say to AN and the recent activity level. I put on an old movie and passed out hard for an hour. It is frustrating that the rug I bought for the rescue hangout area in my basement (which I had asked the right questions about) - seems to smell like cat pee on one corner. Disappointing. One step forward, two steps back. I spent time looking at options to clean or replace, but the entire point was to get a clean, large rug for that area for cheap. I did dishes and poached a bunch of eggs. I watched some of The Reader before falling asleep again.

DDog took a #2 in the dining room before breakfast and marked on my new fireplace heater. I had taken him out before bed at 4 AM and he just made a tinkle and looked for mice and squirrels. I guess I need to make sure he goes #2 before bed no matter how tired I am or disinclined he seems to be.

I didn't study or practice guitar this week and we have new material for tonight so suffice to say I am behind. It is raining this morning and I feel lazy. Perhaps I will perk up after matcha. I have such good momentum lately I don't want to lose it, but a cold cloudy rainy day is a challenge. I accept, Universe. 😎
 
Oooh this day is progressing without much progress. It is dark and dreary, with intermittent showers. Just got out of the shower at 4PM. Walked the dogs, cooked bacon, paid estimated taxes. Cooked burger patties on the grill for lunch. Another load of laundry, almost there. My main den lamp quit working and I located a shop to repair it (closed today). I moved the dog coat donations into the basement. No luck finding a different rug. Wasted a little time on social, jabbing a local official who is a real creep. Emailed the out of town dog rep that I unfortunately cannot help Thurs but to reach out any other time. I would move almost anything to help them but the neuropsych results review is not one of them. No report yet, if I don't have it ahead of time to read thru it will be more difficult to ask and answer questions to my satisfaction.

Most of the day has gone to writing more in the draft email which has evolved into a repository of thoughts as they occur rather than anything cohesive or worthy of sending. I am avoiding sending something. There is an issue of "so many things" that could be said. There is the issue of what *should* be said. There is the issue of whether the aim would be to share my version of truth in an attempt to be heard, to mend anything, to apologize, or to simply say goodbye and thanks for the years you were a close and favorite person. I don't have to decide on any timeline I guess. I feel my inner peace is undone and I don't seem to have access to guitar, though teacher emailed a new song and leave for class in an hour and change. Dogs still need dinner and a walk as well. Momentarily considered doing guitar class via zoom but then remembered how much the in person connections were good last week. I was just in a different headspace then. More energy, less AN.

It has been a low carb day so I will give that recognition. Maybe a bit of coffee before I leave for class.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top